Home'scool Posted January 2, 2009 Share Posted January 2, 2009 I think it's great that you adjusted so well, but I'd be leery to advise based on one experience and given what DQ has said about the fact that she cannot force him (the courts would overrule her in a heartbeat because he's 15 and that's a proven fact.) I know it is just one experience I shared, I just don't think the fact that he has friends and a girlfriend are compelling enough reasons to move without him. Most 15 year olds would say they don't want to move. No, you cannot force him, but you can entice him by not playing into the dramatics. That knowledge, coupled with Sunshine's great advice, would be the best route to take IMO Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Renee in NC Posted January 2, 2009 Author Share Posted January 2, 2009 (edited) Going into labor without him would stink, but not the end of the world. It's not like it's your first :D My DH missed our last birth and we were both at home LOL! Driving to the hospitasl might be a pain, maybe you could have a friend be ready to drive you? Church family to watch the other kids? Take them with you and have the 10 year old keep an eye on them in the waiting room. Not ideal, but I bet it isn't the first time the nurses will have seen that. As far as the rest, same advice-get the kids to help! The 10 yo can help get the toddler dressed and into his/her car seat. You can pair them up in when you go out so an older keeps an eye on the younger. Pair them up at home too ( think Duggars lol) and assign a buddy to help them with meals, getting ready for bed etc etc. It wont be fun or easy but you can do it! So, basically, no matter the answer we go with, it is just going to stink. I'll be honest and tell you that the thought of staying in that trailer in that trailer park alone with the 7dc makes me want to throw up. I think I would rather be homeless and have my dh. I better not revisit this anymore today - I am too emotional again. Edited January 2, 2009 by Renee in FL Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Renee in NC Posted January 2, 2009 Author Share Posted January 2, 2009 I know it is just one experience I shared' date=' I just don't think the fact that he has friends and a girlfriend are compelling enough reasons to move without him. Most 15 year olds would say they don't want to move. No, you cannot force him, but you can entice him by not playing into the dramatics. That knowledge, coupled with Sunshine's great advice, would be the best route to take IMO[/quote'] Scarlett answered you before, but I will repeat: Due to custody issues I CANNOT make him go, regardless of my feelings about it. HE gets to choose, not me. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OnTheBrink Posted January 2, 2009 Share Posted January 2, 2009 Another perspective to those in the "make him go/ manipulate him to go/ guilt him to go" camp. IF DQ employs such tactics, it CAN come back to bite her later. Judges really get testy if they feel a child is being coached or pressured to do or say something. IF her son is adamant about staying with his father and since the law says he has that choice, her EX can take her back to court and challenge the joint custody issue, citing the fact she's pressuring him to move against his will. It doesn't matter, in the eyes of the law, what's best for this particular child. The law says he, at his age, can choose which parent to live with. The law doesn't give a fig about moral or religious issues. If there is no proof or documentation that the father's house is unfit, then that card can't be played. As long as the child is fed, clothed, educated, and cared for, it doesn't matter to the courts that the mom wants him with her to move IF the child wants to stay. She CAN NOT MAKE HIM MOVE WITH HER because the LAW says he can stay with his father. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OHGrandma Posted January 2, 2009 Share Posted January 2, 2009 I didn't read all the posts in this thread, so I'm sorry if I am repeating something already brought up. If you stay, you have serious financial issues to solve, but your son will have both his parents readily available. If you move, your financial issues may be solved, but your son will lose face to face contact on a regular basis with one of his parents. Now, here's what I was wondering if you've considered. Since it sounds like you currently have a shared custody arrangement, I'm assuming there is no child support order. If you move and your son stays, will you need to pay support? Adding a support order on either parent will likely cause some issues. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Renee in NC Posted January 2, 2009 Author Share Posted January 2, 2009 So, basically, no matter the answer we go with, it is just going to stink. I'll be honest and tell you that the thought of staying in that trailer in that trailer park alone with the 7dc makes me want to throw up. I think I would rather be homeless and have my dh. I better not revisit this anymore today - I am too emotional again. Okay, recovering some and answering myself: We aren't going to be homeless, even in NC. We are not desparate enough at this point to break up our family - not for my dh to work here in FL without us nor for us to leave my ds in NC. It isn't worth it to me - my dh is WAY more to me than just a paycheck (and all this discussion has reminded me how much he means to me and how involved he is in our lives.:D) My oldest *does* need us in his daily life as much as possible as well (and we need him - it would devastate his siblings!) If he can get a job making $10 a hour that doesn't include a long commute and I can get a PT job in March or April when he is home to take care of the dc, we can make it for 2-2.5 years. It may force us to do some things we don't want to do, but we will have a roof, one vehicle (that we can't all go anywhere in), electricity, and food. There is some debt that we have to pay monthly, so I have to factor that in as well, but it *is* doable. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Renee in NC Posted January 2, 2009 Author Share Posted January 2, 2009 I didn't read all the posts in this thread, so I'm sorry if I am repeating something already brought up. If you stay, you have serious financial issues to solve, but your son will have both his parents readily available. If you move, your financial issues may be solved, but your son will lose face to face contact on a regular basis with one of his parents. Now, here's what I was wondering if you've considered. Since it sounds like you currently have a shared custody arrangement, I'm assuming there is no child support order. If you move and your son stays, will you need to pay support? Adding a support order on either parent will likely cause some issues. You've summarized it very well. No, there is no support order because he splits his time 50/50. If we were to move and leave him there, I *doubt* his Dad would sue for support. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
melissel Posted January 2, 2009 Share Posted January 2, 2009 DQ, I'm glad you were able to come to a decision on this. It sounds like you're at peace with the sacrifices you'd need to make (versus the ones you'd need to make if you move), and that's a good thing. Best of luck making it all work! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Storm Bay Posted January 3, 2009 Share Posted January 3, 2009 Another perspective to those in the "make him go/ manipulate him to go/ guilt him to go" camp. IF DQ employs such tactics, it CAN come back to bite her later. Judges really get testy if they feel a child is being coached or pressured to do or say something. IF her son is adamant about staying with his father and since the law says he has that choice, her EX can take her back to court and challenge the joint custody issue, citing the fact she's pressuring him to move against his will. It doesn't matter, in the eyes of the law, what's best for this particular child. The law says he, at his age, can choose which parent to live with. The law doesn't give a fig about moral or religious issues. If there is no proof or documentation that the father's house is unfit, then that card can't be played. As long as the child is fed, clothed, educated, and cared for, it doesn't matter to the courts that the mom wants him with her to move IF the child wants to stay. She CAN NOT MAKE HIM MOVE WITH HER because the LAW says he can stay with his father. :iagree::iagree: Plus, guilt motivation can be very damaging, and I speak from peronal experience having been motivated by guilt when I was a child and a teen. I've also seen guilt motivation cause problems in others. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Renee in NC Posted January 3, 2009 Author Share Posted January 3, 2009 :iagree::iagree: Plus, guilt motivation can be very damaging, and I speak from peronal experience having been motivated by guilt when I was a child and a teen. I've also seen guilt motivation cause problems in others. Don't worry - I would *never* try emotional manipulation. It's just not my style!:D Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Storm Bay Posted January 3, 2009 Share Posted January 3, 2009 Don't worry - I would *never* try emotional manipulation. It's just not my style!:D No, I didn't think you would based on your posts :). But several posters have suggested these techniques (well meaning, of course, but the guilt motivator in my life meant well, too.) I really do feel for your decision, as I would be just as torn as you if it were my child. But knowing me, I would do as I suggested if that were the only option and do my best to adjust if my eldest were 15 and I was in that situation. And it's always easier to give an opinion when it's someone else!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Join the conversation
You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.