I need help with my 9 yo dd....

[Julpost]

There's a community sing along for third graders tonight. My dd was very, very excited about going. However we're not going to be able to attend because it's late (7pm) and my 3 yo and 1 yo are usually asleep by then. My dh will be at a basketball game with our 11 yo ds.

 

So when dd's friend went home today, I broke the news that I didn't think we'd be able to go. I had warned her this might happen yesterday. She threw an absolute fit, yelling, screaming, crying, she charged off down the hall yelling, I called her back, she kicked a doll chair down the hallway. Her brother offered to either take her to the game or bring her a treat back and I told him she couldn't do either because of her attitude and actions. She just flipped out, saying she'd rather die than not go to this sing along, it's a once in a lifetime chance, yada, yada, yada....

 

I left the room for a minute and she yelled at her sister, which sent her sister out of the room in tears. I called her back and made dd apologize and told her she was extremely close to losing all playdates for a good long time if she didn't get this tantrum of hers under control.

 

Then I left for my own time out and here I am!

 

So....man, this isn't good...I mean she's 9 years old!! Is it hormones or what am I doing wrong here?! I told her I did understand how she felt, that I've missed many things, she didn't believe me, just kept going on and on and on and on about how she couldn't believe this. Nobody understands, it's so unfair, it's so unfair, it's so unfair.

 

She also woke up the baby so I better run since he's crying now too.

 

Help!!

[Snickerdoodle]

Was there any way that she could have gone under the supervision of a friend's parent?

 

Perhaps the younger children could have an exception to their bedtime now and then to accommodate their older sibling's schedules.

 

Parenting is hard isn't it?

[Melinda in VT]

I have one who is prone to emotional outbursts and doesn't handle disappointment well. I've found that the more I engage her, the longer she dwells on the disappointment.

 

Later, after she has calmed down, I try to put things in perspective. "You know how you were stomping around yesterday saying we never take you anywhere? Can you think of some places we've been this year that enjoyed? Yes, that's right. France and Disney World. So when you say things like that, it's not being very grateful and it makes us not want to take you on any more trips. How could you express your frustration in a better way?"

 

And so on.

 

But in the moment, it's usually just best to send her to her room and wait until the storm dies down.

 

Good luck.

[Whisperlily]

My poor youngest 2... they had late bedtimes *all the time* because the older kids had events, etc. They did just fine. :)

 

The issue now isn't really whether she should have been able to go... But how to handle her response to your parental decision, right?

 

9 is a moody age for girls. Maybe you can talk to her calmly about her actions and what an appropriate punishment will be once she calms down.

 

I often don't administer consequences DURING a meltdown. I will tell them that we'll talk once they've had a chance to cool down. Afterward, then discuss what/why/how the situation should be remedied.

 

If you had been in a position where you might have changed your mind... you should tell her that. I'll tell my kids when their actions prevented me from having the freedom to make a different choice. If I've seen their *original argument* had some merit, I'll tell them. "You were right, and I know this was important to you. I was about ready to change my mind and find a way to make it work. Unfortunately your actions and reactions to my answer make it impossible for me to allow you to go at this point. I'm really sorry you're going to miss it, because I know you really wanted to go."

 

Depending on the child, that alone may be enough.

 

Mine usually already are horrified with their own behavior and are in tears of remorse at the brokenness of our relationship... and apologies for their disrespect come naturally instead of being required. Normally they offer forth some sort of retribution (I'll help you with the baby tonight... or How can I help you, how can I make this right?)

 

Other children may require additional punishment... only you know your child and what works with her.

[Suzanne in ABQ]

Yup, hormones. My dd had several fits at that age -- blowing things WAY out of proportion, running away, weeping and wailing at the top of her voice, leaving the rest of us just looking at each other and shaking our heads (saying, "Whew! What was that about?") She is 11 now, and she's gotten much more under control. I think she actually scared herself a couple times with her own reactions. We had several talks about the changes happening in her body, and what to expect, and how the different hormones affected her thinking and emotions. As she understood what was happening, she was more able to control herself. Also, I think the hormones just leveled off. She still has "blue" days, when she's extra sensitive, but she hasn't totally flipped out in a long time.

 

I remember one time, when she was just turning 9. We had just built our house, and installed some concrete around the house, including a pad for our swamp cooler. The kids, of course, had made handprints in the wet concrete. Well, the plumber came and installed the cooler. As it happened, one of the legs of the cooler ended up sitting right on top of dd's handprint. When she saw it, she became completely unglued, started wailing and crying, and ran down into the back yard. She was over a hundred yards away (big yard), but we could hear her wailing for what seemed like forever! The poor plumber! :o) He felt really bad that there wasn't any way to move the cooler to expose the print.

 

Anyway, I like the book The Care and Keeping of You, published by the American Girl people. (http://www.amazon.com/Care-Keeping-You-American-Library/dp/1562476661/ref=pd_bbs_sr_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1206481182&sr=8-1)

It's very straight forward, and explains to the girl reader what is happening with her body and her emotions, and what to expect as she goes through puberty. It is written in a topical format, with one page or two page spreads on the various topics. I thought it was very tastefully written and illustrated, and it was helpful to my daughter, and my niece.

 

Hang in there, Mom. It will get better. In the meantime, find a secluded spot where you can send your dear daughter to have her noisy outbursts. Just tell her she's being too loud and she needs to go in (her room, the bathroom, the backyard, the garage, wherever) until she is finished crying. Once she's calm, THEN you can have her do what she needs to do to restore her relationships with siblings and yourself. You don't need to reward her behavior by giving in, but let her know you understand that things are difficult for her right now. Explain the hormone thing, and how they cause mood swings, and over-reactions. Also, tell her that those swings and reactions will level off -- they're not permanent. It might scare her to think she's going to be like this forever. :o)

 

Hope this helps,

Suzanne

[Melinda in VT]

I should add that if my daughter damages something or is hurtful to someone, we talk about consequences once she has calmed down. But if all she is doing is ranting and raving about how miserable her life is, I don't punish her for that.

[Joanne]

She threw an absolute fit, yelling, screaming, crying, she charged off down the hall yelling, I called her back, she kicked a doll chair down the hallway. Her brother offered to either take her to the game or bring her a treat back and I told him she couldn't do either because of her attitude and actions. She just flipped out, saying she'd rather die than not go to this sing along, it's a once in a lifetime chance, yada, yada, yada....

 

I completely agree with a later calm processing of emotion.

 

However, in my home, no one is allowed to hold others emotionally hostage or make them feel the way they feel. That, and being able to gracefully accept disappointment is tied to doing fun things the next time. The more outrageous you behave, the less chances you get in the short term to enjoy an event.

 

This principle is also true of screen time, "junk" food, etc. If you can't accept my limit or extenuating circumstances well, you don't get the privilege.

 

And hormones? Yes, they drive the propensity to over emote.

 

Here, happy is not the only acceptable emotion. But expressing emotions will have limits. You can feel however you feel; you may not behave disrespectfully in those feelings. Not without consequences.

[gardenschooler]

I'd send her to her room for the rest of the night, and talk to her about it tomorrow.

 

Even after she calms down, staying in her room for the rest of the night will give her some more time to completely calm down and maybe even think about it, plus it would give her a 'time out' without having you having to go on about it.

 

I wouldn't act like it was the end of the world, just calmly state she'll be spending the rest of her evening alone and being quiet. I'd bring her dinner, let her read books, but let her know that she needs some quiet time to reflect. I might even let her take a bath, but then let her go right back in her room.

 

I would probably go in and spend some time with her before bedtime, but not try to get into a real discussion about it until tomorrow. Give her the time to see her own behavior, before you start talking about it.

 

Unfortunately, this is all to be expected! Hang in there.

 

(Edited to add: In the future, I'd be very clear about any outing that she might not be able to attend. If she doesn't get it worked up in her head as such a big deal, she'll be less likely to explode at the disappointment of not going. I would actually keep things a 'No' if they're a 'Maybe'. Some kids don't deal well with 'Maybe'.)

[chiguirre]

Hmm, just putting myself in your dd's shoes, but I'd be very annoyed too. Her brother gets to go to basketball with dad, but she doesn't get to go to her event. That really isn't fair in a 9 yo's book. She feels that her priorities are not receiving due attention. Depending on how many regularly scheduled activities she has compared with her brother, she may be right. If she is right, I'd work to make sure each kid gets their fair share of extracurriculars, even if I had to postpone bedtime. If she does have an equal share of outside activities, I'd point that out (probably with a calendar as visual aid) and choose an appropriate consequence for her tantrum. You'll have to address the tantrum whether or not dd was right about the fairness of extracurriculars, so the sing along is out, but it colors how severe I'd make the consequence.

[mooooom]

I would have found a way to let her go. Before any of this happened, because girls that age are sooo social, she's not in school all day with other kids (I'm assuming) and you knew ahead of time that she REALLY wanted to go. This is an aside, because it is irrelevant at this point, but I spend an awful lot of time taking my teens/preteens places so that they can be social, when I would rather be at home/in bed, etc.

 

That said, I would have a conversation with her, tomorrow, about hormones and it being okay to be really sad, but not hurting other people, wrecking/trying to wreck stuff, etc. And then be very aware that she has (at the moment) the potential to act this way, and do NOT set her up for failure again. And what I mean is, if you know this is going to happen again, get her to her room, keep the other kids out of the way, hand her a chocolate bar, have another coming up soon activity for her to look forward to, whatever it takes.

 

If she is normally a great kid, don't expect her to be resonable right now. Poor thing!