Web of lies....

[newbie]

I dont know how much longer I can hide, from my mom that is. I know this is horrible, but boundaries have been stepped on for so many yrs., this was my only alternative.

 

We moved w/o telling her, although we kept our old house(not by choice) and ph nbr.

 

We havent talked til recently , I did not give her my new nbr, I call her on my terms. But she passes line again, and visited my old house and dropped off gifts, w/o telling me. She called sis frantically looking for me. But sis acted coy.

 

I called sis and asked if I should give up, but she says I am in too deep and dragged her along.

 

I have had several boundary conversations, and she just never got it. How long can I keep up the charade? Every time I open the door a little , she jumps in and I go back into hiding. I feel like a fugitive. It really isnt fair to everyone.

 

Enough family rant, thanks for listening.

[Rosie_0801]

It's a bit hard to say without more background info. Maybe the two of you need to see a counsellor. Neutral territory helps...

Rosie

[specialmama]

:iagree: Very wise, Rosie.

[newbie]

It's a bit hard to say without more background info. Maybe the two of you need to see a counsellor. Neutral territory helps...

Rosie

 

I have done counseling w/o her. But I like the neutral territory.

[WTMindy]

It sounds like you should probably tell her you have moved. I'm sorry you are going through this!

[Nicole M]

It sounds like you should probably tell her you have moved. I'm sorry you are going through this!

 

You don't necessarily have to tell her where, though. Just sayin'.

 

I'm sorry, too!

[mom2abcd]

You probably ought to tell her you've moved. And if you don't feel "safe" telling her where, then don't.

 

My friend hasn't told her mom and dad that they're expecting baby #8 in a month.

 

Their dd19 is worried they will think the baby is hers.

 

Oh, what a tangled web we weave...

[newbie]

I am afraid if I do tell, she will bother my sis endlessly, who wants nothing to do w/drama, which is what I can understand and want to avoid at all cost.

[Pretty in Pink]

Both of my parents have serious boundary issues. The only thing that has worked for me is to "tell the truth, in love." What I mean is that in your situation and based on the limited amount of information you've provided, I would tell her this: "Mom, we moved several months ago. I did not tell you because I do not want you to know where I live. I have tried to talk to you before about setting healthy boundaries in our relationship but you do not respect what I say. (If she questioned me about this statement I would provide the example of her recently going by your house, uninvited, even though I assume you have asked her not to). Please do not call my sister to talk about me behind my back. If you have something to say to me you have my telephone number; feel free to use it. I would like to work on our relationship when you are ready to hear and respect me."

 

Sorry you are having to deal with this, especially at Christmas:grouphug:

[newbie]

Thank you Elizabeth. I have told her pre moving, that if these issues continued, I would move. They did, and I did move. I knew I should have moved farther, out of this area, then there would be no problems and no visits. I should have listened to my heart.

 

Not meaning to pry, but do your parents respect boundaries and listen to you , if so how have you done it.

 

Mine especially get tripped on at holidays, along w/ boundaries, they make them seem like obligations. Its a downward spiral.

 

Thank you all for your suggestions, maybe I will try it after the holidays.

[Tree House Academy]

I think I am missing a big part of the story here. Does your mom just come over unannounced or is it much, much more than that?

 

I think you need to tell her that you are moving if you don't feel comfortable telling her you already moved. It sounds like she loves you and wants to be part of your life by dropping off presents. I guess I am just missing a whole lot here.

[Pretty in Pink]

Newbie,

 

My parents are both at a place now where they respect my boundaries. It has taken a long time though, I suspect because I was never really firm with either of them about it. For some reason I was afraid of them. It is odd how parents can do that to you. I'm married with four children and fast approaching thirty and yet my parents still intimidate me.

 

Anyway, my parents both have substance abuse issues. They are divorced. My mom is an alcoholic and used to call me when she was wasted to lament about her problems and gossip about my siblings. She would ask to speak to my children and I would make excuses as to why they couldn't come to the phone. I hated it but I would sit and listen to her go on and on.

 

My dad is depressed, pops pills, smokes weed and is an alcoholic to boot. He would pull the same routine as my mom only worse. He would call me complaining about his latest wife and then launch into an explicit tale about some woman he cheated with. He would ask me a thousand questions about my siblings. He would ask to speak with my husband and children whom he has never met. He would even call me threatening to commit suicide. He nearly did this past year but I phoned the police in his state and he was saved.

 

I was very blunt finally with both of them. I basically said "I've got something to say to you. I need you to listen and not speak until I am through speaking. I love you more than you know and I want what is best for you. I want a relationship with you but I cannot let you into my life when you behave like this. Please do not call me if you have been drinking, etc. I will not speak to you when you are drunk. Please do not try to gossip to me about my siblings. I love them very much and the things you say about them and about me are hurtful. I forgive you for what you have said in the past and what you may say in the future. I know that you are not yourself when you are drinking. Everything I have said applies to my children as well: you will not speak to or see them if you have been drinking. I will not let you do to them what you have done to me. I love you and I will help you work on sobriety anytime you sincerely ask for my help."

 

I can't believe I'm going to admit this, but I actually had to write it out and read it aloud over the phone because I was so nervous about saying it. It was a while with both of them before we had any contact after this. My dad still goes through good and bad phases but only calls me on his good days. My mom goes on and off the wagon but only calls me when she is sober. So yes, they are respecting the boundaries I set. It would have hurt if they quit talking to me altogether but that would have been their call, ya know?

[sagira]

To the OP and Elizabeth, :grouphug:

 

Merry Christmas.

[LaxMom]

"I have tried to talk to you before about setting healthy boundaries in our relationship but you do not respect what I say. (If she questioned me about this statement I would provide the example of her recently going by your house, uninvited, even though I assume you have asked her not to). Please do not call my sister <husband, dad> to talk about me behind my back. If you have something to say to me you have my telephone number; feel free to use it. I would like to work on our relationship when you are ready to hear and respect me."

 

 

I had this conversation with my mother a little over 4 years ago. The first time we saw each other after was this summer, when my grandmother was dying, and only because of that. Since then, she has seemed to respect me as a person and my boundaries, but it is a very, uh, "casual" relationship currently.

 

When we were estranged, she would call my husband at work, call my dad (from whom she has been divorced for over 25 years) and try to get them to make me see "reason". Then she would send my eldest email discussing how I need psychiatric help, but that's my husband's problem to deal with... yadda, yadda. I'm an only child, though, so I'm sure she would have preferred to be pressing siblings who don't want to be in the middle of the drama.

 

I feel your pain. The fact is, though, she is unlikely to respect your boundaries if she has another option. I would totally tell her you moved and that you choose not to tell her where, etc. And then :grouphug: to you and your sister, who will be impossibly stuck in her drama until she sets her own boundaries and enforces them.

[newbie]

I think I am missing a big part of the story here. Does your mom just come over unannounced or is it much, much more than that?

 

I think you need to tell her that you are moving if you don't feel comfortable telling her you already moved. It sounds like she loves you and wants to be part of your life by dropping off presents. I guess I am just missing a whole lot here.

 

Yes, she comes over when it is convenient for her. When it suits her schedule, she can see the kids, otherwise she is unavailable. It is all about control, and she wants all of it.

 

So, she comes over unannounced, even times when I have explicitly told her no visitors.

 

And , Elizabeth, I am so happy you laid it on the line and it is working. I pray it continues. Thank you for your support everyone.

[lvbnhome]

due to personal family/past issues... but 2 books I might suggest are:

1. Boundaries by Clark & Townsend

2. The Mom factor... same authors

 

These books really helped us quite a bit in our situation.

blessings,

lacy

[newbie]

I did read boundaries, but will put mom factor on my to read list.

 

Thank you.

[5Youngs]

Both of my parents have serious boundary issues. The only thing that has worked for me is to "tell the truth, in love." What I mean is that in your situation and based on the limited amount of information you've provided, I would tell her this: "Mom, we moved several months ago. I did not tell you because I do not want you to know where I live. I have tried to talk to you before about setting healthy boundaries in our relationship but you do not respect what I say. (If she questioned me about this statement I would provide the example of her recently going by your house, uninvited, even though I assume you have asked her not to). Please do not call my sister to talk about me behind my back. If you have something to say to me you have my telephone number; feel free to use it. I would like to work on our relationship when you are ready to hear and respect me."

 

Sorry you are having to deal with this, especially at Christmas:grouphug:

 

Beautiful advice. :001_smile:

Very helpful words, girl!

You may have missed your calling as a therapist......