Cross post: How do you deal with this trait?

[klmama]

My 11 yo ds is like two different children, depending on the subject he is learning. He is amazing when it comes to topics he loves - history, science, literature, technology. He remembers the littlest details, grasps the big picture of how they fit together and with other disciplines, and loves every moment. It's a joy to teach him these subjects. He's happy, animated, and participates fully in all discussions, sharing his insights easily.

 

Then, there are the subjects he finds tedious - math, grammar, and writing (compositions). Those are pure torture for both of us. He doesn't want to learn these subjects (unless he gets to do simple algebra problems, which he enjoys). He struggles to listen to an explanation from me. He daydreams. In math he argues about every detail if I try to explain how to do things differently than the way he figured out on his own, which works some of the time but not all of the time, despite his insistance that his way is always right. He refuses to work the problems on paper because the only interesting thing is doing it entirely in his head, so we have daily difficulties with my requirement that he write down what he did. He knows he needs to learn all about fractions, percentages, ratios, exponents, etc. in order to do "real" algebra, but getting there is killing us both. To top it all off, he gets anxious when given a reasonable time limit (you have x amount of time to work on this, then we are moving on and you'll do the rest as homework) and he makes many more mistakes then. Also, his stress level then affects my other dc and me.

 

He is a sweet boy who really hates that he gets difficult and anxious this way, but he can't seem to get around it. I don't know what to do to break this pattern or to make these subjects more interesting for him. Any ideas for this stressed mom?

[Mrs. H.]

At 11 years old, it's time for a little "tough love", Mom. I don't think there is anything wrong with you setting a time limit for subjects that he gets bogged down in or considers boring...when he is an adult, there will be deadlines for everything in the workplace, and we are training them to be adults one day.

 

If he makes too many mistakes trying to get it all done during his time limit for math, then those get marked wrong, and he has to re-do them during his "homework" time. If he complains, he gets told that you are more than willing to help him, but he has to at least try it your way, not argue or complain, and that rushing through problems to finish will cause careless mistakes that he must fix. If he were in public school, they would take this approach, and I often tell my kids that. They would also mark problems wrong that are not worked out, and I will tell my dc if they don't "show their work", then the problem will be marked wrong and re-done. This is important for college level math and science, where they require that every step be written down along the way.

 

For compositions, maybe letting him do them on the computer would help. Sometimes kids get bogged down by the actual "writing", and using a typing program makes this a novelty, at least for a while.

 

For the hatred of grammar, I have no help for you, except to say keep the lessons short, if you are using a program that is good but has too much repetition (like R & S), then have him work every other problem or exercise instead of every one of them, and just get through it. Dh hated grammar in school, and I loved it. I have a dd who loves grammar, and a ds who hates it. We just do his 20 min. every day and get it over with, like taking medicine. He needs it, he gets it done, and we move on quickly.

[klmama]

I tell him almost exactly what you suggested, on a daily basis, and I do follow through!

[Mrs. H.]

Does your dh get involved much in his disclipline? Maybe it's time for a man-to-man chat.

[Carol in Cal.]

I'm not saying it's unreasonable, I'm just saying that I wonder about this. Daily. Being as how I have an 11 year myself and all. Did I mention DAILY?

 

So. Here is what I insist on. I insist on her doing math, grammar, and writing everyday. I insist that most days math and grammar be done first. This year I switched to DIVE CD's for math in January, and that took some of the pressure off of our relationship. I insist on behavioral things, more so that heart things. Work must be done. Arguments cannot be protracted. A direct order must be followed. Period. (I don't give a lot of those, but when I do, I don't take questions or much pushback.) If someone asks why in a fresh tone, they do not get an answer. Rather, they get a repeated order. And sometimes a 'do as I say.'

 

When I ask for a better attitude, I tend to get fake perkiness. I consider that a modest improvement over sulking, so I take it.

 

But by the same token, I do treat DD with respect. I model the kind of behavior that I want, as much as I can. I remember that I can't always control my own attitude as well as I would like, either. I extend grace. I have those heart discussions, but not in the moment--later, when things are calm again. I don't let them stall us.

[Rosie_0801]

I'd disguise writing etc as history and science. I've never been able to get my head around economics or politics unless it was delivered as history. It somehow makes it more digestible for me.

As for maths, perhaps changing teaching styles or curriculums would help. Making maths real might help too. How would he be if, once he had mastered a maths rule or fact, you had him make up an experiment or a project to test it out? Then he can write up his experiment or a blurb about his project. One realises the value of geometry when one can't get one's quilting blocks to square up, or a stool to sit without a wobble.

Rosie

[Peela]

How do I deal with this trait?

I just keep on keeping on. I discern the battles I will win at all costs, and let go of some of the rest. I simplify. I try and combine subjects so he is not doing too many writing assignments. I let him work on the computer for writing. I literally have to sit and do his maths with him, and he is 12- I have to go over the lessons, get him started, then keep going over and helping him, otherwise he just gets half of them wrong and maths takes 3 hours and I end up having to explain it all anyway, so I may as well help at the beginning.

I learned he has learning difficulties, so I am realising he simply needs my help, and thats the advantage of homeschooling. He needs my help in maths. He needs my help in lots of things. He finds it hard to follow instructions himself, so i have him read them aloud and tell me what they mean, and then I usually have to help him some more as well.

I have another child who picks things up easily, and I was like that, so I am still adjusting to the fact that this child is different to me, this child actually doesn't understand until he sees it done three or 4 times, and then he will forget it next time anyway. This child gets frustrated because he doesn't understand things easily and he hates himself already for not being able to understand, so my frustration on top of that really doesn't help.

I thought it was behavioral. And there are some behavioral issues as well, because who wants to do something that is so hard? Thats why kids run amok in schools.

I think it's easy to expect too much, and put it all down to not trying. I was given quite a lecture recently by a dyslexic specialist about how hard some things are for some kids- it gave me an insight into the fact that we are not all built alike. Homeschooling is a blessing for many kids, it just takes a hell of a lot of patience from us mums sometimes.

[klmama]

Monday is a new day. Try, try again. :)