Finding peers and building friendships

[Gratia271]

Based on the other post about not being able to discuss abilities and/or converse with others about our children, I have a related question. How have all of you found peers for your children? This has been a relentless struggle for us in our household. I would like my children to have actual peers, not just friendships where they always have to accommodate and adjust to the kids around them. How did your kids find a peer base/friends when they were so out of sync with their "age-mates"?

 

Nancy

[NicksMama-Zack's Mama Too]

Based on the other post about not being able to discuss abilities and/or converse with others about our children, I have a related question. How have all of you found peers for your children? This has been a relentless struggle for us in our household. I would like my children to have actual peers, not just friendships where they always have to accommodate and adjust to the kids around them. How did your kids find a peer base/friends when they were so out of sync with their "age-mates"?

 

Nancy

 

No luck here - but I haven't been actively looking. I have to work hard to help them get along with each other (siblings) and that seems to take all my energy.

 

On their own, they generally gravitate toward older kids or adults as they don't seem to enjoy the company of their age-mates. I don't fret over it.

 

FWIW, I don't find that much value in them having a peer base at their ages (12 & 13) as I don't like much of the pop culture, boy/girl drama that seems to permeate every aspect of teen society.

 

Even I don't hang out or seek out other homeschooling moms (other than on these boards!). I hang out with people who live far different lifestyles than my own, so I guess I don't have any "peers" in my own life.

 

I know, I know...I'm weird.

 

K

[Gratia271]

You basically just described our culture too! My husband and I never really had a peer base growing up which we didn't (and still don't) really mind. No one in our house really has any desire to "fit" per se. I guess I just feel like it would be nice for them to find some others they click with. They spend most of their time with adults and with some young adults. What I am discovering as my oldest is doing HS work (yet nowhere near HS age) is that I don't want her around these older girls with whom she has nothing in common in most respects, yet she has nothing in common with girls her age either. I never really did growing up, but I guess I am attached to the idea that somewhere out there maybe there is someone with whom all of us can connect. As you said in your post, too, my husband and I prefer to be around others who have different ideas and views. I guess we are all just "outside-the-box noconformist idealists." Thanks for your post. It is nice to know someone out there feels similarly! :001_smile:

[zaichiki]

How did your kids find a peer base/friends when they were so out of sync with their "age-mates"?

 

We’ve actually had a lot of luck finding like-minded peers. The trick, for us, has been to look in their areas of interest. We do Suzuki music lessons at a music school where there are a lot of other musically-minded kids and similarly-minded parents (homeschool and school families). Some of our closest friends have been found this way.

 

In our area there is a yearly competition at a university history museum. Ds found a good handful of like-minded, similar-aged kids on his competition team. They were all obsessed with the same topic – it was wonderful!

 

When ds was little there was another homeschool family on our block. Their family had the same cultural mix as ours. Our kids became very close.

We now live in a rural area. There are very few kids within walking distance of our home. Dd has met some great girls at the library book club, though. She looks forward to seeing them and loves it when she “bumps into them” around town.

 

My kids have been willing to befriend other children who may be a few years older. So far, while they’re still young, this works out very well. I’m not sure how it will work as dd gets older and those girls become teenagers before she does. I guess we’ll see…

Edited March 24, 2010 by zaichiki

[Heather in WI]

It wasn't that hard, really. Our boys are active in Cub Scouts, church, and sports through our neighborhood recreational department. (The sports counts as a two-fer in my book ... friendships + phy. ed! ;))They also play with the children in our neighborhood. We're about to start First Lego League for our oldest son, too.

 

I've found that, regardless of math level, boys still like to be boys and have fun. :-)

[Dmmetler]

I am very lucky, as is my DD. My best friend "gets" DD because her DD is a similar child (not as academically oriented or advanced, but definitely has the emotional sensitivity, higher thinking, and other traits that come with giftedness), and the girls "get" each other.

 

DD also has "common ground" friends who she can get along with due to a shared interest, and does pretty well with, mostly slightly older girls she's met through dance or music.

[MaMa2005]

Boy does this hit home, especially today. Our co-op is done with classes so now we only meet for social time. Today was a meet up at an awesome playground. I watched my DS go up to so many boys, introduce himself and ask if they wanted to play. Either the other child would just walk away, or say no, or just stare at DS. I was thinking that DS was really lacking in social skills, but it seemed like it was the other way around.

 

I finally helped him connect with another child and off they went. But it is heartbreaking as DS really doesn't have any close friends. As he gets older, I know I won't worry about it as much, but at 4, it would be nice to have a close friend.

 

DS's birthday is in 2 months. We have never done a party and asked him if he would like one this year. (We must attend a million parties each year, but they are the kind where the parents invite EVERYONE under the sun to a jump and jiggle place.) When asked who he would like to invite, he told us "no party", all he wanted was a homemade cake and us there to celebrate the day. Gotta love a kid like that!

[Guest moi]

Boy does this hit home, especially today. Our co-op is done with classes so now we only meet for social time. Today was a meet up at an awesome playground. I watched my DS go up to so many boys, introduce himself and ask if they wanted to play. Either the other child would just walk away, or say no, or just stare at DS. I was thinking that DS was really lacking in social skills, but it seemed like it was the other way around.

 

I joined here a week or so ago simply to reply to your post. (I had to leave at the time and have just now been able to get back here.) Anyway, I just wanted you to know that your post is identical to statemennts and observations I've made about my ds in the past --IDENTICAL!

 

We started noticing this kind of behavior (in other children around our ds) as early as about two years of age. We thought that when he hit three and there was more "mingling" that things would resolve. This was not the case. (He's now six.) He is super friendly, yet kids just stare at him and either say nothing or walk away. He learned by the age of four to stop trying to engage children anywhere near his age because of the reaction that he gets. We still occasionally try to urge him to "risk" engaging, but he's aware enough now of the rejection that it's very uncomfortable for him and for us.

 

I know people think I'm exaggerating when I say that it happens almost every time, but I am not. He has had four children in his six years who didn't run away ---three girls and one boy. When I first noticed other children shying away from him, I told others that it seemed to me that children sensed something about him that adults could not, something that made them intimidated or somehow uncomfortable. It broke my heart to watch him be continually rejected by other children. They never even gave him a chance.

 

We only discovered in the past year that he is PG, so we've supposed that that had something to do with it; however, he doesn't approach children and use his large vocabulary or start spouting factoids from his fount of knowledge; he just acts 'average'... well, at least until he gets to know you... then he turns into super nerd most of the time. This started once he turned six. (He does adjust his behavior to meet a child's or adult's expectations of him.) We even had one little boy who (literally) ran off screaming when my son politely asked, "May I get on the see-saw with you?"

 

DS's birthday is in 2 months. We have never done a party and asked him if he would like one this year. (We must attend a million parties each year, but they are the kind where the parents invite EVERYONE under the sun to a jump and jiggle place.) When asked who he would like to invite, he told us "no party", all he wanted was a homemade cake and us there to celebrate the day. Gotta love a kid like that!

We've never had one either, with the exception of his first and second birthdays when we did a family party (where no other children were there!?!). We usually have a mini-trip or a big weekend where we do something special with him. He has no friends to even invite to a party, other than very casual acquaintances. (If we could invite all of his adult friends, then we could have a party.) The thing is, he is perfectly happy with it just being us, and he also loves spending time with adults or older children (children who are about five years older than himself... though 'they' don't usually want to hang out with him because of his age.)

 

Do you know your son's level of giftedness? Where does he fall on the gifted scale? I've discovered that there is truly a world of difference between the children on the first half of the gifted scale and those who are in the EG to PG range. (And even in those there is a huge difference.) When a five or six y/o child is reading on a high school level, and comprehending and processing on that level, they are simply different than those gifted children who are one or two grades ahead of their age. I see this with my own child. When others brag on their children, I don't know if I'm supposed to look surprised and say "Wow. that's excellent!" or "Oh, sorry to hear it" because mine is so outside of the norm. Which, I suppose, explains why he doesn't fit with his chronological age peer group... though I don't understand how they know before they even speak to him. :huh:

 

Does yours happen to be an only child? I ask because I'm not sure if our issues are soley PG issues or PG and "only child" issues. Ours is super sociable and loves all pepole, but children his age just do not feel comfortable around him for some reason.

 

Sorry for the verbosity, but I just had to reply to you and tell you that you aren't alone. :001_smile:

Edited April 10, 2010 by moi

[zaichiki]

Next time you go to the playground, watch how the children insert themselves into play. Kids almost never introduce themselves or ask permission to play. Odd reactions to kids who do these things may just be regular kid-culture reactions. They're not expecting to be approached in that way. It makes them feel like something's wrong.

 

Someone told me that once. They were right! I noticed that my ds, who seemed to have trouble joining in on play at the playground, was going about it all wrong! Dd, who never had trouble meeting new friends, did things differently. After a little coaching based on dd's approach, ds had remarkably more success.

 

So, anyway, how do most kids join in on the seesaw? Or begin sharing a truck in the sandbox? How and at what point do they learn each other's names? (The answer to that last one surprised me.) I think most kids pick this up through observation. Or maybe it's just intuition?

 

What do you all think?

[Guest moi]

Next time you go to the playground, watch how the children insert themselves into play. Kids almost never introduce themselves or ask permission to play. Odd reactions to kids who do these things may just be regular kid-culture reactions. They're not expecting to be approached in that way. It makes them feel like something's wrong.

 

 

Hmmm... I think you may be onto something. I'm going to try and work with him on this issue. What you said reminds me of something I've seen recently. He started playing soccer last month, but he is so hesitant to get into the mix because, I think, he feels that he's being rude for just jumping in there and kicking the ball. He will only try it if no one else is right there with him. We talked to him about it, telling him that it was okay to try and kick the ball when others were going after it, but he seems hesitant to do this.

 

Though, I'm not sure this answers the question of why he had this issue at 2-3 years of age. Maybe that was due to their ages.

 

Thanks for sharing this POV because I think it might have something to do with at least some of our problems.

[Granny_Weatherwax]

Simply put - we haven't.

[Granny_Weatherwax]

No luck here -

Even I don't hang out or seek out other homeschooling moms (other than on these boards!). I hang out with people who live far different lifestyles than my own' date=' so I guess I don't have any "peers" in my own life.

 

I know, I know...I'm weird.

 

K[/quote']

 

We should get together!:D