Muslim moms - a question (or two)

[AimeeM]

My sister is engaged to a young Muslim man. She has converted to Islam.

 

She told my other brother-in-law (married to another of my sisters) that she cannot hug him. Well, more specifically her fiance told my BIL that my sister couldn't hug him (BIL) any more, and cited their religious views as the reason.

 

I'm a bit confused, because when she visited us - without her fiance - later in the summer, she hugged my husband. Her fiance hugs me and he hugs my DD15. 

 

When I tried to research it, what I read stated that Sister's fiance shouldn't be hugging women - or girls under the legal age - and that she (sister) shouldn't hug male relatives that are considered legally free for marriage.

 

I'm confused. 

 

ETA: I'm not upset about it. We're pretty big in this house about only hugging those you want to huge. I'm confused because my sister seems to hug male relatives outside of the presence of her fiance, and because BIL hugs all of us (women in the family), and I could only find one article. 

Edited November 14, 2016 by AimeeM

[idnib]

I can see why you're confused because of the inconsistency, but because nobody has ever has to hug someone if they don't want to, I would just let it go.

[AimeeM]

I can see why you're confused because of the inconsistency, but because nobody has ever has to hug someone if they don't want to, I would just let it go.

I'm absolutely on board with nobody hugging anyone they don't want to. This is a pure curiosity question - admittedly because I'm confused (yes, largely because of the inconsistency), but it isn't something I'm upset over.

[zoobie]

Is this the sister you were worried about being in a controlling, abusive relationship? :(

[AimeeM]

Is this the sister you were worried about being in a controlling, abusive relationship? :(

Yes.

 

Some other things have popped up and I'm still concerned. 

 

Another situation arose when she went to visit my sister and BIL over the summer, was wearing a hijab when they picked her up, but took it off as soon as she got in the car (sans her fiance).

 

Everybody is becoming concerned. It appears she now doesn't really go anywhere without him. It's perfectly possible that she is just using that as an excuse when she doesn't want to go places, but it's still concerning several people.

 

To clarify, I understand that this has to do with control and nothing to do with Islam. 

Edited November 14, 2016 by AimeeM

[maize]

Her behaving one way when with him and another way away from him is concerning. Though I think hijab may be removed when with family members and not in public?

 

If you are seeing red flags I don't think they are imagined.

Edited November 14, 2016 by maize

[AimeeM]

Her behaving one way when with him and another way away from him is concerning. Though I think hijab may be removed when with family members and not in public?

 

If you are seeing red flags I don't think they are imagined.

It's my understanding that she didn't wear it again during the trip, but I would need to clarify that. This was only relayed to me because they (other sister and BIL) are concerned as well.

 

ETA: I did clarify with my other sister. She only put it back on before she went home, but didn't wear it during the rest of the trip. 

Edited November 14, 2016 by AimeeM

[EmmaNZ]

Hi Aimee. I am a muslim convert. I don't hug other men whom I am not related to (including my BILs). Similarly, my husband does not hug other women. 

 

I think you will find a spectrum of what individual muslims find acceptable regarding touching the opposite sex (my sister in law won't shake a man's hand for example). It is unusual to have different rules for men and women in this instance though. Have you asked her fiancé why he can hug and she can't? 

 

The taking off the hijab in the car, may or may not be a sign that she is being pressured into wearing it. When I first wore hijab it was nerve wracking to be with people who had known me for many years without it - she may just have been feeling shy. It can take some women many years to have the courage to wear hijab, and is a big step for many new muslims.

 

Sorry to hear that you are worried about an abusive relationship. I really hope it isn't that.

Edited November 14, 2016 by EmmaNZ

[AimeeM]

Hi Aimee. I am a muslim convert. I don't hug other men whom I am not related to (including my BILs). Similarly, my husband does not hug other women. 

 

I think you will find a spectrum of what individual muslims find acceptable regarding touching the opposite sex (my sister in law won't shake a man's hand for example). It is unusual to have different rules for men and women in this instance though. Have you asked her fiancé why he can hug and she can't? 

 

The taking off the hijab in the car, may or may not be a sign that she is being pressured into wearing it. When I first wore hijab it was nerve wracking to be with people who had known me for many years without it - she may just have been feeling shy. It can take some women many years to have the courage to wear hijab, and is a big step for many new muslims.

 

Sorry to hear that you are worried about an abusive relationship. I really hope it isn't that.

I haven't asked, no. There can be a bit of a language barrier. We can talk about most chit-chat things (me and her fiance), but things start to get lost in translation when talking more seriously. Sometimes I think he's just being goofy, though, when he seems to not understand me (he's just a goofball in general, lol), because most times he seems to just fine :P

[Um_2_4]

As far as the hijab, what EmmaNZ said. I was not in a relationship when I converted and it took me about 2 months to wear it all the time (out of the house) and to get my mom used to telling me when company was coming (even my BILs who were much older than me, and knew me since infancy. I was a late in life child for my dad and have half-sisters from his previous marriage, so unusual family situation). She may feel you guys are looking at her askance or different (even if you think you aren't). I faced a lot of pressure from my BILs not to wear it around them. "why now? I've known you since you were born. You used to spend the night at my house, etc. etc." 

 

I do not shake hands or hug any men not related to me. The rule is no skin-to-skin contact between non-related males/females and it goes both ways. As far as hugging, we don't do it, but I have seen some Muslims, that in order to fit in with non-Muslim relation's family, will do a hug without skin contact. So like hug grandma from the side with his arm touching her clothes. The rule for this is if there is a barrier (clothing) then there can be contact as long as there is no lust. Sometimes my DH will have to attend a business meeting and he will wear a glove on his hand (one of those for sprains) to keep overenthusiastic women from grabbing his hand to shake. If they do, they will just get glove. These rules apply generally from puberty on.

 

I would say some of this might be her figuring things out on her own. I don't know what else gives you alarm, but she may not know many other American converts. She is becoming a part of a minority group and ,in this day and age, she may be nervous in certain neighborhoods.

 

He may do things without knowing "why". Some of DHs family just do things the way their FOO do it without going to learn the religious judgement about things. Hence they have a hard time explaining, if that makes sense to you. Maybe she can look for resources to learn more on her own. If you PM me I can send you links or pdfs to learn more or to pass on to her.

[idnib]

The background of this story, which I either forgot or was not aware of, makes me concerned.

 

:grouphug:

[idnib]

 I faced a lot of pressure from my BILs not to wear it around them. "why now? I've known you since you were born. You used to spend the night at my house, etc. etc." 

 

 

This happens in all-Muslim families as well. My cousin decided to fully cover with a burqa, gloves, etc instead of just her head, and my dad finds this completely annoying. I finally had to tell him to please just leave her alone because he was doing the same "I knew you since you were a baby" and "I already know what you look like" stuff.