Hmm.. what's the next small step in talking to dd about how babies are made?

[Erica in PA]

First off, I should mention that dh and I prefer to be somewhat on the later side when talking to our kids about s*x. Only as much information as they need to know at the time, that's what we shoot for. Our oldest was 12 when he had the talk with dh, for example, and we were very happy with that time frame. Of course children are all different, and we don't necessarily expect to wait that long with our younger two children. But we're not in the "get it all out there when they're little" camp.

 

However, my six year old dd has been persistently asking about how babies are made. She's been told that a baby is made from part of the woman and part of the man, and that a baby is a gift from God to couples who love each other. She knows that the baby grows in the uterus and is born through the vagina. I think that generally should be enough for a six year old, but she continually asks questions about how the parts of the woman and the man come together, what they do, etc. Just today she said she thought it had something to do with kissing, which I did correct, and then said we would talk about it more later.

 

I'm trying to think, what is a just a bit more information I could give her to satisfy her curiousity, without getting into *everything*? Besides the fact that she is young, imo, she also is very impulsive and has little self-control when it comes to talking about personal or bodily issues, and I could very easily see her sharing that information with other children in an inappropriate way, even if I strongly cautioned her against that. So in that sense I really don't think she is mature enough to know much more than she does now... but I also don't want her to think the topic is taboo or something she needs to sneak around to find out on her own, either, and she is a very persistant one.

 

Can anyone think of what the next small incremental step would be, in explaining how babies are made?

[MeanestMomInMidwest]

well, I'm more liberal about reproduction, the body and such, so feel free to take my words with a grain of salt. Also, we have gerbils that gave my dc a crash course in mating, so to speak.

 

For our family, it was easy to start with animal reproduction. Of course they saw the gerbils mating (and one of my sons did remark on how much his gerbil liked to mate!), we talked about how mammals mate. How the male's sperm needs to get to the egg for fertilization to occur. We talked about how the female of some species deposit eggs in one spot and then the male comes along and deposits the sperm on top of the eggs, but some species need the male to put the sperm directly into the female's body. Then one day one of my sons asked, "How do people mate?" I answered, "The same way other mammals mate." So, we go on from there. We refer to it as mating, not sex (because sex is on forms and you answer male or female, right? Pet peeve of mine. forms should ask for gender)

 

You might also want to look into a Computer program called ADAM. My dc love this and I believe it has a "fig leaf" option. My personal belief is that when the human body is demystified, other questions become easier. It is just science, after all. but again, we're pretty open about everything, and I've never felt embarrassed about discussing anything to do with bodily functions (including mating). Maybe it's because I'm a nurse?

[Ria]

My belief is that if a child is asking for information (ie, more info than you are giving), it's time to talk. Kids are not stupid, and your dd already knows that you are avoiding the facts. Can't you just read some stuff about animal reproduction, and then the next time she asks mention that humans use the same parts? Spring is coming...birds should be doing their thing in your yard...

 

Ria

[Catherine]

I also have had children with very different levels of curiosity and questioning, and in my family they ended up hearing about the mechanics of sex at very very different ages. I don't really have any answers for you. I'm not sorry we told my oldest, the curious and questioning one. I think he would have looked elsewhere for answers if we hadn't answered-like asking friends, looking in books, etc. Basically, he just wanted to know!

 

I do think it has worked for us to answer questions as they came, with some tweaking. Another child was very uncomfortable and avoidant, and we have had to very slowly and gradually introduce tiny bits of info. At twelve, we have just managed to get the basic message across. There's much much more, when he is able to hear it. So I do think you have to adjust your information to the child's interest and curiosity.

 

So I think in the end your dd will stop asking if you do not answer, and look for other sources of info. Maybe you prefer that, or are absolutely certain she won't be able to find it?

[Erica in PA]

So I think in the end your dd will stop asking if you do not answer, and look for other sources of info. Maybe you prefer that, or are absolutely certain she won't be able to find it?

 

Well, no, I don't want her to look for answers elsewhere. I do want her to learn about this from us, her parents. However, I'm in a tough position because right now she *wants* to know everything, or at least she thinks she does, but because of her maturity level I don't think it's best for her to know *everything* right now... so that is a hard decision for me to make. To me, the fact that a child asks a question doesn't automatically mean that he/she is ready for the entire answer. It means that some honest conversation needs to take place, and it has with her on this topic, but it doesn't necessarily mean that a topic has to be presented in a comprehensive way at that moment.

 

So, what I am looking for at this point, is whether there is a bit more information that I could present that will give her more of what she is looking for as far as answers go, without getting into intercourse itself. A way to satisfy her curiousity without giving her more than she is really ready to handle. Or have I already done as much of that as I can, so that describing the act of intercourse is the only thing left to tell?

[Pamela H in Texas]

http://www.amazon.com/Its-So-Amazing-Families-Library/dp/0763613215/ref=pd_bbs_sr_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1232450518&sr=8-1

 

This book gets into all the science but not the pen*s in the vag*na. There is one page that deals with different family types including homosexuals. It's easy enough to skip.

 

But it does picture the egg and sperm so she could understand the miracle of life, because it really IS something else how these two cells come together and then 9 months later, there's a baby!

 

Our library had this book (and then I bought it a couple years later). You could check it out before giving it to/ reading it to your daughter.

 

It was a nice ice breaker around here. I was one that believed in answering questions as they came up. However, they never did come up. My kids talk to us about EVERYTHING (sometimes TOO much), but they just didn't have what most consider normal curiosity about this. Finally I pushed the issue for a couple reasons. This book helped a lot.

[camibami]

That is exactly how it happened with my girls. They knew about where babies grew, where they came out. Then periods and eggs. Then sperm and why you need a Daddy.

 

And one night my youngest (who was only 5) asked me very pointedly and directly "But HOW does the sperm get to the egg? How does it get there?!". So I told her, and her big sister too. Poor big sis pulled the covers over her head, she was totally grossed out. (I was putting them to bed and they shared a room). We talked about how parents talk to their kids about it at different times and that it was not an appropriate topic of conversation with friends- just like Santa. (My kids have never believed in Santa). In the 2 years since, there has been only 1 time DD was tempted to tell the "facts" to another child, and she was older and had such egregiously wrong info that I can't really blame DD for almost telling her.

 

I just didn't want it to be this deep dark secret we "reveal" when they get older. Or have a negative stigma attatched to se@, that it is so awful we don't talk about it. They both had the fairly normal reaction of "eeewww!" and then that was it- question answered, no more curiousity. As they get older I am sure more stuff will come up (DD asked me what balls were the other day) but since we're over that hurdle it makes the rest easier and we can lay the framework for guiding them with our beliefs towards se@.

 

I don't know if this is helpful at all, but just answering honestly worked great here.Good luck- DH was so, so glad he was working late that night!

[runninmommy]

I love the book, The wonderful way babies are made. It has a lovely, positve, Godly and scientific way of explaining how babies are made. There are two ways to read the book. The words at the top of each page are for younger children and the words at the bottom for older. It has beautiful pictures and explains reproduction in such a positive and natural way.

 

http://www.amazon.com/Wonderful-Way-That-Babies-Made/dp/0764223410/ref=pd_bbs_sr_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1232454803&sr=8-1

 

You can look inside the book at the above link.

[G5052]

To me having the honest dialog with my child is more important than whether they're going to go tell other children. I want a comfort level in talking about that issue, regardless of their age. Explain that this is what people do when they're married to have a baby and leave it at that.

 

We live in a semi-rural area, so this issue came up in regards to the animals they observed and then they figured out humans and had questions about that. It's just been a gradual thing. I know that my children know more than most of their suburb-raised homeschool peers, but that's OK. We have the dialog.

 

Along the way we've also taught them about inappropriate touching, which is just as important IMHO. We don't watch TV and carefully screen their friends and adults they're around, and we still had an incident some time back where such a thing was being alluded to, and they thankfully immediately came to us because they knew it was wrong. You want that as an open issue as well.

 

And if you don't have the dialog open, sometimes they will begin to ask other adults and their peers even if they're very young. I've worked with children for years in Sunday School, Awana, and now in homeschool classes, and I've had a number of times when children have asked me such questions. Sometimes you can diffuse it, and sometimes another child will pipe up with answer. IMHO that's less likely to happen if a child is getting their questions answered at home. So it's an open subject in our house at least.

Edited January 20, 2009 by GVA

[Josie]

When they ask...I tell. I tell using the medical names for the body part and act. I have had this discussion at about 10 with one child and 7 with another. I treat the medical/mechanical part no differently than if they had asked how a plane is made. I do make sure they understand the emotional and moral side of it.

[Karen sn]

well, I'm more liberal about reproduction, the body and such, so feel free to take my words with a grain of salt. Also, we have gerbils that gave my dc a crash course in mating, so to speak.

 

For our family, it was easy to start with animal reproduction. Of course they saw the gerbils mating (and one of my sons did remark on how much his gerbil liked to mate!), we talked about how mammals mate. How the male's sperm needs to get to the egg for fertilization to occur. We talked about how the female of some species deposit eggs in one spot and then the male comes along and deposits the sperm on top of the eggs, but some species need the male to put the sperm directly into the female's body. Then one day one of my sons asked, "How do people mate?" I answered, "The same way other mammals mate." So, we go on from there. We refer to it as mating, not sex (because sex is on forms and you answer male or female, right? Pet peeve of mine. forms should ask for gender)

 

You might also want to look into a Computer program called ADAM. My dc love this and I believe it has a "fig leaf" option. My personal belief is that when the human body is demystified, other questions become easier. It is just science, after all. but again, we're pretty open about everything, and I've never felt embarrassed about discussing anything to do with bodily functions (including mating). Maybe it's because I'm a nurse?

 

Well said.

We use bugs, frogs, and other animals that we have seen as well as mamals we haven't seen doing it.

 

Dd has LITERALLY seen almost every bug in the world mating.

I don't know what's up with that - but she's even seen flies and mosquito hawks!

 

I also call it mating but one day dd said that she knew mating was sex.

I still call it mating.

 

There is a book - How They Do It.

Very cool book about how various animals mate.

 

OP- you really do have a persistant kid.

We were watching bugs do it for a few years - calling it mating - and she never asked what it meant. One day I asked her if she knew why they mate. And she didn't and I told her it's for making babies.

[Danestress]

It's such a gift to have a child that is endlessly curious and also somewhat detail oriented. My son was very insistent around seven that he needed to really understand about reproduction. I thought I'd more or less explained it, but I added in pretty much all the detail you would think a kid could ever need to know. SO he askrf, "How does it FEEl when you do that, Mom?"

 

I think if you have covered the basics and aren't comfortable adding a lot more at this age, I would just say, "Well, we are going to study that in second grade, let's wait until then to get into it more. First you have to be able to read and write really well because I have an awesome book about it."