Is there a point where "protecting" can harm...

[bettyandbob]

I tend to encourage as much independence as possible. I think it is important for a child to develop his own sense when there can be danger, when things are not right. Starting with going to the pool on their own at 8, I encourage independence. They do have to tell me where they are going. They do have to have previously demonstrated safety skills for whatever they are doing independently (consistently wearing bike helmet, crossing large road at cross walk, whatever would be required).

 

So, I see people on this list and IRL who are always with their children. Many children walk to and from the local middle and high school (about 1 mile), from my neighborhood. But I've had a few neighbors who wouldn't let their dc walk to or from school even though there were kids to walk with. I think this could be debilitating after a while. I mean if your dc is a high school junior and presumably leaving home in a less than two years, shouldn't they know how to handle a short walk home. And if you want them to handle a short walk at age 16 what should they be doing at 13? (One neighbor's need for safety turned out to be a need for control, which turned out disasterous for her relationship with her teen)

 

Obviously the presence of a sexual predator requires vigilance on the parent's part, but at age 16 that should include the dc and I think the dc could be included in understanding the need for more vigilance at earlier ages. I also think if you have a sexual predator in your neighborhood you should you look for opportunities to act independently elsewhere.

 

When they leave home and have always had someone else investigating and sensing safety for them, how do they know how to recognize a situation that is "off" and do they know how to respond.

[Stacy in NJ]

Our world is safer now then it was 20 or 30 years ago; crime statistics bare that out. In my estimation, modern Americans are way too paranoid about both physical safty issues and health issues. Our media, using faulty pseudo science, feed these fears.

 

We're infantalizing our children as we infantalize our population.

[Peek a Boo]

Our world is safer now then it was 20 or 30 years ago; crime statistics bare that out. In my estimation, modern Americans are way too paranoid about both physical safty issues and health issues. Our media, using faulty pseudo science, feed these fears.

 

We're infantalizing our children as we infantalize our population.

 

Our world is safer now because of the number of prevention programs.

 

yes, we can "over protect" children [and adults].

 

There's a difference between OVER protecting and exercising BASIC safety concepts like utilizing the buddy system. Known sex offenders are the least of our worries.

[Carrie12345]

I mean if your dc is a high school junior and presumably leaving home in a less than two years, shouldn't they know how to handle a short walk home. And if you want them to handle a short walk at age 16 what should they be doing at 13? (One neighbor's need for safety turned out to be a need for control, which turned out disasterous for her relationship with her teen)

 

<snip>

 

When they leave home and have always had someone else investigating and sensing safety for them, how do they know how to recognize a situation that is "off" and do they know how to respond.

 

I think it's a fine line that I just do my best to walk every day.

 

I mean, you mention the need for a child to develop their own instincts, and I would assume that means they should be expected to LISTEN to those instincts, right? So why should a parent, who has spent many more years developing their instincts, ignore them?

[Stacy in NJ]

Our world is safer now because of the number of prevention programs.

 

yes, we can "over protect" children [and adults].

 

There's a difference between OVER protecting and exercising BASIC safety concepts like utilizing the buddy system. Known sex offenders are the least of our worries.

 

We're safer today because we began inforcing the law and actually putting criminals in prison. The criminality rate decreased in the US as the incarciration rate increased. Coincidence, no.

[Peek a Boo]

So, I see people on this list I think this could be debilitating after a while.

 

 

not nearly as debilitating as being the victim of even an attempted crime.

 

When they leave home and have always had someone else investigating and sensing safety for them, how do they know how to recognize a situation that is "off" and do they know how to respond.

 

this is where you wrongly assume that there's always someone ELSE doing the sensing and investigating.

 

In our family, we have CONSTANT discussions about observing our surroundings and analyzing risk factors. There are plenty of times where I set up or remain quiet various scenarios and let the kids analyze the best course of action.

 

I've known several homeschool families that were "over protective" and they have strong, confident kids that have a good head on their shoulders and a decent amount of common sense. Letting kids loose to roam isn't the same as giving them a solid grounding for handling real life scenarios.

 

The last time this was discussed, i think consensus was that it's not the style, it's the instruction. ;)

[Peek a Boo]

We're safer today because we began inforcing the law and actually putting criminals in prison. The criminality rate decreased in the US as the incarciration rate increased. Coincidence, no.

 

source?

 

here's the last thread, with more links:

 

http://www.welltrainedmind.com/forums/showthread.php?p=996537&highlight=statistics#post996537

[ChristusG]

I'm pretty overprotective and have no problem admitting it. If something ever happened to my child that I could have easily prevented, I could never live with myself. That being said, I do instruct my children on safety often....while they are with me. It's my job to parent them and give them the necessary tools while they are still children. When they reach 18 years old, it is time for them to try out those skills in their own worlds. My 5 year old is a safety nut and knows more about safety than I do LOL.

[Stacy in NJ]

source?

 

here's the last thread, with more links:

 

http://www.welltrainedmind.com/forums/showthread.php?p=996537&highlight=statistics#post996537

 

Since you've already debated this issue to your satisfaction presenting my just googled statistics seems silly.

 

Argument my assersion is stupid, and I plead guilty, but I'm not willing to re-debate this today.

[Peek a Boo]

Since you've already debated this issue to your satisfaction presenting my just googled statistics seems silly.

 

Argument my assersion is stupid, and I plead guilty, but I'm not willing to re-debate this today.

 

I don't think your assertion is stupid, but it lacks a complete picture of what really happened to reduce statistics. Prevention Awareness programs are pretty key in the discussion.

[Ottakee]

You can be too over protective and then when the kids hit college and have total freedom, they just can't handle it well. I even remember one time Dr. Dobson said that when your child was a senior in highschool you should leave them home alone for a weekend. IF there were problems, better that you are coming home in 2 days and can deal with the issues vs. them being on their own in a year.

 

I struggle with this a great deal as all 3 of mine have various levels of special needs. I can't really leave them home alone together. 21ds can be home alone with cell phone contact. The girls, just if I am walking in down our road, etc.

[fshinkevich]

I tend to encourage as much independence as possible. I think it is important for a child to develop his own sense when there can be danger, when things are not right. .

 

 

I am the same way. My two oldest used to be in PS (one still is), and I walked with them up until 5th grade, when I started having them walk alone. I have this neighbor who would offer them a ride every single day, to AND from school. They always declined, as I've told them to never accept a ride from anyone, other than our family members. She knows I do not work, she knows I own a car, she knows I used to drop them off and pick them up - and still do if they have a need, or sometimes just for fun. It drives me nuts :glare:

[Denise in Florida]

Yes. I didn't read the other thread so forgive me if I repeat previous ground.

 

I see it as a balancing act between two risks. 1) Allowing children freedom and running the risk of accidents/crime/abuse etc and 2) protecting children too much and risking future abuse/manipulation.

 

Both sides are risky, neither extreme is good. It is a choice each family makes for themselves with the knowledge of their children/neighborhood etc.

 

I respect other families right to make this decision for their children and do not knowingly contradict them.

 

I am not always given the same respect. I fall more to the side that over-protection is harmful to children. Some 'friends' make it a point to scold me for my carelessness or lecture me on my 'ignorance' of today's risks. I understand their concerns, really I do, but they are unwilling to understand or even hear mine.

[Laurie4b]

I tend to encourage as much independence as possible. I think it is important for a child to develop his own sense when there can be danger, when things are not right. Starting with going to the pool on their own at 8, I encourage independence. They do have to tell me where they are going. They do have to have previously demonstrated safety skills for whatever they are doing independently (consistently wearing bike helmet, crossing large road at cross walk, whatever would be required).

 

So, I see people on this list and IRL who are always with their children. Many children walk to and from the local middle and high school (about 1 mile), from my neighborhood. But I've had a few neighbors who wouldn't let their dc walk to or from school even though there were kids to walk with. I think this could be debilitating after a while. I mean if your dc is a high school junior and presumably leaving home in a less than two years, shouldn't they know how to handle a short walk home. And if you want them to handle a short walk at age 16 what should they be doing at 13? (One neighbor's need for safety turned out to be a need for control, which turned out disasterous for her relationship with her teen)

 

Obviously the presence of a sexual predator requires vigilance on the parent's part, but at age 16 that should include the dc and I think the dc could be included in understanding the need for more vigilance at earlier ages. I also think if you have a sexual predator in your neighborhood you should you look for opportunities to act independently elsewhere.

 

When they leave home and have always had someone else investigating and sensing safety for them, how do they know how to recognize a situation that is "off" and do they know how to respond.

 

I think the release to independence should be gradual and tailored to the child. I left my children home alone at an age that I knew would fly with CPS, but was younger than a lot of other people would choose. However, for one of my kids, I waited 2 extra years due to judgment issues. When I first left one home, it would be for about 15 min. I gradually lengthened the time, made sure they weren't scared, etc. It's the same with other areas: curfew, driving, etc. I have a junior now; by senior year, I hope that he's pretty much got college-level privileges, with us here to monitor and occasionally give some input.

[Peek a Boo]

I am not always given the same respect. I fall more to the side that over-protection is harmful to children. Some 'friends' make it a point to scold me for my carelessness or lecture me on my 'ignorance' of today's risks. I understand their concerns, really I do, but they are unwilling to understand or even hear mine.

 

as was noted in previous child safety issue threads, the reason for that is usually because a lack in children's safety is not something that people are willing to sit by silently and watch respectfully.

[Denise in Florida]

as was noted in previous child safety issue threads, the reason for that is usually because a lack in children's safety is not something that people are willing to sit by silently and watch respectfully.

 

Thank you for the response; I do understand that, and if I saw a child clearly at risk I would speak up as well.

 

The respect I would like is the acknowledgment (from people who know me) that there are also risks associated with children being unprepared to handle freedom on their own.

 

It isn't enough to tell them what to do, they have to try it themselves.

 

We have built freedom and responsibility slowly since they were 10-12 (please note my children's ages :001_smile:). Each step was considered/discussed with my husband/prayed over, yet there were plenty of women who chose a more protective stance and were belittling of my choices.

[Stacy in NJ]

I don't think your assertion is stupid, but it lacks a complete picture of what really happened to reduce statistics. Prevention Awareness programs are pretty key in the discussion.

 

That was my typo...I meant to say argument by assertion is stupid, which is what I did because I don't want to google to find the necessary research. :001_smile:

[Pretty in Pink]

Yes, I think there is such a thing as too overprotected. I think it has been discussed here recently. Try searching "Free Range Kids" and "kids left in cars."

[Peek a Boo]

That was my typo...I meant to say argument by assertion is stupid, which is what I did because I don't want to google to find the necessary research. :001_smile:

 

here ya go:

 

 

 

http://www.ncjrs.gov/html/ojjdp/nismart/03/ns5.html

 

The NISMART–2 results reinforce the generally well known fact that sexual assault is the motive for a considerable percentage of nonfamily abductions. This suggests the importance and usefulness of combining sexual assault prevention strategies and abduction prevention strategies as a way to reduce the rates of both crimes. Recent declines in rates of sexual abuse during the 1990s (Jones and Finkelhor, 2001) point to the possible effectiveness of recent sexual assault prevention strategies, including public awareness, educational programs, and aggressive prosecution to increase general and specific deterrence

 

 

2 out of 3 are about education and public awareness. pretty significant ;)

[bettyandbob]

for the record, the pool is 200 yards from my house. It is not visible from my house, but that close. It is not on a threw street. I also manage the swim team. So, every summer the pool staff knows me and my family well AND I know them. This is not something I would do if my kids couldn't pass the required swim test (obvious, an 8yo can't enter without having done this), had to cross a major road, etc. Like I said if the kid can't demonstrate the appropriate prerequisite skill they aren't allowed to do it. So, going to the pool at 8 alone is not as ridiculous as it sounds. There is a pool further away (1mile) dd-11 said she wanted to ride her bike to this summer. We have ridden bikes that way a few times, so I know how she is making this route and the route passes by my mother's house.

 

All the activities you use to develop independence are based on activities your family already does. And it is a gradual process. But I raise the question because I know some people personally who take intermediate steps.

 

I also talk about safety with my children. I don't just throw them out there.

[lionfamily1999]

for the record, the pool is 200 yards from my house. It is not visible from my house, but that close. It is not on a threw street. I also manage the swim team. So, every summer the pool staff knows me and my family well AND I know them. This is not something I would do if my kids couldn't pass the required swim test (obvious, an 8yo can't enter without having done this), had to cross a major road, etc. Like I said if the kid can't demonstrate the appropriate prerequisite skill they aren't allowed to do it. So, going to the pool at 8 alone is not as ridiculous as it sounds. There is a pool further away (1mile) dd-11 said she wanted to ride her bike to this summer. We have ridden bikes that way a few times, so I know how she is making this route and the route passes by my mother's house.

 

All the activities you use to develop independence are based on activities your family already does. And it is a gradual process. But I raise the question because I know some people personally who take intermediate steps.

 

I also talk about safety with my children. I don't just throw them out there.

Defending yourself is like throwing blood on the water...

 

Look, everyone's parenting is different. If someone's kid grows up to be a ninny hung on mommy's apron strings, it could be as much from a genetic inclination towards clinginess as the fact that Mom either did or did not allow them to ever exit the front door unsupervised. IOW, I've known grown men that were unabashed "momma's boys" that grew up running wild in the hills of West Virginia and men that hadn't talked to their mother (who helicopter parented them) for years. I've known women that couldn't care less about their hands-off mother and women that clung to their "over-protective" mother.

 

I've become sure that all this debate is just to help people sleep at night. Parenting is always hard, no matter how much you cling on or let go. You'll never be exactly right. One day your child will say, I can do it better, and hopefully they will. Thus humanity takes another step up.

 

I'm so tired of these arguments. No one wins, no one changes their minds, and no one agrees.

[Peek a Boo]

Defending yourself is like throwing blood on the water...

 

Look, everyone's parenting is different. If someone's kid grows up to be a ninny hung on mommy's apron strings, it could be as much from a genetic inclination towards clinginess as the fact that Mom either did or did not allow them to ever exit the front door unsupervised. IOW, I've known grown men that were unabashed "momma's boys" that grew up running wild in the hills of West Virginia and men that hadn't talked to their mother (who helicopter parented them) for years. I've known women that couldn't care less about their hands-off mother and women that clung to their "over-protective" mother.

 

I've become sure that all this debate is just to help people sleep at night. Parenting is always hard, no matter how much you cling on or let go. You'll never be exactly right. One day your child will say, I can do it better, and hopefully they will. Thus humanity takes another step up.

 

I'm so tired of these arguments. No one wins, no one changes their minds, and no one agrees.

 

This is why I decided long ago that my participation on these boards is not to "win" -it is to share my views and opinions and information with ANYone, and maybe someone lurking can find the info helpful. THAT helps ME sleep at nite, lol!