mlgbug Posted July 20, 2009 Share Posted July 20, 2009 We arent supported in our decision. we sent DD to prek last year 2 days a week for social skills. now she is begging to lern at home. so w decided o homeschool her. im thrilled. but EVERYONE else is not, they believe she will be "more attached" and she needs the interaction and structure in another setting.... how do u deal with this??? its so fustrating. i have her signend up for soccer, but she does need more atteraction. she gets crazy anxiety when i leave, even to pick a pizza down the road! what do u think? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Elizabeth Conley Posted July 20, 2009 Share Posted July 20, 2009 (edited) I don't agree that strong parental attachment is a dangerous disorder. I think it's healthy, although there are times when it can be a bit wearing on all concerned. In general, I haven't seen any benefit from rushing children through this healthy developmental stage, which tends to last as long as God's design intends it to last no matter what adults do. Rushing the child through this only causes emotional distress to both the child and the mother. Why turn an emotionally healthy, beautiful emotional bond into a source of conflict and pain? Your daughter is more likely to come through this developmental stage healthy and happy if you indulge her. What's missing from your description is her age, but experience has taught me that the poor little gal is likely to be only 4. That seems to be a trend in modern life. More is expected of children earlier and earlier. 4 is too young for it to be sensible to rip her from your arms "for her own good". You have not expressed any distress over your lack of personal time. I admit to remembering when I really wanted to go potty with the door shut. I don't remember how old my kids were when this became a burning issue for me, but it seemed serious at the time! You and your husband may eventually need to figure out how to schedule a bit of time for you alone and the two of you together, but that's a separate topic. Enjoy your daughter, and ignore the fuss from people worried about her attachment to you. Find activities you can enjoy with other mothers and children her age. Let her interact comfortably with her peers, and observe them getting comfortable with being separated from their mothers for greater distances and time. She'll pass through this stage better if you de-stress the situation and let her work her way through this stage in her own way and at her own pace. Edited July 20, 2009 by Elizabeth Conley Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mlgbug Posted July 20, 2009 Author Share Posted July 20, 2009 yep she is 4. and to be honest, i think listening to everyone has brainwashed me thinking i needed to send her to the wolves (public school). listening to her ask to learn at home made me smile. i have to just block everone else. maybe one day she is gonna ask to go to school. but we are happy being together all the time.... someday ill go shower alone, but that day i might miss it. :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Harriet Vane Posted July 20, 2009 Share Posted July 20, 2009 There is absolutely nothing wrong with being attached to your mom at the age of 4. It's really only a concern when the child is 23 and refusing to contribute to household expenses. ;) As another poster suggested, seek a few opportunities for outside enrichment, but don't worry about whether or not you'll be there. Sign her up for soccer, and stay and cheer her on if she needs you. If you are matter of fact and coach her through, she will gain confidence over time and without trauma. There's no need to rush it. My own dd was very attached. There were many times that I could not leave her in the church nursery, and yes, there were naysayers who thought I should make her tough it out in that or other settings. I never really understood why that would be necessary or healthy. We just accepted her insecurity, and rejoiced in those times that she felt confident, and over time it worked itself out just fine. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mlgbug Posted July 20, 2009 Author Share Posted July 20, 2009 thanks. i know i made her tough it out for a year! i feel horrible, she was HYSTERICAL! but then had days when she was fine! mommyhood can be so tough :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Elizabeth Conley Posted July 20, 2009 Share Posted July 20, 2009 Parenthood seems to come with huge doses of guilt, and practically everyone believes they can do a better job than you can. If you're like me, and tend to feel guilt and self-doubt no matter what, the critics have an absolute field day. My suggestion is that you learn to blow them off as soon as possible. There will be many more parenting problems to solve, and some of them will be really serious! I'm not saying this to scare you, just to brace you for it. Learn to tell the busy-bodies, gossips and nay-sayers to "talk to the hand"! We can't build rational parenting strategies based on the opinions of others. Besides, most of those other people will be nowhere in sight when your job is done. You're the one who will reap the rewards or face the consequences. This makes your opinion far more deeply considered than theirs, no matter how earnest they sound. You care, and you research and agonize over every parenting decision you make. Hang tough! You are the parent. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
In The Great White North Posted July 20, 2009 Share Posted July 20, 2009 :iagree: 4 is really very young. You didn't say who the unsupportive "everyone" was, but really the only one that matters is your dh. If he supports homeschooling her, you are all set. If you're like me, and tend to feel guilt and self-doubt no matter what, the critics have an absolute field day. My suggestion is that you learn to blow them off as soon as possible. There will be many more parenting problems to solve, and some of them will be really serious! I'm not saying this to scare you, just to brace you for it. Learn to tell the busy-bodies, gossips and nay-sayers to "talk to the hand"! We can't build rational parenting strategies based on the opinions of others. Besides, most of those other people will be nowhere in sight when your job is done. You're the one who will reap the rewards or face the consequences. This makes your opinion far more deeply considered than theirs, no matter how earnest they sound. You care, and you research and agonize over every parenting decision you make. Hang tough! You are the parent. For the "busybodies, gossips and naysayers", search on "bean dip" and you'll find tons of responses to those people who feel they have a say in your educational decisions. There are even some more tactful responses for unsupportive grandparents. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mlgbug Posted July 20, 2009 Author Share Posted July 20, 2009 he's all for it. our families arent. i dont have outside friends so, that doesnt matter (im a sahmom and wife so dont hang out with anyone outside my family and his...) but do homeschool children ever feel they missed out when they get older and have outside friends....school prom? field day? class trips? i know i have such fond memories of school from my childhood, it wasnt until i got older that i wish i was never in school, but i was in middleschool/hs then.... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ellie Posted July 20, 2009 Share Posted July 20, 2009 Ignore them. Their opinions are irrelevant. And if you're just starting out, you and your dd will have to learn how to be together all the time. It takes practice. So *my* recommendation is *not* to get her involved in lots of outside acitivities but to learn to appreciate each other's company. It's how God made us. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Night Elf Posted July 20, 2009 Share Posted July 20, 2009 Humans crave human interaction. When people are isolated and not part of a social community, other people suspect something is seriously wrong. My logic connects this thought to your situation. Should your dd have a strong bond/interaction with you or with same-age classmates? Who would be a better influence for her as she continues to grow? I've read that children can encounter so many problems during the school years because their role models know nothing more than they do. Teachers rarely influence students because they don't have the time to spend one on one with the students. Besides that, students don't let each other leave the pack and follow the teacher without repercussions. If they do, they get ostracized and labeled. Kids want to please, and they'll do whatever they can to please the people they think will accept them and help them belong. Sorry, that's my long winded way of saying your 4-yr old is perfectly fine! As she's homeschooling, find opportunities for her to be with friends, but it certainly doesn't need to be 8 hrs. a day, 5 days per week. As for her being clingy, she must be feeling something either positive (she loves your company) or negative (she's frightened of something). My parenting advice, which I'll confess is very different from the traditional, is to let her spend as much time with you as she wants. Take her with you to the pizza place or the grocery store. Spend lots of time with her. This is a great time to get her involved with running a household such as shopping and cleaning. Kids that age love to help and it may help her build independence and self-esteem. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mlgbug Posted July 20, 2009 Author Share Posted July 20, 2009 thank you! All of you have made my choice to HS feel like such a right one. i dont want her to make the same mistakes i made, some almost cost me my life. my parents were amazing, but like it was said, i wanted to please everyone and fit in..... HOME THEY WILL BE!!!! (safe and sound, learning and loving :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Harriet Vane Posted July 20, 2009 Share Posted July 20, 2009 but do homeschool children ever feel they missed out when they get older and have outside friends....school prom? field day? class trips? If doing those things with a group is of value to you, then find a homeschool support group and plug right in. Another option is to invite friends to join you on field trips, whether they are homeschoolers or not. Having a field day with friends or going on outings with friends is just not that hard to put together. However, I have found that my kids love taking field trips both alone with me AND sometimes with a group. They prefer being alone with me because they actually learn and pay good attention to the exhibits or whatever rather than being distracted by goofing off with their friends. On the other hand, they also really enjoy having outings with friends. We do both, and it works well. My kids have not reached the age for prom yet, so I cannot comment from personal experience. However, I can promise you that your children will value whatever traditions you raise them to enjoy. More specifically, I am not that crazy about prom to begin with. It seems crazy to me that college-bound kids are spending soooooo much money on one event. Surely we can do better than that? If having prom is important, then a homeschool group can easily make that happen. It's just a matter of renting the hall, isn't it? On the other hand, what if our kids celebrated the end of high school with a trip of some sort? Or something that is uniquely suited to that child's interests and passion? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mrsrevmeg Posted July 20, 2009 Share Posted July 20, 2009 Do people really think she would be better off in a school crying all day? That is what happened to a friend's child last year. She started kindergarten and for the greater part of the year cried every morning before school, cried most of the day at school, and cried on the home from school, begging her mom not to make her go back. Homeschool may be what she needs right now to make learning a happy thing, not a thing to associate with anxiety. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mlgbug Posted July 20, 2009 Author Share Posted July 20, 2009 i know. it was a bad choice, but the days she had fun i was so proud..... ug i feel horrible about it. yeah prom is silly, but i used it as a general thing.... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dirtroad Posted July 20, 2009 Share Posted July 20, 2009 Socialization & learning to live with others are lessons learned from ADULTS. (kids teach the mean stuff & you have to deprogram, often) Play time is fun and some is good for child & parent! Mom gets to make new friends too. Our modern push for socialization at 2 & 3 is crazy. Our modern view of STRANGERS knowing how to take care of your child better than PARENTS is wicked. Four year olds should be attached. They are FOUR! When she is 14... perhaps clinging & crying would be something serious to focus on... not at 4.A secure home is the best thing for a small child... especially as you put them out in the world of "wolves". They know where it is safe & they can rest easy there! How in the world did pioneers children survive? One homemade doll from a corn cob & perhaps a puppy for companionship.... not to mention the real hardships. Stand firm & take care of your little girl. Teach her lots of neat things about daily life... feel, touch, smell.... teach her good manners & how to be polite to others... let her try & fail (brush her off & encourage her to go again!). As her confidence increases, her knowledge expands, and her maturity comes... she will BLOSSOM & you will be so proud that you didn't throw her to the wolves! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cedarmom Posted July 20, 2009 Share Posted July 20, 2009 My 4 yr old was like that. People said he was too attatched. I said he was 4. !3 years later, he enjoys going and hanging out with friends, has hisown interests, but we still have a close relationship. At 4 they are supposed to be attatched to their parents. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mlgbug Posted July 20, 2009 Author Share Posted July 20, 2009 you all are the best. thank you. its nice to connect to people who feel and believe how i feel. i guess thats why i never connected with anyone around here. most 26 year old moms i meet still go out to the bars! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
melis108 Posted July 20, 2009 Share Posted July 20, 2009 Let me tell you about my 12 (almost 13) year old son. When he was young, he was very anxious about me leaving him. I always made sure he was comfortable before I'd leave him somewhere. Sometimes that meant me never leaving. He wouldn't even go over to a friend's house without me for the longest time. I figured there was a reason he needed me to feel secure and I let that be ok. I gave him all the time he needed. Now, as he approaches his teen years, he is one of the most confident kids I've ever known. He is totally fine being by himself. He is absolutely NOT clingy now. I'm so glad I gave him time to become independent. He NEEDED that. I would forget what other people think and go with your gut. I'm so glad I did (and still do). Good luck to you! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mom4him Posted July 20, 2009 Share Posted July 20, 2009 Ignore them. Their opinions are irrelevant. And if you're just starting out, you and your dd will have to learn how to be together all the time. It takes practice. So *my* recommendation is *not* to get her involved in lots of outside acitivities but to learn to appreciate each other's company. It's how God made us. :iagree:with this post and most of the previous. When my oldest 3 were little I didn't have the sence to fight off the wolves. They have turned out good but so many heart aches could have been avoided. Our two youngest are adopted and have had a big set of issues to learn to deal with but one of the things I have been secure in is I am the best person to be their teacher and we don't have to be involved in tons of outside things for them to be healthy. They are 8 1/2 and 9 1/2 and both very attached to me. I can leave without a problem if I need to but for the most part where I go they go and where they go I go. We are a very important part of each other and are happy with it that way. There will come a time when they will be doing more on their own and gasp! even leaving home but until that time this is where we are. Relax, smile, tell them you and your dc are very content the way you have things and you know her better than anyone else. Just as a side note, this whole socialization thing, especially for the young is a very new thinking. If you do any reading that took place in the 1800's or even early 1900's you will see that the family unit was much stronger then and much of it was because they had each other instead of all the outside influences. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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