Potential of a child

[alexfam]

How do you know if your child is living up to their full potential? How do you know if you are giving material that is to hard or if it is to easy? How do you know if your child is as gifted as you think or more gifted than you think or not as gifted as you think?:confused:

[KAR120C]

How do you know if your child is living up to their full potential? How do you know if you are giving material that is to hard or if it is to easy? How do you know if your child is as gifted as you think or more gifted than you think or not as gifted as you think?:confused:

If it makes you feel better, I'm quite sure that no one ever "lives up to their full potential"! Not because we're all lazy bums, but because the costs (emotional, physical, etc.) would be way too high. You can push yourself to the limit, but for most situations the effort it takes is unreasonable. So you can stop worrying about that. ;)

 

On the other hand, I do think it's important for each of us to push ourselves slightly beyond our comfort range (and to encourage our kids to do the same) -- not where it becomes overwhelming and risks our well-being, but to where it stretches us. Like exercise, you work a little harder than you want to, and over time you get better at it. (But you don't just hop up and run a marathon first thing, even if you're sure you'll be able to someday.)

 

So it's less a question of what one's full potential is, and more a question of where one's abilities are right now. And more important, how far you can nudge before you're overwhelmed. I call that the "low simmer" point. The work should be challenging enough that you have to pay attention and make an effort, but not so challenging that you can't see where to start. If it's too easy and you can coast through without attention and effort, then you're not stretching enough.

 

Gifted or not, I'd use the same measure for any child. It doesn't matter what the kid's full potential is, or how far they'll eventually get, or whether they're gifted. What matters is determining just where they can stretch a little, and how far you can nudge before it's too much. One thing you can try if you're really unsure of the right fit, is just ramping up the level a LOT and see if it's too much. If it isn't, do it again. Sometimes it's too easy to get stuck in a "do the next thing" rut and we don't notice that "the next thing" isn't coming fast enough. Once you've figured out how much is too much, back off until it's just right. But don't be afraid to readjust again if you think you're off -- that's one of the really excellent things about homeschooling, we really can turn on a dime! :)

 

Testing isn't really going to tell you that, although if you're concerned that you might be missing something I wouldn't hesitate to test... We did, and I don't regret it at all. It was actually very helpful in the long run, but in your day-to-day work it's going to matter more that you know the kid and know where he is academically right now.

[Amber in AUS]

Great thread. I have been wondering the same thing myself.

[Donna]

especially when music professionals started suggesting that I take my almost 4yo dd to a music teacher who lived 5 hours away. I was thinking if she isn't that talented really, then I didn't need to use up so many family resources (time, money, etc...) to nurture her talent but if she was and I didn't nurture her, would I be able to live with that. I found another option but it was a tough few months until we found the option we could live with. For those few months, I agonized over whether or not making certain choices would limit her potential and had a real need to know what her potential was...something no one could possibly know since we don't have any crystal balls.

 

I have calmed down a lot since then and now have come to see that knowing how gifted my children are doesn't change what I am doing for them schoolwise (though I still don't know whether or not I would pour so much money into her music if she wasn't who she is). I teach each to their ability level...keeping them challenged but not frustrated. I would introduce them to the same things regardless of whether their IQ was 80 or 160 and just teach them as much as they could handle.

 

I had dd tested but not her older brothers but it was to help me get a handle on where her instructional level was since she was not a sequential learner. Knowing IQ level (potential) didn't help me at all but knowing where she was achievement-wise did give me a starting point and we experimented from there to find something that challenged her. I know where it becomes instructional (that "low simmer" another poster suggested) when she doesn't immediately know it. I tend to ramp things up slowly with her because she tends to be a perfectionist and it is easier not to frustrate her. I have found that providing her lots of options then following her lead has worked wonderfully. She still isn't a sequential learner and is all over the place level-wise but I have become more comfortable with it.

 

I have worked with children for 15 years...am a physical therapist for an early intervention program. I have learned through that work to never underestimate kids and what they might be capable of doing. I have worked with kids who doctors told parents at birth would never walk and talk who have ended up being ahead of age peers by their second birthday. I treat every child moving toward the next step, whatever that next step might be for them. I am always challenging them to do just slightly more than they thought they could do.

 

No one lives up to their "full potential." Scientists say that we all use only a minute percentage of our brain's capability. Time restrictions and resource limitations will always cause us to make choices. My goal for my kids is that they have the ability/option to go in whatever direction they chose when they are old enough and mature enough to make that decision. Learning isn't a race to me. They will be able to learn throughout adulthood. As long as they know how to learn and where to find answers, they will do well in whatever field they decide to pursue. In the meantime, I will simply challenge them everyday to do a little more than they thought they could do.

[LisaKinVA]

I try not to worry so much about my children's potential -- it's hard, especially when I know they could stretch themselves further, but lack the motivation to do so. I have to separate what I think they should wand and do from what they actually want and do.

 

This doesn't mean I let my children "skate" -- because they don't thrill to the challenge of more advanced materials, it means I pick and choose how much to challenge -- and try to find that balance.

[Storm Bay]

You don't, and they may or may not be. I didn't live up to my potential in a number of areas and am a happy, functioning adult who is using some of my areas to their fullest if not all of them. I try not to live in the land of "what if's." My dc aren't in every category, but I don't want them to lose the love of their hobbies. My dd's "ought" to be taking serious art & music lessons, but the money isn't there and they don't want to be told what to draw/paint, etc. My ds "ought" to be doing several instruments, but the money isn't there. They do an art curriculum at home (actually 2) and have taken some workshops. I'm teaching them music, but not to the extent I'd like to because they lollygag with their academics. I'm not even going to start with potential vs output there! But it's what they choose to do with what I do make them do that will count in the end, and I do become far more "draconian" as they approach high school.

[JWSJ]

Gifted or not, I'd use the same measure for any child. It doesn't matter what the kid's full potential is, or how far they'll eventually get, or whether they're gifted. What matters is determining just where they can stretch a little, and how far you can nudge before it's too much. One thing you can try if you're really unsure of the right fit, is just ramping up the level a LOT and see if it's too much. If it isn't, do it again. Sometimes it's too easy to get stuck in a "do the next thing" rut and we don't notice that "the next thing" isn't coming fast enough. Once you've figured out how much is too much, back off until it's just right. But don't be afraid to readjust again if you think you're off -- that's one of the really excellent things about homeschooling, we really can turn on a dime! :)

 

Well put!

[Desert Rat]

I too worry about this subject, although much less than I used to. I used to feel my son's giftedness was an overwhelming burden especially when we first caught on. Now, we have a saying, "As long as he uses his powers for good and not evil, we're happy."

I have never lived up to my full potential but I feel like I am a happy, grounded person. I just didn't take the path in life where my talents had the highest potential. I do not want my kids to feel like I felt with my parents (although they are wonderful parents) that I disappointed them by not pursuing a different path.

I just make sure they are challenged by their work and not overwhelmed. When tears start, that's usually an indication that something is too advanced. That or the blank stare. LOL Then I reexamine what I'm doing and correct it if possible.

[LisaKinVA]

I have never lived up to my full potential but I feel like I am a happy, grounded person. I just didn't take the path in life where my talents had the highest potential. I do not want my kids to feel like I felt with my parents (although they are wonderful parents) that I disappointed them by not pursuing a different path.

 

This is so true. My dh and I talk all the time about this. Just because one "can" doesn't necessarilly mean one "should."

 

Numerous people (college profs and relatives) all feel like I "wasted" my potential because I didn't go to law school (dad's version) or get my graduate degrees (MA/PhD - Comms/Poli Sci). I spent a summer working in a law firm and just hated the lifestyle. I was pretty certain I didn't want that for my life. While I had really good financial aid offers from Penn State and Wake Forest for graduate studies, my heart wasn't in it either... so I just didn't (there was more to it, but that's another life!).

 

But, I don't regret those decisions either.

 

The most important things we can do is to make sure our children are prepared to live their lives -- offer as much guidance (practical and academic) as we can, but recognize that just because WE see them as a world-renouned engineer or nobel-winning physicist, they may be very happy, well rounded adults who are pursuing a lot less lofty goals and that's okay too.

[Storm Bay]

This is so true. My dh and I talk all the time about this. Just because one "can" doesn't necessarilly mean one "should."

 

Numerous people (college profs and relatives) all feel like I "wasted" my potential because I didn't go to law school (dad's version) or get my graduate degrees (MA/PhD - Comms/Poli Sci). I spent a summer working in a law firm and just hated the lifestyle. o.

 

 

I agree. My piano teacher was like this. She won every trophy there was in the city festival and had been accepted to Julliard. She won a tour playing piano concerts across western Canada and hated living out of a suitcase. The summer before she was to go to Julliard she spent in a small town and met the man she married. She started a return when I was a kid, but had never learned to drive and didn't want to move to the city, so changed her mind after a number of concerts.

 

fwiw, she only started piano at 10 because her grandmother thought she was too much of a tomboy, and she loved living in a rural area, had goats, a garden, taught piano had had a wonderful marriage (but they never had children.) She was a positive influence on many students, too, one of whom was an opera singer in Europe for a number of years (but not world famous.)

[SunshineMom]

My father was offered a full scholarship to MIT when he was 15yrs old and turned it down to go surfing! He was gifted in many areas including music, arts, chemistry and math but he choose not to live up to his potential. I know another young man who scored a perfect SAT and had an IQ of about 160 but works as a dishwasher. I think it is important, in some ways, to down play giftedness so that the child feels they have worth as a noble soul rather than just for their brillance. Whether a child is gifted or not, every child should know they are a spiritually valued member of our global world. How they contribute in the way of their life is entirely a spiritual question.

[Donna]

I think it is important, in some ways, to down play giftedness so that the child feels they have worth as a noble soul rather than just for their brillance. Whether a child is gifted or not, every child should know they are a spiritually valued member of our global world. How they contribute in the way of their life is entirely a spiritual question.

 

 

In our household, we downplay our children's giftedness and praise them more for their hardwork, creativity, perseverence, etc...characteristics in them that will allow them to succeed in the world no matter what they decide to do with their lives. For example, even though dd is very musically gifted, that isn't what is stressed to her or even mentioned to her at home (we can't help what others say to her but even when responding to comments we always include something that shows she works very hard and loves to play). We praise her motivation to practice, her perserverence when something is difficult, her drive to master material, and her love of playing. Whether she decides to continue with music or not, those things will always be a part of her in other endeavors and she will never need to feel like she let us down but that we love her because of who she is and not what she does with her life.

[elise1mds]

I am loving this thread. I was one of those kids who never "lived up to their potential." I had scholarships to go to school for journalism and turned them down to take a job as a journalist and get married to an Aussie bum (he's no longer a bum; he is a wonderful provider for our family). My dad was very, very upset. My 6-yo ds is now reading way ahead of most of his peers, and my 3-yo dd is sounding out words, too. I praise them, but at the same time I want them to know that their gift is just a gift and not who they are. I want them to like themselves as good people, not good students. However, I still try to challenge them. It's a tough balance, and I like to think that since I am the one who will be teaching him, I can work on that delicate balance better than any teacher. Hopefully I don't shatter anything in the process!

[Mommyof4ks]

I too used to worry about this, and then my idea of 'potential' changed. I used to attach the word potiental to how much money they could make or how far they could go with a certain 'gift'. Now I don't discount the challenges that life throws at us to toss onto a better path. When my son got sick a couple of years ago, my DD (6 at the time) announced that she wants to help raise money to find a cure for all of these kids, and she wants to devote her life to helping children with illnesses (not in the medical profession). That is a very noble thing to do, and she should feel very good about her contribution to society.

[Ame E.]

I guess I feel my job is to help them find out what their potential is... and to motivate them be the best that they can be... I believe that God helps in the process by opening doors and providing certain opportunities. I truly do believe that if a door is not opened at this moment, it may get opened some other time, or it is not in the best interest of the child.. That said, some kids only learn through the school of hard knocks.. and that curiously enough can also help them realize their potential.

 

It means basically them "showing up for work" (i.e., getting their school work and in our case music done).. Making sure the workload is reasonable and individual and setting limits. Also, from the parent's point of view realizing that they go through stages.. so what they can or can't do now might change today, tomorrow or next year... especially in the teens..

 

Thanks

 

Ame