Help! How to make ds more accountable to dh for his schoolwork/attitude toward me?

[klmama]

What have you found to help when your ds got to an age in which he didn't like his mom telling him what to do anymore? How did you adjust things to help him be more cooperative or to help him be accountable to his dad (to take the burden off you)? We used to do daily reports to dad, but it took so much time out of the day to fill out the forms that it became a real burden. Any other ideas, or ideas on how to make the form thing easier?

[klmama]

Anyone?

[Oak Knoll Mom]

Wish I had some wonderful ideas, but we're just heading into those years ourselves. I'll be :bigear: , though.

[Tenaj]

As you can see, I've a whole house full of boys. I've never had much trouble with this issue with my oldest but my second son has had trouble with this for a few years. What I've found works, is that I give him a schedule of what is expected to be done but I try to remember to refer to the author of the curriculum as giving the schedule of what should be done. For instance, we use MUS, so we always refer to Mr. Demme as the math teacher and I verbally refer to Mr. Demme when talking about math.

 

Another thing that has helped that if a bad attitude crops up during the day, a general rule is always followed. If you don't want to do your schoolwork, go to your bed and stay there either until you're ready to work or until Daddy arrives home (the minimum time spent in their bed is an hour) - then you can finish the work scheduled for the day. Granted, my kids basically have no entertainment factors in their rooms - so there is no TV, or computer and when this discipline is in effect they are not even allowed to have a book with them.

 

My husband is very good about checking on how the day went and following up with the boys if there was a problem. I've never used a written report but I can see how a quick checklist could be valuable if there is a problem with attitude. Maybe just a list with checkmarks that is done at the end of the day and one of the boxes could include that there was a problem but child repented and improved attitude. That way you and your husband would give him a chance to make a mistake, repent and go on with the day without having it hanging over his head the whole time. The checkmarks wouldn't take much time out of the day.

 

This is getting long and I don't know how old your son(s) is but I just remembered that when my kids were probably less than 10, they used to earn pennies for each subject they completed without a fuss. Then once a month, we would go to Chucky Cheese and for every five pennies they had - they got a token for a game. It really worked well for a period of time, gave them motivation. Your kids may be too old for that but I thought I'd throw it out there.

[sunshine]

I like the checklist idea, without him having to spend so much time writing each infraction or accomplishment. I have found that my son doesn't like to "waste" time on detail work. He has a tendency to rush through stuff. I have also found that when I talked to him like I talk to the young children he resents being treated like a child. This is a hard age because they really do feel grown in some ways but act like kids in others. I encouraged my son to not try to "act" grown. You know that annoying way they have of refusing to do something like swing because they think it is too babyish? But at the same time I noticed that if I talk to him in a respectful tone he responds. I am not saying that you should give up authority but to try to talk to him in a way you would maybe an employee. They are under your authority but the tone is different. You are talking to an adult that you have authority over. It is so difficult to do this I have found but it is one that works because he is becoming a man and instinctively he is trying to take control of his own life. Trouble is he is still so immature that he gets on our nerves because we KNOW what is the best way and what HAS to be done. And then he resents this ....yada yada yada the whole cycle repeats! and boom you smack him.. Just kidding but you send him to his room. My son got sent to bed last night (granted it was 11:30 and he should have been in bed already) because I didn't have the patience to deal with his manhood issues when he grabbed his sister off his hanging navy seal thing. She didn't listen the first time so he thought he could just make her mind him. I had to remind him, like the harpy I am, she was my daughter to manhandle not his. He didn't hurt her, but his heart was not where it should have been when he removed her from the hanging bar.

Sleep is a BIG thing with teens also. I once read when I was working for a Child Pyschiatrist, that a teenager needs as much sleep as a toddler. I believe that with all my heart. He needs minimum 10 hours a night for me to be able to get through the day with him without me screaming like a banshee (because I do not follow my own sage wisdom and advice).

so, my rambling produces this:

1. He needs SLEEP

 

2. Change the tone in which you talk to him

 

3. do the checklist thing with boxes that he can just check off

 

4 have clear expectations (I fail at this)

clear consequences (I am good at this unfortunately, it should be the other way around!)

 

5. and I believe in hard man chores for consequences too.

 

Talk back ugly? mow the yard

mean to your sister? dig a compost hole

schoolwork not done? pick up leaves for an hour, then go to bed and if you don't do it tomorrow, then same again.

 

Now naturally, there is not an instance of fun stuff if school is not done. No movies, no friends over helping you rake leaves then having a bonfire...

no paintball, four wheeling etc... and I do not budge on this.

at 17.5 he is becoming a rather reasonable human being. Most of the time.

but then again I am rather unreasonable in the throes of hormones and I have to remember that too.

 

I pray for you. I love raising little kids but they always turn into teens!!

But when they are not being a pain I think I like the teens just as much!!

It can be such a sweet relationship with your teen.

Edited December 31, 2008 by sunshine

[Peela]

Not much help here, ds13 can be a challenge, for sure.

I use dh sometimes, but I don't like to constantly do that.

If it gets bad, I bring in a strong consequence, enforce it and it usually gets better for a while.

Scouts is good- he has other authorities, he sees other kids getting "told". He is now a leader there and he gets to "empathise" with and consider others. It's been good for him.

A gratitude diary helps when he has a bad, ungrateful attitude for a while. Daily he has to write 3 things he is grateful for in full sentences. I will keep that diary for life, it has some real gems in it.

Certain things upset him- like adding more work to his assignment sheet. I learned not to do that :)

[beansprouts]

I am not sure that making dh the disciplinarian is going to teach ds to respect you.

[klmama]

I am not sure that making dh the disciplinarian is going to teach ds to respect you.

 

I'm not asking about making dh "the disciplinarian." I'm just looking for ways to help ds be more accountable to dh for how his schooling and attitude are going, much the way that a public school teacher has the parents to back him her or up with education concerns and with attitude problems. Otherwise, I'm it, from 7 a.m. to 7 or 8 p.m. most days, and dh is not involved at all. When ds was little, I was fine being the only person involved. Now, I need dh's help.

[Tammyla]

How old is he?

[klmama]

Maybe just a list with checkmarks that is done at the end of the day and one of the boxes could include that there was a problem but child repented and improved attitude. That way you and your husband would give him a chance to make a mistake, repent and go on with the day without having it hanging over his head the whole time. The checkmarks wouldn't take much time out of the day.

 

 

I like this idea! Simple, conveys the idea, and gives him a chance to show improvement over the course of the day. Dh would still get his written report to discuss with ds, but it would be easier on us. Thank you!

[klmama]

I am not saying that you should give up authority but to try to talk to him in a way you would maybe an employee. They are under your authority but the tone is different. You are talking to an adult that you have authority over. It is so difficult to do this I have found but it is one that works because he is becoming a man and instinctively he is trying to take control of his own life. Trouble is he is still so immature that he gets on our nerves because we KNOW what is the best way and what HAS to be done.

 

This is a very good idea! Thank you for the reminder. He hates being treated like a little kid, even though he isn't ready for anything close to adult responsibilities yet. He's trying, but he's still very young. Your other suggestions are great, too. Thank you!