Courting, Dating, and Relationships

[Ginevra]

That's really wonderful and profound, ereks mom!

[Nakia]

Ever since they were very young, we encouraged our dc to consider courtship instead of serial dating. Our idea of courtship was something of an amalgamation of the chaperoned dating/group dating model that Holly IN discussed in one of her posts in this thread. It worked really well in theory, but in practice, not so well.

 

ER chose not to date during his high school years. (This in spite of the fact that there were several young ladies who wanted very badly to date him!) Now he is in college (a junior) and has met a young lady there, and they have fallen in love and are making plans to get married sometime after they graduate from college. The courtship idea we held to earlier would not work well in a college setting, although they do often go out with a group of people rather than just the two of them. HOWEVER, a few months after they became interested in each other, and while MANY of their friends were pestering them to declare their intentions and "become Facebook official" (list themselves as "in a relationship" on Facebook) because in their circle this signifies that the relationship is serious ;)), ER & his sweetheart got together and posted this note to their friends on their Facebook pages:

 

So you've noticed that I hang out with ____ a lot. Since we are both asked about our "relationship status" around 134 times a day, we figured it would be efficient to explain "us" to y'all on facebook (since that's how things become official anyway).

 

The world has a pretty screwed up view of what a "relationship" should look like. Just because two people "like" each other doesn't mean that they have to "date." We're trying to build a foundation of love and care before letting emotion and attraction come into play.

 

You've all read 1 Corinthians 13:4-7...now go read it again. Love is an action. That's what the world is missing. It's a choice, a commitment-- not a feeling or an emotion that comes and goes. Love is not physical pleasure or an emotional high. It is based on the intersection of God's will in both our lives.

 

We don't want you to see us as an "item." Even the idea of a "Christian item" seems like it misses the point. But if that analogy works in your brain, we are an "item" on lay-a-way.

 

Romans 12:2 -- "Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind."

 

Matthew 7:13-14 -- "Enter through the narrow gate. For wide is the gate and broad is the road that leads to destruction, and many enter through it. But small is the gate and narrow the road that leads to life, and only a few find it."

 

WOW!! You have raised an AMAZING young man!!!!!

[Holly IN]

, ER & his sweetheart got together and posted this note to their friends on their Facebook pages:

 

So you've noticed that I hang out with ____ a lot. Since we are both asked about our "relationship status" around 134 times a day, we figured it would be efficient to explain "us" to y'all on facebook (since that's how things become official anyway).

 

The world has a pretty screwed up view of what a "relationship" should look like. Just because two people "like" each other doesn't mean that they have to "date." We're trying to build a foundation of love and care before letting emotion and attraction come into play.

 

You've all read 1 Corinthians 13:4-7...now go read it again. Love is an action. That's what the world is missing. It's a choice, a commitment-- not a feeling or an emotion that comes and goes. Love is not physical pleasure or an emotional high. It is based on the intersection of God's will in both our lives.

 

We don't want you to see us as an "item." Even the idea of a "Christian item" seems like it misses the point. But if that analogy works in your brain, we are an "item" on lay-a-way.

 

Romans 12:2 -- "Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind."

 

Matthew 7:13-14 -- "Enter through the narrow gate. For wide is the gate and broad is the road that leads to destruction, and many enter through it. But small is the gate and narrow the road that leads to life, and only a few find it."

 

THANK YOU!!!!! My ds and his friend who are considered an item by lots of people feel this way. They are trying to build a foundation of friendship first before getting serious. Right now they are BEST FRIENDS who care and love each other in a friendship way. They see each other as their future mate but know that only God will determine if they will be one for each other. So both of them get really frustrated over being pressured to declare themselves an item. They feel that friendship needs to be the 1st layer of foundation in a relationship. They are really young but very mature about this situation. She is 16 and he is 15. I have never seen such a mature kids in my life dealing with the situation they are in now. Her parents and us are really keeping tabs on them but we do trust them though. They both know a good marriage comes from a strong friendship and do not want infatuation to get ruin it. So they are taking their time right now as they are young and in high school.

 

Anyway thank you for posting this. I will have my son look at it.

 

Holly

[TravelingChris]

We don't hold with courting and never did though it was very popular in the early homeschooling days. Our reasoning was that it was not pratical with our life. My dh is military and we move around. We expect our children to go to college away from where we live since we don't live anywhere for 4.5 years. We expect that they would get a girlfriend or boyfriend in college respectively or a few. We have some expectations like no sex before marrriage and marrying another Christian but like others have stated, it is our expectation but once they are adults, we can only advise. My oldest had a gf who came from a stricter, in ways, family. I think he felt pressured to get married when she was getting ready to graduate (a year ahead of him). He wasn't ready and broke off.

 

My general rules are no dating before 16. This was a safety thing for our kids. If someone asked them earlier, they had an out. My kids are like us. Neither dh nor I dated until we were 16 or older and that was solely a one or two time thing. WE met in my second year or college and his first. I was his first real gf and he was my fourth bf but the only one I had for more than a few weeks. My goal for them is to be done with college before marriage. FOr my ds, that is this year but he doesn't even have a gf now and is planning on going to grad school. DD who is 16 hasn't gone on any dates and isn't pining away for anyone either. DD13 isn't interested in boys yet.

[Laurie4b]

I'll my children to seek out relationship with people who treat them with respect and with whom they share a physical and mental attraction. I'll make sure they know how to spot warning signs of abusive or controlling individuals and that they know I'll always be here if they need help. I'll put limitations on their dating when they're younger, a gradual expanding of freedoms and relaxing of boundaries as they get older, and we'll continue to have safe (physically) and responsible (physically and emotionally) sex talks.

 

I don't expect my children to only ever have emotional or physical intimacy with one person in their lives (though goodness, I do hope they'll keep it to one person at a TIME). If that's what they end up choosing, that's fine, but it's not what I would expect nor recommend.

 

RE: Courting. That's not something in which I'm willing to be involved.

 

What are you teaching them specifically about warning signs of abuse or control?

[justamouse]

I'll my children to seek out relationship with people who treat them with respect and with whom they share a physical and mental attraction. I'll make sure they know how to spot warning signs of abusive or controlling individuals and that they know I'll always be here if they need help. I'll put limitations on their dating when they're younger, a gradual expanding of freedoms and relaxing of boundaries as they get older, and we'll continue to have safe (physically) and responsible (physically and emotionally) sex talks.

 

I don't expect my children to only ever have emotional or physical intimacy with one person in their lives (though goodness, I do hope they'll keep it to one person at a TIME). If that's what they end up choosing, that's fine, but it's not what I would expect nor recommend.

 

RE: Courting. That's not something in which I'm willing to be involved.

 

 

Also, I don't think the concept of "emotional baggage from other relationships" holds much water. I had a serious relationship before I met my husband and my husband had two that he may have married if events had unfolded differently. My previous relationship informs zero of my marriage. As far as I know, his previous relationships inform zero of our marriage.

 

 

 

what they said.

 

I have a 15 YO that looks like she's 25 and acts just as old. I'll be hard pressed to get her to date within her age group-she thinks they're idiots.

[Parrothead]

What are you teaching them specifically about warning signs of abuse or control?

This site may be what you are looking for. There is a section for education.

[Impish]

Her first "real" boyfriend was 18 (I expected this as there aren't many 16 yo men in college).

 

Of course' date=' we talked to dd about everything, but for kids I think actions speak louder than words. My dh took dd out one evening and not only did they talk about dating, but he showed her by example how a gentleman behaves (e.g. opening doors for a lady, seating her at the restaurant, etc.). He told her any man who doesn't treat her like a lady doesn't get a second date.

 

I also told her to observe how the young man's father treats his mother. Behavior is learned through example and the father's behavior towards women is a big clue how she could expect to be treated in a longer relationship with the young man.

 

Here's something I printed out for dd as a joke. She in turn, also jokingly, gave it to her boyfriend. Daddy's Rules for Dating (both the rules and the "application").

I think that's wonderful for your dh to do with your dd.

 

Diva and I talk about dating, s*x, relationships...a lot. Its everywhere we turn. So, we talk.

 

She knows darn well that I had s*x before marriage...after all, I had her and her older sib before marrying my dh!

 

That being said, she has been told no premarital s*x. And we discussed WHY. Any time you have s*x, you have the chance of becoming pregnant, getting an STD, etc. Its not worth the risk. She agrees...but she is only 11 ;) It will be an ongoing discussion, obviously.

 

A guy whose worthy of her, will wait for her. Period. Any guy that pressures her is out the door.