PineFarmMom Posted September 13, 2009 Share Posted September 13, 2009 I have talked to my mother about the fact that we are "encouraging" our children not to date through their high school years. I plan to take it as it comes with this line of thinking. We're just not there yet, so I don't know how exactly it's going to play out, and I'm not going to be a militant about it because I can't be naive about the boy/girl thing. I don't think it's wrong or anything not to view it our way. It's just a personal viewpoint that dh and I hold. So I'm at my parents' yesterday and my dad asks my 3yo if he has a girlfriend. I don't think 3yo even knows what that means. Then he asked my 5yo if he had met any little girls at church that were his girlfriends. He kept pushing it. It was really weird!! I normally would blow that stuff off, but I really am not wanting my little boys to think that way at such young ages and dad was being pushy, so I said, "We aren't encouraging the boyfriend/girlfriend thing, dad." He ignored me and then started asking my 11yo if he has a girlfriend. 11yo gets shy about stuff like that and didn't answer him, so dad kept bugging. Again, I repeated, "We aren't doing the boyfriend/girlfriend thing, dad." He dropped it. We stayed awhile and when we went to leave, and he went up to my 14yodd and asked her, "What about you? Do you have any boys at church that you like?" She laughed at it. Dd doesn't seem to care about it all, at this point anyway. Mom and dad had just spent a few days with my sister, whose 17yo dd has a boyfriend. My sister does take it personally that we are encouraging dd not to date, even though I've been supportive of her dd and her bf. Dad proceeded, in front of dd, to tell me that he and my mom started dating when mom was 16 and how it was a great time for them, yada yada yada. Every time they spend time with my sister and her husband, my dad comes home with some new way to try to get in my business. Sister and her dh are loaded and give give give to their kids, while we don't have as much, so often it will revolve around how much their kids have, etc. Sometimes there will be an anti-homeschooling push. It all depends. It's very strange. It's also hard for me to just let it go after enduring him for a few hours!! ;) Are you ever in situations where the comments are so underhanded that you feel like you're wrong to take it personally but deep down you know it is personal?? It's like that!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Murphy101 Posted September 13, 2009 Share Posted September 13, 2009 I think if they want to discuss when they met - fine. I think asking a preschooler or any elementary kid if they have a relationship like that is kind of sick. No kid that age should be so sexualized or pressured into relationships. I'll proably let my teens date. But i don't think it is cute or funny to speak to a liitle one like that. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HRAAB Posted September 13, 2009 Share Posted September 13, 2009 This really, really bothers me. It's not just your parents; I meet people frequently who find it necessary to ask if my little girls have boyfriends. People at church, family, etc. I think they think they're being funny. But they're not. I feel it puts ideas into the child's head, it normalizes boyfriend/girlfriend at young ages. My now 10 yr. old niece had a 'boyfriend' in 4th grade. They take walks together, watch movies, even went to a movie w/his mom. They refer to each other as boyfriend/girlfriend. This is wrong, asking for trouble down the road and dangerous. I think I would have to ask them not to joke about such matters with my children. I do take it seriously. Janet Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Julie in Austin Posted September 13, 2009 Share Posted September 13, 2009 I don't think the "boyfriend" thing is the real issue--it is that your parents don't respect your parenting decisions and will undermine them with your kids. If that is the case, I'd focus on preparing the kids to deal with whatever your mom and dad throw at them . . . because it sounds like this isn't the first thing, and won't be the last thing. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kpupg Posted September 13, 2009 Share Posted September 13, 2009 Are you ever in situations where the comments are so underhanded that you feel like you're wrong to take it personally but deep down you know it is personal?? :grouphug: Yes. I grew up in a home like that, with an especially bad period while I was in college, but not quite out on my own yet. It caused my husband (then fiance) to quit visiting with my family. He told me "I can't stop you from visiting them, but I will not watch them do that to you." We moved 500 miles away and it was the best choice we could have made for that time in our lives -- just being out of reach changed the entire dynamic. Even today there is a tendency toward that behavior, but it is more easily defused. Thanks be to God it isn't aimed at my children -- if that ever happens, watch out for Mama Bear! :grouphug: Karen Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Murphy101 Posted September 13, 2009 Share Posted September 13, 2009 :grouphug: Yes. I grew up in a home like that, with an especially bad period while I was in college, but not quite out on my own yet. It caused my husband (then fiance) to quit visiting with my family. He told me "I can't stop you from visiting them, but I will not watch them do that to you." We moved 500 miles away and it was the best choice we could have made for that time in our lives -- just being out of reach changed the entire dynamic. Even today there is a tendency toward that behavior, but it is more easily defused. Thanks be to God it isn't aimed at my children -- if that ever happens, watch out for Mama Bear! :grouphug: Karen Undermining our parenting is a fast track to never seeing my kids again. I've seen it destroy too many other families to have any patience with it for mine. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Remudamom Posted September 13, 2009 Share Posted September 13, 2009 Next time he does that ask him why he feels the need to push his grandchildren into sexual situations and see if that shuts him up. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HRAAB Posted September 13, 2009 Share Posted September 13, 2009 Next time he does that ask him why he feels the need to push his grandchildren into sexual situations and see if that shuts him up. This is why I don't think people who makes these comments have ever seriously considered what they are actually implying. If they would think it through to it's conclusion, I would hope they would bite their tongue. Janet Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Blessedfamily Posted September 13, 2009 Share Posted September 13, 2009 I have talked to my mother about the fact that we are "encouraging" our children not to date through their high school years. I plan to take it as it comes with this line of thinking. We're just not there yet, so I don't know how exactly it's going to play out, and I'm not going to be a militant about it because I can't be naive about the boy/girl thing. I don't think it's wrong or anything not to view it our way. It's just a personal viewpoint that dh and I hold. So I'm at my parents' yesterday and my dad asks my 3yo if he has a girlfriend. I don't think 3yo even knows what that means. Then he asked my 5yo if he had met any little girls at church that were his girlfriends. He kept pushing it. It was really weird!! I normally would blow that stuff off, but I really am not wanting my little boys to think that way at such young ages and dad was being pushy, so I said, "We aren't encouraging the boyfriend/girlfriend thing, dad." He ignored me and then started asking my 11yo if he has a girlfriend. 11yo gets shy about stuff like that and didn't answer him, so dad kept bugging. Again, I repeated, "We aren't doing the boyfriend/girlfriend thing, dad." He dropped it. We stayed awhile and when we went to leave, and he went up to my 14yodd and asked her, "What about you? Do you have any boys at church that you like?" She laughed at it. Dd doesn't seem to care about it all, at this point anyway. Mom and dad had just spent a few days with my sister, whose 17yo dd has a boyfriend. My sister does take it personally that we are encouraging dd not to date, even though I've been supportive of her dd and her bf. Dad proceeded, in front of dd, to tell me that he and my mom started dating when mom was 16 and how it was a great time for them, yada yada yada. Every time they spend time with my sister and her husband, my dad comes home with some new way to try to get in my business. Sister and her dh are loaded and give give give to their kids, while we don't have as much, so often it will revolve around how much their kids have, etc. Sometimes there will be an anti-homeschooling push. It all depends. It's very strange. It's also hard for me to just let it go after enduring him for a few hours!! ;) Are you ever in situations where the comments are so underhanded that you feel like you're wrong to take it personally but deep down you know it is personal?? It's like that!! The part of your post that I bolded is the real problem. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BabyBre Posted September 13, 2009 Share Posted September 13, 2009 (edited) I feel it's SO unfortunate when family members (especially grandparents) try to undermine the authority of the parents. Any attempt at undermining your authority is an attempt on the sanctity of the family. My response has been to take strong control of those making the attempts and limit the oportunities they have to do so. It's very sad because it means grandparents or aunts and uncles, etc. don't get access to your kids, and vice versa. It doesn't matter if your beliefs differ from those of your parents, they're yours to teach to your kids as you please, and your parents' interfering despite your repeated requests for them to stop is (IMO and however subconcious) an attack on your family. We parents have to demand that all others respect our position by respecting it ourselves, or we begin to lose our effectiveness as a parents. Edit: Oh, and the way I respond to the "boyfriend/girlfriend" comments is that, "Yes, of course, she has many friends that are boys." Why wouldn't she make friends with boys? ;) Edited September 13, 2009 by BabyBre Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
phathui5 Posted September 13, 2009 Share Posted September 13, 2009 I think that when they ignored you and pushed the issue would have been a good time to leave. It's ok to let them know that you're going to cut a visit short if they won't respect your boundaries. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PineFarmMom Posted September 13, 2009 Author Share Posted September 13, 2009 I don't think the "boyfriend" thing is the real issue--it is that your parents don't respect your parenting decisions and will undermine them with your kids. If that is the case, I'd focus on preparing the kids to deal with whatever your mom and dad throw at them . . . because it sounds like this isn't the first thing, and won't be the last thing. You know, you got to the heart of it in a few words!!!:lol: I'm the youngest by quite a few years and am doing more radical parenting than either of my other siblings. Homeschooling is radical enough, but to discourage high school dating, of all things. <gasp> I remember once, about a year ago, my dad came over by himself. He walked in and said a few words to me. Right in front of my dd, he proceeded to ask me how long I planned to do this with her. I said, "Do what?" He said, "Homeschooling." I told him we would probably go all the way through 12th. He then questioned my ability to teach algebra & biology or something like that. Alone, I don't think I would have been annoyed. When it was in front of her, it bothered me because he was trying to include her in the conversation and she was hearing him question my abilities. I kindly shut it down, but I think the "kindly" part is what keeps causing the situations! "Firmly" is probably to be my new goal. ;) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PineFarmMom Posted September 13, 2009 Author Share Posted September 13, 2009 Next time he does that ask him why he feels the need to push his grandchildren into sexual situations and see if that shuts him up. Very good point!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Denise in Florida Posted September 13, 2009 Share Posted September 13, 2009 I would be very annoyed. I would double check privately that he know how you feel about it. I would also inform him that asking young children about their boyfriends/girlfriends is perceived as creepy. He may think it is funny but there are plenty of people who would object, not just his daughter. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lionfamily1999 Posted September 13, 2009 Share Posted September 13, 2009 The part of your post that I bolded is the real problem. :iagree: Wow, you really nailed that. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JVA Posted September 13, 2009 Share Posted September 13, 2009 The real issue is that your father is being disrespectful to YOU and your dh. Especially since you tried to steer him away from the discussion..... Your children are young....you don't want this to escalate. Have you heard of the Boundaries books? I'm sure your library has them. Arm yourself. http://www.amazon.com/Boundaries-When-Take-Control-Your/dp/B001AN8BAC/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1252867271&sr=1-2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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