How do you socialize your children?

[JudoMom]

My boys are shy/quiet when talking with adults new/unfamiliar/not close friends. When they are addressed by adults, they often stare at them blankly and/or mumble an answer.

 

Part of this is my fault, because I often answered for them when out and about with all of them (until the last year or two). It was survival--I was trying to get in and out of wherever we were going without causing any damage or losing anyone. I try not to answer anymore, but we don't go out to new places together often (we go to Judo and piano, and they are fine there because they know the adults).

 

This morning my dh had the older 3 at an event at church, and he told me the boys had trouble going through the food line and answering the other fathers when they tried talking with them. He's ready to send my oldest to school (he says for a semester, but it could be for longer). I know the behavior my dh is talking about, and it is frustrating.

 

We've talked with the boys about this a lot and we've roll played. I no longer answer for them. But, how do we practice this in real life? Where can we go to have them practice these skills?

 

I need to come up with a concrete plan to work on this so my oldest doesn't end up in school this fall. It's not where I want him and it's not where ds10 wants to be. The school is good, with a classical focus, but the days are very long (and it only starts at 6th grade, so thats why just my oldest would go this fall).

 

Help me, please.

[Karen in CO]

I've always encouraged my girls to speak for themselves - they even order their own food at restaurants starting as soon as they can talk. It takes longer, but it is good for them - then again there are only two at home. When my ds was at home, he had his teen friends over often so the girls also go a lot of opportunities to speak to near-adults. The oldest is also in a one-day-a-week enrichment school so she gets to have p.e. and recess, art, music and science with other kids and interact with the teachers that are not me. We used to be in a small co-op, but I wanted her to have a wider selection of kids to spend time with, and it has been great for her. I've enrolled the younger for K in the same school. (they are having a choice open-house at the end of the month).

 

Some things to try - talking to the librarian to ask for book help, order for themselves at McD's or a cocoa at Starbucks or something, maybe having an older teen or friends come over for dinners so that the kids get experience talking to others, have them tell stories to each other (retelling fables is great), maybe find a drama class of some sort or a children's choir. That's all I can think of right now.

 

eta - oh how about scouts?

 

hth.

Edited January 24, 2010 by Karen in CO

[Jami]

I encourage mine to answer for themselves, too. Order in restaurants and such.

 

Honestly? I think moving has been the best thing for teaching our kids how to speak to people they don't know. Not that you should move, but we've had to meet so many new people with moving twice in the past 3.5 years and visiting various churches and such. Dh and I introduce ourselves and then have them introduce themselves and shake hands.

 

My eldest is very outgoing. A stranger is just a friend he hasn't met yet. ;) It's in his genes from my father and grandfather I think. So in part, his younger sisters have just followed his lead.

 

Can you have some people over for dinner, maybe a younger or older couple or singles? Someone without children so there aren't other small people to talk to, just adults to visit with. :)

[Jayne J]

Something that I have been doing with my ds, who is similar in that he is tongue tied around new people, is to have him order his own food when we eat out, make the calls to order pizza, get movie times or other information, etc. Any possible opportunity to speak with someone new. I even ask him to call and ask for information for me--ie, is that library book due, what time does the store open, etc. Every little bit helps.

[LauraGB]

Well, I don't have that problem - my kids will talk the ear off anyone, anywhere (which isn't always a good thing, btw). But, seeing the ages of your dc, I would think the older 3 can be left to fend for themselves in small amts of time. How about 4H or Scouts? Possibly some classes offered by your municipality like lego club or drama or a drawing class? Maybe some 30 min classes at the YMCA - that way, you can still be there, but RIGHT there. Possibly a book club or chess club - our local Barnes and Noble offers these things, maybe yours does, too (and then you would have the security of being able to stay in the building as well).

[lllll]

Two of our dd's were like this, so I began looking for opportunities for them to learn to "speak up", as I call it. A great place for us was a cafeteria-style restaurant we used to go to. Picadilly down South; K&W where we are now.

 

These restaurant lines are crowded and noisy, with workers yelling and moving constantly, and dishes rattling, and doors opening and closing, etc. I would position myself beside the most quiet dc and gently remind her to "speak up", even if it feels like you're yelling, so the server can hear you. If she told them what she wanted, and I could see the server didn't hear her, I would quietly tell dd that and to say it louder.

 

Because the line moves quickly, there was no time for them to 'think'. They just had to speak - right then. Until they got the hang of it, I let them try 2 times before I would tell the server what they had said. Mostly out of consideration for the other customers - didn't want to hold up the line too long. This has worked well. Now when I tell them to speak up, they know exactly what I mean, no matter where we are. I even have to do this, sometimes, at home. Dd's will say something to dh and he won't hear them. I tell them 'I don't think he heard you' and they repeat it with more umph. It just takes a little coaching.

 

Your boys are so young though. They seem too young to be worried about something like that to the point that he's ready to put them in a brick-and-mortar school. They've just begun to be aware of things like this, haven't they? :confused:

Edited January 24, 2010 by ksva

[MaMa2005]

Our grocery stores give free cookies to children.:tongue_smilie: It is a wonderful place for the children to have to speak for themselves. DS learned at age 2 that if he wanted a cookie, he had to go to the bakery and ask for it himself AND use his manners (yes, we live in the Deep South). No initiative on his part/lack of manners = no cookie. To this day, the bakery ladies always engage him in conversation about something BEFORE he gets the cookie. Great for language skills. We also emphasize looking at someone in the eyes while speaking. Sometimes DS still needs a little reminder, but for the most part, does quite well.

[....]

Honestly, I don't think putting them in school is going to change that - my kids were doing that when they were in public school (for 2 years).

 

I think it's a personality thing. I have 2 kids (the ps kids) who stare at everybody when a conversation begins...and then another kid - OH, Dear - the cell phone plan I will have to buy her...unlimited minutes, anytime...anywhere...

[hsmom]

Now my youngest will talk anyones ear off! He has always been home, he goes with me everywhere and I allow him to answer for himself. I live in a small town so going to the grocery store is a big social event for him. He know all the people and if he doesn't well he will.lol

 

My oldest son and daughter have been in ps most of their school carriers. Well they seem to have more problems talking to and relating to an adult. They tend to mumble answers and such. It takes a lot to get them to speak up and ask something. So, I don't know if it has been being around kids their age and not too many adult that has made them like that, but it is very frustrating. I tell them that it is rude to not answer, shrug shoulders, or mumble to people when they ask you a question. Yet they still do it. So, I make them reanswer the question in an appropriate voice and tone.

 

Sorry so long, I just wanted to point out that school is not always the answer. Sometimes as in my childrens case it makes it worse.

[LG Gone Wild]

I don't have this problem but I have an idea if you are interested.

 

I send my eldest (same age as your boy) out to do tasks. There are certain bills that I have to pay in person and so I send him in the office to drop off the check while I wait in the car with the younger two. I did this out of necessity and I wasn't nice about it. Sure he was nervous but I just bullied him into it. I mean, he has to pull his weight and this is part of it. I usually question him (interrogate, really) about how it went and what to do next time.

 

Of course, I showed him where to go the first couple of times and now it is second nature. Perhaps there are similar opportunities in your life. I would start by making him check out his own books at the library, paying for a small item at the grocery store, ask a store staff member where something is and so forth.

 

I will say that my son does, at times, have an annoying habit of not answering when an adult addresses him. We are working on that.

[kpupg]

I feel your pain. :grouphug:

 

My ds14 will still go hungry rather than walk into a fast food place and order himself a sandwich. When dh or I am with him, he'll place an order, but he'll mumble it. He has gotten the wrong food a couple of times due to that -- I look on it as a learning opportunity.

 

This same child can talk up a storm with strangers in the "right" milieu. He is a fencer, and he can go to tournaments and meet other fencers and coaches -- both students and adults -- and chat and be personable and have to be dragged away at the end of the day.

 

I don't get it and ds can't explain it.

 

Karen

[Charles Wallace]

My boys are shy/quiet when talking with adults new/unfamiliar/not close friends. When they are addressed by adults, they often stare at them blankly and/or mumble an answer.

 

Part of this is my fault, because I often answered for them when out and about with all of them (until the last year or two). It was survival--I was trying to get in and out of wherever we were going without causing any damage or losing anyone. I try not to answer anymore, but we don't go out to new places together often (we go to Judo and piano, and they are fine there because they know the adults).

 

This morning my dh had the older 3 at an event at church, and he told me the boys had trouble going through the food line and answering the other fathers when they tried talking with them. He's ready to send my oldest to school (he says for a semester, but it could be for longer). I know the behavior my dh is talking about, and it is frustrating.

 

We've talked with the boys about this a lot and we've roll played. I no longer answer for them. But, how do we practice this in real life? Where can we go to have them practice these skills?

 

I need to come up with a concrete plan to work on this so my oldest doesn't end up in school this fall. It's not where I want him and it's not where ds10 wants to be. The school is good, with a classical focus, but the days are very long (and it only starts at 6th grade, so thats why just my oldest would go this fall).

 

Help me, please.

 

If it helps, I would try to do this, one boy at a time. Trying to negotiate with all your kids at once can sometimes be like herding cats!

 

I'd go to the mall and give him leave (and cash) to ask for and buy some relatively-inexpensive item he might want. The conditions would be these: he would have to ask a salesperson to help him locate the item, stand in line, pay for it, et cetera.

 

Option 2: Have your child go to the public library and interact with the librarian to find books on at least two different subjects.

 

Option 3: Have your son go to the grocery store to find a hard-to-find item (e.g., WD40 or paraffin -- something that's not on an endcap) and ask the clerk, pay for it, et cetera.

 

I hope that helps. We've gone through some of the same issues here too.

[Jeannie in NJ]

my dd is now 14 but she was like that when she was younger. Used to drive me crazy that she would not answer adutls, it seemed so rude. This is what I did. There is a family in our church that dd had known since she was about 4. They homeschool, 8 kids, mom and dad, 3 grand parents and a great grandmother. Dd was best friends with one of the girls so we were often at that house.. When dd was about 11, with the agreement of the other mom, I started leaving dd at their house for the day. They were all very softspoken but included dd in all their activities and without me there to answer for her, she had to start speaking up and then slowly she started talking to adults in other situations. Adults just love her now, she can have a real conversation with them. But it did take a long time for her to get to that point.

 

Oh, I also started having her pay for items in stores and . I found that she was much more at ease with soft spoken adults than loud adults, still is.

[WiseOwlKnits]

Look into speech classes in your area. There might be one that your kids could take. Also, what about Boy Scouts?

 

My DD takes ballet and part of their warm-up is that they have to stand up in front of their class and answer an easy question each week to practice their public speaking skills. My DD is also in Girl Scouts and we're doing cookie sales right now in our area. We went from door-to-door yesterday for almost an hour selling cookies. She was NERVOUS when she started, but she did a wonderful job introducing herself to a LOT of strangers and she sold all of her cookies. (And now I can see how the GS cookie thing isn't JUST a big money raising thing for the national council and how a girl can benefit from participating, but that's another story.)

 

I know the Boy Scouts sell things too so that might be something to look into to get him talking to other people.