Needy elderly parents after decades of a bad relationship

[BakersDozen]

I have not read all of the responses so forgive me if I repeat something.

My mom now lives 2 streets up from us. For the better part of 24 years she was either involved in my adult life with severely negative consequences or not involved at all. I much preferred the not involved time as it was a huge load off my mind to not have the stress she brings with her everywhere. I don't really need to detail out what she is like save to say narcissistic, and that about sums it up. Yet her health got to a point that she needed help that was minutes away, and we're it. It's been a process for sure made a bit easier by the fact that she has mostly been heavily medicated and unable to get riled up or aggressive. Plus she knows she needs us so she's laying low as far as temper. But we had to quickly establish boundaries in that we are not going to do anything more than is absolutely necessary for her health and/or safety. We put in safety bars and ramps but will not repaint her bedroom just because she doesn't like the color. I will drive her to appointments but not to Starbucks where she'd like to sit and people watch. My husband and I will go over there to bring in mail and spend no more than 15-20 minutes doing something necessary. We told her she needs to hire a handyman for the "needs" in her house.

My husband is the one who would do too much for her and she would take full advantage of that. Thankfully he is aware of how she is and usually limits his time, however I had to step in and flat out tell my mom that he wasn't coming over to install baseboards for her or whatever.

Boundaries are crucial. Answering the phone, hearing a demand for immediate help for a letter can be met with, "Let's see...I can swing by this evening for a few minutes and look at it." And make sure it is just for a few minutes. I realized I don't need to make excuses for why I cannot drop everything every time my mom wants something. Sure, I'll be there in a minute flat if she falls but not to pick up the paper towel she dropped on the kitchen floor (wish I was making this up).

 

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Yet, when we needed help over the years, we never contacted them - we just didn't have that kind of relationship with them.  

I understand this. I asked my mom for help one time. Just once. I called her, my voice was shaking, I was at the end of being able to hold it together. She headed out the next morning...and didn't show up. I finally called her only to hear that she had stopped just an hour away to stay overnight and "play tourist" in town. That visit was the last straw for me.

I show my children what it is to honor one's parent by how we serve a woman who serves no one but herself. I do not say the things to her that I could say. But we don't let ourselves be taken advantage of and we do not enable her - these things I also want to show my children. Our children are seeing what boundaries look like.

 

[Kassia]

You guys are great!  I appreciate the advice/opinions/experiences/support so much and am always sorry to see how many of us have these kinds of relationships with our parents.  It's hard for others who haven't been there to understand.  I am going to take a lot of the advice here and pass it on to DH.  This thread has given me a sense of relief - thank you so much! 

[gardenmom5]

5 hours ago, BakersDozen said:

 I realized I don't need to make excuses for why I cannot drop everything every time my mom wants something. Sure, I'll be there in a minute flat if she falls but not to pick up the paper towel she dropped on the kitchen floor (wish I was making this up).

This.  1000 Xs this.

fyi: excuse are seen as a wedge in the door for them to argue.  just "sorry, that doesn't work for me."  why?  "because it doesn't work for me".  rinse, repeat.

[katilac]

19 hours ago, HeighHo said:

Use the phone software to direct the call so it does not interrupt the work day.   

This is a great idea, even if there's no 'work day' to interupt.  

17 hours ago, gardenmom5 said:

my grandmother liked to "if you don't treat me better, I'll cut you out of my will." this was a frequent manipulative threat.  One day I'd had enough (I wasn't going to hand her a knife so she could stab me in the back with it.), and said "fine, cut me out of your will."   she was speechless.  sometime later, she made the threat again.  I was surprised "I thought you already did".  

Curious minds want to know if she actually cut you out of the will or not 😄

[gardenmom5]

31 minutes ago, katilac said:

This is a great idea, even if there's no 'work day' to interupt.  

Curious minds want to know if she actually cut you out of the will or not 😄

she left everything to my mother.  (which she'd let slip when she wasn't trying to use money to manipulate.)  well, except for the $80K cd she left my sister (which my mom told me about three times to make sure I heard her), because she was always kissing her posterior. 

that's a story . . . My sister was melting down (gives a whole new depth to "foaming at the mouth" she wasn't sane), and accusing my mother of "stealing" her inheritance from her (she did the same thing when my dad died.).   I was at my mom's house the day my sister was there going through everything looking for my grandmother's will because "she promised to leave her money".  she accused my mom of throwing away the will and cheating her. there was an envelope with my grandfather's will. (he'd already been dead for several years.)    My grandmother was VERY UNsophisticated.    I now think she never had a will, and thought my grandfather's would cover her.    my sister's name was on the CD, so my mom gave it to her.

I have something infinitely more valuable.  My self-respect.

[katilac]

8 minutes ago, gardenmom5 said:

 I have something infinitely more valuable.  My self-respect.

Truth! 

[HS Mom in NC]

Just for a little perspective, even people with healthy family dynamics and dear sweet elderly relatives limit calls and helping out to set times and duration because no one has infinite supplies for time, money, and energy to spend.  My maternal grandparents were the kindest, most generous, loving people who ever walked the earth. But between my mom (an only child) and my siblings, we still had to set how much time each of us could contribute to their care, and Grandmother needed professional care at a facility at the end because it was beyond what we could reasonably do and still keep up with all the other responsibilities all of us had in our lives.  Eventually something has to give, and when eventually happens, it's sometimes sooner and sometimes later.

We had them keep a list of anything that needed doing, I went over on Friday evenings with the kids because that's what worked for us, I was back up phone duty if they couldn't get a hold of Mom, my brother went over every other Saturday morning to handle outdoor and heavy maintenance, my Mom handled doctor's visits on 2 days a week (regular visits can often be scheduled far enough in advance so that it can be the same day of the week) and so on.

Also, having an adult child with mental health issues can mean having to limit help to certain types and certain amounts. It can mean advising them to call their psychiatrist or other doctor.  None of that is unloving.