Cut the WHINE!

[Mommy22alyns]

Any tips on working with kids (young kids, as you can see by my siggy) on having a good attitude and not whining and complaining? They're not spoiled, but some days it seems like the whining is constant and it really sets my teeth on edge. :glare:

[Alana in Canada]

I had the same question once and someone responded here by saying that she says to the whining chid: "I'm sorry, I don't understand whinese."

 

The first few times I tried it, my whiny child laughed. But then we sort of forgot about it and she's back to whining again. Sometimes, when my teeth are really on edge, I will tell her to "try again."

 

But it takes a bit of diligence on my part to get her to break the annoying habit!

[Guest 4boys]

As far as I know, kids whine because it works, or has in the past. So don't ever let them get away with it. I like the "I'm sorry, I don't understand whinese" :D but then you have to follow up by telling them that you will not listen to them until they can ask nicely. Then completely ignore them. And if they keep it up and don't change their tune (tone?) then I would implement a bigger consequence because at that point it's disobedience. Hope this helps; it's worked for my boys.

[MeanestMomInMidwest]

is my standard response to whining....dd4 could give lessons on professional whining. I simply do not understand her when she's whining. If my first response doesn't cut the whine, I pull out my standard, "I'm sorry, I can't understand you unless you use your real voice" which usually works. I do not do anything for whiners except sometimes wonder (out loud) if perhaps the whining is due to lack of sleep or too much time around people, which could be nicely solved by some time alone in bed. :)

Just the other day, dd started whining in the store...I was ignoring her (cuz I couldn't hear her, ya see), and just about to ask if that was her voice when ds7 piped up "Mom is never going to hear you unless you use your real voice!" Real voice came out right away.

ETA: It does take some persistance and sometimes nerves of steel to persist....My dd has never (I promise) gotten anything by whining, yet she still does. She's just a whiney kid, but I refuse to listen to whines....I blame it all on Calliou (on PBS), the whiniest cartoon kid ever.

Edited January 10, 2009 by MeanestMomInMidwest

[kewb]

I have:

1. Used the "I don't understand whinese" option.

2. Say in a playful voice-"Oh, someone has whiners in their tummy. We need to tickle them out." Tickle. Then after a moments tickling shout "There they are! Stomp on them before they get back in your tummy."

Usually a few moments of tickling and stomping puts everyone in a better mood.

[Eleni]

I too use the I cant understand whining bit.

I have done tickling and being playful to change the dynamic around a bit.

If Im feeling particularly odd that day I will start whining and dramatically slumping around. ANYtime I act odd...my kids just stare at me, look at each other, and change their behaviour, because it weird them out when I act like they do. :lol:

[MamaSheep]

I had one that was a WHINER. Gah! Drove me nuts. What worked for us was the "I don't understand whining" bit, with a slight twist. My son is very technical and fact-oriented and would just get mad that I was lying because even if he whines it's "still ENGLISH, MOM!" (in a whiney tone, of course). Well, I didn't want him to think lying was ok and he was on to me, so what I would tell him instead was that I have a problem with my ears, and certain pitches, like those high pitches in whiney voices, don't register well in my ears so I needed him to use a "normal voice" in order for me to properly hear what he was saying. Ok, I was still lying to him (except for the fact that SOMETHING in my brain fritzes out when I hear whine, though I think it may be more patience-related than hearing-related). But he didn't catch on to that particular fib because I was very consistent about not being able to hear whines.

 

The other component was that in the early stages of de-whine-ification, he would get whatever it was he wanted THE MOMENT he asked for it in a normal tone of voice. I know, it's a good way to spoil your child, but it was temporary and he NEEDED to learn that a) whining DOESN'T work, but b) asking for things in a pleasant tone IS EFFECTIVE. As he got over the whining we gradually moved to more delayed gratification.

 

Me: What was that? I can't hear what you're saying to me.

Him: Whiiiiinnnnne!

Me: Gee, honey, I see your lips moving, but I can't quite make out what it is you're saying. Try again.

Him: WHIIIINEEE!

Me: Hmmm....you aren't whining, are you? Remember, those whiney pitches don't work in my ears.

Him: Oh yeah. I said, can I have a cookie?

Me: OOOOOOH! A cookie. Why didn't you say so? Yes, of course you may please have a cookie! Here ya go. Thanks for not whining! See how much better that worked?

 

(We worked on please and thank you separately, but I like to toss in "subtle" reminders regardless of what behavior I'm reinforcing...lol. Actually, I feel very successful on the please and thank you battlefield because a while back I heard my kids having a very heated argument that went: "I SAID, no THANK YOU!" "And I said, yes PLEASE!" "No thank you!" "Yes please!" "No thank you!" "Yes, please!" It was hillarious. But I decided I'd brain-washed them thoroughly on that front anyway....lol.)

[NorthwestMom]

I have talked to my kids and have taught them about polite voices. When they whine something at me I remind them, "Tone" and expect them to improve their tone. I don't respond to their message until it is delivered in an acceptable way.

[Mommy22alyns]

It's not only the tone of their voices, but they will actually complain about things. Constantly. What do you do about that?

[muffinmom]

A lot of times I say, "When you're ready to talk in a regular voice, I will listen to you."

[Suzanne in ABQ]

For 3yodd: "I don't understand you when you whine. Please say that again."

 

For 11yods: "That'll be 25 cents from your allowance."

 

For 12yodd: "If you want something, ask for it."

[MeanestMomInMidwest]

It's not only the tone of their voices, but they will actually complain about things. Constantly. What do you do about that?

Complaining is a hard one for me. We all complain, right? I usually let my kids complain to a certain extent, and I sometimes agree with them. As in: You're right, that is a lot of work. Yes, it is a nice day outside and you're stuck in here. Of course, I don't hear them complain if it is whiney. :)

 

The "it's not fair" doesn't play in my house. Life is not fair. The sooner you get used to that, the happier you'll be. If somebody pipes up to say that something isn't fair, I'll probably agree with them, but do nothing to make things fair. Because life. is. not. fair.

[MamaSheep]

It's not only the tone of their voices, but they will actually complain about things. Constantly. What do you do about that?

 

 

For us it depends on what they're complaining about. (And the age of the complainant.)

 

If someone complains that they're bored, I "suggest" a way to occupy their time, such as clean their room, wipe a sink, sweep a floor, etc. that isn't part of their regular chores. After a while they figure out that it's less work to keep that particular complaint to themselves.

 

At meals we have a no complaining about the food rule. Dad works hard to buy our food and mom works hard to prepare it. We try to have things each person in the family likes at one time or another, but since we don't all like the same things, there will inevitably be a time when you are served something you don't like. You can say one time (in a polite tone) that you don't like it; that's information about your tastes and preferences. If you say it again it's complaining. Usually just reminding them that it's "not allowed" is enough. But especially at supper if it gets out of hand they either lose their snack for "snack and story time" before bed (full tummies stay in bed longer), or get sent to bed.

 

During the day, anyone who is chronically complaining (or otherwise being unpleasant) "must" be cranky from not getting enough sleep, because people who got enough sleep are not cranky and complainy. Tired people need sleep. Ergo, if you complain a lot, you're obviously tired, and need a nap. G'nite! Duration of said nap is dependent on your mother's good graces and your attitude, pal. Stalling and/or complaining about the nap will just demonstrate how truly tired you really are, and extend the length of the nap.

 

Yes, I am an ogre.

 

(Although I find that all of this is much more effective when administered in a cheery, sympathetic tone, rather than a cranky accusatory one. "Oh, sweetie, you sound so tired! You're having such a hard time being cheerful today. Better go lie down for thirty minutes and see if you feel better," works better than, "I have HAD it with your attitude! Get to bed and don't come back for half an hour!"

Edited January 11, 2009 by MamaSheep

[MamaSheep]

Complaining is a hard one for me. We all complain, right? I usually let my kids complain to a certain extent, and I sometimes agree with them. As in: You're right, that is a lot of work. Yes, it is a nice day outside and you're stuck in here. Of course, I don't hear them complain if it is whiney. :)

 

The "it's not fair" doesn't play in my house. Life is not fair. The sooner you get used to that, the happier you'll be. If somebody pipes up to say that something isn't fair, I'll probably agree with them, but do nothing to make things fair. Because life. is. not. fair.

 

I do that too. My kids also get, "Well, I'm not asking you to like it, I'm only asking you to do it."

[MeanestMomInMidwest]

I do that too. My kids also get, "Well, I'm not asking you to like it, I'm only asking you to do it."

Oh, funny! I have said "I didn't ask you what you wanted to do, I told you what you have to do."

[CactusPair]

Positive reinforcement (like clicker training for pets!) has worked for me (not perfectly, but I'm satisfied).

 

Instead of giving my energy to the whining, I make a big fuss out of nice behavior and talk, complimenting on dd's pretty princess manners, lovely voice, choice of words, etc. I say, "I really enjoy talking to you and listening to you when you speak in such a pleasant, big person way. I love having you around me when you speak so pleasantly, you're such good company. You're like a little bird."

 

You get the picture. This seems to encourage the kids to want to act appropriately more often because that's what gets my attention and praise.

 

When they do whine and it's bothering me, I make an exaggerated face and say "Ewwwwwww" in an exaggerated way like Lucille Ball. "Yuck," I'll say. "What's a better way to phrase that?"

 

If it's clear that the dc are too tired and not capable of pulling themselves together at that moment I'll rephrase their sentence or request and say "OH, you mean you'd like to use the crayons, please? Well, why didn't you say so?"

 

Sometimes, a curt, very serious "No complaining. I do not accept complaining during lunch," cuts it off. But I have to do this very quickly, nipping it in the bud as a serious warning for it to work. Once complaining builds, it doesn't work anymore. If all else fails, I walk away, making it clear that I really do not accept complaining at this time.:001_smile:

 

Best wishes

[Debbie in OR]

Read the book "It Could Always Be Worse" outloud to your dc several times. Let them cogitate on it.

When complaining starts, assign extra chores and remind them "It could always be worse...and now it is." (Because not only did they not get what they wanted, they now have extra chores).

 

A few rounds of this took care of a LARGE part of complaining from one of my dc.

Edited January 11, 2009 by Debbie in OR
grammar

[ElizabethB]

When my daughter was 4, she had a serious whining habit. I got a 3 minute timer, anytime she asked for anything while whining, she had to go stand in the corner or another room (depending on the number of infractions and the severity of the whine) until the timer was done.

 

At first, she liked going away with the timer and watching the sand run down, but once it got old, it stopped the whining.