Need your best advise on handling hormonal prepuberty girl

[joannqn]

There are many things I do right as a mom, but patience and encouragement aren't my strong suits.

 

For the past week or so, we've noticed that my 9 year old daughter (will be 10 in January) has been sullen and moody. Because she isn't showing signs of puberty, we just thought she was just having a bad attitude so we got after her about it. She's burst into tears a few times, but she's always been one to cry easily and often, usually over things that she decides are too hard even though she hasn't tried. So, after getting on her about her attitude a few times today and her bursting into tears twice this morning, I clued in that its hormones.

 

To be honest, I don't know what to tell her or how to help her. My own periods are horrendous in both flow (long and very heavy) and PMS. I've never really figured out how to make it better so I've just learned to "deal with it." I don't think telling her to "deal with it" or "get over it" is going to be particularly helpful.

 

So, what do I say to her? What can I do to help her?

[Wildiris]

Dear JoAnn,

 

My DD now 12 is in the middle of the hormonal blues. When she acts most unpleasant to her sister or myself I've learned to keep my mouth shut. I try to let her get it out, then later I talk with her about how she needs to act differently. I repeat this conversation, she agrees, and at times she flies right back into her attitude in a heart beat. Mostly, I try to give her some space alone to pull herself together. She does come around after a while and will apologize, but I know it is only a brief truce before the next upset. Most of all I try to remind myself to treat her the way I'd like to be treated when I am feeling overly hormonal and strung to tight by emotion.

[Sue G in PA]

It's tough, but you really have to try to stay calm and patient. Easier said than done, trust me. My dd12 is very emotional, hormonal, Jekyl and Hydish, happy one minute, sad the next and in a rage the next. Crazy. We allow her to blow off steam, rant and rave, cry, yell, whatever until she starts getting disrespectful or hurtful. Then we lay down the law...she is not allowed to hurt anyone verbaly or physically by her words or actions. If that means staying in her room, so be it. If it means being grounded from friends and phone for a week for her words, so be it. Teach her ways to release anger in positive ways (exercise, journaling, punching a pillow, using her words to express anger in a respectful way like "I am so angry with you right now", but without name calling"). Whatever you do, don't withdraw love or affection or attention. My mom disengaged when I got hormonal and our relationship and my self-worth suffered as a result. Leave her to cry/yell it out but then go in and talk about what she was feeling, ways to overcome or deal with it, tell her you love her and understand what she is going through, etc. Just be there for her. You are probably doing all that already and handling it all very well. Oh, and remember, we all mess up sometimes. So, don't beat yourself up for the times that YOU don't act so "patient" with her.

[lionfamily1999]

 

So, what do I say to her? What can I do to help her?

Sweet heart, I know and understand exactly what you're going through. It's not easy, is it?

 

(wait for some response)

 

The worst part for me, about getting all emotional and hormonal is --------------(fill in with whatever is true for you, but keep it clean ;) ). Do you know what I mean?

 

(wait for response) if she responds with her own worse part, then work with it.

 

 

 

 

 

This is an EXCELLENT time to establish that she is not alone in this scary rollercoaster ride of emotions. It is also a wonderful time to let her know that you can UNDERSTAND and LISTEN, and she can also practice listening while you tell her (honestly) how it is for you. Don't make it all negative, though, or she'll start hating being a girl, iykwIm. You may want to add in something about how AMAZING it is how all these ups and downs prepare you for parenthood and the beauty of being a woman, etc etc.

 

:grouphug:

[joannqn]

We talked a little bit today about it. We talked about how the hardest part is probably that it is new to her. She created a little sign for herself using some of her Bella Sara cards...totally on her own. She wrote "Remember This" on a piece of card stock and then glued four cards onto the paper. The cards all have encouragements on them. The ones she chose said:

You are a perfect child. Believe It.

 

No matter what happens, you can choose the peaceful way.

 

Be willing to forgive.

 

You can choose this moment to change yourself.

 

 

I was so impressed!

 

One of the hard things is that I have no example to go on. My own parents never talked to me about these things. I went to the movie at school and that was it. My mom took me out to buy bras in 4th grade and my father teased me relentlessly for the next week. There was also no s*x talk, though I already knew all about it because I was being abused by a neighbor.

[catalinakel]

ah, yes. We have been here for several years now. My daughter is very hard on herself when she is monstrous. besides doing all of the above, and giving lots of cuddle time when I don' t say a word, I remind her of what a good friend once told me re. these tough hormonal times: Sometimes you just have to ignore yourself.

[lionfamily1999]

We talked a little bit today about it. We talked about how the hardest part is probably that it is new to her. She created a little sign for herself using some of her Bella Sara cards...totally on her own. She wrote "Remember This" on a piece of card stock and then glued four cards onto the paper. The cards all have encouragements on them. The ones she chose said:

 

 

I was so impressed!

 

One of the hard things is that I have no example to go on. My own parents never talked to me about these things. I went to the movie at school and that was it. My mom took me out to buy bras in 4th grade and my father teased me relentlessly for the next week. There was also no s*x talk, though I already knew all about it because I was being abused by a neighbor.

My mom was....... well...... she talked to me, but it wasn't what I would've expected or wanted. She's why I mentioned curbing how much info you give, to keep it clean ;)

 

I am amazed at how close dd and I are now that we "share" womanhood status. I'm so glad the two of you spoke. Letting the girls know that their moms are just as muddled over these things help, I think.

 

:grouphug:

[StephanieZ]

Awwww, my dd12 started that around the time she turned 11. Just very sensitive and moody. Almost fragile. . .

 

I found it helpful just to try to avoid upsetting her in the first place as much as possible by reorganizing her responsibilities, etc. For instance, she often got upset when having to "negotiate" sharing the computer or practicing duets with her brother. . .

 

So, I helped her avoid conflict in those areas by setting up very clear time slots for the computer and providing outrageous rewards for peaceful duet practices. . . Or, she would get upset a lot with my babysitter/nanny who helps the kids 2 days a week when I work. This is a super nice lady and I knew it wasn't that the sitter was being unkind. However, I just changed the way dd was responsible for her schooling -- by making her daily list HERS with the tutor/sitter/nanny just a "helper"/"resource" (whereas when the kids are/were younger, it was the other way round -- with the "LIST" being the duty of the sitter/nanny/tutor. . . Anyway, these are just examples that worked for me to remove the sources of tension from my dd's daily life.

 

Plenty of snuggles, reassurance, etc helps, too, of course.

[TravelingChris]

:iagree:with the pp about trying to make certain aggravations less aggravating. With my two oldest, who have ADHD, when they were at this age, the time when they wore off their medications was not a good time to get into confrontation. So I would arrange things so they would not be in contact with others then. It would be their time for exercise alone or maybe their alone tv watching time or computer play time or something else. But it wouldn't be the time for them to interact with a sibling or be asked to do a chore. A hour or two later everything would be back to normal and the chores could be done then.

 

With my youngest who is this age and is not ADHD, I generally stay out of the way and have others stay out of the way when she is having a meltdown. It is happening less as she is doing more athletic activities. That has helped a lot. Being tired is a good antidote to hormonal issues.

[sunshine]

We talked a little bit today about it. We talked about how the hardest part is probably that it is new to her. She created a little sign for herself using some of her Bella Sara cards...totally on her own. She wrote "Remember This" on a piece of card stock and then glued four cards onto the paper. The cards all have encouragements on them. The ones she chose said:

 

 

I was so impressed!

 

One of the hard things is that I have no example to go on. My own parents never talked to me about these things. I went to the movie at school and that was it. My mom took me out to buy bras in 4th grade and my father teased me relentlessly for the next week. There was also no s*x talk, though I already knew all about it because I was being abused by a neighbor.

 

:grouphug: you Joann