Anne Rittenhouse Posted November 23, 2009 Share Posted November 23, 2009 My niece is a very immature 21 year old. She lived with me a year ago for a few months and it ended badly----mostly thanks to my stbxh's stupidity and my marriage falling apart. All of that had nothing to do with her,but she was caught in the cross fires so to speak. She behaved disrespectfully toward me and I asked her to move out. She did not take it well. Things have rocked on with minimal contact but it has been polite. She has expressed a real unhappiness with me and my mom 'telling her what to do.' Which brings me to this issue. I am hosting a family dinner at my house on Saturday for my parents anniversary. I swallowed my pride and sent her an email that said, 'anniversary was today, party at my house on Saturday, we'd love to have you. We all love and miss you.' She answers like this...which is typical for her. "Yes, I knew it was their anniversary and I will try to make it, but it's kinda last minute and we had plans here this weekend. :( Love, Niece" This kind of response from her drives me straight up the wall! I want to respond to her and say, 'Do not insult my invitation to you by pointing out it was too last minute for you. Do not insult my invitation to you by pointing out that you will 'try' to make it. Just say, 'Thank you for inviting me. Regretfully I already have plans for that day. I hope to see you all soon.' Or better yet, say, 'I will be there! Love you all too!' I'm thinking that is not the wise course. Please tell me how YOU would respond to this type of response. Actually, it is your actions that are immature and rude. You admit a rocky relationship with this woman, she was living with you. You asked her to leave. Contact has been minimal and polite. So from her point a view an cool, late email shows up asking her to remember an anniversary and to show up at a family gathering for Saturday. A family that she may view as really messed up...considering how she was caught in the cross fires of your marriage break up. Yeah, you got the response you wanted. There is nothing wrong with her response. She is insulted that you reminded her about said event and that you failed to issue a timely personal invitation. After contact with you, if I were your niece, I would be drawing careful boundary lines and a family get together such as you have described would be a event well worth missing. Next time, call about a month in advance. Let her know about the event and how much she would be missed if she chose not to attend. Give a specific timeline, so she knows she is not hamstrung in to the entire afternoon. Follow up that day with a hand written note containing all the details. Give her an out also. For example, "If you have other plans for the day, we are serving dessert and cutting the cake at about 4'oclock. Please feel free to join us just for an hour. We do understand if you have made other plans. Love. Aunt" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted November 23, 2009 Author Share Posted November 23, 2009 Actually, it is your actions that are immature and rude. So from her point a view an cool, late email shows up asking her to remember an anniversary and to show up at a family gathering for Saturday. Wow. Ok. I asked for it so I will take it. Just to clarify the FIRST invitation was a little last minute. I invited her on Tuesday for Saturday. Then the dinner had to be rescheduled because my dad hurt himself. I re-invited everyone on one email (cc everyone). It was for 2 full weeks out. She ignored that invitation (for a week) until I asked her to respond last night. I guess the reason I am so confused by her is that she really acted like she wanted to come when I invited her to the first plan...went on and on about how she hated to put a friend from school first over family but she didn't have enough notice. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted November 23, 2009 Author Share Posted November 23, 2009 Everyone who is in school. I'd let it go, Scarlett. She obviously doesn't want to come but she is trying to be polite about not wanting to come. That's ok. She's just not at the place right now where she wants to be at this kind of family party. And you don't want to force her. Really. :grouphug: Thanks Jean. You are right. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted November 23, 2009 Author Share Posted November 23, 2009 Maybe her fellow 20/21/22 year olds who are in college, some of whom may be in town only for the holiday week? Keep in mind too that if things have been strained with family, she may feel closer to her friends right now. I'm really not sure why you're upset about this reply. :confused: She already has plans (which you already said wasn't the problem), and she's just clarifying, trying to let you know why she already has plans: she and friend(s) arranged however long ago to get together while everyone was off/home from school. It is a different invitation. I had to reschedule and this time invited everyone at the same time with 2 weeks and 1 day notice. She didn't respond to the 2nd invitation until I asked her about it again last night. I am upset by the response because I do not like being brushed off by my 21 year old niece. My mother is crushed by the way this girl is treating her---that adds to my pain. I guess now I need to know if I should keep inviting her to things. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted November 24, 2009 Share Posted November 24, 2009 (edited) I guess now I need to know if I should keep inviting her to things. You seem to want to rekindle your relationship with your niece, so I see no problem with inviting her to family get-togethers. I would not, however, expect her to respond, and I wouldn't bother to press her for an answer. If you are hosting a party at a restaurant and need a definite head-count, be sure to mention that in your invitation, and specify that if you haven't heard back from her by a certain date, that you will assume she won't be attending. That way, you won't be placed in a position where it seems as though you're begging her to come to your party (or holiday dinner, or whatever,) and you also won't have any reason to be unpleasant with her, either. For less formal occasions, your invitation could be an open, "feel free to join us," type of thing, where she can show up if she feels like it. That way, you're being nice, but not kissing up to her and begging for her presence. Honestly, I think you're letting this get to you a bit too much. It seems pretty clear to me, as an outsider, that your niece doesn't want to attend family functions, yet doesn't want to be nasty about it. If you are unkind when she refuses your invitations, you'll close the door to any future reconciliation with her when she's a bit "older and wiser" and realizes the importance of family. I think the best thing you can do is to try to include her in a generic way (nothing personal in the invitation except to say that you hope all is well with her or something similar,) and see what happens. Be pleasant, but don't act like she's any more important than any of your other guests, and don't assume that she has an obligation to spend time with the family. I know this is difficult for you, but after everything else you've been through over the past months (and years,) this niece isn't worth your time, worry, anger, or concern. If you want to include her in an event, send her an invitation and then forget about her. Don't let her behavior cause any unhappiness for you. :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: Cat Edited November 24, 2009 by Catwoman Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted November 24, 2009 Author Share Posted November 24, 2009 You seem to want to rekindle your relationship with your niece, so I see no problem with inviting her to family get-togethers. I would not, however, expect her to respond, and I wouldn't bother to press her for an answer. If you are hosting a party at a restaurant and need a definite head-count, be sure to mention that in your invitation, and specify that if you haven't heard back from her by a certain date, that you will assume she won't be attending. That way, you won't be placed in a position where it seems as though you're begging her to come to your party (or holiday dinner, or whatever,) and you also won't have any reason to be unpleasant with her, either. Honestly, I think you're letting this get to you a bit too much. It seems pretty clear to me, as an outsider, that your niece doesn't want to attend family functions, yet doesn't want to be nasty about it. If you are unkind when she refuses your invitations, you'll close the door to any future reconciliation with her when she's a bit "older and wiser." I think the best thing you can do is to try to include her in a generic way (nothing personal in the invitation except to say that you hope all is well with her or something similar,) and see what happens. Be pleasant, but don't kiss up to her, and don't assume that she has an obligation to spend time with the family. I know this is difficult for you, but after everything else you've been through over the past months (and years,) this niece isn't worth your time, worry, anger, or concern. If you want to include her in an event, send her an invitation and then forget about her. Don't let her behavior cause any unhappiness for you. :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: Cat Ok. This is what I needed to hear. I composed an email but haven't sent it...now I won't. When I posted this last night I didn't know it but my mom had sent her an email and my niece had responded back very disprespectfully...so I think her response to me was all tied up in her correspondance with mom. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted November 24, 2009 Share Posted November 24, 2009 It's so sad that your niece is so disrespectful of your mother. Perhaps it's time for your mom to respond to the email and tell your niece that she will have nothing more to do with her until she is willing to treat her with kindness and respect. Your niece can't be disrespectful if no one is paying attention to her, and by maintaining contact, your mother is practically encouraging this young woman to keep pushing the envelope to see how much she can get away with. It sounds like it's time to cut this girl loose and let her be the one to ask permission to spend time with the family. I know I just said that you should keep inviting her to family gatherings, but if she's being mean to your mom, I would no longer welcome her into my home. If your mom doesn't want to break contact with your niece, you can't do anything about that, but it just seems wrong to try to be friendly with someone who is intentionally trying to hurt your mother. That said, I think you should avoid contacting your niece about this, and let your mother take care of it herself, as she was the one who received the disrespectful email. Cat Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lionfamily1999 Posted November 24, 2009 Share Posted November 24, 2009 It's the thread that will not die. :grouphug: Scarlet, maybe you should edit away the thread head, lol. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MariannNOVA Posted November 24, 2009 Share Posted November 24, 2009 You seem to want to rekindle your relationship with your niece, so I see no problem with inviting her to family get-togethers. I would not, however, expect her to respond, and I wouldn't bother to press her for an answer. If you are hosting a party at a restaurant and need a definite head-count, be sure to mention that in your invitation, and specify that if you haven't heard back from her by a certain date, that you will assume she won't be attending. That way, you won't be placed in a position where it seems as though you're begging her to come to your party (or holiday dinner, or whatever,) and you also won't have any reason to be unpleasant with her, either. For less formal occasions, your invitation could be an open, "feel free to join us," type of thing, where she can show up if she feels like it. That way, you're being nice, but not kissing up to her and begging for her presence. Honestly, I think you're letting this get to you a bit too much. It seems pretty clear to me, as an outsider, that your niece doesn't want to attend family functions, yet doesn't want to be nasty about it. If you are unkind when she refuses your invitations, you'll close the door to any future reconciliation with her when she's a bit "older and wiser" and realizes the importance of family. I think the best thing you can do is to try to include her in a generic way (nothing personal in the invitation except to say that you hope all is well with her or something similar,) and see what happens. Be pleasant, but don't act like she's any more important than any of your other guests, and don't assume that she has an obligation to spend time with the family. I know this is difficult for you, but after everything else you've been through over the past months (and years,) this niece isn't worth your time, worry, anger, or concern. If you want to include her in an event, send her an invitation and then forget about her. Don't let her behavior cause any unhappiness for you. :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: Cat :iagree: with everything that Cat wrote here (and I know she revised her answer a little while after - but this is her answer that I think says it all). I will also PM you, Scarlett. Be kind to yourself, and give yourself a break and stop micro-analyzing this -- this is about your parent's anniversary (unless I'm really confused) so put the focus back on that and how lovely it is that you can do this for them. Really! :grouphug::grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted November 24, 2009 Author Share Posted November 24, 2009 :iagree: with everything that Cat wrote here (and I know she revised her answer a little while after - but this is her answer that I think says it all). I will also PM you, Scarlett. Be kind to yourself, and give yourself a break and stop micro-analyzing this -- this is about your parent's anniversary (unless I'm really confused) so put the focus back on that and how lovely it is that you can do this for them. Really! :grouphug::grouphug: Here is her response to me... 'Well it is Thanksgiving weekend so everyone is out of school... And whether you and grandma believe me, i've been busy and I have had plans for this weekend... I am sorry that I can't come...' She sort of acts like mom and I are one person. When in fact, I didn't know mom had even sent her an email... Mariann you are correct that it is about a family dinner for parents anniversary. I am not going to respond to her at all right now. She needs to stew in her own juices for a while. Thank you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted November 24, 2009 Author Share Posted November 24, 2009 ,. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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