FairProspects Posted March 2, 2015 Share Posted March 2, 2015 Let me start off by saying ds has been evaluated for ASD many times by several different specialists and they all agree he does not fit that diagnosis. That said, ds has had a very difficult year socially and emotionally. He went through this at age 5 too when the social conventions leveled up to school-age expectations, I feel like the same issue is occurring at age 10 this year for various tween expectations, and I predict it will happen again at 13-14 when social expectations level up to the teenage point. What do you do if you have a kid that is socially/emotionally delayed? How do you help them cope with expectations that are just not there developmentally for them? Ds always gets there as far as regulation and once he does he excels far beyond the expectation (at least he did by 7 for the school age conventions) but he just is not on the same time table. This causes all kinds of problems for him as far as attention, stamina, peer & teacher interactions, etc. His frontal lobe is not developed as would be expected for his age and he has issues regulating his emotions (super sensitive to every little thing), organizing information (and social cues), and is slow to process all of it, or he misses a key piece of info due to language processing, and it ends up as a hot mess of immaturity like crying in class or freaking out about another kid's comment to him that is really not a big deal. Academically, he is fine and/or ahead. But at this point, I really feel like the social/emotional piece is holding us back from various opportunities (like summer camp) or learning (even attention/stamina wise for middle school materials at home). Is there anything I can do to help him learn to regulate the social and emotional piece? He is discouraged and is starting to feel dumb because of negative peer & teacher interactions in this area. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Crimson Wife Posted March 2, 2015 Share Posted March 2, 2015 Have you looked at the Zones of Regulation materials? They're supposed to be really good. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OneStepAtATime Posted March 2, 2015 Share Posted March 2, 2015 :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: I don't have any helpful suggestions, but wanted to send virtual support. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
6wishes Posted March 2, 2015 Share Posted March 2, 2015 Have you checked out non verbal learning disorder? This sounds a lot like my 11 dd. I did purchase this book that was recommended and has been helpful.....http://www.amazon.com/Asperkids-Secret-Book-Social-Rules/dp/1849059152To read through with her. Hugs! This is tough and frustrating stuff! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FairProspects Posted March 2, 2015 Author Share Posted March 2, 2015 He is definitely not NLVD (although with so many of these diagnoses the issues overlap or are similar). He does have SPD and slow processing and is overall a late bloomer profile, which I think is the most likely cause of the issue here. I can't seem to find as much info on how to help the late bloomers, maybe because there isn't much you can do to rush development, lol. We did start to work on Zones of Regulation when he was in OT from age 5-7, so I will look at that again and see if there is more age appropriate material for older kids too. We are still in contact with our former OT and she recommended Talkabout for Teenagers for him, so we will start working through that as well. I'm not sure how much role playing will help since he seems to be so impulsive that any practiced responses fly out the window once emotion is involved, but maybe some of it will stick. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Heathermomster Posted March 2, 2015 Share Posted March 2, 2015 How many classes does he take and for how long? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FairProspects Posted March 2, 2015 Author Share Posted March 2, 2015 How many classes does he take and for how long? He is in a 1 hour class once a week (less of a problem) and another full day of class once a week (4 different 1-hour classes with a lunch and a half hour chapel at the beginning). This is the first semester he has attempted a full day of classes once a week 9:00-3:00 and I think it was a mistake. He does too and has begged to go back to a half day (2 1 hr classes plus lunch) next semester. I think it is too much transition & stimulation for him to regulate his emotions and behavior. Many of his issues have occurred in the last period of the day (also the class after PE so he is physically tired too while trying to manage increasing complex tween peer interactions). 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wendyroo Posted March 2, 2015 Share Posted March 2, 2015 Listening in. My ASD kiddo is just about to turn 6 and I see the same transition that you mentioned. The social/emotional expectations have jumped a lot in the last year and he was behind even back then. Now when we play at the library or the park he gravitates to kids 2-3 years younger than himself...and even then the interactions are normally short lived because he is very awkward and inflexible. He would qualify this summer to attend YMCA day camp, but he is nowhere near ready for that. Last summer he attended zoo camp which was 2.5 hours for four mornings in a row. When I would go to pick him up he was tense and sullen and would shatter at the slightest provocation (or lack thereof). He will attend a zoo camp session each month this summer (he has a love-hate relationship with them), and I really hope it will go at least as "well" as last summer. My fear is that his classmates will have grown socially by leaps and bounds and his immaturities will be even more pronounced and more likely to get him singled out for negative peer attention. We shall see. Wendy Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WoolC Posted March 2, 2015 Share Posted March 2, 2015 I don't have anything helpful to add either but we are right there with you. My son is 5 so we are going through the first transition you described of him not meeting the expectations for school aged children. He does fine academically at home but social settings like his Sunday School class at church are very difficult and he's immature emotionally as well. He was diagnosed with SPD around 3 years old and we did a year of OT but didn't find it very helpful despite implementing a sensory diet and all that goes along with that. I'll be listening in on this thread as well for any suggestions others may have. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kbutton Posted March 3, 2015 Share Posted March 3, 2015 He is in a 1 hour class once a week (less of a problem) and another full day of class once a week (4 different 1-hour classes with a lunch and a half hour chapel at the beginning). This is the first semester he has attempted a full day of classes once a week 9:00-3:00 and I think it was a mistake. He does too and has begged to go back to a half day (2 1 hr classes plus lunch) next semester. I think it is too much transition & stimulation for him to regulate his emotions and behavior. Many of his issues have occurred in the last period of the day (also the class after PE so he is physically tired too while trying to manage increasing complex tween peer interactions). Do you know if he would do well with one class that is in a longer time slot, like a 2-hour class? If so, maybe there is something available like that. My son is very tired out by transition as well. And once he's finished holding it all in, it's really all over! Longer classes actually seem to help. I think longer class formats also allow kids to find a buddy more easily if they are going to find a buddy. My son takes a long time to get into new friends, but once he's proven to share some common interests, the kids tend to get beyond the quirks and make an effort to enjoy him. If he's with a group of kids that are socially adept but not necessarily nice kids, then it really doesn't matter how much the kids like my son--it's not a good situation. Those kids drive me nuts--they never get called out for bad behavior because they know how to be snide, rude, snarky, or set themselves apart in a snotty way, whatever you want to call it, within an acceptable framework. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FairProspects Posted March 3, 2015 Author Share Posted March 3, 2015 Do you know if he would do well with one class that is in a longer time slot, like a 2-hour class? If so, maybe there is something available like that. My son is very tired out by transition as well. And once he's finished holding it all in, it's really all over! Longer classes actually seem to help. I think longer class formats also allow kids to find a buddy more easily if they are going to find a buddy. My son takes a long time to get into new friends, but once he's proven to share some common interests, the kids tend to get beyond the quirks and make an effort to enjoy him. If he's with a group of kids that are socially adept but not necessarily nice kids, then it really doesn't matter how much the kids like my son--it's not a good situation. Those kids drive me nuts--they never get called out for bad behavior because they know how to be snide, rude, snarky, or set themselves apart in a snotty way, whatever you want to call it, within an acceptable framework. This is exactly the problem. There are some very socially precocious tweens here who know how to goad ds but they aren't doing anything clearly inappropriate so it doesn't get corrected. It sort of falls under difficult tween/middle school interactions. :( And of course ds himself is more sensitive or easily upset than the average kid so it is just a bad combination. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
imagine.more Posted March 3, 2015 Share Posted March 3, 2015 No advice but I'm seeing a similar trend with DD. She was getting along okay socially until she hit 12 and suddenly the expectations increased in social skills and just maturity/attention/executive functioning. Now at 13 she seems woefully behind her peers and most of her friends have kinda dropped off. I'm hoping it will even out later like you've seen with your son in different phases. And like yours our DD is definitely not autistic, it's mostly language processing and immaturity and for her low intelligence. I wonder if simply limiting social interactions for a year or so, having very guided and supervised times to hang out with friends or extra guidance in any classes would be enough to just get him through this time. That might protect his self confidence and give him time to catch up and then he can kinda ease back into bigger social situations. I think maybe dropping him back to half a day of classes would be good and then make the transition to full day in 2 years when he is more mature and can be successful with it. Middle school age is hard for any kid! Never mind one who lags a bit on new stages. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kbutton Posted March 3, 2015 Share Posted March 3, 2015 This is exactly the problem. There are some very socially precocious tweens here who know how to goad ds but they aren't doing anything clearly inappropriate so it doesn't get corrected. It sort of falls under difficult tween/middle school interactions. :( And of course ds himself is more sensitive or easily upset than the average kid so it is just a bad combination. I'm sorry. That's frustrating. And it fails both sets of kids--the kids who are snarky under the radar often are not very nice adults either (though people do change!). Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Heathermomster Posted March 3, 2015 Share Posted March 3, 2015 FairP, I know you probably look forward to the all day classes. Are the classes being held at a Christian cover? If so, snark is still snark. I would definitely make the teachers aware. I would speak to whomever is in charge and ask them to address attitude during chapel. Adults need to be aware of this. When DS was that age, he was one of the last boys to be selected for teams during PE because he was so uncoordinated. The competition was over the top. I sent him to school with his own football/frisbee so that he could make his own teams during recess. I had permission from the powers that be, and there were a few boys who happily joined in. I also tried to meet the kids that DS struggled with and be kind to them because I wanted them to know the mother of the boy they were dealing with. DS is now good friends with the chief offenders of 4th/5th grade. They are nice kids. Maybe volunteer at the cover, or remain on site the last two hours. I do that every Friday. I sit in the library and hang out so that if DD's teacher needs help, she can call upon me. DS is a 9th grader. He never attended all day homeschool classes until this year. Prior to 9th grade, I dropped him off for lunch, chapel, vocab, and PE. Does your child understand his learning? When DS was younger and frustrated, he asked me why questions a lot. Sometimes, DS has been misunderstood, and we have discussed forgiveness a lot. Sometimes, kids give offense without meaning to. DS and I have discussed looking over offenses many times. People hurt unintentionally out of ignorance. For the ones that hurt on purpose, I call the parents. I have picked up the phone 5 times over the past 4 years. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kbutton Posted March 3, 2015 Share Posted March 3, 2015 I hadn't thought about talking to the powers that be, but it could work. When my son was in an actual school setting for three years (2 classes-per-grade-sized Christian school), the school counselor was really proactive about attitudes in the school. She suggested ways for teachers to do this within class as well and would do some friendship/anti-bullying stuff in the classes. One group of girls in the same grade didn't get along without intervention over a long span of time, so they actually met as a group with the counselor on a regular basis (I didn't actually know the group, just knew it happened, so I think they were very discreet about it). I am not sure how they did it, but they actively worked to help these girls learn to deal with their differing personalities. I think it was a fairly good-sized group, so people were not singled out. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jnma Posted March 3, 2015 Share Posted March 3, 2015 My son is almost 9 and has ADHD. Developmentally he is about 2 years behind. He has always had regulation problems and struggles socially in waves. He is very sensitive and a good friend, but can't hold it together when frustrated and misses social cues. It is getting a bit harder as he gets older, because of the other kids. If he missed a cue or flipped his lid over something small at 5, only the parents were giving me queer looks. It is much more obvious to the other kids now and in that way, painful. You've been given some good advice already. A couple of things that have helped my son are social skills groups and role playing. Those ideas may be a bit young for you guys. I role play through some of the tough situations he deals with. I make social skills part of our curriculum. I also need to provide more emotional scaffolding during the transition ages, so at least he has a safe place to land. I'm selective about classes, social activities, field trips, etc. Not saying that's right, but just trying to set him up to succeed. It's hard. Just wanted to say I understand. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Little Women Posted March 4, 2015 Share Posted March 4, 2015 My dd has the same problem. I have learned to tell myself, "act like she's 2 years younger." She's 18 now, and if I expect her to act like a 16yo, we do pretty well. Of course, that's hard to do when she's a freshman in college..... Thankfully, she still lives at home and I can still cover some areas for her. She is growing, and she will get there, she's just slower than some kids. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kbutton Posted March 4, 2015 Share Posted March 4, 2015 A couple of things that have helped my son are social skills groups and role playing. Those ideas may be a bit young for you guys. I role play through some of the tough situations he deals with. I make social skills part of our curriculum. I also need to provide more emotional scaffolding during the transition ages, so at least he has a safe place to land. I'm selective about classes, social activities, field trips, etc. Not saying that's right, but just trying to set him up to succeed. They use these techniques for all ages, and some kids need to continually work through new scenarios as they age and interactions get more complicated. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mrs. Tharp Posted March 4, 2015 Share Posted March 4, 2015 So much good advice!!! I'd also add keeping social situations structured and eventually adding in counselling if he needs an outside perspective. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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