Uncle, ASD, and negative family

[Janeway]

It is very obvious to me that my uncle has ASD. He is exactly like my son. He is extremely smart. He remembers and knows everything. He is really in to archeology and worked in the field for a while. He has never been social. He has serious anxiety. He quit working around 50 I think and moved in with his mom. His mom is very negative about him, but quite elderly now. Other family members are pushing for him to move out and they have given him notice to be out by New Years and that they are putting his mom's house up for sale. 

 

He has serious anxiety. And it is obvious to me he has ASD, but that sort of thing was not diagnosed in the 50's, or 60's, or so on. I am worried about him. This is his childhood home. I am worried about the serious toll this will take on him and I do not think anyone is helping him or guiding him. He is super intelligent so that all just assume he should be able to get this. 

 

This is my favorite uncle. They also all live on the other side of the country.

 

I am afraid if I try to call anyone to express my concerns, I will be blown off as a little kid who has no clue what she is talking about. They all act like I am still a little girl, clueless, who needs to be "handled." They are abundant with advice on how I raise my children wrong..stuff like my oldest needs ABA (not, we chose not to do it, they can back off) and how great the public schools are. Plus, since they live so far away, I am guessing they would think I am clueless. 

 

Would you let this go? There is nothing I can really do? Or would you try to talk to "Bossy Britches" (my aunt who knows everything but has a very negative attitude toward her brother)? She is the only person I can think of to talk to. I am thinking I just need to let it go. 

[zoobie]

If you can bring it up in the context of you know, my son reminds me of Uncle Alex. I hope his siblings help him when we are elderly. We are trying to do so much to help make his adulthood successful. It's fortunate he was born now when we are educated on such things and not 50 years ago! Plant seeds for thought.

 

Otherwise, not your circus, not your monkeys.

[FaithManor]

I would not talk to family. Instead I would call community mental health for his count and ask to speak to a social worker. They may be able to help him handle the transition and find an appropriate subsidized living situation. I would then gather the information, and call him directly. If they can find a group home for him, he might very well do better because he will be away from the negativity and put in contact with professionals who can help him.

[Ravin]

I would not talk to family. Instead I would call community mental health for his count and ask to speak to a social worker. They may be able to help him handle the transition and find an appropriate subsidized living situation. I would then gather the information, and call him directly. If they can find a group home for him, he might very well do better because he will be away from the negativity and put in contact with professionals who can help him.

 

This is a good idea, except those resources may not be available if he has no diagnosis.

It's still worth calling and alerting adult social services to the situation, though.

Edited October 26, 2016 by Ravin

[Carol in Cal.]

I've seen this before, and it's very hard.  Sounds like one contingent thinks that he really needs help, and the rest think he has been enabled and needs to be shoved out of the nest.  These are probably very entrenched positions within the family.  Very tough.  I wish I knew what to suggest.

[Janeway]

I would not talk to family. Instead I would call community mental health for his count and ask to speak to a social worker. They may be able to help him handle the transition and find an appropriate subsidized living situation. I would then gather the information, and call him directly. If they can find a group home for him, he might very well do better because he will be away from the negativity and put in contact with professionals who can help him.

It is not something where he needs a group home. He has a college degree and is very smart and lived alone, including travelled, until he moved in with his mother ten years ago. Ten or so years ago. But he has very serious anxiety. He drives and grocery shops and has enough retirement to live on. It is just they all pick on him. They are so mean to him and don't even seem to care about including him or his feelings.

 

I guess there is no point in talking to people about being nicer and more helpful when they have this attitude for the last several decades against him.

[catz]

I wonder if his anxiety is aggravated by the negativity he is surrounded with.  Could you maybe call and talk to him and steer him towards a senior rental or community.   What is nice about those communities is they often have built in social opportunities all set up and if at some point he needs more support, they are often set up for assisted living kind of situations for the long term.  To me it sounds like he might be better off not living with his mom and she's obviously not going to be around for ever.  If they're both aging and it's large, it might be too much upkeep anyway. 

[FaithManor]

It is not something where he needs a group home. He has a college degree and is very smart and lived alone, including travelled, until he moved in with his mother ten years ago. Ten or so years ago. But he has very serious anxiety. He drives and grocery shops and has enough retirement to live on. It is just they all pick on him. They are so mean to him and don't even seem to care about including him or his feelings.

 

I guess there is no point in talking to people about being nicer and more helpful when they have this attitude for the last several decades against him.

If he really is functional on his own, maybe moving out may be the very best thing for him. His relatives' attitudes and treatment may be making his anxiety far worse. I would just encourage him to go to a counselor and talk about what is happening to him. Maybe they can convince him to have his anxiety treated.

[Plink]

Their attitude toward him is unlikely to change, so I wouldn't put too much effort on that front.

 

Honestly, he sounds like he would be better off living alone than living with someone who constantly insults or belittles him. Yes, the change will be very difficult, and his anxiety will probably spike, but in the end, getting away from the negativity could actually a good thing for him.

 

Is he seeing someone for the anxiety already?  If so, I'd encourage him to make an appointment(s) specifically focused on planning for the transition.  Being proactive can help to lessen the stress of changes.

 

On a more personal note, I'd intentionally make an effort to reach out to him more often and regularly say (don't imply, say it directly) that our family loves and cares for him, knows that the transition will be stressful, and are willing to help in any way we can.  I'd then intentionally ask him at every conversation "What one thing can I do to help you this week?" - By phrasing it as an open ended inquiry rather than a yes/no question you are more likely to get him to answer you.

Edited October 26, 2016 by Plink