Kids & lying...what is normal?

[unsinkable]

Let's say a child who is almost 5 steals candy, lies about it, gets punished by being sent to bed, has a major tantrum that causes a bloody nose, then the next day tells her counselor her mom spanked her face.

 

Let's also say this is a foster child and the counselor called CPS & the foster mom was investigated & cleared.

 

I have seen this child have temper tantrums that involve throwing herself around & I would bet my life that her foster mom wouldn't ever physically punish her. I believe the foster mom's story. Also, the child & her siblings talk about the foster mom hitting them, which she never has done. Every time the kids say something like that, she called the case worker b/c she was worried about why they'd say that when she has never touched them.

 

Also, the child(ren) has been with this family about 2 years and was with another foster family about 2 years.

 

I'm worried about the foster mom. I care deeply about her & her family. I'm regretting the advice I gave her which was to just deal with the behavior & not worry about a "label" or "diagnosis" for why this child acts the way she does.

 

So how normal is it to lie like this?

[Pamela H in Texas]

It isn't normal.

 

However, I would guess that the child is used to being hit and is uncomfortable NOT being hit. She probably doesn't know how to deal with the issue of NOT being hit (possibly at all, almost definitely "as discipline.").

 

She probably also associates "loving discipline" with being hit (which isn't all that odd considering MOST adults have been hit as discipline and claim it was done in love or that they deserved it).

 

I will say that *I* would not send a child to her room if she was going to hurt herself there. My own son did similarly and we ended up doing therapeutic holds, spinning and such. HOWEVER, please do NOT suggest therapeutic holds as it is ILLEGAL to do with a foster child without the orders and supervision of a therapist.

 

If you think the mother would be interested in a kinda different discipline program, I have an idea I can share privately. Some of these tougher kids just need us to really beef up the appropriate discipline and sometimes that takes a systematic approach.

 

ETA: I just realized this child has been in care since she was ONE. For my theory above to be true, that means that her other foster mother would have had to be inappropriately disciplining. Though I know that issue is very problematic in the system, I hate to say it of any individual family.

 

It could be that the child is, sensory wise/neurologically, getting something out of causing herself physical pain and wishes the foster mother would do some of it. Many kids with sensory issues (even mild and just dx'd adhd or something) seem to be "begging for a spanking" for example. The whole thing is that that physical holding, hitting, bumping, headbanging, etc knocks their neurological system back into whack.

 

If it is sensory related, enough physical and sensory play could greatly decrease the number and severity of episodes.

 

ETA AGAIN: Many children like this do not do well when punished but require better discipline. It may be necessary for consequences to be better related and meaningful rather than punitive. It is ALWAYS better to do this, but many kids DO respond all right to punishment instead. But some kids just demand for us to do better. (this ETA isn't really dealing with the discipline program mentioned above, just that mom may want to change her typical parenting somewhat for a child that isn't so typical....I still recommend the program, but switching from punishment to logical consequences can be done without overhauling ones parenting).

Edited January 21, 2009 by 2J5M9K

[Peela]

I dont think that type of lying is normal...and I clicked on this thread thinking, oh yes, lying is perfectly normal. It is- it is a sign of intelligence in fact in children, apparently- but if you are right and the chid is lying and the foster mother doesnt hit the child- I woudl say the child is seriously disturbed and probably needs more than normal help.

[kalanamak]

False accusations are a not uncommon ruse of the "institutionalized". Those of us who work in "the system" might use the phrase "knows how to work the system".

 

You get attention, relief of consequences, etc. One accusation and boom, the wheels of investigation are turning, all done by little powerless you.

 

This is very sad, but I would look more into the behaviors of the parents (bio) than the foster mothers. I hope this current one is getting some help on learning how to best react to this. This is her, and the child's, best chance.

[coralloyd]

A friend of mine has 4 adopted children. One of her daughters has Reactive Attachment Disorder. It sounds like this might be the issue with these kids. Look it up and see if it could be a possibility. Sorry your friend has to deal with this.