I humbly ask for advice about ds16 who is in ps...

[lisabees]

I have a 10th grader in public school who has never been homeschooled. He is a strong willed kid and always has been. He is in all honors classes and getting A's. He doesn't cause any trouble at home.

 

In the last several months, he has had an intense distaste for school and for adults because "they think they can control me. I'm an equal to them."

 

Umm...no you're not.

 

Today, I got a call from his bio teacher, because ds told her, in class, that she couldn't control him by making him sit quietly during study hall (he was talking to a kid).

 

I have NEVER heard anything negative through the years about this child. Usually, I hear he is perfect or "my favorite". I am shocked and embarrassed that my kid would disrespect a teacher like this.

 

Advice? Thoughts? Can I change his thinking? Can I make him not so bitter about the "power" adults have over him?

 

And, for the record, he is not bitter towards dh and me. We have a good relationship. We give him a lot of freedom for some things, but we're strict about other things. He does his chores and gets good grades and is good to his siblings. He has just always been an arrogant child, unlike my other three.

 

I don't know. I am sick to my stomach about this. It's one thing to be a typical teenager, hating school and all of its rules, but yet another to cross the line.

[Liz CA]

Behavior like this sounds like the first attempts at becoming a separate, independent adult - except he is coming at it from the wrong angle.

 

I think I would support the school in enforcing consequences, I would require that he apologizes to the biology teacher.

 

Perhaps he needs a challenging task put before him that will illustrate that he has a few things still to learn. I think very bright young people can become easily bored in the school system, especially if there is nothing else that stretches them a bit. Does he play demanding sports? Does he have a team spirit in other situations? Would he be willing to volunteer somewhere, i.e working with the handicapped, working in a homeless shelter or the Scouts?

[mooooom]

About where this sudden about face has come from? Maybe there was some kind of traumatizing incident has caused this, and discussing it could help. Obviously, he needs to apologize, but if he feels that people aren't respecting him (and they should be) it's going to be a hard sell. Often kids this age will act out to impress other kids. It'd be good to find out what is going on.

[duckens]

Has something happened to make him lose respect for one or more of his teachers? Is that situation making him contemptful of all teachers and of school in general?

 

Ask your son if this is a cause.....

 

Because if it is, you need to validate his feelings or challenge his thinking process (dependent upon the details of the situation). Then tell him that even IF he is equal or superior to others:

 

1) He needs to be respectful and polite of others and their learning environment (both teachers and the other students; he wasn't doing this by talking in study hall). Mature individuals are polite and respectful of others.

 

2) A certain amount of school is "hoop-jumping." He is SOOOO CLOSE to finishing high school; and trust me, college is a million times better than high school with the teachers and classes you have. Mature individuals can see the big picture.

[myfunnybunch]

:grouphug:

 

He may need to hear a few things from you:

 

Your honest reaction to his behavior.

 

That adulthood and equality do not equal doing whatever you want. Mature people know how and when to choose their battles. It is not reasonable to expect to be allowed to talk freely during a study period.

 

Respecting teachers and other adults does not have to come at the expense of his independence and control; rather, he is expected to exhibit self-control, which includes respecting the people around him.

 

He is old enough to experience the consequences of his actions. Whatever the school and/or teacher decide on as a consequence stands.

 

I found that when my teen daughter was struggling with independence issues, approaching it as a discussion rather than a lecture worked best. "What do you think about what happened?" and "Can you see this from the other person's perspective?" or "As a parent, here are my expectations of you. Do those sound reasonable?"

 

It sounds like he's coming to the age/stage at which you really can't change his thinking. But you can help him to see a way to change it himself.

 

:grouphug:

 

Cat

[dangermom]

1) He needs to be respectful and polite of others and their learning environment (both teachers and the other students; he wasn't doing this by talking in study hall). Mature individuals are polite and respectful of others.

 

2) A certain amount of school is "hoop-jumping." He is SOOOO CLOSE to finishing high school; and trust me, college is a million times better than high school with the teachers and classes you have. Mature individuals can see the big picture.

 

 

:iagree: This is how I would approach it.

[SonshineLearner]

Wow... and the fact that it was a woman.... what disrespect.... and that would or has the possibility of.. her feeling physically threatened. Is he getting "adult sized" work?? For one thing, it sounds like he needs to understand that teachers are like bosses... they may be wrong... but your approach to that is everything.

 

:-)

[ThatCyndiGirl]

I'd tell him that he needs to

 

PLAY THE GAME.

 

 

As a pp said, "jump through the hoops''. His desire for independance is age-appropriate. It's what he is DOING with that desire that is NOT.

 

If it were MY kid I would talk about how I felt the same way at that age and I had to suck it up and play the game until I could be done and do my own thing.

 

I doubt that she felt threatened b/c he is male. I wouldn't have "more of a problem with it because she is a woman". Respect is respect. Gender shouldn't enter into it.

[lisabees]

You all have no idea how much you helped me. Thank you for taking the time to write such thoughtful responses.

 

Dh was out of town, so I haven't had his input yet, other than he thinks ds is out of his mind and he's taking him away for the weekend to have a heart to heart. But, I had a discussion with ds. And I sent him an email, paraphrasing almost all of the points you all made. :lol: He is certainly not in a frame of mind to see my point of view yet. Of course, I told him that he must apologize and accept all consequences from the school and us.

 

So, the story begins. My teenager is rebelling. This is a kid who has asked to be homeschooled for years, because he wanted to be in charge of his own education. Dh insisted that he go to ps, so he could learn to play by the rules - ds was always a nonconformist and dh thought he would learn better through school's structure and discipline, rather than just doing what he wants to do.

 

Hmmm....

[MelanieM]

Your signature says you're a first-time homeschooler to your 13 yo, and your 16 yo has been acting up at school recently. Is it possible that he's acting up partly because of resentment that his sibling is getting something you say he's been asking for for years? Honestly, if I were asking to be homeschooled and my parents said no, then pulled one of my siblings and kept them home, I'd probably be a little out of sorts, too. (Assuming I'm understanding your situation correctly; please forgive me if not.)

[Heather in the Kootenays]

[quote=duckens;1538224..

 

. Then tell him that even IF he is equal or superior to others:

 

1) He needs to be respectful and polite of others and their learning environment Mature individuals are polite and respectful of others.

 

2) A certain amount of school is "hoop-jumping." Mature individuals can see the big picture.

 

:iagree: This is the tact we use - you always need to respectful and do what needs to be done. It's not about equality - it's about why he's there and who has been put in charge of that particular situation.