How much help to give 12yo with service project?

[matrips]

Just looking for a little perspective.  My 12 yo dd is part of a girls group at church and every few months they do some kind of service project.  This one involved asking for and collecting donations for baby supplies to a local home that provides supplies and education to women facing unexpected pregnancies.  Each girl was supposed to collect stuff on their own, and then as teams they would come up with decorations and games etc for a baby shower. My dd did nothing until this evening (the 'baby shower' is tomorrow).  She finally printed up flyers and made a list of who to deliver them to in the neighborhood, and I said I would post to our local homeschool coop as well.  Obviously she'll have nothing to bring tomorrow (she now has her own deadline of 10 days from now).  I reminded her at least a half dozen times over the past month. She was always going to do it 'later'.   I said I would help post her flyer to local friends once she made/printed them (I had given her a sample flyer that another girl had made).  If she had ever asked me the numerous times I was out shopping to pick up something, I would have.  But baby stuff is just not on my radar on any normal day.   I asked her to write stuff she needed to do (or have done) on her calendar; she didn't. I also need to come up with a potluck dish to bring tomorrow as well for her.

 

She loves the group.  It's a sweet bunch of girls.  She loves the idea of doing community service.  We've done service projects as a family or part of our 4H group; I'm involved in implementing those since I am one of the leaders.  I don't attend the girls group; I just drop her off.  How involved do you get in projects that your kids are responsible for?  This is not uncommon for her.  Is it typical of tweens/teens?  Or it is typical of executive function issues?  Or are parents supposed to be doing all this in their kids' names?  She definitely has lots of free time.  More than me.

 

 

 

[FriedClams]

At that age I would have sat with her week 1 to make a schedule. I'd have her do it, but I'd lead her with questions to help. Then I'd check in with her each week to make sure she's on track. It's kind of like their first paper...they write an outline...then an intro...etc. Project management is a skill that needs to be learned/taught.

 

I've mentored about 10 eagle scouts and it isn't a sink or swim ordeal. It's step by step.

[DawnM]

It just so depends on the child.  Child #1 (ASD) needed (still needs) LOTS of help.  He is 19.  He still struggles to do things on his own.

 

Child #2 is 17 and needs reminders but will do it on his own.

 

Child #3 is 13 going on 27 and has been doing things on his own for years and wouldn't need me to even talk to him about it.

 

They are all just SO, SO different! 

[matrips]

At that age I would have sat with her week 1 to make a schedule. I'd have her do it, but I'd lead her with questions to help. Then I'd check in with her each week to make sure she's on track. It's kind of like their first paper...they write an outline...then an intro...etc. Project management is a skill that needs to be learned/taught.

 

I've mentored about 10 eagle scouts and it isn't a sink or swim ordeal. It's step by step.

I like the idea of thinking about time management with an outline. I'm not sure it will work for her though I'll try it next time. She did an 'outline' for a paper today. She once more didn't follow instructions on how to do an outline. She's also the child that writes things or does an assignment, and then can't find it so she'll do it again. And sometimes again. She has a 4h project that has needed finishing for over a month as well. She has set goals and deadlines, and then forgets about them. The deadline changes to the following week. Rinse. Repeat. What do you do when they just don't do it? For things that are finally a 'must' to me, I ultimately set a deadline and she doesn't go to bed until it's done. Not fun staying up to all hours though.

 

And while a sweet girl, she does not like to be reminded/nagged about things or like suggestions on how to get things done. She 'knows'. And I don't like getting the brunt of her attitudes.

[AK_Mom4]

I think it depends on the ramifications of failure. In a case like this, where her failure to do stuff is only going to have the consequence of her being embarassed.... well, I would have probably reminded once and then let her flop.

 

For bigger ticket items where failure has a heftier price tag, I would step in and scaffold. At age 12, failure to deliver is often because they don't know where to get started or its overwhelming, so we break things up into bite-size chunks. And I don't hesitate to remind them what happened "last time" when they put things off.

 

But I hate the attitude and the fights, so I save the interventions for when it actually matters and let the kid live with some failure if they don't follow through on their commitments.

[Farrar]

I think she's being very typical.

 

I think it's okay to either choose to really scaffold for her and make it happen so she feels success or to let her mess up. Both are potentially good lessons in their own way.

 

If there were a consequence for the whole group - for example, if the project couldn't go forward without a component she needed to do - then I would be more inclined to be more hands on about it. But in this case, I think how you handled it was fine.