Nm

[Chris in VA]

Nm

Edited September 26, 2018 by Chris in VA

[easypeasy]

29 minutes ago, Chris in VA said:

So, Dd is coming home Friday for the weekend . We are moving the next weekend, out of country. It is her first and last visit home, to the home she's known nearly all her life. She has to pack her room, say goodbye, etc. Not easy. We will see her in two weeks when we bring our car to her. She is 2 hours away. 

Here's the thing: We asked her to find a ride home so we wouldn't have to drive 4 hours. And, so that on Sunday, she can stay til dinnertime, because I can't drive at night, and would have to leave with her at about 2pm to get her back and drive home while it is still light. 

She fussed a bit. She tried somewhat to find a ride, balked at taking the bus, and just acted rather entitled, I felt. Ended up she couldn't find a ride.  Finally, I agreed to get her and take her back; ds will help drive her back so she can stay later Sunday. 

I messaged her bf in a lighthearted way, saying Boy is your girlfriend tenacious! And I called her out on acting rather entitled. He quickly corrected me that  he did not see that at all. I then hear she was hurt, not annoyed. Annoyed =the emotion of entitlement. Hurt is completely different. 

How do I get my daughter to share how she really feels? I don't think I was unreasonable. But I certainly wasn't trying to hurt her! 

 

ooohhhhh. I think that's a lot. Is she a first-year college student and 18 years old? Who was she supposed to find a ride with? Someone else willing to drive 2 hours from school and then turn around and drive straight back? Someone from hometown who would have to do the same? That's a lot to ask of a person, and I can see why she drug her heels a bit. I would have felt a lot of emotions saying goodbye to my lifelong home and then felt sort of upset at the prospect of having to "find someone" to drive me back home because I would probably have been an emotional mess on that drive and would have wanted to spend those two hours driving with my family, where we could continue to discuss house and family memories before you guys head out of the country...

As far as how to get her to share her feelings? I would probably call her and say, "Hey, I've been so swept up with the 'practicality' of moving that I think I might have come across as rather utilitarian when talking with you about finding a ride back to campus. I totally did not mean to sound like that and, if I did, I do apologize. Ive got so much going on and am checking so many boxes, that I sort of added this to my 'list' without realizing what a big weekend this could be for you. I know we've already sorted it out that we'll get you back home, but wanted you to know that my original plan for you to find a ride didn't mean that I didn't want to spend that time with you..."

(but this is coming from someone for whom driving 2-hours one-way to pick up a kid happens all. the. time. But I would have planned from the get-go to have found someone who would help *me* get her back home, vs having her catch a ride with someone else. So, we might just be coming from this from two very different viewpoints. ?  If my parents were moving from My House and I only had one weekend to "say goodbye" to the house AND, pretty much, to my parents as well... I'd be more than a bit touchy - I'd be a basketcase!! ? )

Edited September 26, 2018 by easypeasy

[katilac]

This is a big, emotionally-laden change for her. Probably a pretty scary one, too. Her feelings are probably all over the place! 

Is there a reason your dh can't drive her home Sunday evening? Or can you just stay the night there? I know time is short before the big move, but I'd do it if possible. She's probably wanting the comfort of both having one of you guys drive her while also staying as late as she can. Maybe being a little difficult about it, but again, this is a big deal for her. She's pretty young to be completely rational about it. 

I would just apologize for hurting her without delving into the fact that she didn't express herself very well. Your emotions are surely running high as well, and it's so easy to get into arguments when everyone is stressed and emotional. 

Also? My college kids would lose their ever-lovin' minds if I sent that text to a friend or bae! ?

[catz]

Well, she just left home for the first time.  Now she is saying goodbye to her childhood home.  And then her mom is complaining about needing to pick her up to do that when maybe she was already feeling sad and stressed about the visit.  That’s a lot of changes for someone to go through all at once.  And texting the boy friend about it isn’t necessarily  great form either.   I would have been terribly hurt by this at this age.   If she acts out of character, maybe ask her why instead of assuming the worst.  I’m sure getting ready to move is all encompassing and distracting but I’m not sure what else she should have done?   I’m guessing anything she felt like she could say would make her feel like she was complaining.   Daughters often perceive their mother’s stress levels and I’m guessing she felt like she couldn’t say anything.  It sounds like a simple understanding at a stressful time but communication is a 2 way street and lots of young adults are still learning the ropes.

[Chris in VA]

Nm

Edited September 26, 2018 by Chris in VA

[Chris in VA]

Nm

Edited September 26, 2018 by Chris in VA

[katilac]

9 minutes ago, Chris in VA said:

 She has not indicated at all that us driving her is a comfort 

She is not telling us in words about missing us 

 

 

I don't think it's necessarily something an 18-yr-old is going to put in words. 

The comfort of going to get her and going back with her isn't about her not doing any of the driving. 

2 minutes ago, Chris in VA said:

 The thing is, she hasn't really said that it would be comforting to have me there. I don't think it is. I think she is seeing my willingness to take her back and forth as an indication of...IDK, how much I miss her? Like I should jump at the chance to go get her, like we are so lucky she will come home at all. Well, not really like that, but it felt like that. Now I know she felt hurt. But it was only in joking around with her boyfriend that I found that out. 

1

 

Maybe it is a little bit like that, but she's 18 and just started college and her parents are selling her childhood home and moving across the world. It's a big deal. Her universe has been flipped upside-down. She might actually have some emotional need right now for you to indicate that you do miss her and that she's important and that you do feel lucky she is coming home. And of course you're already doing this in the typical ways, I'm sure, but right now she probably needs some over-the-top indications. And there's a good chance she be a bit petulant this weekend and occasionally obnoxious, and I would just expect that and extend a lot of understanding. 

Again, I wouldn't expect her to flat out say it would be comforting to have you there, but I'd assume most young people in this situation would indeed be comforted. 

[Chris in VA]

This is good for me to think about. Just for clarity, we live in a rectory, which she has always known was temporary, and we are not selling our other home. But YES, it is a big deal. It certainly is to me, too. To all of us. She is only 18, though. I forget that sometimes. 

Oh, I know it isn't about who is physically driving. I just tbrew that in there. I don't honestly know how much my presence is a comfort. I do think she is more comfortable than with a stranger or a not-close friend. I think that is more a function of familiarity and her own convenience than a true I-want-my-mom thing. She isn't very demonstrative most times. 

 I will try to get over my own irritation and try to be more sympathetic. 

Do you think it is ok for me to reassure her that I want her to share her true feelings? 

Edited September 26, 2018 by Chris in VA

[katilac]

3 minutes ago, Chris in VA said:

 Do you think it is ok for me to reassure her that I want her to share her true feelings? 

 

 

I'd probably play it by ear. With my kids, if they seemed a bit pensive or huffy, I'd probably bring it up. If they seemed over it and just happy that I came to get them, I might just leave it at that if I thought the whole thing (being hurt and not saying so) was driven more by stress rather than by an overall reluctance to share her feelings. 

It is possible that I have once or twice offended my children when I meant to be reassuring them, so I personally would think of my wording ahead of time. When I'm on my game, I don't say "you should have" because they can hear that as "you did the wrong thing and I'm annoyed" when that's not what I mean at all. I try to only talk in terms of the future, "you can always tell me if you are hurt or angry, don't worry about making me feel bad."