Can maturity be taught?

[Rebecca in VA]

Yesterday I was discussing a friendship situation with my daughter. She didn't seem to be grasping what I was saying, so I tried to phrase it another way. I said, "Imagine if (a similar situation with different characters and a different activity)" and she said, "Well, I CAN'T imagine that because it never happened."

 

After beating my head against the car window (figuratively -- this child has such a literal "boy" brain!), I got to wondering about the concept of maturity. Both my children have been slow to grow up, see the other side of things, etc. But they're both book-smart. I know other children who aren't nearly as book-smart but who have an intuitive maturity that makes them seem much older.

 

In fact, one of my friends has one of each: an older daughter who is mature and thoughtful, and a younger daughter who is impulsive and immature. The mom isn't doing anything different in her raising of these two girls. Why are they turning out so different?

 

So what "causes" maturity? Can it be taught? For example, if a mom were to discuss abstract topics a lot with her child -- whether he seemed ready for them or not -- would that cause the child to rise up and meet the mental challenge? Or would it cause the child to put his fingers in his ears and tune the mom out?

 

Is maturity just on an inner timetable which can't be interfered with? Does the fact that my husband and I were late to mature have anything to do with the fact that our children are also late to mature?

 

If you have a mature child, was he or she born that way, or did circumstances make him that way? I'd love to read people's thoughts on this.

[mrsdash]

I'm interested to hear this,too. I have 3 who seem on the mature side and one who is "out there". And the funny thing is that she is a twin. C is mature and B is so spacey. It just seems to be how she is.

[Tabrett]

My 14 year old dd was very mature and struggles with being "book smart". When she was little, she was very compassionate, wanted to please, understood stories that had a teaching point, professed Christ at 5, didn't understand why her friends would act mean (you just weren't mean to friends) and it was important to always obey. She did play silly just like any other dc.

 

My dd5 is completely oblivious. If I try to explain a story with a moral she is blank. Everything is concrete. She is not very interested in pleasing, obeying is just something you have to do unless you won't get caught. She is going to be very books smart. Her reading level at 4yrs old is equal to my 14dd reading level at 6yrs old.

 

Same mom and dad, same loving environment, very, very different children.

 

I don't think maturity can be taught. If so, what did I do wrong with my 2nd child?

[Renee in NC]

I think maturity generally is a direct result of responsibility and freedom. I said generally because there are always differences, but I have found that my dc usually rise to whatever expectations I set for them. This has been true in child care situations as well.

 

I don't see "maturity" as the issue in the scenario, though. It seems that the issue has more to do with personality differences. Some dc are more literal than others, some have a greater conscience, others are more able to see something from different angles. I don't know that these things will change with age, though.

[LisaKinVA]

I don't see "maturity" as the issue in the scenario, though. It seems that the issue has more to do with personality differences. Some dc are more literal than others, some have a greater conscience, others are more able to see something from different angles. I don't know that these things will change with age, though.

 

:iagree: The differences being described are personality driven -- not nurture/environment driven. While we are "all parts of one body" -- not one of us is exactly like another, and we do not function exactly the same. Some were born to be the mouth piece, others the heart, hands, and feet. Society, the church, even our families -- can not work if everyone has the exact same personality, drive, talent, and function.

 

With four children in our family, not one of us is like the other. Some of that is nurture/environment -- but most of that is just that we are completely different people.

 

I also have four (well, for the next 7-9 weeks anyhow). They each amaze me in their own ways. They each are very different from one another. They each interact with people very differently -- they've all pretty much lived and breathed the same family and environment for the majority of (if not all of) their lives.

[BMW]

I get to wondering about this, too... I think a lot has to do with family dynamics and that inside families the variances are personality difference for the most part... BUT, I have seen where a child takes after a particular parent SO much in this way. So, I wonder about genetics of it all.

For example, the "book smart" verses "common sense". In new dh family there is a sister who is very intelligent, but makes decisions that just don't work out... immature decisions... doesn't apply the common sense. And I've seen it in some family members. And another son who struggles with IQ AND has no common sense and I worry for him. He doesn't seem to get actions related to consequences (if I push this here, it will go there). Dh worries about that, too, because it is an important life skill.

Do you think IQ has much to do with common sense?

Do you think there is a genetic link?

[Mx5]

 

So what "causes" maturity? Can it be taught? For example, if a mom were to discuss abstract topics a lot with her child -- whether he seemed ready for them or not -- would that cause the child to rise up and meet the mental challenge? Or would it cause the child to put his fingers in his ears and tune the mom out?

 

Is maturity just on an inner timetable which can't be interfered with? Does the fact that my husband and I were late to mature have anything to do with the fact that our children are also late to mature?

 

If you have a mature child, was he or she born that way, or did circumstances make him that way? I'd love to read people's thoughts on this.

 

We've all known people who have been book smart then gone on to make horrendous life decisions. We also know people who may not have scored well on the ACT, but are very successful and happy. What's with that?

 

I was talking to my brother in law about this, and he talked to me a bit about emotional intelligence, and how that is measured.

 

More information on multiple intelligences is here.

 

Your questions are not easily answered. What I've seen in life, though, is that maturity comes primarily by virtue of chronological time. Sometimes we have very unrealistic expectations of our kids' maturity levels when they are young. They aren't little adults - in fact most neurologists would agree that the way kids think and adults think are quite different solely on the basis of the differences in brain structures at given ages.

 

No doubt experiences can help our kids to mature. But I am doubtful that maturity can be taught - it must be grown into.

 

Then again we all know grown adults who act like big babies. :lol:

[Peela]

I have a born-mature child and one late maturer. There is a definite personality difference, as everyone with more than one child soon realises. Dh was considered a late maturer- I was considered an early maturer but ended up quite damaged from the lack of emotional support as my intellect was way ahead of my emotions.

 

However I am sure that environment can play a role in encouraging maturity or not. Sometimes kids grow up fast because they are in a tough environment and have to just to survive. Parents can keep their kids young, too, by being over protective and not extending trust and increasing responsibility appropriately. The particular dynamics of every person in every situation, their environment, their particular parents and birth position in the family are all going to influence the child. But nothing is going to actually change their unique and individual character- only influence it this way and that.

[Sharon H in IL]

What Peela said. :D

 

I think environment can mess with one's built-in timetable, but not in a direct, cause and effect way. Human beings aren't programmable.

 

And boy brains take longer to finish cooking, anyway.

 

I think what we *can* do as parents is to talk to our children about moral, ethical, and spiritual choices, to act as 'scaffolding' (a wonderful metaphor) to help their thinking to grow beyond their own experiences, and see a wider perspective.

[8filltheheart]

My personal opinion is that it depends on the "type" of immaturity. If it is the "being babied b/c someone does everything for me therefore I never have to learn how to do certain things," then yes, it can be a factor of not being taught the skills of being independent.

 

However, there are certain personality traits that are inherent to the individual and it is not something that has been fostered or created. There are people that fail to accept personal responsibility for any actions well into adulthood.