Seeking solutions--what to do when the family schedules don't mesh?

[Halftime Hope]

For too many years, I've been getting, at most, 6 hours of sleep each night, and I just don't do well. Long term sleep deprivation is taking a toll on my memory and probably other systems as well.

 

Here's the rub, dh has to get up at 4:15 a.m. to be at work on time, and I really like to be up with him to make a decent breakfast and pack his food for the day; he eats a special diet for health reasons, and I like that quiet time alone with him.

 

On the other end of the day, I don't like going to bed hours earlier than my kids, but it is out of the question to send teens to bed at 8 pm...they usually pack it in between 10 and 11, depending on the kid. I have often stayed up at least til 10, and I hate feeling guilty for 1) either not going to bed with dh, because he likes the company and he'd like me to take care of myself, or 2) feeling guilty because I am missing out on the most productive, heart-bonding time of the day. My kids are more quietly, reflectively talkative at night than at any other time. They totally fit the stereotype! In the early morning before school time, they are barely able to prop open their eyelids, so--nah--no heart-to-heart then. I really resent having to go to bed, because I'll never have these years back, and very, very soon, my teens will be gone. Deep sigh!

 

I am just too close to this. Can someone help me look past the emotion of this :eek: and figure out some solution? What works in your family?

 

Thanks, I'm feeling kinda desperate.

 

Valerie

[Scarlett]

Can you go back to sleep after your dh leaves for work? If my dh ever leaves extra early I will go back to bed for an hour or so.

 

I get up early with dh (but only 5:45 or so NOT 4:45) and that is our best time of the day together. In the evenings dh crashes out as soon as supper is over and I almost always take ds8 to bed and read to him and fall asleep with him. Dh comes in later and takes ds to ds's bed.

[Melinda in VT]

Could you schedule time for a nap in the early afternoon?

[Jean in Newcastle]

My dh gets up at that time. He also has food allergies. I make his breakfast the night before. If it is cooked cereal like oatmeal, I leave it in the pot with a lid on. He will put some in a bowl and microwave it in the morning. If it is eggs, I'll make them and leave them in the small cast iron skillet with a lid on. He'll heat it up. I also make his lunch for him the night before and put it in the fridge in a bag for him. I wake up briefly when he gets up and will wish him a good day but I don't get up.

 

I go to bed after dh does at night. We do have a family walk every night after supper (at the mall during the cold months and in the neighborhood or the high school track in the warm months). Part of the time we require the kids to run on ahead so that we get some time to talk privately.

 

Weekends are a joy because our schedules mesh. I used to feel really guilty about not keeping his schedule but like you my sleep schedule was suffering and I was getting quite ill from lack of sleep. My dh has mentioned at times that it would be nice if our schedule matched during the week but he really does understand that with children (and my own circadian rhythms) that it really works better this way. And as he's seen me get more sleep and benefit from it, he has supported me 100% on this.

[ConnieB]

I've lurked on this website for quite sometime and I believe this may be my first post....but this subject is near and dear to my heart, so I thought I'd relay how I've tried to fit differing schedules/habits into our life.

 

It's not a perfect system, but it allows me less guilt. I "alternate" between my night owls and my morning folks. When I first decided to do this, I tried being "fair" and putting it on the calendar....now I just sort of go with the flow. But....DH was adamant that I needed to take care of myself even if it meant he had to either have a cold breakfast or none at all once in a while. But I needed time with my kids during those evening hours too.

 

So...do some planning ahead....make up some breakfasts that DH will be able to microwave, or put together himself quickly. Fix his lunch the evening before and he can grab it out of the fridge. Those days that you stay up with the kids, he's on his own, but not forgotten or overlooked.

 

And those nights that you go to bed early, set the kids up with some love of yours as well....for mine it's homemade anything...granola, cookies, or some of the other snacks they adore. I also will often tuck little notes into movie jackets, lol. THey don't have lunch boxes for me to tuck those notes in so I go with where I know they'll find them....movie boxes and on their pillows.

 

It's not a clean cut, 7 days for you 7 days for them....but it's more an ebb and flow kind of thing. The weekends DH and I tend to sleep in and so Saturday night is family night where we all stay up and watch something on TV or play some board games, or sometimes just sit and talk, or wander off and do our own things in smaller groups, but no one goes off alone unless by their choice.

 

If your health is being affected than it DOES affect the children and your DH....and go on ya for wanting to help yourself. That's a first step in getting help, lol.

 

I hope you're able to find balance....it's a fragile balance at all times around here, but it's worth the thought and planning so that I can alleviate all the guilt, and still get the good stuff with both ends of my family habits.

 

I look forward to the day when we can all be on the same sleep pattern again.....but until we buy a winning lottery ticket, DH will have to get up early and I won't make him do it alone every day.

[katilac]

Sleep in! Don't feel guilty, really.

 

My dh gets up crazy early as well, always has, and I have never gotten up with him. We pack his lunch the night before, and he's on his own for breakfast. Making his breakfast is a very loving thing to do, but he's grown and he can manage. None of us see him till he gets home from work.

 

This works fine for us. As much as the extra alone time with dh would be welcomed, I am not getting up at 5 AM every morning. Not. Going. To. Happen!

 

We get lots of family time, and a reasonable amount of couple time (because our kids are younger and go to bed earlier). In your case, you might have to schedule a date night to get enough couple time.

 

edited to add: I think that your teens are going to bed at a very reasonable time, and the time with them is so important.

[Scarlett]

Sleep in! Don't feel guilty, really.

 

My dh gets up crazy early as well, always has, and I have never gotten up with him. We pack his lunch the night before, and he's on his own for breakfast. Making his breakfast is a very loving thing to do, but he's grown and he can manage. None of us see him till he gets home from work.

 

This works fine for us. As much as the extra alone time with dh would be welcomed, I am not getting up at 5 AM every morning. Not. Going. To. Happen!

 

We get lots of family time, and a reasonable amount of couple time (because our kids are younger and go to bed earlier). In your case, you might have to schedule a date night to get enough couple time.

 

edited to add: I think that your teens are going to bed at a very reasonable time, and the time with them is so important.

 

 

But see this won't work, because she wants to spend evenings with her teens and her dh goes to bed early, so when is she going to spend time with dh?

 

Like I said, our morning time is our best time. Dh might come home at night and barely say two words to me because of his mental exhaustion. The next morning he is all chatter and we talk a lot while he gets ready. Or we use the time in other ways. ;)

 

I still vote for trying to go back to bed and sleep a couple hours after he leaves. The kids are big enough to get up and around by themselves and then you can spend the evenings with your teens without guilt.

[katilac]

Well, I assumed that the evening time would be spent with dh AND the teens, with of course her dh going to bed earlier. I'm assuming they would have a couple of hours after dh gets to work, and before he goes to bed! Enough time to eat together and have a pleasant conversation or play a game, whatever. And like I mentioned, she might have to work harder in this scenario to have regular date nights and chunks of time with dh on the weekends and holidays.

 

I'm also assuming that, while she enjoys the alone time with dh, getting up at 4.15 AM would not be her first choice. Personally, I only know what that time looks like from the other end (staying up that late, not getting up that early). My dh has the lovely gift of falling asleep quickly, and being able to fall BACK asleep quickly, but I would never be able to get up, make breakfast, talk, and then go back to bed. If she can do that, I agree that would be great.

 

I guess I just zero in on what the OP states - - those kids are going to be gone, gone, gone before she knows it. Because their bedtime is so reasonable as it is, I would hesitate to go to bed super early in order to get up with dh at four in the morning.

[Halftime Hope]

I'm probably try several of the suggestions you mentioned, and see if a combination of approaches will improve the balance.

 

:001_wub: Luv you guys--I knew you could help!

 

Val