Cakes Posted June 10, 2014 Share Posted June 10, 2014 I am fairly new here and just read through the thread asking who is a gentle parent type. I definitely am, it takes a lot to make me angry, I am pretty relaxed. My soon to be 12 yr old has melted down a few times lately saying that I don't love her and/or that I am mean! I have asked what would make her feel or think that and she says it is because all I ever do is yell at her when the reality it is that it is rare for me to raise my voice, it actually takes a lot to get me that riled up. I can be stern when it comes to bedtime (she will drag that out for an hour) or when she has dropped the ball on something as a result of her not managing her time well. She takes that sternness as me being mad and I guess not loving her :-/ I have been on her for lack of follow up and to take care of her own responsibilities. Part of this 'conflict' for lack of a better word is just about the age...she is striving to be more independant and wants to make her own decisions (shower first or homework? 1tv show and then home work or homework first? simple stuff) but when she doesn't make the right choice it becomes a problem...and I am applying a little bit more pressure for her to take more personal responsibility about things. Occasionally something will go wrong and I will gently point out the perhaps if she hadn't used what little time she had on her iPad/tv/whatever she would have had the time to complete X( physical therapy exercises, put away laundry, tidy up her room, homework etc) I try to balance these teaching moments with positivity however that clearly is not cutting it with her. I would love to hear suggestions on how to maintain a strong healthy relationship while nudging her to be more responsible. I HATE nagging! Maybe I just need to follow a simple chore chart so that she can be in the driver's seat and then just let her deal with the fall out of not following through? Ugh. She is currently in public school but we are planning to homeschool her either this fall or the following. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Katy Posted June 10, 2014 Share Posted June 10, 2014 I'm not a gentle parent the way everyone here seems to describe it, but in this case I suspect she has a different love language than you. Hers is probably praise, and since she's been hearing a lot of criticism she feels like she's getting screamed at, even if she's not. Look into the Five Love Languages, there's a quiz at their website that can give you insight into your & her love languages. ETA: I'd go to the site, learn about love languages, take a laptop to her and explain it, explain to her that you love her desperately and you want her to feel that love desperately, but she also needs to be responsible. Brainstorm with her ways to make her feel more loved AND ways to keep her on task. Praise, praise, praise her for everything she does right. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cakes Posted June 10, 2014 Author Share Posted June 10, 2014 Katy, that is brilliant! I will do that. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OneStepAtATime Posted June 10, 2014 Share Posted June 10, 2014 Did the 5 Love Languages as a study with other young moms and loved it. I was able to better understand both of my kids AND my DH. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ravin Posted June 10, 2014 Share Posted June 10, 2014 Structured forms of positive reinforcement can help, too. In addition to verbal praise (simple things like thanking DD for doing things the right way/with a good attitude), we have an incentive chart with a jelly bean jar. She gets a jelly bean in the jar for each item completed on the incentives (which are tailored to her routines and problem areas), and when it's full, she gets a special, fun outing with me. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cakes Posted June 10, 2014 Author Share Posted June 10, 2014 Thanks Ravin, that is a good idea as well. I guess that I am expecting her to step it up, due to her age, and really she is still a little girl who perhaps still needs some fun encouragement to accomplish her tasks. Sigh.... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ravin Posted June 10, 2014 Share Posted June 10, 2014 Thanks Ravin, that is a good idea as well. I guess that I am expecting her to step it up, due to her age, and really she is still a little girl who perhaps still needs some fun encouragement to accomplish her tasks. Sigh.... The trick is to find the middle ground and step it up gradually. The things on my DD's list have changed over time. When we first started, "Not throwing a tantrum for an hour" was a jelly bean/point. Now, it's things like being responsible for her medication, doing chores around the house (assigned or not, so she can earn bonus points), getting enough exercise, and remembering to brush her teeth (that last wasn't on there until band ended for the year--she always brushed before practicing and needed to develop a new habit). Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alenee Posted June 10, 2014 Share Posted June 10, 2014 I have a 12yo, second one, and she is a CHALLENGE. After going through this once already and seeing myself in my now 12yo, I've changed my tune a bit. Dd has a chore chart on the computer (dh programmed something for this) where she checks off everything she needs to do as she does it. The computer calculates her allowance balance based on what's been done. This has been a real lifesaver for me because criticism in any form, even very positive, causes dd to go off the deep end. Now the chores and money are all on her to manage. Being able to step back from this part has made a huge difference in our relationship. If interested, dh found several free websites that were similar to his program. One thing that I learned after the first one is that 11-13 years old is a HARD time on kids. I think we naturally want to step up their responsibilities which is good, but it has to be balanced with mercy as their bodies are changing rapidly. Their moods can be all over the map due to these changes and it helps them to know that we are their biggest cheerleaders. I try very hard to keep any criticism to a minimum. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rebel Yell Posted June 10, 2014 Share Posted June 10, 2014 I was going to suggest 5 Love Languages, but someone beat me to it. When I read the book in my mid-30s I realized that I really wasn't "unloved", but my way of feeling loved was pretty much the exact opposite of the way it was shown to me. Wish that book was around 30 years ago. :crying: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Katy Posted June 10, 2014 Share Posted June 10, 2014 We do chore charts equal allowance too, for their personal responsibilities. For family stuff we work together, no one goes to do anything fun until dinner dishes are done, etc. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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