Increasing responsibility and independence

[scbusf]

My DS is 10 and things generally come easy for him. He gets very frustrated and gives up quickly when something is hard. He will be middle school age next year and it's time for him to start shaping up and getting a grip.

 

How can I encourage him to take more responsibility in his school work and just in general? At the same time. I don't want to go overboard and expect too much from him.

 

Each Monday, I give each kid a spreadsheet with their work that needs to get done for the week. DS is great about getting it done and checking it off. I think maybe he needs some longer-term projects or reports or something.

 

I hope that all makes some sort of sense.

[Jean in Newcastle]

If he is good about getting his word done and checking it off for the week, then I don't see why he has to "shape up and get a grip."  As far as frustration goes, he needs someone to come along side him and show him the skills he needs to tackle difficult things.  So encourage him to "try again" or to "take a deep breath" and to "think of the steps needed to solve a problem".  Expect him to make progress in this in small spurts. 

[scbusf]

If he is good about getting his word done and checking it off for the week, then I don't see why he has to "shape up and get a grip." As far as frustration goes, he needs someone to come along side him and show him the skills he needs to tackle difficult things. So encourage him to "try again" or to "take a deep breath" and to "think of the steps needed to solve a problem". Expect him to make progress in this in small spurts.

My thoughts were all over the place, so I can see the confusion. He does get his work done, I need to give him more opportunities to grow. I have ADHD, so I tend to be a bit scattered, but I am working on that!!!

[Farrar]

It's always good to push kids to grow, but I agree with Jean that a 10 yo who gets his work done when it's laid out on a weekly basis is way ahead of the curve for the most part.

 

I think middle school is great for doing long term projects for other reasons, so I would say that's a good thing in general. And that designing and carrying out your own work is really the next step in terms of responsibility. Maybe you can get him some project books and let him pick something and then give him independent project time as part of his weekly work? What's he into?

[KSinNS]

Smart but scattered is a great resource. It explains the steps for all these complex tasks and helps you figure out how to teach them.

[PeterPan]

Just looking at it, it seems like you're trying to solve the thing that isn't a problem (his ability to work independently with a checklist/schedule) and not tackling the thing that is (his ability to problem solve and handle frustration).

 

People with ADHD or other disabilities often benefit from social thinking materials to help them work on self-regulation, perspective taking, the size of the problem, etc.  This might be a good age to go through some of the materials at SocialThinking.com with him.  Basically just go on there, use their search engine to find materials for his age, and pick what you think will be good.  

 

He sounds like he has a really good start as far as handling structure, working with a list, etc.  As the complexity of his assignments increase, you want to continue that structure.  My dd finds it frustrating to do EVERYTHING so independently.  For instance, she has three DE college courses online this year, and she doesn't have that experience of going in with a group of kids and sort of sucking up that energy and momentum.  It's very hard for her to bring that all herself!  And that's something in the ADHD brain.  They like novelty, but to create structure on their own is really hard. I would go easy with it, because as his own interests and hobbies expand they'll give him chances to stretch his fledgling skills.  Academics aren't the only way.  My dd is like your ds, really good at using her tech, getting things done.  It's just really HARD for her, really draining.  

 

So I'm encouraging you to be *patient*.  The things you're doing now *are* laying that foundation, and it sounds like he's doing well.  I spent a lot of those years freaking out, and my dd is doing fine.  I would focus on some of the things that you can see are definitely problems right now and not worry about the things that are developing nicely.  Like sure take babysteps, but focus on things that aren't getting done well, not things that are.  If he's remembering to do a daily chore, getting up every day and working through his list, keeping up with his friends or activities using a calendar, etc., then he's got a lot of good things going!  :)

[BlsdMama]

My DS is 10 and things generally come easy for him. He gets very frustrated and gives up quickly when something is hard. He will be middle school age next year and it's time for him to start shaping up and getting a grip.

 

How can I encourage him to take more responsibility in his school work and just in general? At the same time. I don't want to go overboard and expect too much from him.

 

Each Monday, I give each kid a spreadsheet with their work that needs to get done for the week. DS is great about getting it done and checking it off. I think maybe he needs some longer-term projects or reports or something.

 

I hope that all makes some sort of sense.

 

 

So, he's ten.  What you're talking about is teaching executive skills - like how to break something down into smaller pieces and plan it out, meeting smaller goals, yes?

 

Have you ever used IEW theme books?  They are handy to teach how to break down a writing assignment.  (Key word outline as Day 1, work on dress ups day 2, write the paper day 3 and self edit, have it edited and back to student day 4, and turn in the final draft day 5. 

 

You could do the same with a science text.  Begin having HIM make the plan.  "Hey, we need to cover Chapter 1 this week.  This has 25 pages.  How do we get to the test at the end?  Teach him to divide reading up into two parts.  Read part 1 on day 1, read part 2 on day 2, day 3 can be writing vocab, day 4 is filling out a study guide, ready for test on day 5.)  Then just teach that every assignment has a sequence to meet goal.

 

To me, age 10 is useful for seeing examples of this, like the IEW lesson above, and you pointing out this is how we break down a writing assignment to reach a goal.  Age ten is also useful to partipating in the planning (not doing the planning) as the science example above.

 

Age ten is not ideal for doing the planning and executing.  I'd expect that more at age 14 unless kiddo has naturally high executive skills.  (This is going to be the kid who keeps his room pretty clean or organizes his dresser/closet, or can plan what time you all need to be out the door in the AM to be at his class, lays out his clothes the night before some event, doesn't lose his homework and puts things in their places, etc.) 

 

And, if you want to know more about how to intentionally teach these things, Smart but Scattered is a book that would probably be useful to  you as well for equipping him to do planning/carrying out well.

 

 

ETA: I apologize for repeating so much of what everyone else said.  I didn't read the replies before I posted.   :blush:

Edited October 28, 2016 by BlsdMama