Death of grandparent???

[Zebra]

I don't even know how to word this...but my father has been fighting a losing battle with cancer for almost 3 years now, and he's lived way beyond everyone's expectations-but it looks like the end may be near. DD was 3 when he was first sick, and now she's 6. They are very close. We lived with them for awhile to help out, and now we frequently take him to doctor's visits. She's seen him get chemo, fluids, shots, and in the hospital. She knows he has bags to go to the bathroom in. She hasn't seen the bags, but I've tried to be honest with her about his condition without completely showing her more than she needs to see. So, the bottom line is DD understands he is sick, and accepts that he will never get any better.

 

I haven't told her he is dying. I haven't felt comfortable with that until he was actually dying. I also didn't really know how to explain it to a 3 year old, but now she's getting older. He's been less lucid lately, and they have had less of a relationship. He's less interested in her lately, which will probably make it easier for her. The Dr's have almost completely run out of options, and it looks like hospice should be the next thing.

 

So, if you've gotten this far, thanks! I am just curious how to go about this with DD, telling her her grandfather is going to die? Should I get a certain book, or handle it in a certain way or what? Does anyone have any suggestions? We do believe in God and Heaven, if that makes any difference.

 

I know this is a morbid topic, but I do want to help DD handle this as well as we can under the circumstances. Any wisdom is appreciated.

[skirch]

:grouphug: I don't have any advice but wanted to say I am sorry.

 

I have wondered the same thing as both my parents are elderly have had serious health problems this year. It will be very hard for her when they pass.

 

My dd was only 11 months and nearly 3 when we lost her paternal grandparents. She was so young and really didn't understand.

 

Again, I'm sorry you have to go through this.:grouphug:

[lionfamily1999]

If you go to church, I would recommend the resources they have there.

 

When dh's grandpa was at the end we brought ds to say goodbye and I did the best I could to show him that a. grief is okay, b. it IS sad, and c. you have to remember that they're better off in heaven and one day we'll get to see each other again.

 

Remember, this will be no cake walk for you either. A lot of how she learns to process these things will be by watching you.

 

:grouphug:

 

Oh, and ime, you're never really ready.

 

ETA: I do not mean that you should try to control your reaction. What I mean is, while you are grieving and battling the feelings you'll have, ask yourself if you want her to treat it that way. Clear as mud, right? IOW, before you try to cut yourself off and "be strong," ask yourself how you'd want your little one to feel later. My mother is an open griever, my father is a stow it away and face it tomorrow. Dealing with things the way my father does is very painful and now, as an adult, I try to be open about these things, because I don't want my dcs to be people that ignore their feelings or believe that grief is something to be ashamed of.

Edited October 26, 2009 by lionfamily1999

[dirty ethel rackham]

We lived a very similar situation with my dad. My nieces and nephews were very close to my dad because they got to interact more with him before he got sick. We were given the terminal diagnosis when my son was 1. Dad lived another 3 1/2 more years. My kids loved grandpa, but they didn't have as close a relationship because Dad tended to isolate himself more from noisy situations after his diagnosis. He also tried to hide the side effects from family - being the tough old guy that he was, he did not want us to see him as being weak.

 

We (meaning my parents and siblings) were always open with all the kids that grandpa was sick and there wasn't a cure for what he had. We explained that it was great that Grandpa was still here. I think the first time I explained to my oldest that Grandpa was not going to be around much longer was 2 days before he died - he had taken a rather sudden downturn. I remember my then 8 year old nephew, when he was told about my dad's death, saying "Does that mean he isn't in pain anymore?" How wise these little ones can be! Our family is not big on public, maudlin displays, but we are big on sharing stories. Most of the grandkids shared their favorite memories of grandpa. I am sad that my kids don't have those memories of my dad since they were so young (one not even born then.)

 

So, back to your situation, I think your daughter may be more aware than you realize. I would be honest and tell her that his body is worn out fighting the disease, the disease is winning, that he does not have much time left here on Earth and that he will go to be with God. His body will be left behind because he doesn't need it anymore, but his soul with be with God. (This was a confusing thing for one of my nephews - he couldn't understand why his Grandpa's body was in the coffin, but he was with God.)

 

Another thing is to remember is that we need to allow kids to grieve in their own way. Some will cry (dd cries when someone we know dies) and some will appear on the outside to be unfazed, but will carry around their grief in other ways. We don't need to shush tears, but let them flow while providing comfort. Also, I don't think it is a good idea to completely hide your own grief from your child. You might not want to express the full gamut of emotions (showers are great for that:), but it is healthy for them to learn how to process grief by example. When my husband lost a dear cousin last year, he and my daughter sat and cried together on the couch. By sharing their grief together, they comforted each other.

 

One book on this subject that I love is by Tomie DePaola called Nana Upstairs and Nana Downstairs.

 

ETA: My prayers are with you on this difficult journey. Let us know how you are doing.

Edited October 26, 2009 by dirty ethel rackham

[sixglides]

This was timely for me to read also. My mom has Lou Gehrig's disease & we have been dealing similar issues. We are the family that lives out of town (9 hours away) & being long distance is difficult. If anyone has suggestions, I'm open. My kids definately have not grasped what is going on, though I haven't specifically NOT told them.

[Zebra]

 

So, back to your situation, I think your daughter may be more aware than you realize.

 

Another thing is to remember is that we need to allow kids to grieve in their own way.

 

Thanks for the advice. My dad has told me that my DD looks at him sometimes in a certain way, and he knows she knows he is going to die. Someone else warned me that DD might become very clingy, and to be ready for things like that and let her be clingy for awhile. Both good things to keep in mind.

 

She's seen me cry a few times, and I've just told her, "I'm very sad that Papa is so sick." and she's said to me, while patting my arm, "It's okay Mommy." Which is very cute. But, most of the time I cry in the shower, or after I've dropped her off at an activity and am by myself in the car!

 

I think I did a lot of my grieving with the initial diagnosis. He was given 6 months to 2 years more than 2 years ago now, and it's just been a total nightmare for everyone since then. The doctors don't even know how he's lived this long, with this many complications, and in this much pain. In a lot of ways, I feel like I've already lost my father.

[stripe]

What a sad time.

 

I've read a few books that discuss either aging/ sickness or death, namely Loop the Loop by Barbara Dugan (unfortunately OOP) and Nana Upstairs and Nana Downstairs by Tomie dePaola. I think it's worth gently introducing the topic, so that she is prepared and not so frightened. I would definitely call upon your religious tradition.

[lionfamily1999]

Thanks for the advice. My dad has told me that my DD looks at him sometimes in a certain way, and he knows she knows he is going to die. Someone else warned me that DD might become very clingy, and to be ready for things like that and let her be clingy for awhile. Both good things to keep in mind.

 

She's seen me cry a few times, and I've just told her, "I'm very sad that Papa is so sick." and she's said to me, while patting my arm, "It's okay Mommy." Which is very cute. But, most of the time I cry in the shower, or after I've dropped her off at an activity and am by myself in the car!

 

I think I did a lot of my grieving with the initial diagnosis. He was given 6 months to 2 years more than 2 years ago now, and it's just been a total nightmare for everyone since then. The doctors don't even know how he's lived this long, with this many complications, and in this much pain. In a lot of ways, I feel like I've already lost my father.

I found the clinginess made me feel better. I felt clingy, too.

 

:grouphug: