Do you and your husband have different academic standards for your children?

[mom22greatkids]

Could I also ask if you and your husband had different standards for discipline regarding academic standards?

 

Recently, my daughter is stuggling with science and math. I have spent much time with her explaining the concepts, having her work through the problems, studying, etc. She can do the work but is often lazy and tries to find anyway she can to get out of work.

 

She wants to be involved in many outside activites and is often gone 4 or more nights a week doing something until 9 p.m. I have tried to cut down on these but my husband advocates that these are a motivation to achieve.

 

When she recently got D's on both science and math tests, he took media away but immediately allowed her to be gone every day to do outside activities. He says there is still plenty of time for study but doesn't make her do any. He says she just will. I don't follow his thinking, I don't see any improvement in grades, and I see and hear even more activities in the future.

 

His last comment was to say that if she goes falls below a C average in the class (on the final) that she will have to either redo the class or do another class over the summer and succeed. I can't follow this thinking and was hoping for some insight.

 

Please note that I am not trying to bash my husband and I don't want this to turn into that kind of discussion. I just need a little insight from homeschooling couples that are of a like mind in this matter.

 

I have also considered a private school for the set schedule and the respect that would need to be given to teacher discussions if there was a problem with the student not meeting academic standards. Maybe she would be less derailed there?

 

Please note, I could also be the problem as I expect dilligent study and performance from a student. I do allow C's on occasion if the material seems especially rigorous.

 

Any help?

 

Thanks,

 

Susan

[Mejane]

My husband does not get involved in our homeschooling. He has ideas about what he would like to see, but he leaves it up to me. I know he'd prefer I were harder on our son, but since he doesn't really understand learning styles, etc, he stays out of it.

 

Respectfully, I think your husband is sending mixed messages - do well, but go have fun even if you don't. That said, your daughter may not be a mathy kid. She may be discouraged by not getting it. I was like her, more the reader/writer. I squeaked by in math and science. Allowances need to be made for personal differences.

Edited June 7, 2010 by Mejane

[abbeyej]

Hm... I have a few questions in return:

 

How old is your daughter? How long have you home schooled? What type of class is this that she has a low grade -- I mean, is it an outside class where someone else is grading her, or are you teaching and then grading certain work, or are you handing her the material to learn and then grading whatever she gives back to you or tests and quizes she takes? ... All of those things would play a role in my approach to dealing with the immediate issue with *her*.

 

As to your initial question, yes, my dh and I are pretty strongly united when it comes to educational standards and philosophy, and we try hard to back up each other's disciplinary stands. Lol, we talked about educational standards for our kids even before we were dating (we were friends in college). ;)

 

I think you both have good points in this. You're right -- she needs to learn that she can't just "get by" with poor work in terms of time and effort. If she's not learning the material in the time she's allotted, then she either needs more time or she needs to be more efficient (and after you answer my earlier questions, I'll address this -- I think she may need some very specific, hands-on coaching for a while in order to become more efficient). And if she's spending all of her time in outside activities *and* *not* learning to manage the time she has, there's a big problem. ... But your husband is also right that those outside activities may be what she lives for and may provide motivation for her, and it may be that she still has plenty of time to get her other work done -- if she learns some time-management skills and how to study more efficiently. That said, I don't think those things will just magically happen. The two of you are going to have to get on the same page about how to make that happen.

 

But for now, I'll wait for your other answers...

[elegantlion]

To answer your question, yes, dh and I agree on academic requirements. Actually they fall mostly on me and he backs me up. We just finished our sixth year of homeschooling. We discuss our goals and plans, but he leaves the path to reaching those up to me.

 

As for your other issue, I agree with Abbey's questions. I know for my ds four nights out of the house until nearly bedtime would be a drain on his academics.

[nono]

Yes, we do. I'm tough, and he's tougher. ;)

 

I think your husband is thinking about how one needs to learn to "project manage" but he's not doing the day-to-day teaching of this*. I'd talk to him and say that I hear him, that she needs to learn to prioritize and get her work done so she can go do her extra activities. But she's not licking it off the grass, so to speak. I'd ask for his help in coaching her to get the schoolwork done to an acceptable level. Devise a plan between the two of you how you will support each other in helping your child get her schoolwork done to an acceptable level, or have consequences for not doing so.

 

*Is your husband homeschooling with you? Because if he isn't, then it is up to you to make sure that she's getting her work done before the activities. You would still need him to agree to be back up and reinforcement if you are the primary teacher.

[jld]

Yes. Mine are weak, and his are even weaker.:)

 

Okay, just kind of kidding here . . .

[m0mmaBuck]

My husband follows my lead on academics since I am the one who sets the curriculum and does the homeschooling. Such privileges as media and outside activities are completely my call where the younger two are concerned.

 

The one place where we disagree is our oldest. DH will allow him to go to Boy Scout and Venture Scout activities even though he is currently failing 2 classes. I, personally, would not. However, there are extenuating circumstances around DSS that make me take a step back and let DH deal with him how he may.

 

If you are the one doing the homeschooling, you should sit down with DH and try to bring him on board with your standards. Perhaps he could work with DD on "project/time management" and that would help him see where she is failing. I can't remember what it's called but there is a time management program where you basically cut your day into 15 or 20 minute increments and schedule your entire day. You include everything from school, chores, hygiene, work, sleep, activities, and social/play time. It helps people see where they are "wasting" time. It helps with our oldest who swears he never has enough time but in reality spends a lot of time doing nothing productive.

[elfgivas]

here, we go for mastery in just about everything, so that if one of the dc doesn't fully understand something i work with them until they do. that way, when testing time comes along, they should do incredibly well each and every time.

 

if a particular subject consistently takes more teaching, then i give it more time. and i look for online resources so they can practice/read/explore/learn more on their own. i did twice change curriculum completely, because what we were using clearly was a large part of the problem.

 

but if the difficulty is that they aren't focusing, but could be, then at the end of a fortnight i point that out and say that i'll be watching carefully the following week, and that if we don't speed up we'll have to do weekend school. that has only had to happen once or twice with each dc for them to make a different choice the next time.

 

all that said, if your dc is still in elementary school, i would think 4 nights a week out (if they are week nights) is overload. we started a homeschool dance class so that the younger 2 could dance in the daytime as part of their school schedule...

 

the girls can all manage to get their school work done each day with plenty of time to spare if they choose that. we have a "no media" rule until school is finished.

 

"peaceful parents, Peaceful kids" by naomi drew has a great section that helps parents come alongside one another in matters of discipline, and brings the kids along, too.

 

hth,

ann

[mom22greatkids]

Hi Everyone,

 

I wanted to address the questions being asked. My daughter is 13 and we have homeschooled from the start. My husband does not want to help with school, however, he wants to be the one that does the rewarding. He is much harder on our son, not giving allowance until all chores and schoolwork is done, but allowing our daughter to slip by with saying things are done when they are not and not checking on her to make sure.

 

Dd was doing extremely well in math up to this year. We had done both MCP and Horizons all the whole way through 6th grade and then started using Saxon 8/7.

 

I am very strong in math but she is extremely impatient. She wanted to do the text by herself, however, I set it up so that we would do the mental math and timed practices everyday together. I let her do the lessons on her own and turn them in daily, which she did. I would then sit down the next morning and go over the ones she got incorrect before she was allowed to move on to the next lesson. I would set each up on the white board and ask her to go through them step by step to see where she was making errors. We would then work several more out together until she said she got the concept. She could do the work at the moment but when homework was turned in, she seemed to get the same things wrong. However, this past year she has been involved in night time choir and dance, volleyball, AWANA, ultimate frisbee, and youth group, and volunteering for every event possible at church. There are also practices during the year that go along with these events. Oh, and I forgot to mention weeekends when she was with friends. She also was allowed to listen to Christian music while doing homework. My husband thinks that she can handle that. I couldn't handle that at any age!

 

I have gotten her into some classes outside the home. She initially says she wants to take part but she soon needs constant reminding that assignments need done and deadlines are past. She puts very little effort into things like preparing three powerpoint slides for a 15 minute presentation. My husband told her how good it was but the other kids in the class blew her away with their 25-30 slide presentations! The sad thing is, she didn't really care.

 

I have her in several outside the home classes. I know the moms/teachers want to be kind and supportive, but sometimes I think they may not want to impress the importance of learning the subject upon her as deeply as she may need. I know they do not want to offend a parent that, if they did, may not enroll the child again.

 

There is one thing I did do two years ago that worked well. Up until my daughter was able to go to AWANA camp, I had to help her study and finish each book. Even with all her friends racing to the finish line, she would lag behind and just enjoy going there to see them each week. Well, we let her go to camp the first year she was able and she loved it. From then on, I told her I would not help her with verses or even schedule out her book for her. If she wanted the reward at the end, she would have to work it out on her own and pace herself. My husband had a fit but I refused to help. He started to help her but soon lost interest. She has never failed to finish a book since!

 

I have been trying to find a "carrot", so to speak, to dangle in front of her like that for academic success. Any ideas? It could be that my teaching style is lacking, and I would appreciate any insight into different approaches you all use for success. I would love more information in the time management that was spoken of. Maybe something in the way of a study skills book as well? She is a great kid and I want to do all I can to see her succeed.

 

I know this was long winded and you didn't get bored before you reached this point. I hope I have answered all the questions asked of me. If not, please feel free to remind me. Thanks for all your feedback. This is a wonderful group of homeschoolers with lots of terrific advice. I hope to hear more and any suggestions are welcome.

 

Susan

[Peela]

I wouldn't punish a child for failing, personally, but it could be a time to work out what is going on, why, and making adjustments acoordingly. If she is genuinely struggling with the concepts, what good does punishment do? Has she been taught how to study? Is this an outside class?

 

Yes, dh and I have different standards- he is not academic at all and he leaves it all up to me. He realises our kids are very different- one bright, academically capable one, the other struggling with dyslexia and not academically motivated at all...and so we dont hold both kids to the same standard. In fact, we don't really hold them to any standard- we just keep on keeping on and expect them to do their best.

 

I do feel outside activities are important- they are to my kids and I have never restricted their outside activities to get them to do better on their schoolwork. They are homeschoolers- they need the outside activities. However, I have also always tried to make sure our lives are in balance, and everyone gets enough sleep.

 

It is normal for parents not to agree on things. You havent shared enough details to really be able to comment on the reasonable/unreasonablness of your dh's or your approach.