How do you bully proof your kids?

[Ottakee]

Bullies will always be around. I am wondering how you teach your school age kids to deal with bullies. Our 9 year old said last night some.kods were lock ng him, etc at school. The school will be notified but we also want to give him the tools needed to feel confident.

[Code Lyoko]

:grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:

 

This isn't easy.  Once someone becomes a target it can be challenging to change the dynamic.  First, exhibiting confidence can help to some extent.  That can be hard to do if you aren't feeling terribly confident inside, though.

 

Personality plays a big role, I think.  My daughter is small and delicate looking but she has rarely every been bullied.  She is an introvert but has a lot of outward confidence and a VERY strong sense of right and wrong.  She was vocally against bullying of classmates and frequently stood up for a boy in her class that was bullied all the time from 1st grade onward.  My son, however, who is an extrovert and loves people also wore his heart on his sleeve and got bullied in school starting in 2nd grade because he had lost confidence academically.

 

Why was DD's classmate bullied?  Nice kid but easily upset and lacked confidence.  People knew if they poked at him physically or verbally he would react.  He would get upset.  So they kept picking on him.  Once the cycle started it was very hard to break.  He was bullied off and on for 4 years.  It stopped when he changed schools and got into extracurriculars he was good at and gave him confidence.

 

For your own son, does he have issues with confidence?  How well does he speak up for himself?  Does he have a good core group of friends?  Does he have outside interests he enjoys and feels good doing?  If not is there any way to get him involved in things that give him some confidence?  Is it a gang of kids that are just picking on random people or are they specifically targeting your son?  Are there any bullying classes in your local area?  I know some places have "training" programs to help kids deal with social situations and bullying.

 

Hugs.  Sorry he is going through this.

Edited November 12, 2016 by Code Lyoko

[JanetC]

Disclaimer: I have girls, where bullying is almost always verbal or sneaky, rather than physical or in your face. But this is what I did.

 

1. Put your kids in multiple social circles. School friends, neighborhood friends, sports/activities friends, cousin friends, etc. should not all overlap. If the social atmosphere in one place turns toxic, there are still buddies out there.

 

2. Encourage a bit of nonconformity. The first kind of social power dynamics your child will see from the preschool age is the pressure to conform. Encourage the idea that we're all a little weird and that's great. Some family pride in being who we are is good, too.

 

3. Learn some psychology. The ability to detach and wonder what a behavior is about from an analytical point of view without getting caught up in emotion is really helpful in the tween and teen years.

 

4. Learn a bit of martial arts. Both of my kids took a little hapkido at our homeschool coop. They learned a bit about "protecting your bubble" which they found useful at times to keep people out of your space.

[Ottakee]

It is tough as he is my foster guy. He has been in 3 foster homes and he started 3rd grade this fall in his 5th school district. He is smart but hard when you move so much. I can see him being reactive. He also wears mismatched clothes a lot because he wants to and asuch as we try to work on that, he likes what is familiar and comfortable to him.

[happypamama]

I second the suggestion for martial arts, especially one focused on self defense. Our hapkido instructor discusses how to tell people to back off, assertively but not aggressively, with the kids.

 

But also, if the school gives no help, do you have the option to get him out of there? I got bullied for many years, starting around that age, and despite the school's attempts to help, my parents' attempts to help, reminders that the other kids were insecure or jealous, it just didn't quit until high school when the kids matured a bit (although I was never popular). I wish they'd gotten me out of there, and looking back, I think they probably do too. Relentless, ongoing bullying leaves big scars. If you can't get him out, are you able to get him some counseling? It might not help with the actual bullying, but it may help him unpack and deal with his own feelings.

 

Hugs to your poor little guy.

[Anne in CA]

My parents were very adamant that I never be allowed to stand up for myself, so I got bullied because I KNEW that any attempt to stand up for myself would lead to ME being the one getting in trouble. I ALWAYS made sure my kids know I was okay with them standing up for themselves and that they didn't deserve to be bullied, ever. My kids have quirky personalities and sometimes adults in charge of groups like scouts wanted my kids picked on to make them more conforming. Ummm, nope, I addressed that in such a manner that no adult made that mistake twice. But I have lots of customer service experience and I know how to put things so that I am hard to argue with, and how to make someone so uncomfortable that they will do anything to avoid a second confrontation. 

[Farrar]

I think it's massively easier when kids are homeschooled through a certain age. Not foolproof - I've seen some homeschool bullies for sure and there can be a different set of social problems depending on your community and its values, but I do feel like it's easier overall.

 

Things I think are important...

 

Having a relationship of trust with your kids. Being honest with them. Making sure they know they can really tell you things and trust you. Not just that you say it, but that you prove it to them from the time they're little.

 

Helping their self-confidence from the time they're young. Having places and activities where they can excel is key to that.

 

Helping them know how to talk through their emotions. Validating their emotions. Helping them understand the emotions of others.

 

Finding ways for them to have healthy friendships and healthy relationships modeled for them so they understand what friendship should look like.

 

Nothing can stop bullies in some situations. It's never the fault of the bullied kid. But I find that the most bully proof kids find bullying behaviors confusing rather than hurtful. They walk away from those kids and find other kids. They don't try to bully back or save face or win over the bully or become super emotional about it - all behaviors that can often feed the bully, they just think, why would someone do that and leave.

 

I also think... whenever these conversations come up... that it's important for parents to understand the difference between rudeness, meanness and outright bullying. I don't want my kids to do any of them, but the vast majority of times I've seen kids be unkind, it's been rudeness - thoughtless exclusion, comments that are ignorantly unkind, and general self-centered behavior of the kind that's incredibly common among children - because they literally think they're the center of the universe (and that's pretty developmentally appropriate, which is why it's our job to teach them otherwise). 

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/signe-whitson/bullying_b_2188819.html