laurad1125 Posted January 20, 2009 Share Posted January 20, 2009 Dh has been having weeks if not months at work where the days are mostly bad. He's getting pretty discouraged. I'm trying to find ways to encourage, support or just make him feel better in the evenings. I'm making sure to put on something he likes and wear perfume before he comes home I'm keeping the house cleaner than I normally do I'm working with the boys to lower the noise level in the evening. I'd still like to do more. What would you do to make the evenings better for your dh? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted January 20, 2009 Share Posted January 20, 2009 Have dinner (esp. one he likes and that smells good) ready Have a glass of ice water ready Look presentable . . . ha! Have a smile on my face - tell him I had a good day, not complain! Have house picked up Limit the family bombarding him the minute he walks in the door and what I've been working on lately... giving him a few minutes when he walks in the door - to put his stuff down, look through the mail, go to the bathroom - whatever! He has a little routine that he likes to go through before he really considers himself "at home". Not sure if that's anything beyond what it sounds like you're already doing. I think making the entire evening relaxing helps rejuvenate them for the next day, as well. ETA: We have always put our kids to bed early and will continue doing so, even it means quiet reading in bed when they're older. Dh enjoys seeing and playing with the kids for a bit, but having the majority of the evenings for just him and I has had a tremendously positive effect on our marriage. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted January 20, 2009 Share Posted January 20, 2009 Forgot to mention... He likes to come home with me not on the computer...lol! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Melinda in VT Posted January 20, 2009 Share Posted January 20, 2009 You're doing some good things already. DH and I have enjoyed watching TV series together. (We get them from Netflix.) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Christy B Posted January 21, 2009 Share Posted January 21, 2009 You're a better woman than I am, Laura. Some days, the best I can muster up is to not have fled to the next county while he was gone. We both work hard, we're both exhausted. We do make a conscious effort not to take each other for granted. I think it's being taken for granted that makes your hard work seem so fruitless and unappreciated. As strange as it may sound, be sure to give him opportunities to do things for you and the kids in the evenings. Not stressful, demanding things -- just little things that make him feel needed and appreciated, if that's what he's missing at work. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Remudamom Posted January 21, 2009 Share Posted January 21, 2009 Listen to him. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Carol in Cal. Posted January 21, 2009 Share Posted January 21, 2009 And what is his job? If he's an introvert, he would probably really value a transition period that is quiet when he gets home. He would probably like things to be peaceful and serene. And quiet. If he's an extrovert, he would probably like to talk to you when he gets home, and to be surrounded with cheerful, happy people who are focussed on him. If his job is giving him too much 'people time', go with the introvert approach. If it's giving him too little, go with the extrovert approach. (For instance, I know someone who works in sales, but in an area where she does so much paperwork that she is only around others about 1/4 of the time. She's not an extrovert, but she really needs more people time than she is getting, so when she gets home, she likes her husband and son to talk with her about her day.) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
happykate Posted January 21, 2009 Share Posted January 21, 2009 A few years ago I typed up a questionnaire for dh so that I could find out what was really important to him. I had things on it like: house picked up, me dressed, makeup on, dinner ready, time to himself to decompress, pantry stocked with snacks, etc. I think I came up with about 20 or so things. Then I had him assign each one an importance level of 1,2, or 3. It was really fascinating to me! We were best friends for several years before we started dating and have been married almost 15 years so I really feel like I know him, but I was still surprised at what was (and wasn't) a big deal to him. Just an idea! Have a great day! Katie Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lovedtodeath Posted January 21, 2009 Share Posted January 21, 2009 I got some rejuvinating foot cream that I can give him a rub down with. Same for the shoulders, with some scented oil. I also got a massaging foot tub like they use for pedicures and have that sitting by his favorite chair. I don't do these very often... but you were asking for ideas. Oh, and... Make a big effort to be ready for TEA, and let him know that I am. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ereks mom Posted January 21, 2009 Share Posted January 21, 2009 There are some great suggestions in this thread. I especially liked happykate's questionnaire idea and Carol in Cal's introvert/extrovert ideas. When my dh is stressed at work, he likes to come home to a big hug and a tender kiss, a tall glass of iced tea, and he likes me to let him 'veg' in front of the tv for a little while to unwind. After awhile, he's ready for a little light conversation and family interaction. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ria Posted January 21, 2009 Share Posted January 21, 2009 Have the kids bathed before he gets home, and have them ready to go to their rooms early. They could stay up; heck, they could be in the same room, but have them give the two of you some space. You don't have to do this every day, but now and then might be a nice treat. You could have dinner as a family and then give a signal and have the kids disappear for a bit while you and dh just have some time to talk and be friends. Your dh needs you to listen, and to give him some hugs. Ria Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bookmomma Posted January 21, 2009 Share Posted January 21, 2009 I usually touch him more, give good eye contact, rub his back and tell him how lucky I am to have such a wonderful husband! Sometimes, we get so busy just "doing" life, we forget to live it and enjoy it:) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
stephanie Posted January 21, 2009 Share Posted January 21, 2009 Dh has been having weeks if not months at work where the days are mostly bad. He's getting pretty discouraged. I'm trying to find ways to encourage, support or just make him feel better in the evenings. I'm making sure to put on something he likes and wear perfume before he comes home I'm keeping the house cleaner than I normally do I'm working with the boys to lower the noise level in the evening. I'd still like to do more. What would you do to make the evenings better for your dh? I like to have supper cook, tell dh to get in the bath and go relax. I also like to affirm his feelings so he doesn't think I'm feeling sorry for him, but that I understand and know how he's feeling. And then of course, there's always tea. I'm not trying to be tacky, that seems to be a common love language of men. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lovedtodeath Posted January 21, 2009 Share Posted January 21, 2009 And then of course, there's always TEA. I'm not trying to be tacky, that seems to be a common love language of men.And a very effective stress reliever! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Melissa in St Louis Posted January 21, 2009 Share Posted January 21, 2009 A while back I asked dh to list the top five things I could do to help him. I gave him a paper numbered 1-5 and a pencil...answers weren't what I expected! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
laurad1125 Posted January 21, 2009 Author Share Posted January 21, 2009 Thanks for all the great responses. I especially like the idea for the list of things he ranks, bathing the kids early (duh) and letting him do things for me and the boys. Last night went really well. DH was relaxed and happy most of the evening. I made him his favorite dinner AND his favorite cookies. I listened to his complaints about work and was able to refrain from suggesting ways to solve the issues (not easy for me:blushing:) I let him mess on his computer with no complaints but stayed in the room with him. We watched some TV (we love to netflix TV series that we both enjoy) and I was sure to thank him for all he goes through for the family. It was good and I'll be looking to replicate it. Thanks SOOOOOO much to all! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
iquilt Posted January 21, 2009 Share Posted January 21, 2009 Dinner is ready when he is and is a favorite - even if I have to keep it warm from an earlier dinner with the kids. Also he loves to see positive accomplishments from our school day so the kids can pick a favorite project or book and tell him all about it. I try also to take care of mundane details (garbage out, mail sorted, etc.) so he doesn't have a whole list of house stuff as soon as he walks in the door. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KJB Posted January 21, 2009 Share Posted January 21, 2009 is to realize that I don't have much to do with why he isn't content when his job is making him nuts. Really, just don't take it personally. Don't get emotional and worry about what you can do to make him happy. You're not the reason he's unhappy so don't think you can change his circumstances. You don't want to end up feeling bad because you tried so hard to cheer him up and he's still miserable. And then, your hurt feelings can lead to getting irritated with him since he's not noticing you're trying so hard which in turn leads to friction which is what you were wanting to avoid in the first place. BTDT at the beginning of our marriage. Never again. Just do your job as best you can, take care of yourself, and be available to listen if he wants to talk. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lovedtodeath Posted January 22, 2009 Share Posted January 22, 2009 is to realize that I don't have much to do with why he isn't content when his job is making him nuts. Really, just don't take it personally. Don't get emotional and worry about what you can do to make him happy. You're not the reason he's unhappy so don't think you can change his circumstances. You don't want to end up feeling bad because you tried so hard to cheer him up and he's still miserable. And then, your hurt feelings can lead to getting irritated with him since he's not noticing you're trying so hard which in turn leads to friction which is what you were wanting to avoid in the first place. BTDT at the beginning of our marriage. Never again. Just do your job as best you can, take care of yourself, and be available to listen if he wants to talk. I almost said something to this effect. When I do extra things for my DH (especially keeping the kids away from him), then I get NO alone time or down time, I am miserable, and I start to resent him. I'd rather not resent him. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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