battlemaiden Posted April 29, 2009 Share Posted April 29, 2009 My MIL needs to come out and visit. She isn't easy. She's lovely, but she isn't easy. She likes quiet and order, we homeschool with seven kids. My dh is trying to arrange a visit sometime in June when he won't be at sea. We have mentioned the two weeks that would work. We can only host her for one week- she's just not the "helpful houseguest," so that is all we can handle. Yesterday she called and left a voicemail saying she checked with the airline that she has her frequent flier miles with. She gave us her account number, the pin, her credit card number with expiration, and her preferred flight plan. She had checked with the airline and knew that it was possible to get the flight she wanted during the times we suggested. "Go ahead and set it up, as you think is best." :glare::glare::glare::glare: Um, hey Nanny? One us is getting ready to go to sea for most of May, one of us is caring for a fairly large family and homeschooling, and one of us is retired with several volunteer church positions. Which one do you think should be handling this? [sigh] I really want to be the nice DIL. But I want to set boundaries. Can I get an amen? Jo Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OnTheBrink Posted April 29, 2009 Share Posted April 29, 2009 AMEN. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PineFarmMom Posted April 29, 2009 Share Posted April 29, 2009 Hmm. Amen, first. Second, maybe you give her a call back, hoping for the machine, telling her this is really her trip and you'd feel wrong making all those plans for her, plus you & dh's schedule would have you so busy that you don't know when you'll be able to get to it?? You can say it all in a nice, boundary kind of way that might not ruffle her feathers. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Julie in Austin Posted April 29, 2009 Share Posted April 29, 2009 OTOH, if you arrange the trip, the trip will be arranged exactly how you want it. If you ask her to do it, she might stay for longer than you'd like, or at a worse time. So, I'd schedule the trip for her. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LaxMom Posted April 29, 2009 Share Posted April 29, 2009 Uh, amen. Really? She took the time to call the airline and discuss flights on various dates, then call you with her cards out, then leave the pertinent numbers, etc., on your answering machine? Really? Wow. That is entirely too much effort to get someone to serve me. If I were your MIL, I would totally be finding a new family to visit. :D Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aubrey Posted April 29, 2009 Share Posted April 29, 2009 She sounds like my mother. She calls, wanting me to make a diabetic-friendly menu for when she & grmother come to help me move. (I'm packing.) She calls, wanting me to research & present data on the best mobile plan for my grmother, based on her travel needs, etc. Because I have internet. Etc. AMEN. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Danestress Posted April 29, 2009 Share Posted April 29, 2009 Because they I could schedule it how it works best for me. I would know that Tuesdays are bad days to arrive because we have so much going on. I would know that the baby naps from 1 - 3 so scheduling an arrival during those hours would be bad. I would know if I prefer a late night flight or an early morning one, given my own needs and desires. If I were visiting a DIL with a large family, I can see arranging it this way so that I could make sure that my arrival and departures times and days were convenient for her and my son. Yes, your MIL could call, make a reservation, call you, see if it works, call them back, see if they have something early because the first plan was during the baby's nap, etc. But this actually seems like a good way to handle it, in my opinion. But I do feel for you. Any visitor is hard when you have a nestful! And you are a really sweet DIL to be willing to share time with her when your DH is gone so much. I know you must be tempted to say, "Mine! All mine!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
specialmama Posted April 29, 2009 Share Posted April 29, 2009 OTOH, if you arrange the trip, the trip will be arranged exactly how you want it. If you ask her to do it, she might stay for longer than you'd like, or at a worse time. So, I'd schedule the trip for her. THAT I can AMEN!!!! I would be thrilled if my MIL gave me the reigns! I would totally call her on it and just do it to my liking. :D Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Laurie4b Posted April 29, 2009 Share Posted April 29, 2009 I think you could interpret it as "she dumped all the work on us" or as "she is trying really hard to be sensitive to our needs." I think dh could call her and thank her for being so considerate, give her the go-ahead on the plan, and tell her that both of you are bogged down and ask her to do it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
battlemaiden Posted April 29, 2009 Author Share Posted April 29, 2009 I think you could interpret it as "she dumped all the work on us" or as "she is trying really hard to be sensitive to our needs." I think dh could call her and thank her for being so considerate, give her the go-ahead on the plan, and tell her that both of you are bogged down and ask her to do it. This is what my husband and I differ about. It is his mom, and I don't want to jump to conclusions on her motives. I *do* jump to conclusions, but I'm trying not to say it out loud. :D She really is sweet and understanding. I am going to hit the ball back into her court with limitations on times. But, I'm not going to spend my time getting her the aisle seat as she requested. So there. :tongue_smilie: There is a precedent of the camel's nose getting under the tent here. I. must. hold. the. line...... Thanks for all the amens and good alternative perspective. I appreciate it. Jo Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tap Posted April 29, 2009 Share Posted April 29, 2009 Sure, I would schedule it ..... and make sure to shorten it a day :0) This really can be to your advantage you know ! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Laurie4b Posted April 29, 2009 Share Posted April 29, 2009 This is what my husband and I differ about. It is his mom, and I don't want to jump to conclusions on her motives. I *do* jump to conclusions, but I'm trying not to say it out loud. :D She really is sweet and understanding. I am going to hit the ball back into her court with limitations on times. But, I'm not going to spend my time getting her the aisle seat as she requested. So there. :tongue_smilie: There is a precedent of the camel's nose getting under the tent here. I. must. hold. the. line...... Thanks for all the amens and good alternative perspective. I appreciate it. Jo Is it possible that *she* is walking on eggshells? Giving up the control of allowing you to schedule because in the past she's offended inadvertantly? I say this because of the camel's nose comment...and the hold the line. And I say it because I've got 4 boys. I'm honestly scared of d-i-l's whom I might inadvertantly offend and then there be tension that I don't know what to do about. If she's really offensive and intrusive, and unrepentant about it, that's one thing, but if not, and if any of your 7 are boys... well... anyway, err on the side of grace. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
battlemaiden Posted April 29, 2009 Author Share Posted April 29, 2009 Is it possible that *she* is walking on eggshells? Giving up the control of allowing you to schedule because in the past she's offended inadvertantly? I say this because of the camel's nose comment...and the hold the line. And I say it because I've got 4 boys. I'm honestly scared of d-i-l's whom I might inadvertantly offend and then there be tension that I don't know what to do about. If she's really offensive and intrusive, and unrepentant about it, that's one thing, but if not, and if any of your 7 are boys... well... anyway, err on the side of grace. The precedent is that she likes people to do things for her. She prefers to have people cater to her. She trains people. She does this little southern belle thing that makes me a wee bit crazy- It is impressive actually, more of an art form. *I*, on the other hand, am the buck up type, that feels perfectly capable people with all their resources available to them ought not impose on others. I don't feel that is healthy in relationships. I do often think about my future role of a mother-in-law. I have four boys as well. I would definitely want grace and forgiveness extended. I'm getting there. Thanks for the reminder. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KJB Posted April 29, 2009 Share Posted April 29, 2009 Wow. She sounds just like my mil except in our case mil is cute-as-a-button, wee, and Irish (accent included) instead of a southern bell. She's just. so. helpless. And she is magnificently brilliant but acts dumb as a stone in order to avoid having to do for herself. She's the youngest of 8 and the age span in her family was vast so she had a lot of people to pamper her as a child. It drives me nuts. As a military spouse and home school mom of 5, I do for myself. I rarely feel as if I either want or need help. Anyway, you have my empathy. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
battlemaiden Posted April 29, 2009 Author Share Posted April 29, 2009 Wow. She sounds just like my mil except in our case mil is cute-as-a-button, wee, and Irish (accent included) instead of a southern bell. She's just. so. helpless. And she is magnificently brilliant but acts dumb as a stone in order to avoid having to do for herself. She's the youngest of 8 and the age span in her family was vast so she had a lot of people to pamper her as a child. It drives me nuts. As a military spouse and home school mom of 5, I do for myself. I rarely feel as if I either want or need help. Anyway, you have my empathy. EXACTLY. I think my MIL is brilliant too. I get you! military spouse and all...... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pajama Mama Posted April 29, 2009 Share Posted April 29, 2009 Remember the post about the family who outstayed their welcome? Dh didn't communicate well and the family stayed an extra week while they tried to hs the kids. You do not want that to happen to you with MIL. I say do it for her. That way you know how long she intends to stay. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Laurie4b Posted April 30, 2009 Share Posted April 30, 2009 The precedent is that she likes people to do things for her. She prefers to have people cater to her. She trains people. She does this little southern belle thing that makes me a wee bit crazy- It is impressive actually, more of an art form. *I*, on the other hand, am the buck up type, that feels perfectly capable people with all their resources available to them ought not impose on others. I don't feel that is healthy in relationships. I do often think about my future role of a mother-in-law. I have four boys as well. I would definitely want grace and forgiveness extended. I'm getting there. Thanks for the reminder. That makes sense if there's a history of that. I just keep thinking about all the things about me that there might be for a d-i-l to dislike, LOL! I used to think that because I am on the messy side, that d-i-l's would feel comfortable when we came over and not feel like they had to run around cleaning up. Then it dawned on me that ds's could marry neatniks who would not be comfortable at my house, or that I'd forget at their house and leave a glass out...or... you get the idea! :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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