Younger child passing an older sibling academically

[Tutor]

I realized today that I have been reining in my dd11 academically to spare my dd13 getting passed by her younger sister. I've decided that this is simply unfair to dd11, and dh agrees and says I just need to treat them and teach them individually and they'll both be fine. I worry about my dd13 feeling like she's yet again being overshadowed by dd11 (dd11 has become an amazing fencer in less than a year, and dd13 has been fighting weight issues for the last 2 yrs. while dd11 eats like crazy and would blow over in a stiff breeze). DD13 has commented in the past that dd11 is smarter than her, and I have talked with all of my children repeatedly about looking inward when it comes to achievement and asking themselves if they are performing to their best ability regardless of how others are doing, not everyone was created the same way with the same gifts and talents, and so on.

 

I guess I just see dd13 as being a little emotionally fragile right now and want to treat all my children in a way that benefits each of them academically, emotionally, and spiritually.

 

If you all can give me some advice, I'd appreciate it. Maybe all I need is a pep talk and a cyber hug? :001_smile:

[Starr]

I think you have to teach them to their own level. But I would work hard on finding your elder dd something to do that is just hers. It might be volunteer work, another sport, art but something she can be proud of. 13 can be a hard age for kids. You sound like you are doing a great job. :grouphug:

[IsabelC]

I agree. You are right, it isn't OK to hold your 11yo back just to spare her sister's feelings. But yes, it will probably be difficult for the 13yo. The teens can be such a turbulent age for many people to start with, so she may need a lot of proof of your love and support. Hopefully you can find something to do just with your 13yo. Perhaps there is some privilege or responsibility she can take on that the 11yo isn't ready for? Or some activity that she is better at, or more enthusiastic about. If the elder girls has reached puberty first (or is going to) you might like to do something special to mark her become a young woman.

[galtgrl]

Are you sure you're not describing my situation, lol? We went through a similar thing last year - dd1 was 13, dd2 was 11. They have adjusted to it pretty well since then, and thankfully the younger has tried to be sensitive to the feelings of the elder, but it was hard for our older daughter to accept having her younger sister do all the same level work (or more advanced work, in a few cases) as her.

In our case, the elder has a real gift for sports that the younger doesn't have, so that helped.

But I would work hard on finding your elder dd something to do that is just hers.

Perhaps there is some privilege or responsibility she can take on that the 11yo isn't ready for?

:iagree:with what these posters said, too. It's a tough balancing act, but it can be done. Good luck!

[Ester Maria]

Ouch... That's been an issue here too, but in a somewhat different form.

 

Both of my daughters (12 & 13 y.o.) are gifted, but what keeps on "saving" me is the fact that they're interested in very different, sometimes downright opposite things, so it was easier for my older one to 'accept' that her younger sister has been working on many areas on the same level as she did + in some extra areas on a very advanced level. Thankfully, we're not talking about areas that the older daughter has an interest in, and she keeps a very high level in some other areas, so it "evens out".

 

But they don't work together - partially Math, occasionally some other things, but that's about it. They each work on her own level in each area, without being overly aware of what the other one is doing, and as they're working in different rooms and have different hours with me, there are no tensions.

 

I actually wouldn't consider my younger daughter to be more intelligent or more academic than my older one. They just chose different areas.

They prefer to separate "business" from "pleasure", so they don't discuss most of their own work with each other and connect to each other on the level of sisterhood rather than schooling. I used to groan about that and I used to think it would be more convenient for me if they worked together and taught each other, but I realized with time that this really is for the best.

[Tracy]

We try to regularly remind our dd that it is nice to be smart but it is better to be nice.

[8filltheheart]

My 8th grader completely surpassed my 10th grader this yr. He spends a lot of time helping her with math. This same dd has also been completely overshadowed by her 11 yos in the sport they both love. The younger 2 are definitely gifted in certain areas.

 

We constantly affirm our dd for just how wonderful a person she is (b/c she truly is!!) But, really, we have always encouraged them to be uniquely themselves. And for the most part we haven't had any noses out of joint. Actutally the most serious out of joint sibling stuff we have had to deal with is our 8 yod since the baby was born. She was experiencing some very serious middle child syndrome (feeling completely overlooked) We have gotten her involved in gymnastics which none of the older kids have really done (well, not since she was born anyway!) So for her it is her own special place to shine and feel unique. It has helped a lot. So, perhaps the same philosophy would work here??

[wy_kid_wrangler04]

My 2nd grader is completely understanding my 6th graders math concepts. I guess I never thought of her as accelerated, but I guess maybe she is? She has either self taught, or just understands how to multiply and divide fractions because earlier this year when I was quizzing my 6th grader my 2nd grader kept yelling out the answers (before my 6th grader, that didnt go over very well). She can do that, but just doesnt understand mental math. She can do decimals and is starting to understand percents (through watching her older sister I am assuming) So I might have an interesting situation on my hands in the next little bit considering they are 4 years apart.

[Nan in Mass]

We didn't have trouble, though, because the older one was older. He got his license before the younger one, etc. Mostly, though, he had things that he knew he was better at - people. The youngest is a typical nerdy geek who doesn't care particularly about having great people skills. The older one is very attractive with great people skills. The older one was working hard to create world peace. The older one did things like peacewalk in Japan when he was 13/14. He was able to travel independently and had friends all over the world. The youngest wasn't very comfortable out of the family (at that time). I taught the two of them together for great books and science and the fact that we had a rule that the older one had to answer first because the younger one's answers were always better didn't worry him. He had taken a subway across Tokoyo by himself at that age. He had contributed to the world. It seemed very unimportant that his brother knew how to calculate how fast a ball would fall and he didn't.

 

I think you are right to be worried. My cousins had a situation like yours (weight, schoolwork, and sports included) and it didn't end well. I think the solution, though, is to find something among grownups for your oldest to do, something where she is improving the world and gets plenty of outside adult praise for doing it, especially if it is praise from people who don't know her sister and don't care what her sister is doing because they are working hard to save the world and her sister isn't helping them. I would think about what your oldest cares about - peace? animals? people? the environment? trees? little children? homelessness? literacy? - and try to get her involved volunteering with other adults. Audubon is a good place to try if it involves nature. Your local animal shelter is good if it is animals. You probably have local groups that are politically active if it is something like peace. The project will feel more grownup (and therefore carry more weight) if it is an adult volunteer group and not a children's one. Her other option is to try to organize something on her own. Children can and do make a difference in the world, if someone organizes them. Perhaps your daughter could be that person, although it is easier to do that if the child is in school or another large organization of some sort. Children also manage, sometimes, to accomplish things on their own, like saving a local park or educating their community about the dangers of using lawn fertilizer within the water shed of their local drinking supply.

 

The thing that will help your daughter most, I think, is to expand her world so that it is bigger than your family circle, much bigger, and help her to contribute to that bigger world.

 

HTH

-Nan

[Guest melissak]

Very well said! I have a 13 year old in college and a 17 year old in high school but it has never been a problem. My 17 year old's world has always been bigger than our family. He has activities/friends/interests that have nothing to do with younger silbing. Things that he excels in and give him his own identity. OP, as Nan said, it is imperative that the older child has something that is hers and hers alone, that she can shine in and be the star. Heck, we all need that no matter our age or circumstances!

[TravelingChris]

I have two I am homeschooling. Next year, they will be taking physics together. I expect that dd2 will find it easier than dd1. DD1 doesn't care. She knows her sister is better in mechanical things and often asks her to help her with a problem like fixing her bike. She is aware enough that she is a better writer and reader. It is good enough for her. DD1 wants to be a prosecutor and DD2 an engineer.

[Brindee]

That happened with my boys. They are 2 1/2 years apart, and the younger caught up with the older in math. I did separate programs so there wouldn't be exact comparisons, but at first it bothered ds older that ds younger was at the same level in math.

 

He and I talked about it one time, that's all he needed. I told him that Dad and I didn't love him any less, their little sister didn't love him any less. And was it really something to be concerned/upset about? Yes, he thought it was worth being upset about. I asked him what he felt he, himself, was good at. Well, he could play piano well, and sing well. I asked how he thought his brother did in those things (ds16 does not sing on key, and when taking piano was very mechanical in his playing. ds18, on the other hand, has music inside of him and when he plays piano it just flows out beautifully). He smiled and said, I don't want to be mean or anything, but he doesn't do very well at those." "Right, so don't you think it's okay for you to do so very well with musical things, and for him to do well in mathematical things? I think so! That way, instead of getting upset about it, we can be proud of him, and you, and encourage each other!"

 

We also talked about how God made us all different, and we were to work and be happy with the talents and abilities God gave us! So, ds18, to his credit, tried his best to be encouraging to his brother, and eventually it didn't bother him anymore.

 

As the others have said, it helps to find things they are strong in and praise their abilities in those areas!