Irate Recommender...how to help ds?

[OLG]

My ds asked one of his college teachers to write an LOR using the Common Application. Apparently, the recommender had extreme difficulty doing this online (but never asked for help or mentioned this to ds) and lashed out at ds via email about how home schooling is a scam, it doesn't allow students to be "themselves" doesn't give then the right "ambiance" (yes!) etc. etc. etc. Then he attacks me, the Mom for putting ds through the torture of home schooling and says he just cannot write an LOR for a home schooler.

 

This is a guy who first knew the kid was homeschooled in January, was two days ago eager to help a "fellow" NMS Semi-finalist and who gave the kid an "A" in class.

 

First, I could spit nails but more importantly ds is crushed and shaken not to mention that his Dad isn't rising to the occasion. I know it is best to just let it all go and this is helping "that", thank you ladies! I know the guy is probably either off balance or saving face by using the home schooling thing..etc. etc. Yet, how do I heal the wounds for ds????

 

One whipped mom,

Mary

[elegantlion]

While that truly sucks, it's probably a blessing he couldn't get the LOR written. Doesn't sound like a association you want in the long run.

 

Sounds like a good turn for a life lesson. Sometimes people we thought we could trust let us down. People are free to say what they please, doesn't mean any of it is true. :grouphug:

[Ravin]

I think I would use this as a chance to discuss with DS about how some people are +++holes and that's part of life. I'd be tempted to go down and give the prof a piece of my mind, but I doubt he'd learn anything from it. If I thought DS was up to it, I'd encourage him to do so, but otherwise I'd just encourage him to move on and find someone else to write the LOR.

[gingersmom]

I think I would include it in a college essay (Title: Why college professors need to learn some professionalism)

 

Its awful that a teacher would act like that but unfortunately there are stupid teachers out there. I guess your son just learned a life lesson. I am sure one he will never forget.

 

I hope he finds someone else to write a letter.

[danielle]

A lot of times some of us who are hot reactors:D blow up and then feel really stupid later on. Maybe it would be worth asking for an appointment to discuss what "learning issues" prof sees in your ds--you know, for further planning, etc. Not really, but it might calm the situation, make him think, maybe do some good for other hsers he'll encounter in the future. Plus, it's a small world, and you might come across this prof again.

 

I'd probably have to be shot with a tranquilizer dart before doing this, but I think I'd try. JMHO.

Danielle

[OLG]

Thanks ladies! So much wisdom! And great advice.

 

Yes, I would love to talk with him but dh is firmly against it preferring that we just let it all go. I do understand that point of view too. Ds would never confront this guy, just not in his nature. Had to chuckle that he should write a college essay on this! Somewhere, someday this experience will come in handy.

 

Thanks for the advice on presenting it to ds. I do think that it will highlight for him how certain "communications" can be felt on the receiving end. Gosh, it's painful to watch these kids grow in circumstances like this. But, I guess we all go through them and bad memories fade. My mother used to say "just offer it up"!

 

Have since learned, thanks to yet another email from the guy, that he is leaving town because of the "myopic, me, me , me" attitude of everyone.....

It is doubtful that we will encounter him again. He is a screenwriter by trade and somehow I don't see us following the Hollywood crowd. All in all, we can get another recommender with credentials that fit the college profile better but originally this guy was so eager to help. Live and learn! (I do share his frustration with the Common App though!!)

 

Thanks again,

Mary

Edited September 10, 2009 by OLG
Pesky typos

[Robin in DFW]

he was just incapable of writing the LOR and instead of admitting his own inadequacies in this area, decided to direct attention to something else to get him off the hook.

 

Your ds is probably better off having someone a bit more "stable" write up something as important as an LOR. Sounds like the instructor has issues of his own.

 

R

[Guest Katia]

It's a good thing he's leaving town. If he were staying, I would say keep the emails, make copies and take them to whomever is in charge at the college and let them know about this professor's unprofessional conduct towards a student. I know our college would want to know and would take action. I might go ahead and do this even if he is leaving so that it can be included in his records and be a part of any 'recommendation' the college might consider writing for *him*. LOL. What goes around comes around, kwim?

 

Our kids have also had to learn, although a very hard experience, that adults and people in places of authority that you thought were supporters and could be counted on, let you down. Hard. And most often without any warning. And it will always surprise you and always hurt. Let him know it's ok to hurt but not to take it personally or to let it define you. People like that are not worth the ground they walk on.