Older Teens and Expectations

[Mom0012]

What are your expectations for your older teens? My stepddaughter is 19 and has her own car now and is attending community college. Up until now, she has always lived with us during the week and then spent most weekends with her mom. Her chores have consisted of doing the dinner dishes, vacuuming once a week, and doing her own laundry.

 

Now that she has her own car, she comes and goes as she pleases and I never know what to expect from day-to-day. She may be with us every day of the week or she may suddenly take off in the middle of the week to spend a few days at her mother's. She will often leave without completing her chores, or she'll just take off and I will be thinking she's coming home and then find out she's not.

 

I am a planner and I'm finding this rather annoying. The other night, I had run my younger kids all over the place for different things and my daughter had a girl scout event in the evening. I told my son he would be able to stay home because my stepddaughter would be there. I waited and waited for her and then found out she wasn't coming home. The day before Thanksgiving, she left while I was in the shower to go and spend the day at her grandmother's. My husband was working in the basement and she didn't tell him she was leaving either. She then decided that she would spend Thanksgiving with her grandparents instead of with us even though I was having her grandparents over the following day. I feel like I am constantly being "surprised" and I do not like it.

 

So, do I still require her to do her chores at this age and is it reasonable for me to set specific days for her to be at our house and at her mother's? I am willing to be very flexible, but I would like to know at the beginning of each week where she plans to be each day, rather than finding out on a daily basis. What about the dinner dishes? It feels odd to ask her to wash the dinner dishes when she didn't eat with us, but then again, I feel like I do not ask her to do too much and this is very helpful to me. Both my younger children help around the house as well.

 

I suspect that this will continue for at least the next 5 years and I want to get a handle on how I should be dealing with these changes so I can adjust to it.

 

Lisa

[Mad Jenny Flint]

to discuss what the expectations will be on both ends. It is not fair to you to have disruptions in each and every day based upon the whims of this one family member. I wouldn't tolerate it even from my husband! There needs to be some communication. And, yes it is fair for you to expect her to uphold certain obligations, and you should all discuss what reasonable expectations would be in terms of her obligations/chores around your home.

 

Dinner dishes might not be the best thing for her to do if her schedule is unpredictable... something (or a few things) she can get done once weekly might work better in the long run.

 

Your house. Your rules.

[hsmamainva]

I think it's reasonable to have a rough idea of her schedule ahead of time. It's the polite thing for her to do.

 

My oldest is 18 and also at the community college full-time with her own car. We've had similar issues with her. She'll decide, on any given day, that she's going out with her friends after her classes are over. We ask her to head home, from wherever she is, at midnight. There have been times, however, when she ends up staying at a girlfriend's house instead of driving home and there's nothing worse than waking up in the morning and seeing that her car isn't in the driveway and she didn't come home the night before! (We bought new cellphones a few months ago with texting capabilities and she now will send a text.."Raining really bad out - crashing at Amanda's - will be home by 10am", etc....so I know where she is. Before we got the text phones, she felt bad calling at 11 o'clock or midnight and waking us up. The text message beep is much less intrusive!)

 

I also try and keep my daughter informed of OUR schedule. Our youngest is autistic and there are times when I need my oldest at home to help out with her, or to watch her if we need to run an errand. So I'll tell her in advance, "I need you home on Thursday afternoon this week", for instance.

 

As for responsibilities, she takes care of her own room, her own laundry, feeding of the cat, cleaning all the bathrooms, and babysitting. She's also responsible for mowing the grass during the summer.

[ConnieB]

I would expect her to tell me her plans. I don't think I'd require details, she is after all an "adult". But....will you be home tonight is not unreasonable to expect from ANYONE living in your household....I expect it from my DH as in "will you be home on time, late or see ya tomorrow?". Though honestly I seldom have to ask him, he tells me as best he knows as he leaves each morning...and calls me when things change at work. It's a matter of respect and courtesy. As simple as whether or not to cook for her, hold dinner for her slightly late arrival, keep something for her to warm up later. Not to mention the natural worry about whether she's been abducted, in a crash, or whatever else my motherly imagination can foster. Remind her that when you and the others aren't home when she expects that she may worry about you as well.....or at least wonder where dinner is, lol.

 

Since her plans may evolve while she's away from home cells phones are likely the best means to communicate to you what her plans are.....my DH communicates that way....but we leave a message on our white board/calendar/menu planner if we may be later than DH (so we don't call him constantly with our changing errands, lol). THat way if he arrives home to an empty house he knows to check the board to see our plans.

 

As for chores....well, if she's not home to eat supper then I guess someone else should be doing that chore. Her own laundry doesn't really matter if she's here today or not....unless she's of the habit of leaving her wet clothes still in the washer...in which case I'd remind her to plan ahead and not start what she won't be home to finish. If it happened repeatedly I'd probably dump them in a laundry basket and place it on her bed, lol....nothing like damp clothes and bedsheets to remind a person. Or throw in the dryer and then in a basket without hanging up....having to iron everything would remind her! The vacuuming I'd expect her to plan as well.....she should vacuum before she leaves if she's not positive she'll be home by the day it is supposed to be done....doing it early isn't a bad thing, but expecting others to live in a messy house waiting for her to do her share is disrespectful. If those are the only chores that a 19 year old is required to do, then she hopefully realizes just how lucky she is! My teen is only 13 and she does much much more.

[Mom0012]

Thank you for making me feel as though I'm not being totally unreasonable in this. She is a good kid, so I think my husband and I just need to set some new rules for this new period in our lives.

 

Great point about letting her know our schedule! I have become so used to knowing when she would be here that I have never really had to do that before. I was just thinking that I want to decorate the Christmas tree next Tuesday and I would like her to be here, so I need to let her know that. Duh! Since she doesn't have classes that day and she is usually with us during the week, I would normally just assume she'd be here, but I'm seeing I need to be more proactive now that she's driving and no longer has a regular schedule.

 

Lisa

[PiCO]

I think a 19-yo should have some flexibility to be able to visit grandma, go to mom's a few days, etc.

 

However, she does need to have responsibilities at your house, and she needs to communicate better. I think a meeting is in order, because the current arrangement is not working for anyone. I think it would be good for her responsibilities to include some babysitting and some general housekeeping chores.

 

Find out her needs and wants, and tell her yours. Compromise, and write down what everyone expects. It's a good thing for her to learn now- when you live with other people, you need to communicate with them and do your share of the work.

[Kathleen in VA]

Just wanted to chime in and say that when my two oldest got cars and mobility we went through a similar time of transition. No one really knew what to expect or what was expected. We had some frustrating moments to say the least. We did end up having to sit down and discuss it. We just told them that we appreciated the fact that they were growing up and becoming adults, but that for the sake or order and common courtesy, we needed to have a rough idea of where they would be on any given day. It made meal planning and really, all planning, much easier. They still slip up and forget to call from time to time, but they realize that we aren't trying to micro-manage their lives; just trying to keep some semblance of order and rhythm to our lives. We went through a similar bump again when ds23 got engaged. He started spending most of his free time with his fiance and that's fine - we adore her - but he'd forget to let us know his plans and we had to restate the whole need for communication and courtesy once again (and again, lol).

[ConnieB]

Great point about letting her know our schedule! I have become so used to knowing when she would be here that I have never really had to do that before.

 

 

 

Keep that thought in mind when you talk with her....it's very possible that she didn't really give any thought to letting you know her schedule is the same way.....in other words, it wasn't some defiant "I'm an adult now" way, but a "hey, I think I'll go do this right now" feeling of freedom.

 

I would also make it clear to her that you do not want to micromanage her life, or even need to know the details of where/why.......(though I'd also admit that I will likely slip up on that out of force of habit!!) but that it's about making the household run smoother. Imagine if your DH didn't bother to call to tell you he was going to be late from work, or stopping at the fishing store on the way home, blah blah....lots of examples where everyone just needs to let others know their schedule.

 

We have a white board with a calendar on it.....that's where we put things we know ahead of time we're planning.....in your case, having the CHristmas Tree decorating on the calendar for Tuesday means that she's aware of it and if she wants to join in should make arrangements to be home. She could certainly put things on the calendar too like "Susie gone tonight" or "Susie home after dinner" etc.

 

Since your original note didn't seem to indicate any rancor about the schedules, just frustration or confusion, hopefully she'll see that you're trying to give her the space she deserves/needs but still care enough to worry about her.

[Sputterduck]

She's 19. She should be able to come and go. It would be polite for her to let you know. It's a bit ridiculous to ask her to plan her week out ahead of time on your account. She's a young woman who's family lives on multiple places. Just let her be, but also let her know that it's polite to let you know if she isn't coming home or she is going out.

 

Living with her is kind of like having a roommate at this point. I would never ask my roommate to let me know a week ahead of time where he will be! He would never go for it anyway. We are both adults living in the same home, just as you and your stepdaughter are. I can come and go as I please and so can he. He even watches my son sometimes, but I ask first or he offers. If you want your stepdaughter to watch your child, then you need to ask her. You cannot expect it.

 

As for chores, I deal with my stuff and my roommate deals with his stuff. She should take care of her own stuff, laundry, dishes, etc. She should help with communal chores when she is there. At no point should be feel the need to return to your house to clean stuff she didn't mess up, and at no point should she feel like she can't go be with other family when she wants to be with them.

Edited December 6, 2009 by Sputterduck

[Renee in NC]

First of all, she isn't really "an older teen" - she is an adult.

 

If you want her to babysit, then ask her - don't assume.

 

She needs to clean up after herself. That includes common areas that she uses, but that is assuming that others are cleaning up after themselves as well.

 

However, unless she is paying rent, it isn't unreasonable to expect work in exchange for housing. If you want her to babysit, then come to some sort of agreement about when and how many hours. If you want her to do cleaning (aside from what she messes up) then set that ahead of time. Come to some sort of agreement and then hold her to it. The consequences would be that she cannot live in your home rent free.

 

I wouldn't expect her to give you a schedule at the beginning of the week, unless it is going to truly affect you in some way. As in, you are expecting her to babysit and she won't be there or there is cleaning that she won't be doing right before a big holiday or family get together.

 

Expecting her to say good-bye or let you know where she is going is common courtesy, but this is assuming you (or your dh) aren't lecturing her or showing disapproval when she does tell you.

[hornblower]

There was a different thread with some underlying similarities a while back in which I replied with a discussion of family set ups.

 

There are families where there is a large level of interdependence. Parents do a lot for the kids, even if the kids are already adults, but the kids are also doing a lot for the family - it's not just chores or communicating schedules. It's a sense of being a part of a ship sailing in the same direction, kwim and all crewing for the same goals.

 

I think from what you're describing, that interdependent family model is just not going to happen.

 

I would start treating her like an adult. Lay down the principles:

-free rent while you're in school full time

-meals included. You must notify us (you pick how far in advance) whether you'll be here for dinner or not

-whatever chores you want completed in lieu of rent

-curfew (this is where I differ from folks who suggest you treat them like room-mates; I think it's better to treat them like boarders. You can make rules about noise, returning late etc.)

-she should be responsible for her own room, laundry and bathroom & yes, help out in common areas. I'd spell this out very clearly.

-I wouldn't have any other expectations of her at all.

 

I know people who host adult foreign exchange students and that's kind of the same arrangement. They're often invited to go along with the family to outings or dinners & it's up to the guest to say yes, I'll come or no, thank you.

 

(this was the thread http://welltrainedmind.com/forums/showthread.php?t=130715 - I was post #20. It's not really the same issue but I think it does address some other angles of how families handle children growing into adulthood and sharing living arrangements.)

 

It's a tough transitional time. (I'm pretty relieved we're not there yet!)

[BabyBre]

So, do I still require her to do her chores at this age and is it reasonable for me to set specific days for her to be at our house and at her mother's? I am willing to be very flexible, but I would like to know at the beginning of each week where she plans to be each day, rather than finding out on a daily basis. What about the dinner dishes? It feels odd to ask her to wash the dinner dishes when she didn't eat with us, but then again, I feel like I do not ask her to do too much and this is very helpful to me. Both my younger children help around the house as well.

 

I suspect that this will continue for at least the next 5 years and I want to get a handle on how I should be dealing with these changes so I can adjust to it.

 

Lisa

 

 

If she's living rent-free she most certainly should be contributing to the household in some other way. She also needs to pay the heads of household the proper respect and that includes letting you know if or when she's going to be gone, as well as where she's going, who she's going to be with, etc. if that's your requirement.

 

She's not independent if she's still living in your house rent-free. Just like any residence, be it an apartment, a dorm, or her own house, she needs to follow the house rules.

 

I don't think you should set the days she stays with her mother, but she definitely needs to let you know what they are. It's common courtesy.

[Mom0012]

Thanks again for all the responses. I've read through them all once and I'll read through them all again tomorrow. I know she is an adult now, but she has special needs and has always been very young for her age. She graduated from high school in May and just got her driver's license a couple of months ago, so this is all very new here.

 

I'm going to really have to think this through. I've been very careful to be fair and I've always given a lot of thought to what chores she's had and discussed it with my husband to make sure it wasn't too much. Since this recent shift, I've been confused about how to handle things.

 

For those who commented on the babysitting, I have never really had her do regular babysitting. I have left my 10-year-old son here with her maybe 4 times while I've run my daughter someplace locally. I've always asked if she minded and it's never been for more than 20 minutes, so I can't say I feel badly about that. Seriously, she does her laundry, the dinner dishes and the vacuuming -- that's it. And the vacuuming and the dinner dishes have been pretty hit or miss lately.

 

I don't really care what days she spends with her mother or grandmother, but I guess I would like to know when they will be. That doesn't seem so ridiculous to me. I definitely don't agree with the "she's a roommate" comment. Don't roommates pay rent and share equal responsibilities?

 

It is always interesting to hear the wide disparity of viewpoints on this board. I wish you all would say the same thing because it would make it easier for me to figure things out, but thanks for giving me lots to think about.

 

Lisa

Edited December 7, 2009 by LisaTheresa

[Happy]

My 24 year old son moved back into our home this summer....with his pretty little wife. Yep, adults. We've had some....ah, shall we say friction from time to time. ;)

 

We have one big rule....don't make the mommy worry.

 

Let someone know if you are leaving the house and whether you will be home for dinner. We let them know our plans as they come up.... it's pizza/movie night on Friday or we will be gone over this weekend, will you water the plants? There are five adults here and only three cars (wrecks are no fun.) so we juggle getting through this time by talking about who needs a car when.

 

I worry if my guys aren't home when I go to bed. I need to know what their plans are so I can sleep. That's courtesy to me. That's simple respect.

 

We've since added an additional rule...don't make the mommy mad. :D

If mommy makes dinner and no one shows, mommy is not happy. If you aren't going to be home for supper, let mom know by 3pm so she can have cereal for her supper if no one is home. lol

 

One of the jobs you can have your dsd do is cook for the family one night a week. It's good practice and takes a load off you. She can plan the meal in advance so you can add needed items to the grocery list...or you can send her to the store with the entire grocery list.

 

Our kids live here rent free for the moment. In exchange for that my dh and I expect them to help out with cleaning, yard care, and projects that come up. We pay for them to mow the grass in the summer.

 

If they lived in an apartment, they would still have to wash cars, go grocery shopping, vacuum, clean, and deal with pets. They can also do that living here.

 

See, here is the thing....I'm their mom, but I'm currently out of the hands on mommy biz. Retired last summer when my youngest graduated from our homeschool. I have a life and need some freedom, too...so sometimes it's me saying I won't be home on Tuesday night--y'all need to fix supper on your own.

 

Communicate. Communicate. Communicate. And remember, it's your home. If they don't like your rules they are free to live elsewhere.

[Renee in NC]

That changes my stance a little bit - I was assuming that she was a more experienced adult than that. It'll all work out in the end. The novelty of being able to bounce from here to here to there will probably wear off and she'll stay in the place with the best food.:D