Remember the girl who beat up her mother?

[EthiopianFood]

The mother had already called the police to come and get both of her children today. They refused, unless the mother wanted to have them arrested for a crime.

 

This sounds off to me. I doubt the mom asked them to get the girls because they were being abused. Make sure you are very, very clear on Monday about what you have observed, and what the girl has told you. I know I have been in situations where I thought "it was what it was," but it was really just that I assumed everyone had all the information necessary, when they didn't.

[RoughCollie]

Oh gosh, I'm sorry, I thought your post about your dh, lawyer, and ds's was saying that they wanted you to bring her home tonight! That was the part that upset me.

 

That's okay, RaeAnne. I just wanted you to know that we are not in a place where we can take on another child right now.

 

The lawyer said to take her home tonight, if her mother was there (and the violent sister was not). DH said to let her stay here tonight.

 

The entire group told me not to let her live here permanently. In fact, DS1 came in here and told me that he was not being selfish, he has good common sense reasons for his advice. And he did. (Note: the decision had already been made during my conversation with the police.)

[RoughCollie]

This sounds off to me. I doubt the mom asked them to get the girls because they were being abused. Make sure you are very, very clear on Monday about what you have observed, and what the girl has told you. I know I have been in situations where I thought "it was what it was," but it was really just that I assumed everyone had all the information necessary, when they didn't.

 

No, the girls were arguing and then the violent girl attacked her sister. The sister went out the window to escape from the violent girl. In the process, she kicked the glass and the window broke. At that point, the mother wanted to get shed of the girls, so she called the police.

 

They are renting an 80 year old house that is in disrepair. It looks like a hovel. The windows are quite old. I have one window in the 80 year old house that we are renting that is not new. If I tap on it, the glass will fall out, so I am pretty sure the sister did not break that window on purpose.

 

I will be very clear, believe you me.

Edited April 11, 2010 by RoughCollie

[EthiopianFood]

That's okay, RaeAnne. I just wanted you to know that we are not in a place where we can take on another child right now.

 

You shouldn't have to apologize or explain. You are doing everything you should. You are doing your job. You are being a loving female figure to this girl by insisting that she gets the help she needs to be in a safe place. :grouphug:

 

I will be very clear, believe you me.

 

:grouphug: Kick some butt, mama.

[RoughCollie]

Kick some butt, mama.

 

The only person who can out-butt-kick me is Remudamom. I sincerely believe that.

 

No worries. :grouphug:

[StephanieZ]

Update??

[RoughCollie]

I finally got her mother on the phone this evening. She came to get the sister right after we finished talking. She said the sister caused all the problems due to PMS.

 

She said the sister is lying about everything, and that youth services is coming in the morning to get both girls. The sister will go to her father's house and the violent girl will go into foster care. This is because the mother will die within a few months from stress if her daughters continue to live with her. Give me a break!

 

I did not ask the mother why, suddenly, she is not concerned about all the money she will lose in government funds if her DDs are not living with her. That was her big concern a couple of weeks ago, when the violent girl beat her up. That is why she didn't call youth services then.

 

The mother told the sister to come home. At that point, I would be breaking the law not to relinquish custody of her, so I did.

 

DH had already come home from work in case we had to take the sister home. There was no way I was going to deal with this by myself.

 

By Sunday afternoon, I was pretty darned angry with the mother. There is no reason to dump her DD on me, and then refuse to talk to me or to her all weekend. And she had the nerve to ask me why I had called the police!

 

Let's just say that before the mother started telling me her side of the story, that I laid down the law to her.

 

Then we had to talk with DD, because this morning DD asked me to adopt the sister. Then DD got the bright idea that we could be foster parents and get money for it.

 

So we explained our views to DD, especially that we would not be foster parents in order to get money, but only because we love kids. DD does not understand why we can't take the sister into our home, but I would not have understood that either at her age. This is the first time DD has ever met people like this (dysfunctional, abusive, alcoholic, and so forth). She has no clue about the complexities of the situation.

 

Tomorrow I am going to call youth services and report this. I am also going to find out what to do if the sister shows up on my doorstep again. I meant it when I told the mother that I will not allow this to occur again. Our family is not going to get mixed up with this family's problems, period.

 

I told DH that we will get a restraining order against all of them if the mother ever pulls anything like this again. I cannot handle the stress physically, due to my serious heart problems. It is no picnic for me to be so stressed out.

 

I don't expect to have to get a restraining order, because usually the forcefulness and directness of what I say makes users and bullies back off.

 

So that's the update.

 

RC

[Harriet Vane]

I finally got her mother on the phone this evening. She came to get the sister right after we finished talking. She said the sister caused all the problems due to PMS.

 

She said the sister is lying about everything, and that youth services is coming in the morning to get both girls. The sister will go to her father's house and the violent girl will go into foster care. This is because the mother will die within a few months from stress if her daughters continue to live with her. Give me a break!

 

I did not ask the mother why, suddenly, she is not concerned about all the money she will lose in government funds if her DDs are not living with her. That was her big concern a couple of weeks ago, when the violent girl beat her up. That is why she didn't call youth services then.

 

The mother told the sister to come home. At that point, I would be breaking the law not to relinquish custody of her, so I did.

 

DH had already come home from work in case we had to take the sister home. There was no way I was going to deal with this by myself.

 

By Sunday afternoon, I was pretty darned angry with the mother. There is no reason to dump her DD on me, and then refuse to talk to me or to her all weekend. And she had the nerve to ask me why I had called the police!

 

Let's just say that before the mother started telling me her side of the story, that I laid down the law to her.

 

Then we had to talk with DD, because this morning DD asked me to adopt the sister. Then DD got the bright idea that we could be foster parents and get money for it.

 

So we explained our views to DD, especially that we would not be foster parents in order to get money, but only because we love kids. DD does not understand why we can't take the sister into our home, but I would not have understood that either at her age. This is the first time DD has ever met people like this (dysfunctional, abusive, alcoholic, and so forth). She has no clue about the complexities of the situation.

 

Tomorrow I am going to call youth services and report this. I am also going to find out what to do if the sister shows up on my doorstep again. I meant it when I told the mother that I will not allow this to occur again. Our family is not going to get mixed up with this family's problems, period.

 

I told DH that we will get a restraining order against all of them if the mother ever pulls anything like this again. I cannot handle the stress physically, due to my serious heart problems. It is no picnic for me to be so stressed out.

 

I don't expect to have to get a restraining order, because usually the forcefulness and directness of what I say makes users and bullies back off.

 

So that's the update.

 

RC

:grouphug:

 

When you report this, you need to report the specific instances of abuse. Have a written list to refer to as you talk so that you present everything, efficiently. Use words like "hit repeatedly." Hotline workers look for certain kinds of red flag phrases--you need to be calm (hysterics are distracting) and to use vocabulary that highlights abuse and RISK OF HARM.

 

They will try to minimize what happened because these are teenagers and it is very, very difficult to place teenagers. Sister needs to be coached to HOLD TO THE TRUTH no matter what, and you and your children need to repeat the facts. When the worker minimizes the risk of harm, just calmly restate the facts, using those words and phrases that highlight specific abuse and risk of harm.

 

Be prepared to repeat.

 

If the hotline worker does not refer or indicate the call, wait a couple hours and report it again to a different worker.

 

They will also minimize the role of the boyfriend's abuse because he is not in the home at present. The home will be considered safe because he is not residing there. Therefore try to NOT tell them the boyfriend moved out, AND make sure you present clearly the abuse tendered by the mother and sister.

 

If you know for a fact that boyfriend is back in the house, report it immediately. Repeat all facts as though there were no previous report.

[Liz CA]

Gosh, I know the feeling of not wanting to get in the middle but I think I would keep the 13yo in my house, provide her with a safe place for this night and pray and trust God to keep my family from being harmed by these people.

Tomorrow, you can explain to the girl that you have no choice other than to call the police and do exactly that. If you call the police often enough, be the squeaky wheel and they observe the conditions first hand, I cannot imagine that they would leave a minor there helplessly. I think lionfamily pointed out that you never know when one of them goes bonkers and uses the gun so you are really never quite safe, regardless of what course of action you take now.

Better they take the older sister into custody and find a place for the younger one before things deteriorate even further.

 

Oh, and by all means, mention that the older sister has mental issues and that there is a gun in the house.

[Jean in Newcastle]

Gosh, I know the feeling of not wanting to get in the middle but I think I would keep the 13yo in my house, provide her with a safe place for this night and pray and trust God to keep my family from being harmed by these people.

Tomorrow, you can explain to the girl that you have no choice other than to call the police and do exactly that. If you call the police often enough, be the squeaky wheel and they observe the conditions first hand, I cannot imagine that they would leave a minor there helplessly. I think lionfamily pointed out that you never know when one of them goes bonkers and uses the gun so you are really never quite safe, regardless of what course of action you take now.

Better they take the older sister into custody and find a place for the younger one before things deteriorate even further.

 

Oh, and by all means, mention that the older sister has mental issues and that there is a gun in the house.

 

She can't keep the 13 year old if the mother wants her to go home. She could be charged with kidnapping if she did so.

[Liz CA]

I cannot imagine what you are going through. It sounds like a nightmare for everyone. So basically you are responsible for this child until Monday?

 

Let's all pray for this girl. Come Monday, she won't have a home anymore and the home she thought she had was abusive and neglectful anyway.

 

You and your dh are wonderful people for providing a safe haven until things can get reported. I cannot imagine what goes on inside this girl. I'll pray.

[Liz CA]

She can't keep the 13 year old if the mother wants her to go home. She could be charged with kidnapping if she did so.

 

Oh, I was under the impression they could not get a hold of the mother and the mother does not care. But it sounds like (see post below) that the police told them they can keep her unless the mother now changes her mind and wants her to come back. What horror some young ones have to endure!

[EthiopianFood]

:grouphug:

 

When you report this, you need to report the specific instances of abuse. Have a written list to refer to as you talk so that you present everything, efficiently. Use words like "hit repeatedly." Hotline workers look for certain kinds of red flag phrases--you need to be calm (hysterics are distracting) and to use vocabulary that highlights abuse and RISK OF HARM.

 

They will try to minimize what happened because these are teenagers and it is very, very difficult to place teenagers. Sister needs to be coached to HOLD TO THE TRUTH no matter what, and you and your children need to repeat the facts. When the worker minimizes the risk of harm, just calmly restate the facts, using those words and phrases that highlight specific abuse and risk of harm.

 

Be prepared to repeat.

 

If the hotline worker does not refer or indicate the call, wait a couple hours and report it again to a different worker.

 

They will also minimize the role of the boyfriend's abuse because he is not in the home at present. The home will be considered safe because he is not residing there. Therefore try to NOT tell them the boyfriend moved out, AND make sure you present clearly the abuse tendered by the mother and sister.

 

If you know for a fact that boyfriend is back in the house, report it immediately. Repeat all facts as though there were no previous report.

 

:iagree:I'm a licensed social worker. This lady knows what she's talking about.

[EthiopianFood]

Oh, I was under the impression they could not get a hold of the mother and the mother does not care. But it sounds like (see post below) that the police told them they can keep her unless the mother now changes her mind and wants her to come back. What horror some young ones have to endure!

 

 

I think you missed a post. :) They got ahold of her, and she wanted the girl back. She got this girl through the storm though, and that's what matters for now.

[mom2denj]

WOW! This is all so sad! My heart breaks for this little sister, she is the same age as my dd and I cannot imagine the life she is having to endure. Unfortunately, this sort of thing happens everyday. My mom works for a police dept as a dispatcher and I have been hearing stories like this for 25 yrs.

I think that you are doing the right thing for your family RoughCollie. You did step up and keep her as long as you could. I would try and talk with someone in the school system, let them know that there is abuse suspected and see if they can get this situation checked out. Then you would be helping anonymously.

I am praying for this whole family and for yours RoughCollie!

:grouphug: Kristen

[RoughCollie]

Gosh, I know the feeling of not wanting to get in the middle but I think I would keep the 13yo in my house, provide her with a safe place for this night and pray and trust God to keep my family from being harmed by these people.

 

 

I did all that on Saturday night. On Sunday at 6:30 p.m., the mother said she wanted the girl to come home. To avoid breaking the law, I relinquished her to her mother.

 

I did tell the state police that the mother has a gun. That's a given, where I live (except for us).

Edited April 12, 2010 by RoughCollie

[RoughCollie]

Oh, I was under the impression they could not get a hold of the mother and the mother does not care.

 

The mother was unavailable from Saturday morning until Sunday at 6:30 p.m.

[RoughCollie]

I would try and talk with someone in the school system, let them know that there is abuse suspected and see if they can get this situation checked out.

 

I am going to call youth services and the guidance counselor in 10 minutes.

[RoughCollie]

When you report this, you need to report the specific instances of abuse.

 

I will take your advice. Thank you.

 

ETA: I called CYS and they took my report. The guy said they will have a meeting and decide what to do about it. I urged them to investigate this.

 

I am still waiting for the school guidance counselor to call me back.

Edited April 12, 2010 by RoughCollie

[StephanieZ]

I will take your advice. Thank you.

 

ETA: I called CYS and they took my report. The guy said they will have a meeting and decide what to do about it. I urged them to investigate this.

 

I am still waiting for the school guidance counselor to call me back.

 

I just wanted to give you :grouphug: and :hurray: you for doing the right thing.

 

I can't imagine how difficult and scary it must be to put yourself and your family out there for this girl and her crazy family. I also imagine that your actions will go without thanks and may or may not lead to a positive resolution, as this is obviously a very chaotic and troubled home.

 

It is easy to look from outside and see what someone SHOULD do. But, it can be very hard to DO it. You saw it, and you did it. When we learn that dozens of people looked the other way while driving by a crime in progress, we always think we would have been to one to stop. Sadly, the truth is that most of us wouldn't have stopped.

 

You stopped and you did something. Thank God for it.

[newbie]

I am so sorry for all you are going through. Please take it easy and put it in the hands of the county.

 

We dont want anything to happen to you.

 

I totally understand about trying to start a new life and where you are coming from. This is just putting a fly in the ointment.

[RoughCollie]

Thank you for your kind words, Stephanie.

 

Truly, the worst part was that as I was recounting the events to the CYS social worker, I was overcome with this feeling of dread that nothing would be done. Why? The problem of child abuse and neglect is not uncommon around here, and there are much worse stories than than this one is, from what I know about the situation at hand.

 

RC

[Jean in Newcastle]

Thank you for your kind words, Stephanie.

 

Truly, the worst part was that as I was recounting the events to the CYS social worker, I was overcome with this feeling of dread that nothing would be done. Why? The problem of child abuse and neglect is not uncommon around here, and there are much worse stories than than this one is, from what I know about the situation at hand.

 

RC

 

:grouphug: I know this is a depressing comment, but I had the same feeling of dread as I was reading your posts. :grouphug:

[RoughCollie]

:grouphug: I know this is a depressing comment, but I had the same feeling of dread as I was reading your posts. :grouphug:

 

I realized today that this family's situation is bad compared to that of my family, but not bad compared to other families in which the people are abused or neglected.

 

This family has food, clothing, shelter, medical care, and the kids go to school.

[Harriet Vane]

Just want you to know that I have been thinking of you and praying for you. This situation is intense, boundary-less, and hard for all of you. I applaud your reporting and especially your desire to do what is right. May God bless you abundantly.

 

I will continue to pray for you and for this situation.