anger and kids

[helena]

My 8 yo is learning to deal with having Tourette Syndrome, and it hasn't been easy. My 10yo already has it, but everything about her TS is so different from her sister.

My 8yo is like a quirky, cuddly, fairly like creature. She is a joy to watch in action. In the last few months though we've had to adapt to terrible verbal and physical tics. I can see that she is overwhelmed and confused. My husband and I are always working together to adapt.

But MAN!!! AAHHH!!!!!

She is (understandably) starting to lash out on us at home. It's very obvious that she's angry. I've been reading about anger with TS and my brain is starting to spin.

I'm planning to talk to her specifically about anger once I get my story straight. I'm also planning to talk to her sister separately about all of this, because she is bearing the brunt of it lately.

 

I'd like to ask for any advice you have about this, I know a lot of kids have had to deal with anger for a lot of different reasons. I'm looking for the key elements to help her understand that A) she's angry B) why it's happening C) why it's not acceptable to carry on this way D) what can we do to prevent it/help it.

In an 8 yo wiggly, can't look into your eyes for more that 3 seconds kind of way. :)

 

How do you keep the peace in your home when someone is always irate?

[Amy in TX]

I have no experience with tourette's, so no knowledgeable advice to give. I have had to speak with both of my dds as they enter the hormonal years (for them, around age 12) about anger management. Understanding that they are feeling more stress than they used to, and the need to not inflict that stress on others. That we all have to use some self control to behave well when our hormones make everything seem unbearable to us.

 

Sorry, that's probably not all that helpful! But will keep you in my prayers...

 

 

Amy

[Pippen]

If nothing else is working, I'd suggest picking up a copy of Ross Greene's book The Explosive Child: A New Approach for Parenting Easily Frustrated, Chronically Inflexible Children. The strategy is very different than traditional parenting but it can be very helpful if you've reached that walking on eggshells around her stage.

[helena]

I have no experience with tourette's, so no knowledgeable advice to give. I have had to speak with both of my dds as they enter the hormonal years (for them, around age 12) about anger management. Understanding that they are feeling more stress than they used to, and the need to not inflict that stress on others. That we all have to use some self control to behave well when our hormones make everything seem unbearable to us.

 

Sorry, that's probably not all that helpful! But will keep you in my prayers...

 

 

Amy

 

It is helpful :001_smile:

We are all responsible for our actions, we don't have the right to impose our anger on other people.

your prayers are truly appriciated, thank you

[helena]

If nothing else is working, I'd suggest picking up a copy of Ross Greene's book The Explosive Child: A New Approach for Parenting Easily Frustrated, Chronically Inflexible Children. The strategy is very different than traditional parenting but it can be very helpful if you've reached that walking on eggshells around her stage.

 

I put the book on hold at the library, thank you for that.

I can't believe how many positive reviews there were for this book on Amazon!

I can't believe how many books there are for angry kids..

[Peela]

I dont know much about Tourrettes, sorry, but I have had a lot of experience with anger issues- in myself, in partners past and present, and in one of my kids.

I think most people feel guilty about feeling anger- but no one can actually help feeling their anger. Anger comes unasked, and I imagine more so with your kids, but it's the same for all of us. We don't ask to be angry, we dont wake up and say I am going to get angry today- and when we feel guilty for having the actual feeling, it makes it harder to learn to direct or manage or even just feel the anger. When we dont give ourselves permission to feel the anger, in fact, and also feel what may be underneith it- hurt, sadness- it can build and build and violence occurs, or people turn it on themselves and get depressed.

As for directing it....with all the best of intentions, it is probably still going to be directed at people at times. With the people in my life who are angry, I have learned to a large extent to stop taking it personally, and remember that when I get triggered, upset...that is my job to deal with, my feeling, and not anyone else's. But its not easy.

There are all those techniques like bashing pillows, screaming under water, going for a run...and I have used them all, and they helped at the time. With my son...I do send him to his room if he becomes toxic and dumps on me or others. But we also allow a certian amount of free expression of feelings around here, and I feel that is probably healthier and more realistic than just not allowing it, or trying to shut it down.

If my dh or I are angry, it is usually because we are upset. We often take time outs for ourselves when that happens, and hence, will also send our kids for time outs.

I guess we have all developed a language around it too. We talk about it a lot. It is an open topic- no shame about it around here.

Also, I will try and follow things all the way through. So if I kid is upset and angry, and I have had to do something to stop them directing it in an abusive or unfair way, such as a time out or some consequence like no electronics for the afternoon, I will watch and notice whether there comes a sense of resolution, of surrender,perhaps of remorse, of peace after a time, or if the issue is not resolved and resentment keeps building and the child stays in a less than cheerful space. If it doesnt follow through to a fresh start, I will sit down and talk it through for as long as it takes- sometimes a fair while- because there are deeper issues going on.

Just a few ideas.

[Stacy in NJ]

anger issues. There was a great video program produced by HBO called I have Tourettes But Tourettes Doesn't Have Me. It's really just a bunch of kids explaining what it's like for them with Tourettes. Your library may have it. Here's a short part of it via youtube :http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qjWdnQZGScs

 

I recommend that you give your dds a chance to see it. Some of the anger issues my spring from living with symptoms of Tourettes. Also, consider getting in touch with a Tourettes support group in your area. Ours has social get together for the kids, and it's a good way from them to see that others have similar feelings and experiences.

 

:grouphug:

[helena]

I dont know much about Tourrettes, sorry, but I have had a lot of experience with anger issues- in myself, in partners past and present, and in one of my kids.

I think most people feel guilty about feeling anger- but no one can actually help feeling their anger. Anger comes unasked, and I imagine more so with your kids, but it's the same for all of us. We don't ask to be angry, we dont wake up and say I am going to get angry today- and when we feel guilty for having the actual feeling, it makes it harder to learn to direct or manage or even just feel the anger. When we dont give ourselves permission to feel the anger, in fact, and also feel what may be underneith it- hurt, sadness- it can build and build and violence occurs, or people turn it on themselves and get depressed.

As for directing it....with all the best of intentions, it is probably still going to be directed at people at times. With the people in my life who are angry, I have learned to a large extent to stop taking it personally, and remember that when I get triggered, upset...that is my job to deal with, my feeling, and not anyone else's. But its not easy.

There are all those techniques like bashing pillows, screaming under water, going for a run...and I have used them all, and they helped at the time. With my son...I do send him to his room if he becomes toxic and dumps on me or others. But we also allow a certian amount of free expression of feelings around here, and I feel that is probably healthier and more realistic than just not allowing it, or trying to shut it down.

If my dh or I are angry, it is usually because we are upset. We often take time outs for ourselves when that happens, and hence, will also send our kids for time outs.

I guess we have all developed a language around it too. We talk about it a lot. It is an open topic- no shame about it around here.

Also, I will try and follow things all the way through. So if I kid is upset and angry, and I have had to do something to stop them directing it in an abusive or unfair way, such as a time out or some consequence like no electronics for the afternoon, I will watch and notice whether there comes a sense of resolution, of surrender,perhaps of remorse, of peace after a time, or if the issue is not resolved and resentment keeps building and the child stays in a less than cheerful space. If it doesnt follow through to a fresh start, I will sit down and talk it through for as long as it takes- sometimes a fair while- because there are deeper issues going on.

Just a few ideas.

 

Yeah, I've always had to much anger in me as well. I often feel that years of it in my youth and 20's put me in a place to be more susceptible to the lupus I have now. I think that's the only thing that scares me about my daughter. Not that she'll get lupus, but that she'll struggle with anger in general. In my life anger was an obvious reaction, I had every reason to be angry. But I've worked so hard to spare my children the suffering that can overwhelm even a child's life. For me anger is a dark thick muck, it's a dangerous substance.

I know that's not what my daughters anger is about, and I know that anger is part of life.

I'm so glad you wrote...your approach really resonates with me.

thank you

[helena]

anger issues. There was a great video program produced by HBO called I have Tourettes But Tourettes Doesn't Have Me. It's really just a bunch of kids explaining what it's like for them with Tourettes. Your library may have it. Here's a short part of it via youtube :http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qjWdnQZGScs

 

I recommend that you give your dds a chance to see it. Some of the anger issues my spring from living with symptoms of Tourettes. Also, consider getting in touch with a Tourettes support group in your area. Ours has social get together for the kids, and it's a good way from them to see that others have similar feelings and experiences.

 

:grouphug:

 

I saw this video when my first was diagnosed, and I thought it would frighten her, now a few years later and a 2nd child with TS I think you might be right. I think they deserve to have it all laid out for them. Thank you for reminding me about this resource.

How did your kids react when they first went to a social? We just went to see Mary Poppins on stage last week, my 8 yo and I had to go wait in the lobby 20 minutes into the play because her tics were so loud. My first daughter has less noticeable tics, I thought well, we'll get by fine. But now with my little one, it's debilitating right now. Maybe I should consider reaching out into the TS community.

[Terabith]

:grouphug: That sounds so incredibly hard for her, and for the whole family. Your heart must be absolutely breaking. I am so sorry.

 

If her tics are that debilitating, I really might consider medication. But I'm not in the situation. But, I'm so sorry. No wonder she is angry, and terrified, and humiliated. I imagine she's feeling ashamed. Loss of control of your body, with tics, must be one of the hardest things for an eight year old, especially for it to come on so suddenly. I would definitely reach out to the community. I think addressing the anger is important, but under the circumstances, I think I would be as gentle as possible with her and give her a lot of support and sympathy. That doesn't mean she can hurt people, but I do think her anger is in a different category than some. It's a natural part of the grieving process. Doesn't absolve her from her actions, but she is going through hell right now. As are you, I suspect. Watching your child suffer..... No harder thing. :grouphug:

[Stacy in NJ]

:grouphug: That sounds so incredibly hard for her, and for the whole family. Your heart must be absolutely breaking. I am so sorry.

 

If her tics are that debilitating, I really might consider medication. But I'm not in the situation. But, I'm so sorry. No wonder she is angry, and terrified, and humiliated. I imagine she's feeling ashamed. Loss of control of your body, with tics, must be one of the hardest things for an eight year old, especially for it to come on so suddenly. I would definitely reach out to the community. I think addressing the anger is important, but under the circumstances, I think I would be as gentle as possible with her and give her a lot of support and sympathy. That doesn't mean she can hurt people, but I do think her anger is in a different category than some. It's a natural part of the grieving process. Doesn't absolve her from her actions, but she is going through hell right now. As are you, I suspect. Watching your child suffer..... No harder thing. :grouphug:

 

:iagree:

 

I would consider medication if the tics were debilitating. It sounds like your little one my need this type of help. Her anger and acting out is understandable under the circumstances.

 

I've found the best cure for difficult feelings surounding Tourettes is an open attitude and teaching advocacy skills. Talk openly with your dds about their condition, educated them and help them to educate others. They have a valuable role to play, they can hide their condition and feel embarassed and ashamed, or they can be advocates and educate others about their condition. Teaching them to be advocates gives them a sense of purpose, power and some control.

 

:grouphug:

[Amy in TX]

:grouphug: Loss of control of your body, with tics, must be one of the hardest things for an eight year old, especially for it to come on so suddenly. I would definitely reach out to the community. I think addressing the anger is important, but under the circumstances, I think I would be as gentle as possible with her and give her a lot of support and sympathy. That doesn't mean she can hurt people, but I do think her anger is in a different category than some. It's a natural part of the grieving process. Doesn't absolve her from her actions, but she is going through hell right now. As are you, I suspect. Watching your child suffer..... No harder thing. :grouphug:

 

:iagree:

 

Couldn't agree more--this response is so much better than mine. Again, your family is in my prayers.