Al-anon question

[G5052]

I have zero familiarity with Al-anon.

 

A homeschooling friend mine has shared that her DH has a potential prescription pain medication problem. He has genuine chronic pain treated by a single specialist, sometimes worse and sometimes better. He doesn't take it all the time as far as she knows. He gets it from just that one doctor.

 

It doesn't interfere with his work by all accounts, but the paranoia, mood swings, anxiety, and agitation make their lives miserable at times on the weekends and holidays when he's taking it. He refuses counselling. She's concerned that if she went back by herself and that if he found out, it would make their situation worse. He's very private about his struggles.

 

There's no physical abuse involved. He's a decent man, but the medication turns him into a different person. A man that's very hard to be around.

 

There's a local, daytime Al-anon meeting at a church I'm familiar with. Her children are old enough to leave, and the meeting is actually just a few miles away.

 

Is this something I should recommend? It sounds like a source of help.

 

Please no husband-bashing. She's looking for help for herself.

[Tammyla]

I think it would be a kind and possibly very helpful rec.; you might even offer to drive her to the first meeting.  

[Guest]

Yes.

 

If she really is too scared to tell her dh she is going, however, that's a red flag for me that as well as peer support, she might need individual counselling. It's not uncommon, of course. We often feel like we have to walk on eggshells around the addict. We don't but that's how we feel. Individual therapy can help tease those issues out and empower the non-addicted spouse.

 

Al Anon is really good at communicating the idea that 'I didn't cause this and I can't cure it'. My personal experience is that once that idea is internalized, behaving in healthier ways around spouse and the addiction is a whole lot simpler.

Agreed. It means his addiction is controlling their life. Big red flag. Abuse is abuse, and being fearful of your spouse is NOT ok. Her hiding it means she's enabling. Again...not ok.

[Doodlebug]

I've never been to Al-anon, but was in the same position with my mother.  A very real need led her to prescription pain meds which turned her into a different person.  

 

I remember the summer it happened... the craziness.  The conversations that went in circles.  The crying jags, dreamy fog, nausea, and erratic/irritable behavior.  That was four years ago.  Crazily enough, it was while reading about the opium trade in our SOTW history book last year that I began to consider that my mom wasn't losing her marbles... but that she was likely on an opioid medication.  Homeschooling strikes again.   :)

 

The past year has been tremendously difficult.  Trying to love someone while not getting sucked into the paranoia is enough to take a caregiver down... I can't imagine how your friend is managing that with her spouse, but my heart and prayers go out to her.  

 

Our experience is that boundaries were a huge part of my mom's budding recovery. The plethora of loving and concerned conversations with her failed to pierce the fog she was in, though I do think those were a crucial part of her interpreting our later boundaries through a lens of love.  When we stopped shielding mama from the damage to her relationships, she asked for help.  But wow, that was the hardest thing I've ever had to do.

 

I would whole heartedly encourage you to suggest she look into al-anon.   If you are willing and able... offering to to attend a meeting or two with her would be an infinite kindness.  She's vulnerable right now and having a friend alongside her would be a tremendously wonderful thing.  

 

 

 

 

Edited May 16, 2016 by Doodlebug

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Edited May 16, 2016 by _ ?^..

[G5052]

Thanks.

 

My mother was addicted to prescription drugs before that was really known as a problem. So I recognize the effects of opiates on those around them. There are some common aspects to it and what I know of alcoholism. 

 

I'm hopeful that this may make a difference. They're a great family. If you help one, sometimes that will help the others. I think she just feels like her life is spiralling down a path she doesn't want to go on. She needs to regain a sense of purpose and control.

Edited May 16, 2016 by G5052

[VeteranMom]

I've been to al-anon.  It was for adult children of alcoholics.  I grew up in an alcoholic home and, as an adult, realized it had negatively impacted how I functioned day to day.  I think it would be helpful for you to suggest a meeting.  I always thought that it was the addict with the problem, but realized that being around an addict makes you just as impacted as the person with the disease.  The family members make adjustments that are unhealthy in order to function around the addict and you try to control things, be hyper-aware of things, and get exposed to behaviors that are hard to cope with.  If she's not open to a meeting, you might look into to some books about co-dependency for her.  I've read a lot about co-dependency and it's been eye opening for me and changed a lot of my behaviors over the years.    

[Tap]

I think it can be a good place for the right person.  I know people who have benefited  not only from the support, but by being around people who understand addiction....they were able to hear other people's stories and then start to identify more red flags within their own lives.

 

 

[Guest]

I suggest she read some threads on the Sober Recovery website. Some great success stories, and also some examples of not so great ones when an addiction was allowed to control their lives.

[Guest]

Tell her to go.

 

It feels artificial and fakey at first but in a bit she will understand WHY the processes are in place.

 

My issues was with my son who was video-game obsessed. The group helped me realize that the only thing I could control was ME, not him. I was getting the same info from a counselor ... at $120@hour. (He gave additional help but he himself sent me to AlAnon when all I was doing was endlessly cycling on one issue.)

 

Anyway I found it helpful for about 4 months...

It was a hard step for me to take, and I attended 2 groups and found that one was much better for me than was the other.

[AimeeM]

I think it would be a great suggestion for her - and I think you are a very kind friend.

 

I would, just for your sake (not necessarily hers), consider that there may not be another option for him outside of the opiates. It's a hard position to be in, I'm sure, but the symptoms you describe are, I believe, considered relatively common when taking an opiate - one time or many times. When the alternative to those side effects is more intolerable than the medication itself, everyone (family members included) are between a rock and a hard place; and certain medications are simply addictive, whether you take them correctly or you abuse them. My teenage daughter used to have withdrawals if she didn't take her stimulant ADHD medication (and most would on those medications) - she was addicted, because that was the nature of the medication, even though she wasn't abusing them or using them incorrectly. My mother should absolutely be taking the pain medication her doctors want her to take, but she's so fearful of addiction that she chooses to live her life (or, rather, not live it) in constant pain.

 

It sucks. 

 

So, is he misusing the opiates - or are these the side effects of the opiates even when he takes it appropriately (as prescribed)? You said that he doesn't appear to take it all the time and only has one doctor treating him. Either way your friend deserves someone to talk to. My only point in mentioning the above is that there may not be a viable solution, or alternative, that your friend's husband can see. 

Edited May 16, 2016 by AimeeM

[G5052]

So, is he misusing the opiates - or are these the side effects of the opiates even when he takes it appropriately (as prescribed)? You said that he doesn't appear to take it all the time and only has one doctor treating him. Either way your friend deserves someone to talk to. My only point in mentioning the above is that there may not be a viable solution, or alternative, that your friend's husband can see. 

 

Apparently not misusing, just the side effects of the prescribed medications. Chronic pain is indeed tough. I get that. There's also an element where the individual is not taking steps to reduce the pain with diet, regular exercise, etc. So although technically not addiction, it has aspects of that and those impacts on his family.

 

Thanks for helping me look at this. I'll indeed see if we can go together.