I don't have time to read all the responses....but here is how I solved that problem: I started making a point of KNOWING for a fact who used which dish. Then, when said person failed to use the dishwasher, they owed ME a chore. This went for my husband too! I didn't do chores for a week! Tick mom off and no one is happy!!! I actually had to say something to my dd13 the other day about dishes. It was amazing how fast she "remembered" to use the dishwasher! Good luck, Kris

I have a Flex and love it. I use the alarm every morning and *most* mornings it wakes me up. This morning, however, it not only did not wake me up but I slept through turning off my back up alarm clock. The cat woke me up 20 minutes after my back up alarm...he wanted gushy food. Kris

I agree. Specifically, this is a hand UP for me. Right now the only job I can find *might* pay me about $8 an hour. I've been out of work for the past 15 years. After I finish my degree, I'll be able to make $20+ an hour. The government is going to be putting around $11,000 into my education. It might take me, as a 40-something year old woman, a few years to pay that amount back in taxes, but I'll pay it. Versus what taxes am I really going to pay making $8 an hour? Now, let's look at my 16-year-old son.... in today's money he'll get about $22,000 in Pell plus whatever other grants he can qualify for. Pretend he does CC for 2 years and ASU for 2 years... he'll end up with $22,000 in Pell and $15,000 in loans (give or take) for a BS. If he continues with his current goals, he'll leave school with a BS and be able to make around $50,000 for a few years until he goes and gets a Master's. After the Master's, he'll make around $90,000. For the government's expenditure of $22,000, they will make much, much more on him in the taxes he will pay. He gets help getting the degree and they make more money, just like he does. Kris

The problem you outlined in Brazil is my concern as well. As taxpayers we pay for illegal aliens children to go to public school. It is (IMHO) the right thing to do because we do NOT want to have a class of people who are uneducated because they didn't qualify to go to school. Education is NOT free. Not matter what tag you place on it, there is a cost. Be it in work effort, in housing, or _______. There is a cost to education. Lazy people who are unwilling to work/learn... do not get educated. "Free education" needs to be free, like public education is "free" for everyone or else we simply have a continuation of the current problem. We have the people at the very top paying for their children to be educated and at the very bottom getting free education (which is where I currently fall), but the people in the middle (which is where I used to fall) having to struggle with finding ways to pay for their education. My ds will start college (probably CC) hopefully the first year of two of my Master's program. My income won't change (much) so he'll get the full Pell grant and sub-loans. By the time my dd graduates from high school, I will be finished with my Master's degree and be "gainfully" employed and paying off my $25,000 in student loans AND will no longer receive child support or alimony. I will have $25,000 in loans. Two kids in college. And be financially independent for the first time in decades. Quite frankly, I'm scared! If there is a "free" college in my children's futures, than I am all for it! Kris

Oh, I'm glad to see someone else respond to that question! Kris

The school my daughter is going to next year, a charter high school, insists on dual-enrollment. Thankfully, they also pay for everything except for books. I guess you just highlighted a huge benefit to my kids being in public school!! Kris

YES!!!!! I certainly do think it helped! I used Voyages in English from Grade K - 8 (grade 3 for my son). I know I learned *so* much from those books! I kept the Grade 8 book for my own reference materials. Several years ago, my now-ex-husband was taking English 101 online. He was struggling with some of the basic grammar memorization. My daughter grabbed her Grade 5 English book and showed him the answers. I wrote well in high school and did just fine the first time I took English 101 (20 years ago). But, I know my writing has developed so much more from VIE. Plus, when you add in the years of having to teach writing and grammar skills to my kids..... I'm glad I homeschooled the kids for my OWN education!! Kris

Well, I can't manage to multi-quote.....so thank you for the congrats on my paper from the other posters.... LOL, I can write but I can't figure the new-to-me boards out. That was my question for her! How bad were her other papers that MINE was considered abnormal! This wasn't a 100 level class, this was a 300 level class and they (Prof, her peer, and Dept. Head) thought it might be written by someone other than the student. I write well but come on, I don't write *that* well!!!! I'm not going to be winning prizes for my writing! Kris

This is how it is in my state. Two years ago, I applied and was REJECTED from the university I attend now. I went to CC for a year first and with my 3.89 GPA the university was required to accept me. The only consideration was if there was space in my program (there was and is). Kris

Oh! Reader (I had to edit your real name out LOL!) I TOTALLY agree with you. I would LOVE LOVE LOVE free CC offers, but I am also a practical person and I think this administration has to keep their grubby little paws off IF it were to work. It is a nice discussion and I love the idea....but I don't think it is going to happen. Kris

You have a point and maybe that is one of the reasons things have changed. I wrote a paper last term for a non-writing heavy class. The instructor called me into her office to go over the paper. She couldn't prove that I plagiarized, but she couldn't believe a student wrote it. I walked into her office with my 50/50 grey/brown hair and her jaw dropped, no joke. This class had about 93 students in it. I received the only perfect grade on all the papers (3 total). She said it was one of the best written papers she had ever seen from an undergrad student. This was a 300 level class. My 16-year-old son had to defend one of his papers last year. The teacher thought a parent wrote it. The education my children are now getting in public school SUCKS (pardon the French). Kris

I understand why people think that college is a privilege....and to a point I agree. But, have you tried to get a job lately without a degree? Upper education is no longer a luxury. It has become a necessity. Kris

Thank you!!!!!! I divorced last year after an 18-month separation. I am currently full-time at University and part-time at CC (because it is down the street from my house). The current cost of school is OUTRAGEOUS!!! I *SO* wish I had finished school when I was a young adult, rather than now as a middle-adult. My CC account runs me about $1000 a term, part-time. Full-time it would cost about $3000 a term (including books). University costs me $5500 a term (Fall/Spring) plus books and commute. Pell is only worth $5645 a year. I can only take $5500 a year ($3500 first year and $4500 second year) in subsidized loans. I have applied for HUNDREDS of scholarships and grants over the past 2 years. = $0 I could NOT get an unsubsidized loan or a private loan without a co-signer. My CS and alimony monies are not considered income eligible for 2 years (in another 18 months from today). The numbers just don't work. It isn't the educational world we lived in 10-20 years ago. Just because "you did it" when you were a kid does not mean it is possible for everyone now. Education is becoming a benefit for the very high and very low and very lucky. Kris

I discovered Japanese futons when we lived in Japan. I've been sleeping on a Japanese futon for the past 6 years and LOVE IT!! I have a bad back and I have no pain when I sleep on my futon. My daughter has been sleeping on a futon for the past 4 years. First: how much do you want to spend? My daughter sleeps on this: http://www.jlifeinternational.com/houseitems/futon/shikifuton/shikifuton_e.html You don't what to know what happened to her futon from Japan. I currently sleep on a futon from a local futon store, but it was custom order. Depending on where you live, most cities have futon stores. Call around. Ask them if they sew their own mattresses, or if they order them. If you find a place that makes their own, ask what it would cost to order a wool or cotton core, no foam or spring, mattress between 2-4" thick. Without the foam or spring, the cost should be halved from their regular cost. I sleep on a 3 1/2" thick mattress and my daughter sleeps on approximately 4" thick. My mattress was $100, wool core. Oh, and I do NOT sleep on the floor, neither does my daughter. Her futon is on a loft bed and mine is on top of several Ikea Expedit 2x4 bookshelves turned sideways. A couple of things you NEED to know about sleeping on a futon: 1) The Japanese put their beds up for the day, every day, plus they air them out outside weekly. SO!!! Depending on the surface your futon rests on at night, you might have to maintain it. How? Currently, we live in Phoenix area....so very dry....LOL, we are "very humid" right now at 30%!!! Daughter's futon is atop a loft bed, so there is air circulation, however, she has to remove the bedding/stuffed-animal-zoo/crud-of-the-week to air the top. I sleep on laminated pressed board, so I flip my bed over weekly to air for the day. Easy to remember to wash bedding. BUT, when I lived in a humid climate, I HAD to flip my bed in half daily. It was simple, I just put the head of the bed on top of the foot of the bed. Then, I did it the other way the next day. Made me very happy, I no longer had to make my bed! This is very important! If you do NOT air the futon out, it will grow mold. If you are planning on putting it on the carpet, I would air the futon out weekly UNLESS your daughter is a sweaty sleeper or you live in a very humid place. 2) Futons are VERY hard to get "yucky" out of!!! My daughter's first futon was purchased at this little futon shop near our home in Japan. They were wonderful!!! The adults spoke very little English, but their 14-year-old son spoke great English! One weekend my daughter was very sick. She had uncontrollable diarrhea and vomiting for about 48 hours. She ruined the futon. I went in and asked how to clean it. Snicker, that poor kid was NOT happy having this conversation through his mother and myself. We ended up buying a new futon. 3) Good luck with sheets! The futon I custom ordered at the local shop has been the best so far. It is sized for American sheets; it just isn't as deep. My daughter's futon (from JLife) sort-of fits double-bed sheets. 4) JLife Shiki (shee-key) futons are wonderful, but if you decide to get one, pass on the covers. They are pretty, but a PIA to take off and put on. 5) Don't bother with tatami mats. Good luck and feel free to message me if you have any questions. Kris

Thank you for taking the time to give me your thoughts. Thankfully, I have a good and rather open relationship with my kids; they talk to me. At this point, reminding the kids to call their dad is tantamount to nagging. Someone said, upthread, that I can't force a relationship more than they want to have with their dad. And...the more I think about it, the more I agree with that statement. Both kids have said they love the stability and routine I give, but I can't nag. Kris

Thank you for your input. I'm feeling very strong about the decisions I've made so far and most of the advice I"ve been given has supported that. Kris

Oohoooo!! Repeating and jotting down. I will admit to allowing him to tell me about how bad I was at having conversations and talking to him in a "proper" manner yesterday.... I was so stunned at what he was saying that I gave him time to continue. He got really mad at me though; I started laughing. It was not funny......but it was really really funny!! He hung up on me. I laughed for another 10 minutes. The kids actually already put a stop to him calling them to get ahold of me. My son told him to stop and then hung up on him. He didn't call son again to contact me. My daughter finally told him off a few weeks ago when he interrupted her phone call with her best friend, who lives in Japan and is very hard to get time to chat with. Thank you for your advice! Kris

Nope, since they were teens when we divorced my lawyer made sure this was excluded from our orders. Kris

That is a good idea. I hadn't yet decided how I wanted to deal with this, but I think I'll have one conversation with each of them and then leave it at that. Nope. That I will not do either. They may call him whenever they want (except maybe at the dinner table...you have to leave or wait). They cannot take his calls during school (I had to stop homeschooling), but that's not my rule! They visit him whenever he wants them unless it interferes with school. This Christmas is mine (we don't split Christmas break, just get every other year) so the CO says I get the whole thing. That isn't great for the kids though, because their schools do not have spring break at the same time (don't get me started on AZ school districts). They would end up going a year between visits with him. So, I offered 7 days of the break after Christmas. I don't know if they are going yet; he doesn't want to spend the money if they are "only going to be there for 7 days". He thinks they should come for the whole break. I think I learned my lesson on being nice. Bolded part..... I have learned to stop taking responsibility for his shortcomings. I have learned to stop covering his shortcomings. It hurts my Mommy-heart to see them hurt, but they have a great mom and I parent them and support them! (pardon my horn tooting!) But, I hadn't thought about trying to force my kids to have more of a relationship with him than they want. Is that what I would be doing by requesting them to call him? Yes. Thank you. I love getting objective opinions. No legal requirement for them to call. My lawyer made sure that was excluded, after all they are teenagers and that shouldn't be needed. He isn't giving them his energy. I think you are right with your thoughts. This is what I've been doing so far and then the little insidious bug made me self-doubt. I also feel bad because he is berating them for not calling. I want to protect them.... Bolded: THIS is why I'm asking. Oh, I don't take any poo from him.... well, I guess you could say that I listen to him mouth off and then give him the canned responses of, "Oh" and "uh huh" and "I'm sorry you feel that way" and "I don't agree with you." I'm trying hard for the water-off-duck's-back mentality. Oh, that's the worst of it!! My son (16) *hates* the phone...with a passion! My daughter (13) loves the phone...with equal passion. Neither like to talk to him. Thank you again, everyone, even those I didn't specifically respond directly to. You've given me lots to think about and a good indication that I was already on the right path. Kris

Second batch... YES!! This is a HUGE pattern in the relationship!! This is where my own therapy has helped! I started as a way to figure out how to best help the kids and through the process I've discovered how much of myself I lost due to him and that marriage. I never realized that the me I knew wasn't there. So, consequently, I have doubted myself. In this specific topic, everyone has been telling me that it is NOT normal for a teenager to "step up and initiate a relationship" with their parent. That is the parent's job. But, I really wanted some impartial opinions...and that is something I have always gotten from the homeschool boards (both this one and the SL one). Thank you for that! Joanne, I so hoped that you would respond!! I only just realized that I can't win. That was SUCH a liberating realization!! I can't win. So, why try! I will finish raising my children and I will finish my education and I will live my life! Yay! Thank you for the hugs! And, I never, ever, ever say anything bad about their dad. I will, however, NOT lie to my children. I will answer in an age correct manner. My daughter (13) is smart, like gifted smart and more importantly is a people person and notices things. She asks questions that are way over her maturity level because she recognizes there is a problem. I have even resorted to telling her that I will not answer that question until she is 18....I think she has a book that she is filling with those questions. Oh, this is what I am going to give to my children. Thank you!! This is perfect. It puts the responsibility where it belongs, on their father, but it also challenges them. You want to be an adult, start initiating the calls. I never, ever say bad things about their father when they can even overhear it. Ever. I will not lie to them, though. ....

So, I'm going to respond in batches..... Thank you all so much! This is SUCH a good way to put this! I'm copying the sentence and keeping it on my desktop (computer)...or a slightly paraphrased version of it: It is not my job to micromanage when and how often they call. I don't know that I'll say that to him. I'm sorry he isn't trying anymore either. He has a new girlfriend and they just moved together and have set a wedding date. He expects me to be jealous and care. I'm not and don't. Both kids have said that they do NOT want reminders, but I do like the idea. Oh, I hand the phone off when I make my "holiday calls" and expect them to make some conversation, which means 25 words or less from my son and 30 minutes later from my daughter. As for him....I'll respond to that down-post. Oh no, he doesn't complain that they don't call me. He complains that they don't call him when they are at his home and he is at work. Thank you! I figured I would get support here, but more important, good mothering advice! What a great way to put this (the bolded part)!! You know how sometimes you are WAY TOO CLOSE to a problem and you can't see the whole thing....that's me! I don't feel like I am doing anything wrong and neither of the therapists think I am, but his (bleep) little annoying voice has me questioning my sanity! As for your "what is this mean" question: He gets mad when the kids do not call him, even when they are at his house visiting and he is at work. (insert eye roll). And, yes, he chastises me via the phone. I get a "you will not" or a "you will" or a "_____" telling me all about my faulting parenting. For the record: he is full of crap. I am a *great* mom and he is simply trying to cut me down several pegs. He gets a "I'm sorry you see it this way. I don't agree with you, but you are welcome to have your opinion." At this stage, he refuses to use email to contact me. When I email him, he calls me. If I refuse to answer, he calls the kids and demands to talk to me. Both kids have gotten tired of it and I only refuse to answer when I'm in class. On a fun note, my ringtone for him is Darth Vader's theme song. But, let me add.... I am learning how to handle these phone calls and practice helps! He is like that 2-year-old toddler throwing a fit on the floor. If you feed the monster, it gets bigger. If you "uh huh, okay, and I'm sorry you feel that way" the monster, it gets irritated and hangs up on you. The immature part of me does NOT want to be the bigger person. I can say that here, because I do NOT say that at home. Although, they can't forget their dad's birthday...it is a few days after daughter's birthday. Thank you, I kind of agree with you. More responses to come!

Hello!! I have a question and I do NOT want people to just agree with me! I need honest and objective answers to my question....if I don't like it, then that means I need to change something. Snicker, even if I *do* like it I may need to change somethings! My divorce was final this past summer, but we've been separated for just over two years. The kids live with me and he just moved from SC to WA with the military. Anyway... he is a narcissist. No, he isn't diagnosed, that would involve his cooperation. But, MY therapist thinks he is and the kid's therapist thinks he is. To say that he is a pain in the butt is to be nice. I am thankful every day that we lived hundreds of miles away from each other. Both of my children have their own cell phones. Both phones have their dad's phone number programed into their phones. If the phone is charged or not is NOT my responsibility, that is the child's responsibility. If I call them and they do not answer AND the reason is that the phone is dead, we have "issues". They are allowed to call their father whenever they need/want to call him. I never, ever restrict their phone access. Well, maybe in the middle of dinner, but that's just being polite to the people at the dinner table. Having said that about the phones.... On to my question: When should children, boy aged 16 and girl aged 13, be expected to initiate a call to their father? This is anything from the random "I just want to talk" phone calls to the "it is your birthday/holiday" phone calls. Is it my responsibility as a mother to tell my children to call their father every Sunday? Is it my responsibility as a mother to tell my children to call their father on Thanksgiving? Is it my responsibility as a mother to tell my children to call their father when they are AT HIS HOUSE? At what stage are you reminding your children that they should call family, okay most of you aren't telling them to call their fathers, for _____ reason? I have come to the realization that I am screwed (pardon the language). I cannot ever win. So, I am settling for LIVING and helping the kids to deal with their dad. Knowing that, I have limited my "co-parenting" to something that removes his control over my life. This has caused a whirl-wind of bad poo to come my way from him. Just to add to the blah (I couldn't think of a good word) of this post, my kids don't want to call their dad. They will answer the phone when he calls and talk about whatever with him, but never about important things. This has been noticed by their father and my short comings as a mother have been duly noted and I have been chastised properly. For the record: I don't give a flying fiddle fart. His relationship with his kids is HIS problem, not mine. What I do care about is that I am doing what is right as a mom. I was never told to call so-and-so for whatever reason. When I moved out of home, I just started to call different people as appropriate. When my daughter moves out of the house, I expect the same thing. Now, my son, who has Asperger's, I expect to have to remind him a few times, but then dignity will set in and he'll do it himself...when he is an adult and not a teenager. General hive thoughts? Thanks, Kris

You've peeked my curiosity... what is the "power and control wheel"? Kris

I know I'm coming into this late.... Joanne, thank you for posting this and I hope you DO your nonviolent spousal abuse talk. I'd like to see it. I'd relate to it more than I relate to the TED talk you posted, though it was thought provoking. Picking myself up from an abusive marriage is one of the hardest things I've ever done. Kris

I was lucky. I found an attorney who required ZERO retainer. As long as the bill was paid in full within a month of her sending it, I didn't have to give her a retainer. You can believe I didn't delay any bills to her. I would recommend to your friend to call the local women's shelter and ask for a few recommendations. Ask at church for recommendations. Networking might find her an attorney who works under similar ideals. Good luck!