Tough questions...adoption

[Year Round Mom]

When my child was around 5, after a long, wonderful b'day party, dc said to me 'Adoption is a happy thing, but it's also a sad thing too, isn't? it" I held the child in my arms and said that few truer words were ever spoken. Dc asked if I ever thought about her first mother and I said "Always, and I thank her each time, and I hope she is OK". Adoption is both happy and sad, so sometimes difficult questions come up. I had never said that to my child at that point, but my child had feelings and an understanding of the conundrum that is adoption.

 

 

 

 

 

That's beautiful!

[Year Round Mom]

it doesn't change the fact that in order for that to happen, someone gave me away. It *is* a big part of who I am. It is not easy growing up and never having any sort of genetic connection to anyone around you. I can only imagine that must be more challenging for children adopted into a different race family. The fear of rejection is foundational to my personality and experience. It influences every single relationship I have -- past, present, and future. I personally disagree strongly with the statement that "Adopted children were adopted, not are adopted. It is something that happened in the past and it is not the totality of who they are." It may not be the totality of who I am, but it is huge, it is foundational, it is ever-present and it is *not* in the past. I wasn't just adopted, I *am* adopted.

 

 

 

:iagree:

 

Being adopted is a foundational piece to identity, even for the Christian! I have a long story, too, regarding what I know about my birthparents, and boy, do I still run that gamut of emotions. I like the advice to allow your son to go through the emotions with his loving parents beside him, going through it with him, as much as you are able to enter it.

[Year Round Mom]

 

Adoption is such a slippery subject. There is no right answers and there is no 100% correct handbook to tell anyone how to handle it with their child in a way that will work for every child. I mean you could be blessed with a kid who it will not bother but you could also be blessed with a child who thinks too much and questions everything and will not fully understand the true meaning of what it means to be adopted.

 

 

 

:iagree:

[gardnesd]

An elder at my church told me once that "in every state in the union it is illegal to disinherit an adopted child". I never snopesed that I just took him at his word Now, I'm not pretending that your 5yo can comprehend that. But, YOU are a priceless gem. By the fact that you went to great expense to find him, choose him and bring him home says a lot. Hey, come to think of it...didn't Jesus do that? C'mon whose your real Daddy? Aren't you adopted?

[Corraleno]

I worry that my friends with adopted kids (please don't flame me -- I'm just being honest) are setting their kids up to feel this way by talking about it so much. I think if my parents had talked about my "other parents" so frequently, I would have felt like a foreigner in the family.

 

I couldn't agree more! I have an adopted (Asian) daughter, and I used to be on a lot of international adoption lists, and honestly the attitudes of many of the adoptive parents just made me cringe. SO many parents were making adoption the focus of their entire lives, and their child's life: decorating the child's room like a theme park version of their birth culture; having big annual "Gotcha Day" celebrations (that term still makes wince); having framed photos of the child's birth family or orphanage staff in their bedroom; constantly telling the child how much their birthmother loved them, etc. And if I, or anyone else, gently suggested that maybe reminding a child of their adoption every single day of their life, and constantly pointing it out to strangers/classmates/teachers might not be the child's choice ~ whoa, the flames would come thick and fast!

 

It really goes back to what another poster said: "don't make it all about YOU [the parent]." For many adoptive parents, adoption day was one of the happiest days of their lives ~ but to a child it's a constant reminder of how different they are. I've known parents who even set up "Adoption Day" celebrations at their child's school, complete with cupcakes & goodie bags ~ and a presentation from Mommy about the child's adoption story and how great adoption is. That just seems incredibly insensitive to me, like putting a big neon "I'M DIFFERENT" sign on a child!

 

The contrast between attitudes on the lists for adoptive parents, and the lists for adult adoptees, was pretty stark. Most adult adoptees I've talked to, both IRL and online, feel that a child's adoption story belongs to the child, and it is entirely up to the child how much is shared, with whom, etc. That also means that the child has the right to know their adoption story, even if the truth is painful, and that withholding the truth is tantamount to robbing the child of part of his or her identity. Many adoptees even said that you should NOT tell children that their birthparents "loved them very much" unless you know for sure that that's the truth. Adoptees who grew up being told this, only to later discover that their birthmother was in fact a prostitute/drug addict, or a rape victim, or something decidedly less romantic than what they were told, have been quite angry about being lied to.

 

Jackie

[Denisemomof4]

It really goes back to what another poster said: "don't make it all about YOU [the parent]." For many adoptive parents, adoption day was one of the happiest days of their lives ~ but to a child it's a constant reminder of how different they are. I've known parents who even set up "Adoption Day" celebrations at their child's school, complete with cupcakes & goodie bags ~ and a presentation from Mommy about the child's adoption story and how great adoption is. That just seems incredibly insensitive to me, like putting a big neon "I'M DIFFERENT" sign on a child!

 

 

Jackie

 

:eek::eek::eek: Oh I hope the CHILD had a say in the that!!!

 

I agree, the child should have control of what is said and what isn't said. I sometimes just wish people would LEAVE US ALONE. Heather Forbes told me it's SO unfair for people to single out my Chinese daughter and dote all over her. People are being nice, but they truly don't realize that she's thinking, "You're treating me different because I AM different. Thank you for pointing that out to me. AGAIN." :cursing:

[LibraryLover]

At all stages, listen to your child. Do not be afraid. Answer his questions the best you can.

 

Nothing is a sure thing. Some parents won't ask questions and will wait for their child to ask them, but the child never asks, but wants to ask, and there is a lifetime of confusion. Some children will ask questions and their parents will freak out. Some kids are wanting to ask things but are afraid to ask. Some kids will ask and be answered and feel assured, and some will feel they have betrayed their adopted parents by asking. Some will never wonder and will never ask. It's not posted on the forehead which child is which.

 

It's not easy. I have heard every story. The child who asked and wasn't answered, the child who wanted to ask but felt he couldn't, the child who was afraid to ask and felt ignored, the child who was asked and was made to feel ashamed for asking. The child who asked and was answered, and the child who never asked and never wanted more.

 

The reality is that each child will have their own need.

 

Familial communication, openness "what would you like to know, if anything', and connection is what will see us through the good and the difficult.

 

Imo, going through the difficult with respect and care will only strengthen family bonds. Ignoring or denying is what weakens families.

it's not an easy road. The more open a parent/child relationship, the better chance we have to come out of this connected.

 

 

 

 

Wow, this is really a complicated issue. It seems that for every adoption situation there is a different range of feelings. My dh is adopted, has always known and has never even "blinked" about it. Seriously, he has no issues whatsoever about being adopted, no desire to locate his bio mom, actually forgets most of the time that he is adopted. But it is a little easier becuase there isn't the race issue.

 

There is no way to NOT tell my ds he is adopted...he is Asian and we are not. What's funny is I have had people ACTUALLY ask me if we are going to tell him he is adopted. I was like, "Ummm....what?"

 

I waffle between not wanting to turn it into a big issue if it isn't one but not minimizing it either. I don't know if that makes sense but...well...I don't want to talk all the time about him being adopted but I don't want to avoid the topic either. I don't want it to completely define who he is but I want to respect that it IS part of who he is. AHHHHH!!!!!! This is so HARD.

Edited October 14, 2009 by LibraryLover

[Julie in MN]

Wow, this is really a complicated issue. It seems that for every adoption situation there is a different range of feelings. My dh is adopted, has always known and has never even "blinked" about it. Seriously, he has no issues whatsoever about being adopted, no desire to locate his bio mom, actually forgets most of the time that he is adopted. But it is a little easier becuase there isn't the race issue.

 

There is no way to NOT tell my ds he is adopted...he is Asian and we are not. What's funny is I have had people ACTUALLY ask me if we are going to tell him he is adopted. I was like, "Ummm....what?"

 

I waffle between not wanting to turn it into a big issue if it isn't one but not minimizing it either. I don't know if that makes sense but...well...I don't want to talk all the time about him being adopted but I don't want to avoid the topic either. I don't want it to completely define who he is but I want to respect that it IS part of who he is. AHHHHH!!!!!! This is so HARD.

 

Heather,

Too funny about folks asking if you're going to tell him... at least you've got that one out of the way, eh?!

 

We have a lot of adoption issues in our family. I'm a birthmother, my birthdaughter is a birthmother (and an adoptee of course), and we all have kids who were not adopted mixed in all over, too.

 

I hope I'm not interrupting your conversation with adoptive moms, but I thought I'd share the mindset that works for all the kids in our extended family(s).

 

Instead of trying to fit our complicated family into a simple framework, we instead consider ourselves to have an ordinarily complicated family.

 

Most of the kids in our neighborhood have step-parents and half-siblings or disappearing fathers who never married the mothers and on & on. We have a couple of deceased parents in our family, too. So we handle the adoption issues in our family(s) by acting as if it is simply usual to be unusual. We behave no differently in talking about adoption than we do when we ask a friend if he needs to be dropped off at his mom's or his dad's house today. We openly discuss things from awkward vocabulary to painful situations whenever they crop up, but we also discuss blessings. We have candid conversations... and we also ignore things that don't really need discussing ad nauseum.

 

I think this mindset has helped not only the kids in my very extended family, but the kids from other neighborhood families -- who have always seemed to spend a lot of time at our house over the last 25 years that we've been raising kids.

 

The older you get, the more out-of-the-ordinary situations will surround you in this imperfect world - even in those families where you would least expect it. It feels pretty ordinary these days to have a family that's not simple to explain. And I think it is healthy for kids to grow up knowing that life may not turn out in a cookie-cutter mold with every little picket fence they had planned on, but yet they can live their lives in the hand of God and have plenty of love to go around!

 

Julie

 

P.S. Age 5 is the age my kids started to really understand some basics of life -- such as death. There will be different milestones like this that will be tough, but they are typical of all kids.

Edited October 14, 2009 by Julie in MN

[Corraleno]

It feels pretty ordinary these days to have a family that's not simple to explain. And I think it is healthy for kids to grow up knowing that life may not turn out in a cookie-cutter mold with every little picket fence they had planned on

 

:iagree:

As far as we're concerned, we are a perfectly normal family. Homeschooling is perfectly normal; raising animals and organic vegies and dong barn chores every day is perfectly normal; having an autistic 80 yo relative live with you part time is perfectly normal; being gifted and dyslexic (DS11) is perfectly normal; and so is being adopted. :001_smile:

 

My daughter is 7 and I've always answered her questions in a truthful but matter-of-fact way. When she was 4 she asked "how did I get out of your tummy?" and I told her that actually she grew in someone else's tummy because after DS was born I wasn't able to have any more babies. She asked if I ever met "the lady who borned me" and I explained that although I didn't have any specific information about her, sometimes in that country women who are very very poor, or unmarried, or both, aren't able to take care of their babies, so they take them to a safe place where they can find a new family who wants a baby very much and can take good care of them. And since I couldn't grow any more babies in my own tummy, I was searching for a baby who needed a family, and she was waiting for a family who needed a baby, and we found each other! I tell her every. single. day. that I'm so glad she's my little girl and I'm so lucky to be her mama, and she tells me that she's so happy I'm her mama, too. I tell my bio son the exact same thing ~ it's got nothing to do with how my kids became my kids, I just want them to know how incredibly lucky I feel to have them. :001_wub:

 

(BTW, I don't use the term "birthmother" with DD, because I think the idea of having "another mother" is very confusing to kids at this age.)

 

DD loves to hear the story of how I jumped out of my chair and yelled "That's my daughter!" the first time I saw her photo, or how I felt the first time I held her, or how she peed all over her daddy in the orphanage (LOL). She's seen photos of herself as a baby in the orphanage, but as far as she's concerned, her life really started when we found each other. I'm sure when she's older she will have more questions, but for now her adoption is just a very minor ~ and perfectly normal ~ fact of life. Her daddy and her brother were born in Europe, her mama was born in the US, and she was born in Asia. Some of her friends have step-parents or single parents or "two mommies" or adoptive parents. She knows there are many ways to make a family, and to her it's all perfectly normal and no big deal.

 

Jackie

[LibraryLover]

:iagree:

As far as we're concerned, we are a perfectly normal family. Homeschooling is perfectly normal; raising animals and organic vegies and dong barn chores every day is perfectly normal; having an autistic 80 yo relative live with you part time is perfectly normal; being gifted and dyslexic (DS11) is perfectly normal; and so is being adopted. :001_smile:

 

My daughter is 7 and I've always answered her questions in a truthful but matter-of-fact way. When she was 4 she asked "how did I get out of your tummy?" and I told her that actually she grew in someone Elsey's tummy because after DS was born I wasn't able to have any more babies. She asked if I ever met "the lady who borned me" and I explained that although I didn't have any specific information about her, sometimes in that country women who are very very poor, or unmarried, or both, aren't able to take care of their babies, so they take them to a safe place where they can find a new family who wants a baby very much and can take good care of them. And since I couldn't grow any more babies in my own tummy, I was searching for a baby who needed a family, and she was waiting for a family who needed a baby, and we found each other! I tell her every. single. day. that I'm so glad she's my little girl and I'm so lucky to be her mama, and she tells me that she's so happy I'm her mama, too. I tell my bio son the exact same thing ~ it's got nothing to do with how my kids became my kids, I just want them to know how incredibly lucky I feel to have them. :001_wub:

 

(BTW, I don't use the term "birthmother" with DD, because I think the idea of having "another mother" is very confusing to kids at this age.)

 

DD loves to hear the story of how I jumped out of my chair and yelled "That's my daughter!" the first time I saw her photo, or how I felt the first time I held her, or how she peed all over her daddy in the orphanage (LOL). She's seen photos of herself as a baby in the orphanage, but as far as she's concerned, her life really started when we found each other. I'm sure when she's older she will have more questions, but for now her adoption is just a very minor ~ and perfectly normal ~ fact of life. Her daddy and her brother were born in Europe, her mama was born in the US, and she was born in Asia. Some of her friends have step-parents or single parents or "two mommies" or adoptive parents. She knows there are many ways to make a family, and to her it's all perfectly normal and no big deal.

 

Jackie

 

 

Adoption is 'perfectly normal'.

 

It's also perfectly normal to ask about your past and the people who share your DNA. The most important issue for our family is to be respectful of our individual children and their needs. As parents, dh & I feel we need to stay open and respectful. Each child in a family, no matter how they came to us, will have their own personal needs . We cannot confuse these needs with our own desires or needs.

 

We use the phrase 'first mother'. Not in a political sense but in a reality sense. Children do not come to us without a past. We've used the phrase birth mother as well, My children have no difficulty distinguishing the two; it's simply part of our family story and fabric, which is a lovely thing for us. Of course, we are a mixed race family, so we cannot hide, nor want to hide, the obvious. :) MY dc has asked "Do you think my first mother thinks about me?" Our answer is "Absolutely yes". That does not take away our love for our dc or our dc's love for us. Reality is what it is.

Edited October 14, 2009 by LibraryLover

[knit247]

I posted this post back in Feb. and will copy some of it here.

 

I was adopted at 1 mo. of age, and always knew it (my Mom & Dad told me from day 1). l Love my Mom & Dad dearly, and had a wonderful upbringing / life at home. Until we moved to Germany, I talked to my Mom almost daily and my Dad at least 1x/wk, and we regularly saw each other. I truly never, ever had the desire to search for my biological parents.

 

At the age of 32 (I am now 39) my biological mother found me. It was insanely traumatic for all involved. My Mom, especially, was devastated. I spent the next few months trying to figure out what the "right" thing to do was: refuse contact with my biological mother so as not to upset my life or my parents' lives, or allow contact with this woman who had obviously suffered for many years with the knowledge that she had a biological child out there somewhere.

 

After much prayer, I allowed contact. My parents were aware of this and it hurt them - especially my Mom - deeply. I saw my biological mother twice (7 and 11 mos. after she 1st found me) before becoming completely overwhelmed myself. I cut off all contact with her for several years. My parents were aware of this as well.

 

In 2006 it became imperative to me that I get all medical history possible, as we were going through some strange things with DD#2 (rare tumor on her back, amongst other things). I contacted my biological mother, and we have been in contact since. She is much more relaxed about things now and so am I. Although I know that she considers me her daughter, I still do not think of her as a mother. I do, however, like her very much. We talk often. Email often. And even visited each other often when I lived in the US (we lived in the same state).

 

My Mom & Dad have no idea that my relationship with my biological mother has resumed. To tell them would have driven a knife through my mother's heart. Christian or not, my Mom is human and the last thing I ever want to do is hurt my Mom. I truly have prayed every day and tried to leave this in God's hands. Strangely enough, the very week that my biological mother and I started talking again, both of my parents stopped mentioning her and never have again. I have always maintained that if I am asked I will not lie, but can honestly tell you that I am so thankful they haven't asked.

 

I don't think I should have to choose between my Mom & Dad or my biological mother - especially since she (my biological mother) is in no way a mother to me. It's so unfair IMO that I have to be soooo careful about what everyone else will feel or think. Sometimes I want to scream that even though I am 39, I am still the baby in all of this. I didn't ask for this yet I am the one running around trying to make sure that no one (but me) gets hurt. It's exhausting.

 

I also wanted to touch on what a few others have said. Firstly I didn't mean to leave an impression that anyone calls me The Adopted One (save myself). What I meant by that is that in some way I am always and forever reminded that I am adopted. For instance: when I was pg with DD#1 my Mom - who had never before insinuated anything other that the fact that I was the "...same as any biological child that we would have had" - mentioned that the child I was carrying would not be her blood grandchild. She went on to say that she was sad that she could not bear my father children and that I was so lucky that I could bear my husband a child. OMG - I have never been so hurt in my life. My entire life I had believed 110% that I was no different than a biological child. And then, wham! My own mother told me (in not so many words) that I truly wasn't the same as a biological child would be.

 

Another instance was at the ultrasound for DD#1. She was the first grandchild on both sides and both sides of grandparents were there for the big event. My MIL remarked how much DD#1 looked like a [their last name]. Perfectly innocent comment. Perfectly normal - and funny if you know what ultrasounds looked like over 8 yrs. ago. But it hit my Mom like a ton of bricks. I think that comment - and my growing belly - was what made my Mom realize for the first time that I really wasn't biologically "hers". I think she had to deal with her own infertility all over again when I was pg.

 

:rant: Another thing that bothers me like no other is the talk of "illegitimate" children. The word makes me want to vomit - literally. Now, I am 39 and my Mom grew up in VA in the 50s and early 60s. She has very strong thoughts on sex outside of marriage and the like. We were having a conversation one day and I mentioned something about SIL, who had a child outside of marriage and another on the way. My Mom "casually" mentioned that SIL's son and unborn baby were illegitimate. I expressed to my mother that that word is insanely offensive and "punishes / labels" a child for the actions of the parent. She utterly surprised me with her response that, like it or not, those children were indeed illegitimate and that was that. I figured she really didn't "get" what she was saying and said, "So, what you are saying is that I am illegitimate???" and she said - she actually said - "I made you legitimate." Infuriated and hurt beyond belief, I retorted, "GOD, not YOU made ME legitimate." She didn't mean to hurt me - that was not her intent - but it again reinforced my core belief that I don't belong anywhere (in this world at least) 100%.

 

In the back of my mind is the fact that I was not good enough to keep. I was and am disposable. I carried a child for 9 mos. in my belly, and under no circumstances could I have signed a piece of paper to terminate my rights to her. I would fight for her and fight for her until I had nothing left in me. Why didn't my biological mother do that for me??? Why wasn't I worth that?

 

Ugh - I hate these thoughts. Better get back to my kids.

[stripe]

I'd just like to say, with all due respect, that just because it's a transracial or international adoption doesn't mean the child doesn't have an awareness moment or ever need to be told s/he is adopted. So I honestly can understand that maybe Heather's son does not grasp that he was adopted. That's part of why I recommended the book about multiracial kids (Does Anybody Else Look Like Me? A Parent's Guide to Raising Multiracial Children by Donna Jackson Nakazawa, which I previously said was OOP -- it's not! hooray) because "race" is not obvious. In fact, the author (white American married to a Japanese/Japanese-American man) tells a funny story about her daughter assuming that the dad and brother are both Japanese because they have a male organ. I have had experiences with my own kids mixing up / inappropriately grouping sex and skin color.

 

Anyway, it's a very tricky issue, and I have had my own odd and hurtful moments with others, so I have really been happy to have had the opportunity to hear so honestly from so many different perspectives.

 

I don't know why anyone gets on their high horse with adopted children that they could have been aborted. So could everyone else. ??