Issue with my parents and my daughter

[Jean in Newcastle]

I

For the most part I don't think my MIL means to be manipulative-I think it just comes out that way because it is built-in if that makes any sense? She means well and has a good heart.

 

It doesn't matter if she means well and has a good heart if it harms your daughter. And this is harming your daughter. Your daughter is not being raised with firm limits (by that I mean reasonable ones that are enforced consistently). She is not being required to learn the skills and character traits needed to be a successful adult.

 

Here is how boundaries work. You figure out as the parents in your dd's life what she needs. You respectfully but firmly tell Gma and Gpa that you are the parents. If Gma has a pouty fit, then the consequence is that you leave her home or tell her good-bye on the phone or bring the visit at your house to a close (you can do this by "thanking them so much for coming. You'll see them again soon".) If Gma offers your dd an out, then you need to set firmer boundaries that include not letting dd go see Gma for a while. If Gma or Gpa bring up the rent, then you look for other housing.

 

It will require you to put your money where your mouth is, so to speak. Living in a small apartment that is affordable but with no strings attached is preferable (in my opinion) to being held hostage by your rental agreement. On the other hand, you need to let Gma and Gpa decide if they are going to make it an issue. So far, you've decided that since they've helped you (as a functional family should) that you should abdicate your parental authority in your child's life.

[Guest Noodles]

As a mother of teens, I do find the thread relevant- far more relevant than many other threads!

 

I also have a sense that the OPs are sincere people who are simply ignorant of this unique message board environment. They were advised to come here because of our reputation :) You go to a counsellor, you get one opinion- you come here - you get dozens! I think it has it's place and it can be useful!

I don't see an unsual amount of drama here.

And if they are trolls...there are people here who can still benefit from this thread..I know I have.

Anyone is free not to open this thread.

 

Thank you, Peela. We are new but we definitely don't mean to be ignorant. We really are decent hard working human beings. We've been together 18+ years; we have a dog, cat, fish, and even pet rats. <:3(____)~~~~~

My most favorite thing to do is spend time with my best friends/family and BBQ, play cards-games, etc... and have fun together. Other than that I enjoy gardening, reading, tennis, traveling, picnics in the park, walking my doggy, shopping, organizing, cleaning...Ok I am weird about "enjoying" cleaning...but it is how I channel sometimes negative energy into a positive outlet. Hubby calls me the "white tornado." Now if I could just figure out how to put together and use my steam mop...life would be good. LOL j/k :D

[Guest Noodles]

It doesn't matter if she means well and has a good heart if it harms your daughter. And this is harming your daughter. Your daughter is not being raised with firm limits (by that I mean reasonable ones that are enforced consistently). She is not being required to learn the skills and character traits needed to be a successful adult.

 

Here is how boundaries work. You figure out as the parents in your dd's life what she needs. You respectfully but firmly tell Gma and Gpa that you are the parents. If Gma has a pouty fit, then the consequence is that you leave her home or tell her good-bye on the phone or bring the visit at your house to a close (you can do this by "thanking them so much for coming. You'll see them again soon".) If Gma offers your dd an out, then you need to set firmer boundaries that include not letting dd go see Gma for a while. If Gma or Gpa bring up the rent, then you look for other housing.

 

It will require you to put your money where your mouth is, so to speak. Living in a small apartment that is affordable but with no strings attached is preferable (in my opinion) to being held hostage by your rental agreement. On the other hand, you need to let Gma and Gpa decide if they are going to make it an issue. So far, you've decided that since they've helped you (as a functional family should) that you should abdicate your parental authority in your child's life.

 

Very true. It is interesting that everything you just said here was told to us earlier by a good friend in person. It is like you were both reading each others minds and you don't even know each other! Well said and excellent advice. Thank you. :)

[Denisemomof4]

I have not read the responses, but two things strike me. First of all, your mother is manipulating you. She's sugar coating it all with her sweet voice and guilting you with her tears. Wrong is wrong and what she's doing is wrong. She's not being fair, and by you not doing anything, you're enabling her. I speak from experience. I had to learn how to be, what boundaries to set, with my own parents. I hope what I said isn't harsh, it's a BTDT thing.

 

Also, your parents do have a level of control over the situation because they own your home. I know it's difficult, but to some extent you hands are tied. They likely feel that they have the power to speak into this situation because you should be indebted to them.

 

I'd sit down and talk to the parents. Once the games begin, I'd lovingly but firmly shut them off. DON'T play into them.

 

My oldest is 18. Trust me, things will change A LOT in the next two years. My son was SO excited to buy his first car (an older model Celica but it was his dream and it's a cute car [cute is NOT a word he'd use, he'd use "sick!"]) and he was only driving two weeks before it was taken away. It was hard on me, as mom, to have him riding the bus home on the days he didn't have to work. It was easy for dh, but it wasn't for me. I felt bad, but I didn't let ANY of it show.

 

I'd have rules for the car. If they are broken again, I'd say that's proof that she's not responsible enough to be driving in the first place.

 

Maybe it's not best for me to say this, but I can understand taking away the Ipod for punishment. IMO, I think taking away the car would have been enough. Selling the Ipod was pretty harsh, but that's your decision and if it's what you felt was right, you had to follow through with it.

 

If you don't set up boundaries with the parents, things will only get worse. Your daughter will learn how to play you all to her advantage.

 

I agree with Jean, now is a good time to be building up the relationship!

[Peri]

I don't think the pouty faces are undermining. If your parents were to give her a treat after they know that she is in punishment, then that would be undermining to me.

 

As for her moving in with the grandparents, why not present it in a way that would let them know that it was for their benefit that you are against it. For example, "I don't like the idea of you stressing out over her." Or, "I'm not comfortable with her disrupting your lives at a time when you should be enjoying yourselves." Would that go over well with her?

[Peri]

We have always tried to tell her what is right and actually my parents have done the same. It is the underlying message that they give to her (and us) without actually saying it literally. Know what I mean?

 

I really don't understand this. What exactly are they doing that you view as undermining?

[Peri]

Hi there...I am his wife. :)

She does chores around the house to earn $$. I pay her $8.00 an hour for anything she does. She keeps track of what she does on a notepad on the fridge. Problem is, we don't "pay" enough-she can go to grandparents and ask and they will give her $100 easily for a mall shopping trip. Plus she doesn't really like do to chores/cleaning so she will only do it 1/2 way and I DO like cleaning so I do most of it.

She had a job for a day and quit. I couldn't blame her there because it was door to door. She has applied at places around town but isn't really full of gusto to get a job at this point and time.

She can't do many outdoor things due to severe allergies. She did want to volunteer at PetCo working with the kitties and filled out paperwork but never heard back. She does enjoy cooking and we encourage her and always give her positive praise when she makes something. Actually, anything she does good we always give positive praise.

I am at my wits end too. We are just at a loss as to what to do anymore because if it is not what the in-laws want or like or think SHE should have/do/want/etc..., then the guilt trip ensues. They still think she should be allowed to drive, even after breaking the law and lying to a police officer. I feel very stabbed in the back and hurt and it isn't the first time.

Thank you for any advice/constructive criticism, etc...we do appreciate it.

:D

 

OK! I finally get it. I would take the $100 away and donate it to charity because I know the grandparents will probably not take it back anyway. If she has spent the money already I would return the items or have her give the items to charity. If the grandparents won't listen and keep undermining like that I would put a distance between them ... yes I know it will hurt but it is only temporary until they both learn their lesson. If your daughter decides she wants to drive over there then take her lisence away. Don't give in to any tears no matter who they are coming from. And keep in mind that it WILL get worse before it gets any better. It's always the darkest before dawn.

[2cents]

Do any of you homeschooling parents ever deal with teenager problems or is it a bit easier because the kids are homeschooled and so they are there in your presence to keep an eye on?? I've been really seriously thinking about having her do her last 2 years of HS here at home but our family members tell us it is wrong because she "won't get the social skills she needs in life, etc..". But from what I see with friends that I do know that homeschool their kids, the kids for the most part are great kids and have a life and do the extra curricular stuff (like sports or choir) at a high school or church. I only have one friend whose high school home schooled teenager got into some trouble but he seems to have come around.

 

My son is past the teen years and we never had any problems with him but I really don't attribute that to homeschooling. I think that it could be helpful ONLY if you move far away enough that she is out of contact with toxic friends and has limited and supervised contact with the grandparents. As hard as it is to wrap your mind around it, you both need to give serious consideration to the amount of control your parents have over yourselves and by extension your daughter. You need to become self-sufficient. Your daughter may unintentionally be seeing you as less than parents and more as her peers and dependent on the grandparents. You can undermine yourself by accepting their charity. Everything comes at a cost and accepting their generosity is not helping you. My advice-MOVE away. Then instead of taking things away and giving back, have her get a job and buy her own things. It will teach her appreciation for what she has and will keep her busy. She needs to be redirected in a positive way. Homeschooling is not the magic key. It would only work if she WANTED it at this point. You can't use it as a way to get control. She would only resent it and homeschooling is about education and not behavior management. Good luck....and MOVE. :)

[Melissa in Australia]

I think homeschooling could work. It would help her break ties with bad association at school. It might be easiest if the whole family could move to a new area and start homeschooling then. but I know this might not be possible. .

 

Would it be possible to go on a long holiday, a trip around the country in a camper or something? There would be no need for a big confrontation with the grandparents, you will have a break form their "helpfulness". The daughter can be homeschooled and loose contact with her bad influence friends, and it can be a great way of bonding with the daughter.

 

The thing to remember is that homeschooling is extremely parent intensive, meaning that you couldn't expect a child to be pulled out of school at 16 and do their work by themselves if they were not self motivated. I find that I need to be in the same room with my children while they do their work. I need to be constantly coaxing, encouraging, cheering, and pushing them through their schoolwork.

[Guest Noodles]

I don't think the pouty faces are undermining. If your parents were to give her a treat after they know that she is in punishment, then that would be undermining to me.

 

As for her moving in with the grandparents, why not present it in a way that would let them know that it was for their benefit that you are against it. For example, "I don't like the idea of you stressing out over her." Or, "I'm not comfortable with her disrupting your lives at a time when you should be enjoying yourselves." Would that go over well with her?

 

Unfortunately, she gets treats and then some ($4, trips to store, etc...) even when they know she is being punished. When I tried to address it to her she goes "What I'm not suppose too because I'm grandma? I'm family! I didn't think her punishment rules applied to me. I shouldnt have to ask you two first before I get my granddaughter something or take her somewhere."

 

Hubby tried to talk to her today about the moving in thing and it turned into a disaster. She got upset, did the guilt trip thing, pouted, said she isn't going to "shun" her granddaughter, etc... So now we are talking about what our next plan of action is because obviously what we say to her is not working. :(

[Guest Noodles]

I have not read the responses, but two things strike me. First of all, your mother is manipulating you. She's sugar coating it all with her sweet voice and guilting you with her tears. Wrong is wrong and what she's doing is wrong. She's not being fair, and by you not doing anything, you're enabling her. I speak from experience. I had to learn how to be, what boundaries to set, with my own parents. I hope what I said isn't harsh, it's a BTDT thing.

 

Also, your parents do have a level of control over the situation because they own your home. I know it's difficult, but to some extent you hands are tied. They likely feel that they have the power to speak into this situation because you should be indebted to them.

 

I'd sit down and talk to the parents. Once the games begin, I'd lovingly but firmly shut them off. DON'T play into them.

 

My oldest is 18. Trust me, things will change A LOT in the next two years. My son was SO excited to buy his first car (an older model Celica but it was his dream and it's a cute car [cute is NOT a word he'd use, he'd use "sick!"]) and he was only driving two weeks before it was taken away. It was hard on me, as mom, to have him riding the bus home on the days he didn't have to work. It was easy for dh, but it wasn't for me. I felt bad, but I didn't let ANY of it show.

 

I'd have rules for the car. If they are broken again, I'd say that's proof that she's not responsible enough to be driving in the first place.

 

Maybe it's not best for me to say this, but I can understand taking away the Ipod for punishment. IMO, I think taking away the car would have been enough. Selling the Ipod was pretty harsh, but that's your decision and if it's what you felt was right, you had to follow through with it.

 

If you don't set up boundaries with the parents, things will only get worse. Your daughter will learn how to play you all to her advantage.

 

I agree with Jean, now is a good time to be building up the relationship!

 

You're 100% right, Denise. All of you are in your opinions, advice, etc... it is nice to get a diversity of answers/input to help us decide what to do next. It's hard being a teen parent but man...this is up there with some of the major stress factors in life!!

 

I should note that we took the iTouch away because of the porn/abuse she was doing on it. She got it for her birthday and within 2 days was doing the porn thing so...bye bye iTouch. We gave it back around Christmas because she was behaving (so we thought) and decided she had earned it back. Within a month she lost it again due to the porn/abuse with it. Then 2 months later we tried one more time and gave it back but again she abused it (and our rules) so this time we stuck to our guns and did sell it. (We had told her we were going to sell it last time but I caved and said lets give her 1 more chance. I know..sucker mom here. :crying:)

[Guest Noodles]

I think homeschooling could work. It would help her break ties with bad association at school. It might be easiest if the whole family could move to a new area and start homeschooling then. but I know this might not be possible. .

 

Would it be possible to go on a long holiday, a trip around the country in a camper or something? There would be no need for a big confrontation with the grandparents, you will have a break form their "helpfulness". The daughter can be homeschooled and loose contact with her bad influence friends, and it can be a great way of bonding with the daughter.

 

The thing to remember is that homeschooling is extremely parent intensive, meaning that you couldn't expect a child to be pulled out of school at 16 and do their work by themselves if they were not self motivated. I find that I need to be in the same room with my children while they do their work. I need to be constantly coaxing, encouraging, cheering, and pushing them through their schoolwork.

 

A nice vacation in Hawaii sounds good!! :rolleyes:

 

We both work at home so we would definitely be a big part of her homeschooling. We have discussed who would do which subject, etc... I suck at math whereas hubby has college math skills so that would be his dept; I enjoy American History so I'd do that part, etc... It actually started to sound enjoyable and I'd re-learn a few things but the kid is NOT keen on homeschooling. We told her about it and she broke down in tears; she doesn't want to leave her friends and high school. We told her well if anymore negative behaviors arise from her being at that school and friends influences then we may not have a choice. Hopefully this helps.

Question: Do I need to be a homeschooling parent to be on this forum/board or?? I have tried to find a rule about it in the stickies/rules, but so far no luck. (Or I am just missing something.) Please let me know. I don't want to intrude where I am not suppose too.

Thanks! :D

[Jean in Newcastle]

A nice vacation in Hawaii sounds good!! :rolleyes:

 

We both work at home so we would definitely be a big part of her homeschooling. We have discussed who would do which subject, etc... I suck at math whereas hubby has college math skills so that would be his dept; I enjoy American History so I'd do that part, etc... It actually started to sound enjoyable and I'd re-learn a few things but the kid is NOT keen on homeschooling. We told her about it and she broke down in tears; she doesn't want to leave her friends and high school. We told her well if anymore negative behaviors arise from her being at that school and friends influences then we may not have a choice. Hopefully this helps.

Question: Do I need to be a homeschooling parent to be on this forum/board or?? I have tried to find a rule about it in the stickies/rules, but so far no luck. (Or I am just missing something.) Please let me know. I don't want to intrude where I am not suppose too.

Thanks! :D

 

There are people on this forum who are not currently homeschooling. But they do have ties to homeschooling: either they used to homeschool or want to homeschool or before or afterschool (homeschooling on the side of ps education). If you are respectful of others and do not try to stir things up by posting controversial topics just to get people riled up, I believe that the moderators have no problem with you being here. But you do need to realize that we will have a homeschooling bias. And you will not be able to enter into many posts just because you don't have the experience with homeschooling.

[Guest Wendell]

I'd sit down and talk to the parents. Once the games begin, I'd lovingly but firmly shut them off. DON'T play into them.

Well, I just did that with mom. Boy, did the guilt trips fly (and the tears). I held my ground and told her that the games must stop. She said that she is just being herself and asked how I want her to act because she doesn't know anymore. I told her that I can't even have an honest discussion with her about anything because she is over-sensitive and this is what happens. She never would say anything directly, as usual. It's always a comment about something else that makes you realize what she really means. Hard to explain but she is a pro. I honestly think that it's not intentional and it is so built in to her that that is just the way she is. So be it, I can't keep letting this happen.

 

I love her to death but this is more stressful than anything in my life thus far. I don't totally see the "hostage" situation because monetary assistance has nothing to do with parental respect. But it does at times get to me and I feel guilty. I am able to separate in my mind how there's no relationship between those two things, but sometimes it is emotionally difficult to distinguish them.

 

To those who continue to call us trolls: fine. Just because I know how to quote someone multiple times does not make me a troll. Just because I am new to THIS forum does not make me a troll. Have you considered the fact that maybe, just maybe, I frequent other forums? I'm sorry to have crashed your party and sorry that you are so selfish as to not want to help genuine people in definite need. I did offer my phone number in a previous thread so anyone is welcome to verify my existence and legitimacy. PM me and I'd be happy to talk.

 

Counseling is definitely on the horizon and I never did expect this forum to be a substitute for that. I was hoping for some real help from real people with real experience and I definitely got that. I truly appreciate all the kind, helpful and even firm responses! I have a lot of regrets in how I've handled things in the past but I am so glad that the responses here have gotten me rethinking everything and wanting to make it right.

 

A very heartfelt thank you to everyone that helped selflessly without the need to call me names. :001_smile: If there is something I can do in return, I'd love to give back. I'm not exactly sure what it would be but you never know. I'm really good with Windows computers, Android devices and web design. :)

Edited May 19, 2010 by Wendell

[Night Elf]

I'm sorry to have crashed your party and sorry that you are so selfish as to not want to help genuine people in definite need. I did offer my phone number in a previous thread so anyone is welcome to verify my existence and legitimacy. PM me and I'd be happy to talk.

 

Nah, don't sweat it. And I'd drop it if I were you. Continuing to talk about it only makes things worse. And that is said with genuine politeness and courtesy. This is a big place with lots of users. Not everyone will feel the same way. Sometimes people here can get ugly, just like everywhere else.

 

I hope you guys stick around and join us in other threads too. Not everyone is a homeschooler. Some people are thinking about it. Some have sent their children back to school. Some have babies who aren't school age, or don't even have children yet. Homeschooling is interesting to talk about, and so are the other million topics we have on this general forum. :)