She's driving me crazy!!

[My3girls]

I just need to vent. My dd13 is a dwadler, a day dreamer, a procrastinator. I have tried everything I can think of to keep her on task. I alternate difficult with easier, reading with writing or an activity, use a timer, give breaks, send her out for sunshine during lunch, let her work outside on the patio, etc... I've let her have input in what she studies and what curriculum we use. Still here it is 6:30pm, and she still hasn't started German or history and only has her lab write up that is due today half done for Physical Science. I let her choose the order that she works on things until I absolutely have to intervene because she hasnt gotten to something for a couple of days. My husband thinks I should be able to MAKE her focus. How in the world can you make someone focus? I just want to pull my hair out, but if I get upset with her then she gets upset and it spirals out of control quickly. Gaaaahhhhhhhh!!!!!!

[Mom25girls]

Oh, I do feel your pain. I'm on my fourth 13 year old girl and it doesn't get easier. I think that a lot of it is hormonal. My girls have all needed more sleep , more time to daydream and a little extra grace. I try to structure my daughter's day so that it is very difficult for her to fail. VERY CLEAR expectations and consistent checking on my part. It's kind of like having a toddler. This does pass (although it may take awhile. I have a 14 year old....). Hang in there. Hug your girl a lot, try to engage her in her interests, spend time just giggling and laughing because...time passes so quickly. My first 13 year old girl will be 23 years old in a short number of weeks. GASP. 

[Junie]

It sounds like she needs some motivation.

 

Some things that have worked here:

 

No screens (TV, computer, Wii, whatever) until all assignments are completed.

 

No lunch until xyz is completed.

 

You may also have to let her pay the consequences in the grade book.

 

Some of my kids don't care about screens; some of them don't care about lunch.  You might just have to experiment to find out what will motivate her to get her work done.

[Tiramisu]

You are absolutely right. You can't make someone focus. You could change things to make the environment less distracting, implement time-management strategies and organizational techniques. You can change her to a diet that might make her function better physically. But you can't make someone focus.

 

You are also right that kids like this are usually VERY SENSITIVE to your emotional state. It is better to keep calm and not let her feel like she's being judged. It won't help in the short run and it could have a worse effect in the long run.

 

It may be the age, but If she's always been this way, you're going to have to deal with it but eventually just accept it and accept HER. Find a system that works. Figure out what motivates her. Or you could go ahead and get to the bottom of it by getting an evaluation that will help in setting realistic expectations given her strengths and weakness. You need to sort this out so you (or your dh) don't blame her (or yourself) for what's out of her control.

 

One of my dd's was extremely sluggish at that age, but she hadn't been before that and she not like that anymore at 15. But I had another dd dd who was like that and had always been that way. She had first eval at the end of her freshman year of high school because things weren't getting done the way I thought they should be. The end result of that eval was that I was told I should give her TWICE as long as the recommended time to complete a curriculum. Years later I got a neuropsych eval that answered more questions but wouldn't have changed that recommendation. I became very good at prioritizing during the high school years, since she had health issues, too. The good news is that she got through high school, did well on her SATs, and got a good scholarship to college, despite the accommodations I made. She just started her junior year of a very intense therapy program. Your dd can do it, too, but you need to figure things out and give her any tools she may need to be successful.

[MerryAtHope]

You can do things to structure the environment more that can help:

 

Make sure no electronics, pleasure-reading materials, and other distractions are available until after school.

 

Find out what distracts in her environment--things in room, messy room, windows to stare out of, white noise, lack of white noise, hearing other siblings, working in her own room, sitting vs. laying down... evaluate everything and then create a more conducive learning environment.

 

Structure with schedule/routine: Set time deadlines for each subject. Map it all out for her, including lunch break (not so much time of day, but how long each class takes, and how long overall. Then you can say, "So if you start by 10, you should be done by 4" or whatever.) Show her in black and white so she can see exactly how her day should run. Then let her know that there's no electronics etc... until her scheduled free-time--unless she has homework to do. The hard part is enforcing. Get her started, and let her know she needs to finish by x o'clock or X-thirty etc... Go check on her at that time. Anything not done is homework. (If my kids were close to finishing, I'd give 5-10 more minutes, but that's it.) Move to next subject. Get her started...and so on.

 

Then, at the end of her day, announce that school is done and it's free time--unless she has homework. 

 

At our house, homework was done at the kitchen table (which had non-comfy chairs). 

 

Letting school drag all day is too abstract, even for this age. Showing them concretely that they could be having fun and enjoying their pursuits instead of doing homework can really help.

 

HOWEVER: I will say that girls are notoriously underdiagnosed for ADHD, and it's worth looking into that possibility. Inability to focus on some things, even if she has a great ability to focus on others is a strong symptom. In other words, if she has ADHD...you can accommodate, structure, and help things improve, but you need to understand that this may not be her fault (may not be within her ability to control), and whether accommodations/structure help enough is something you'll need to evaluate. 

 

Breaking things down into doable parts, making time for exercise and outside/green time, some protein at meals are all helpful things too. Get her involved in evaluating what distracts her and conversely when she finds it easier to focus/concentrate. 

[My3girls]

Thanks, ladies. I am digesting all you've said. Today is a catch up day. I didn't assign anything new. I did give specific times and told her to roll to the next thing even if she is not done and anything not done will be homework. She's working at the kitchen table. I have to work today so Dad is home and being the time keeper. We'll see how this goes. If she gets it done for Dad then I know that she is taking advantage of me, and I am the enabler. If she doesn't then we'll have to dig deeper. I am glad for the break, but I feel kind of bad because he can be so strict and inflexible.

[mamiof5]

Hope today went well and will help you assess the situation. If behavior is on purpose, any extra activities she could miss because work is not done? Or time with friends that could be sacrificed? My 11 yr old would let work liiiinnngeeer if I allowed her to. It has been a process to get her to do things in a timely manner. It has improved through the years. Hoping it's just a phase for your dd

[Peaceful Isle]

It's hard to make a 13 year old do stuff she doesn't want to do. I know. Lol

 

Just be consistent. hugs to you.

[MerryAtHope]

Thanks, ladies. I am digesting all you've said. Today is a catch up day. I didn't assign anything new. I did give specific times and told her to roll to the next thing even if she is not done and anything not done will be homework. She's working at the kitchen table. I have to work today so Dad is home and being the time keeper. We'll see how this goes. If she gets it done for Dad then I know that she is taking advantage of me, and I am the enabler. If she doesn't then we'll have to dig deeper. I am glad for the break, but I feel kind of bad because he can be so strict and inflexible.

 

I wouldn't feel bad--sometimes a dose of how it might be handled otherwise can make a child more appreciative! 

[Mommy22alyns]

You must have the one-year-older version of my ODD.  The only saving grace is that she has gymnastics 4 days out of 5, so she will eventually get into gear so she doesn't miss practice.  Of course, if she didn't have to get out of the house, I wouldn't stress so much about how long everything is taking her.... *pulls hair out*.  I ended up giving her homework and telling her she had to be done by bedtime tomorrow.  She's finishing her last chore now, so she'll actually have a little free time.