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Just Kate

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    Latest update

    in The Chat Board

    Posted · Edited by Just Kate

    I am very late to this thread, but I live in a more rural area and my family has started to go outside of our area to get medical care with some situations. Recently, I took my mom to the Cleveland Clinic to be seen for a bladder issue and it was very simple to get an appointment (online form…could request virtual or in person). I would imagine other medical practices are similar. 
    I have no idea where you live, but I just wanted to encourage you to seek another opinion. It is really very easy to schedule an appointment like this these days. 
     

    ETA - my brother recently found out he likely had thyroid cancer and he had virtual appointments with three different practices in three different states before deciding where he wanted to have his surgery. He got his own medical records and shared them ahead of time with each doctor prior to the visit. 
    I also wanted to add that I am very sorry you and your dh are dealing with this. Praying for you both!

     

    • Like 3

    What age would you let a child attend a funeral for a distant relative?

    in The Chat Board

    Posted

    I think taking any age child to a funeral is appropriate (with the exception of a baby or toddler, I suppose - I would still take them but make sure I could take them out of the room if they got loud or fussy). 
     

    My ds went to the funeral home (visitation we called it) for my very close uncle when he was 18 months old. I didn’t take him to the funeral because I wanted to be present and not have to worry about a toddler. 
     

    My kids went to my best friend’s funeral when they were 6 and 9. They both wanted to attend and I thought it was healthy for them to be given the opportunity to say goodbye to someone who had been such a huge part of our lives. 
     

    My parents always took me to funerals when I was younger, but they didn’t make me go up to the casket if I didn’t want to (open casket funerals). These funerals were typically of older people who attended our church or even family members that I didn’t know well. I think this was good for me. While I do have some anxiety about death (my parents, in particular), I have never been fearful or felt weird with funerals. They are just a natural part of life. 
     

    I would never force my child to go, but if it is convenient and I am going anyway, yes I would definitely take my child to this funeral. 

    • Like 2

    December weekly goals

    in The Chat Board

    Posted

    I’d like to join! For me this week -

    Purchase some new Christmas decorations and finish decorating. We bought some new furniture last year and all of my old decorations just don’t work right. 
     

    Finish Christmas shopping. Would love to get most of it done this week!

    Do my CE for work which has to be completed by December 31. Yes, I’ve had two years to get it done. Yes, I waited until the (almost) last minute, like I always do!!

    • Like 2
    • Haha 1

    Milestone birthday adventures?

    in The Chat Board

    Posted

    5 hours ago, Kassia said:

    can you share what resort you stayed in?  

    Hyatt Ziva Cap Cana (the adult side is Zilara). It was honestly the most amazing experience. The service was like nothing I’d ever experienced and the resort was just beautiful. Our (18 and 15 yo) kids had a blast - it was just a fabulous vacation.

     

     

     

    • Like 1
    • Thanks 1

    Milestone birthday adventures?

    in The Chat Board

    Posted

    I turn 50 in two years (right before Christmas) and I would love to take a trip with my family to the Caribbean. Last Christmas, dh and I took our kids on our biggest family vacation to the Dominican Republic to stay at an all-inclusive resort. Dd was only 15, so we had to stay on the family side. When I turn 50, dd will be 18, so it would be so wonderful to go back and stay on the adult side! Not sure if we will be able to swing it financially (like everything, lives have gone up there), but it’s something I’d love to try to do. 

    • Like 3

    Improving communication in marriage?

    in The Chat Board

    Posted

    1 hour ago, Ginevra said:

     

    A lot of what helped me was just getting really clear about what *I* was going to do in all situations, rather than having some expectation, which would not be met, which built up as resentment, which then made me snappy and irritable, which made him reflect back the same unpleasant demeanor…on and on in a vicious cycle. I just had to decide what *I* would do, make a statement about it, and then do it. If it was something he strongly disagreed on, I would take his objection into consideration, but this was still better than just wishing *he* would do the thing or care about the thing or make a plan to complete the thing and go on resenting that he never would. 
     

     


    This is probably what I need to focus on. While I feel pretty confident that dh is open to trying to improve our marriage, no matter what, the only person I can fix is me. Having unmet expectations (on my part) is probably half of our problem. Working on ME and MY communications skills is a great idea. I’m going to look into that book you recommended too. Thank you!!

    • Thanks 1

    Improving communication in marriage?

    in The Chat Board

    Posted

    2 hours ago, WendyLady said:

    I love this book and it has been helpful for my husband and I. I also enjoy listening to a podcast "The Virtual Couch" by Tony Overbay who is a therapist and has mentioned this book several times. I'm going to try to link to a couple episodes where Tony talks about his rules for a "Connected Conversation" that I really appreciate: https://www.tonyoverbay.com/1660-2/

    Here's an episode that talks about Sue Johnson's book and the idea of emotional connection in marriage:

    https://www.tonyoverbay.com/hold-me-tight-conversations-for-a-lifetime-of-love/

    (These links take you to his website but you can find his podcast spotify and apple)

    Anyway, I've found many of his podcast episodes helpful for myself and communication in my marriage, so if you are okay with his voice, I would suggest searching for more episodes that talk about the different parts of a "connected conversation":

    1 - assume good intentions

    2 -  don't send the message of "you're wrong" or "I don't believe you" even if you are thinking it. 

    3 - ask questions before making comments (get curious)

    4 - stay connected, lean in, do your best to stay out of victim mode

    We are not always good at using this method, but when we do, it makes a huge difference even with tricky topics. I think i'm so good at communicating, but it turns out I'm horrible at #2 and #3. But I'm learning to be curious!!

    Funny, but I’m actually traveling tomorrow for work (I’ll have about 6 hours in the car, but just gone for the day), so I plan to give these podcasts a try. Dh also loves podcasts, so maybe we can both try them. 
    Thank you!!

    • Like 1

    Improving communication in marriage?

    in The Chat Board

    Posted

    5 hours ago, TechWife said:

     

    Is any of this helpful?

     

    Yes, it is! My situation is a bit different than what I imagine yours to be, though. Dh works in the oil and gas industry, so when he is traveling, he may be working 12 hour shifts.  Sometimes he is working day shift, sometimes night shift. Sometimes the only time he is free to talk is when I’m working, so that is difficult. Boundaries don’t really work, as he is working a set schedule. 
     

    We have been dealing with dh working out of town for a long time (since our kids were little - ages 7 and 4 when it started). It has been 12 years and I’m actually quite used to it! For many years, we were just trying to make it - with him out of town, me working, and two young kids. During those years I really don’t think we nurtured our marriage much. But, if I’m being honest, dh and i have always had communication problems, even when he was home and he worked more regular hours. While I think that dh working out of town has caused our marriage to be more difficult, it hasn’t been the cause of our issues  

     

    Ds is 19 and living on his own in college. Dd is 16 and almost has her drivers license and is getting a part time job. I think it is just time that we figure out how and who “we” are as a married couple now. And working on communicating with each other in a more healthy way would likely be a great start. 
     

    I am going to read (and re-read) through many of the ideas listed here. I plan to share them with dh too - he knows we need to fix this. I appreciate everyone’s help!!!

    • Like 3

    Improving communication in marriage?

    in The Chat Board

    Posted

    Thanks everyone! I’m going to look at the book that @marbel recommended. It looks like it has a workbook too. I feel like it would be nice to have something to work through with dh. 
     

    I appreciate the suggestions from @fairfarmhand and @Junie  

    Reading these suggestions is making me realize a huge problem that dh and I have - he works out of town a lot. He used to be out of town for 2 weeks, home for 2 weeks. This new job is not as scheduled. For instance, he was just gone for a month (!!) but will be home for 3 weeks. This type of work is nonnegotiable at this time. He is also going back to school to get a certification which may help him to be home more in the future. 
     

    So we don’t have the benefit of taking a drive once a week or daily walks  (which are great ideas!). We are sometimes limited to phone calls and we both dislike talking on the phone, so…

    Also the kids are getting older (19 and 16) and I am struggling with what to do with my career. I guess there is just a lot right now, and I feel like it would be so much easier to get through the complications of this stage in life if we could actually lean on one another. I want us to learn how to do that. 

    • Like 1

    Improving communication in marriage?

    in The Chat Board

    Posted

    22 minutes ago, Katy said:

    My DH & I are very similar, but if the troubling fights are about money I’d consider a budgeting app that lets you track every dollar. Or maybe even taking a class together like Dave Ramsey’s class. As much as I hate funneling money to a man like him, and as much as I disagree with some of his principles, taking the class at church was helpful as a prompt for us to talk about money together. 
     

    ETA: if you have the time you could also get Dave’s book from the library and work through it together. I would NOT follow his investing advice though. He recommends people who make commissions off of poor investments instead of something smart like no-fee index funds. And I think credit cards are beneficial assuming you have the self discipline to control your spending and pay them off every month, or a month before interest accrues if you finance something for a 0% deal. 

    Thanks and good ideas!! Dh and I do use a budgeting app (YNAB) and it has significantly improved our communication on money. However, right now the issue is more with the stress of not as much coming in (job change due to layoff), so while YNAB is helping for sure, our stress is causing even more communication issues than normal. 

    • Like 2

    Improving communication in marriage?

    in The Chat Board

    Posted

    Dh and have been married for almost 24 years. Like many, our marriage has had ups and downs, but we have always managed to persevere and make it through. We have always had communication issues (even back in our dating days, really). I am a talker - he is not. When we try to discuss an important topic we both get heated and say things we shouldn’t. Afterward, we calm down and apologize, both saying we will handle things better next time. But we don’t, because we don’t have the tools to do so. 
     

    Have any of you done anything to improve communication in your marriage? I would love a book or program for dh and I to go through together. I know marriage counseling would be best, but we just can’t do that right now. Money is tight, which is part of the reason I am looking to improve our communication skills (money fights are the worst). 
     

    Or if you just have any suggestions about how you improved communication in your own marriage, I would love to hear them. I am so frustrated that we have not improved and am tired of having the same arguments, over and over, simply because we stink at talking to each other. 

    John Denver

    in The Chat Board

    Posted

    33 minutes ago, KungFuPanda said:

    I think he meant for it it be but he picked geographical elements that barely glance against the edge of the state. The rest of the song is more on theme. 🤣

    And Let’s Gooooooooooooo Mountaineers. 😬

    Yes, I’m sure he did. And Let’s Gooooo!!!! 💙💛

    • Like 1

    John Denver

    in The Chat Board

    Posted

    1 hour ago, KungFuPanda said:

    I’m from WV. We’re required to at least like that song. 😀 I do prefer James Taylor though. 

    I’m also from WV (and graduated from WVU - Country Roads is a requirement there!). Funny thing is, the lyrics of the song really aren’t about WV. They focus more on western Virginia. Oh, and I heard that John Denver had never even visited the state of WV before writing Country Roads, which was always kind is sad to me. I just pretend like that’s not the case and belt the lyrics with my friends anytime the song is played (usually at a party or WVU football game). 

    • Like 3
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