Help! I need motivation to make some positive changes to our house rules (long).

[LBC]

Things have been slipping around here, and it's really starting to wear on me. I know a change is necessary, but I want to be sure that I have a well thought out plan in place before I announce that, "Things are going to change around here!"

 

Here's some background:

 

In February, 2007, dh started his own business. I put the kids in school, since dh needed me to run his office. To make a very long story short, school was not a good fit for our family. We made the decision to bring the kids back home, even though I still have a lot of work to do with dh's business. One of the solutions for doing this was to move into a larger house that would accommodate a homeschool room/home office set-up that would work for me to do both. We moved to a much larger home in April, and it's been a wonderful set-up for me.

 

 

Here are some of the problems that seem to have come from these major changes in our family life:

 

• Dd#1 (15) has adopted some teen ideas from being at school with girls her age. I'm not sure if they are changes that I should accept as a normal part of growing up, or if they are things that need to be addressed. For a while she was really pushing the limits with modesty, but I addressed that, and she's made improvements. Some other issues I'm having with her are too much makeup, spending time on Facebook, and reading Fan Fiction (a website of amateur writer's attempts at spin off stories from well known books). She also likes to go to the mall - which I can't stand, but maybe that's just me.:confused:
  
• Ds#1 (13) has been staying up way too late, and it's making life miserable the next day. He's always been a night owl, but I try to keep him on the same schedule as the rest of the world, since I think he needs to be prepared for the realities of life after homeschooling (work, college, etc.). Our old house was much smaller, and so I could tell if he was up at night, but in our new house his room is downstairs, and it's hard for me to know what he's up to after I go to bed.
  
• Ds#2 (11) is an easy kid. He goes to bed on time, and gets up early. He always does his school work quickly. He's a breeze to parent. His issue has to do with TV. I have always had a rule that there is no screen time on school days. This rule is being pushed all the time. Part of the problem is that dh and I are busy with office work after school hours, and so we tend to get distracted and not notice what they're watching or how long it's been. I've started allowing them to watch the Discovery Chanel, but then when I go out to take the other kids to activities, dh is in charge, and he doesn't always enforce the rules, since he's not always sure what I've given permission for. Even as I type this, I know that you're all going to think my solution to this is obvious. I know that I need to take charge in this area. I've been sticking my head in the sand for too long, and have just been glad that they're occupied with something that doesn't mess up the house. I guess I want to have a reasonable and enforcible set of rules for the TV before I take a stand on this issue.
  
• Dd#2 (8) picked up bad habits while she was in school. The other kids spoke to her in a snarky, disrespectful way, and ever since that she's been speaking to me this way. I correct her every time, and remind her that she is not permitted to speak to me that way. She's always very sorry, and I don't think she's fully aware that she's doing it. It has been improving, and I'm hoping that it will continue to improve as she's home with us (she came home from school in April, 2008, after one year).
  
• The other thing that is driving me crazy is their eating habits. With the amount of work I need to do for the business, the kids help themselves when they are hungry. This used to work fine, but lately they are making very bad choices. My grandparents dropped off a large box of Christmas treats on Sunday, and the kids are helping themselves to whatever they want. They've always know that they need permission for this sort of deviation from healthy eating, but they seem to be ignoring the expectations, and playing some sort of wait and see game. It makes me feel as though the only solution is to have a crazy, detailed list of rules, with a crazy, detailed list of consequences. Again, I want to make sure that when I take a stand, the rules will be reasonable and enforcible.
  

Whew. If you've stayed with me through all of that, you deserve a medal! I guess what I'm looking for is a reasonable and enforcible solution to these issues. If I rant and rave, and then do nothing, things will just get worse. I have really great kids. They will follow my rules once I lay down the law. I parent from a relational perspective, and so being a dictator really doesn't work well for me. That said, I'm willing to take a firm stand for a while if it means we'll be able to break some bad habits, and get a fresh start. The kids know that this is coming. I think they're even looking forward to it on some level. Kids need boundaries! I guess I'm just looking for some insight from the hive mind that will get me in the right frame of mind to take on this challenge, but I'm also looking for some feedback on parenting teens, and how to tell the difference between behavior issues and issues of needing more freedom as they mature.

 

Lori

[shell in SC]

I don't know if this would work in your house, but DH has put a lock on our bedroom door (a keyed lock). If food starts getting abused, it goes to my room and I dole it out. It is so counterproductive to find a decent snack food (not just snack foods. . . their fave cereals or pop tarts too) on sale and then stock up only to find it's all gone in a week! That might help with the Christmas treats. We've also locked remote controls, computer keyboards and mouses (mice) and phones up in there too. When a behavior is changed to our satisfaction and we feel we can trust them with a privelege (which ALL of that is) they can get them back with some restrictions.

 

It's worked for us. . .we don't have to use it too often though. . .I do see some WII restriction coming up though if the attitudes don't change.

[joannqn]

Some of our rules may help some of the issues you've mentioned.

 

My kids each have a timer for screen time (computer & video games) and a time limit. If we find them not using their timer, they lose the rest of the time for the day or tomorrow's time, if today's time is gone.

 

Computer time spent for school work doesn't count.

 

Video games played against parents don't count. Video games played with a sibling counts unless they've gotten prior permission from a parent. Permission is usually given but will come with a time limit.

 

They may get permission for extra screen time. This may happen if all chores were done, school is done, attitudes are good, it's a slow day, etc. Extra time will have a limit. If permission is received from one parent, it is the child's job to let the other parent know that they have permission. The other parent respects the time granted. If children are caught lying about having permission, there would be strong consequences.

 

My kids ask permission to get food, even healthy food, outside meal times. It's almost always granted unless it is almost time to eat a set meal. This isn't a rule we set, it's just that our kids ask permission for almost everything they do even though we have never required it.

[SonshineLearner]

I feel for you:-) My two oldest aren't an issue...my 10 year old is. I can make rules that my rule abiding oldest two will choose to follow. Forget it for my 10 year old. I don't make any of the children ask to eat whatever they choose. I don't really have junk in the house. It's fruit, a few chips..yogurt. Of course, since they just chow through any junk food...I just can't afford to buy it because there's no moderation. If I purchase it and don't want them to just eat through it...I just let them know..."This is mine." (If they ate it, and meant to...they'd have to pay me back..so I could buy some more.)

 

It's great that it seems like you can just talk to your children and they respond. I try this with mine, but for my youngest two I just started a "time-out" thing that works for this week. My friend told me about it and I thought it was strict...but then my daughter started pretty much yell at me...and I thought...that's mean too! So, everytime she does something that's not allowed, I calmly say, "Two" and incrementally raise the number by 2's (or sometimes 1) until she stops.... Like "That's 2" and if she argues..."That's 3" (which would mean a total of 3...etc. (She's only got as far as 8 so far)

 

So, for her, this has so far..changed her from someone who would yell and scream...to someone who stops right away. I can't believe it.... Oh yes, the part that she hates (that makes it so she cares) is that she has to have her hands on her head. So yes, I have kids that look like they're being arrested. BUT, if I can do it calmly, and she stops yelling at me...it's worth it.

 

For the TV, you can probably just lock it during certain hours...or lock it to certain channels...or maybe a combination of the two depending on what your control allows.

[shell in SC]

I feel for you:-) My two oldest aren't an issue...my 10 year old is. I can make rules that my rule abiding oldest two will choose to follow. Forget it for my 10 year old. I don't make any of the children ask to eat whatever they choose. I don't really have junk in the house. It's fruit, a few chips..yogurt. Of course, since they just chow through any junk food...I just can't afford to buy it because there's no moderation. If I purchase it and don't want them to just eat through it...I just let them know..."This is mine." (If they ate it, and meant to...they'd have to pay me back..so I could buy some more.)

 

Lucky you. . ."this is mine" doesn't work in my house. . .yes I know we need to work on respect. ;)

[Ginger]

How does the tv timer work? Say child 1 is watching a show on her 'time' but child 2 is watching, too. Do they get double the time? What is child 1 is watching a show that child 2 doesn't really want to watch, but since the tv is on, and they are in the same room, they are kind of watching it anyway...Just wondering how specifics of it works in someone's home.

[LBC]

How does the tv timer work? Say child 1 is watching a show on her 'time' but child 2 is watching, too. Do they get double the time? What is child 1 is watching a show that child 2 doesn't really want to watch, but since the tv is on, and they are in the same room, they are kind of watching it anyway...Just wondering how specifics of it works in someone's home.

 

This has always been a dilemma around here, as well. If they are permitted to watch 2 hours of TV each, how do you administrate it without it being a full time job? This is why I'm trying to find some solutions that are enforcible.

 

Lori

[Laura Corin]

How does the tv timer work? Say child 1 is watching a show on her 'time' but child 2 is watching, too. Do they get double the time? What is child 1 is watching a show that child 2 doesn't really want to watch, but since the tv is on, and they are in the same room, they are kind of watching it anyway...Just wondering how specifics of it works in someone's home.

 

Each child has two hours of TV to use at weekends. If they choose to watch with their sibling, then that counts towards their TV time too. If they are in the same room when the TV is on, even if they are 'not really watching', it counts: we have other rooms, and they can choose where to sit.

 

Best wishes

 

Laura

[Ria]

This has always been a dilemma around here, as well. If they are permitted to watch 2 hours of TV each, how do you administrate it without it being a full time job? This is why I'm trying to find some solutions that are enforcible.

 

Lori

 

My kids have never watched tv (we do watch football...go Eagles!) until this year. For the very first time they are watching a series (Heroes; the boys are 11, 13, 14, 16). We often watch movies as a family, so we aren't anti-screen...just mostly anti-junk, lol.

 

Our issue has been with computer games, XBox and Wii. The rules are hard and fast: everyone needs permission before turning anything on. At that point they are told how long they have. We have 3 days per week that the kids get an hour to play, and if they choose to watch their brothers playing, that counts as their time. I'd do the same if it tv was screen time.

 

Ria

[LBC]

The rules are hard and fast: everyone needs permission before turning anything on.

 

I think this is the key for an enforcible system for my kids. They used to always ask first, but then they started gradually phasing that step out (when I've been busy and distracted with work). I'll find them watching, and rather than telling them to turn it off, I've hesitated. It would really bother me if someone turned off a show that I was in the middle of, so I've been hesitant to do this to them. It seems they've been playing me.:001_huh: From now on, if they turn on the TV without asking, I will walk in and turn it off. I'll let them know ahead of time so that I won't be tempted to second guess my actions.

 

Now I just need some ideas for the other issues we're dealing with!

 

Lori

[Anne]

Regarding food, I think it is reasonable for people to ask for food between meals. The reason is that the person who is in charge of serving meals (you!) needs to be able to know what will be available to cook with! So, to me it's a simple respect issue.

 

Some families have certain foods or types of foods which the children may always eat without asking: fruit and vegetables come to mind as possibilities. The thing is to decide what works for *you* and then make the rules and enforce them.

 

Regarding the 13 yo who stays up too late and won't go to bed. I like the rule a family we know had: After you turned 13, you could decide for yourself when you were going to bed, but if you were grumpy the next day, it was clear that you needed more sleep, so your bedtime was at 8:00. It could be earlier if needed!! It was very matter of fact, and not punitive - the idea was to teach the teens that they were responsible for how they behaved, and it worked pretty well!

 

Hth,

Anne

[LBC]

Regarding the 13 yo who stays up too late and won't go to bed. I like the rule a family we know had: After you turned 13, you could decide for yourself when you were going to bed, but if you were grumpy the next day, it was clear that you needed more sleep, so your bedtime was at 8:00. It could be earlier if needed!! It was very matter of fact, and not punitive - the idea was to teach the teens that they were responsible for how they behaved, and it worked pretty well!

 

 

 

I like this idea! My goal with him is to get him to take responsibility for this area of his life. This idea is reasonable and enforcible.

 

 

Just to clarify, the kids are permitted to help themselves to any of the food in the house. The only thing I expect from them is:

 

• If they use the last of something, they write it on the grocery list.

• They make healthy choices.

• They ask before they eat junk food. As a rule we don't have much junk food around the house, but because of the goodies from my grandmother, there's a lot of it right now.

I think one of the things I need to do to help with this issue is to make sure there are healthy choices in the house that are easy to grab without a lot of prep. Maybe during the holidays I'll brainstorm.

 

Lori