MicheleB Posted September 9, 2008 Share Posted September 9, 2008 First, I just want to say that the purpose of my post isn't to bash my dh, so I hope it doesn't come across that way! I am feeling extremely frustrated about this whole diagnosis and explaining it to dh. Typically, dh likes to only see what he wants to and if he doesn't agree with a dx, well then, it's just there. KWIM? We went round and round a few minutes ago about our boys' visual processing disorder. Things he can't understand are: How can OUR boys have this severe of an impairment that even the n.p. says it's the most severe he's seen in 20+ years. Why can't we just show the boys a word over and over and over and they can memorize what it says. How is doing 12 mins. of flashcards a day helpful? Then what? They watch TV? (actual words) How can it be our boys can't read and may never read well? And so forth. But I have to admit, and I told him so, I feel attacked. It was implied that I wasn't doing enough. I just got the dx on Friday!! I'm still reeling, too. What do you do? What do you say? It cannot become an issue of contention between us. What's the point in that? But I feel like I'm talking to a brick wall when I try to explain this stuff to him (no, he did not go to the appt. with me). Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Anne Posted September 9, 2008 Share Posted September 9, 2008 I don't know about your dh - but if it were mine, I'd make him an appointment with the specialist so that he could ask all of those questions to someone who could really answer them!! My dh also seems to sometimes "hear" better when it's not me talking.... If it were me, I would find something I could pretty much repeat back to him with minor variations so I wasn't trying to *think* and therefore, get tangled up in it again. Getting a diagnosis is always stressful - you are both processing so much, both factually and emotionally - please try and give yourselves some grace and space to come to terms with it.. :grouphug: Anne Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Twinmom Posted September 10, 2008 Share Posted September 10, 2008 I don't know about your dh - but if it were mine, I'd make him an appointment with the specialist so that he could ask all of those questions to someone who could really answer them!! My dh also seems to sometimes "hear" better when it's not me talking.... Yep, yep, yep. That's what did it for my DH. Talking with the doc, seeing the numbers on paper, hearing the "plan of attack." Even if you have to pay for it, get another consultation with your doctor and have DH come. This is NOT about your skills as a teacher (as you know but DH may not...), it IS something they were born with and it IS fixable. They may never be speed-readers, but they WILL get better! VT has been the best thing we've ever done for our daughter academically, bar none. Sidenote: make sure that DH is there for any followup consults, sees all scores coming home as they improve, meets with the VT, etc. Seeing the concrete progress will help him stick with you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MicheleB Posted September 10, 2008 Author Share Posted September 10, 2008 Sad to say, but, he will not go. He's a farmer and he works all the time. For him to take off to drive almost 2 hours each way and then the appt. time, isn't going to happen. He *could*, but he won't. This really is his typical MO. When I was in the hospital with severe post-partum depression, even then he didn't want to "hear" what the doctors said. Tonight when he came in, he said he wanted to hear "positive" ways to help them. Well, I'd be glad to give him "positive" ways if I knew more than the one the np told us. But I'm as clueless as he is right now. KWIM? Trying to remember he's probably really only processing it for the *first* time, whereas I've been processing for a while. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Laurie4b Posted September 10, 2008 Share Posted September 10, 2008 When a parent hears that there is something wrong with his or her child, they go through grief. As with any kind of grief, the place where each parent lands can very typically be quite different and then, as you observe, there is conflict due to the handling of the grief. You are still in shock, but also have some level of acceptance, because you have known for a long time that "something" was not right. Dh, not having the same level of interaction with the kids that you do as their mom/teacher is reacting to the grief with denial. It protects him from the grief for right now. People often clash when one is in denial and the other in anger or sadness or when one is in sadness and the other in anger, etc. I do think it would be helpful for dh to meet with the professional for a consultation, just like you were able to. That way, you do not become the bearer of the grievous news. He can hear it and process it on his own. Sorry! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LizzyBee Posted September 10, 2008 Share Posted September 10, 2008 I don't know about your dh - but if it were mine, I'd make him an appointment with the specialist so that he could ask all of those questions to someone who could really answer them!! My dh also seems to sometimes "hear" better when it's not me talking.... I agree with this. We have an appt to discuss test results for our 7 yo next Thursday, and dh made a comment that I could do that without him, right? I told him no, he needs to be there so that he can hear it from the professional rather than 2nd hand from me. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
katalaska Posted September 10, 2008 Share Posted September 10, 2008 Except to offer :grouphug: and say that I understand! My dh doesn't want to know, doesn't believe, denies, won't listen, etc. He does occasionally "admit" that "something is not quite right" but it's rare. He wouldn't take the time off work to go visit with the psychologist for two hours about dd's history, etc. so I ended up sending the poor man a 99 page single-spaced detailed account of dd's birth history and development up until the time of evaluation (5 years). Dh did go with me to the appointment wherein we received the news that the psychologist's job is to "put labels on kids" and he didn't have one for our dd--but we had a HUGE fight on the way there and almost didn't make it to the appointment. I think the fight was probably because he didn't want to be doing this (having to hear things he didn't want to hear--that there IS something wrong with our dd). When the professionals said "autism spectrum disorder" he wouldn't hear of it. But for my sanity he "let" me enroll dd in special needs preschool and he "let" me put her in regular kindergarten with special education support. He also "let" me take courses in brain integration therapy (so that I could renew my teaching certificate) and work with dd as one of my subjects. He recently mentioned that he thought something was still "off" with dd and he is highly annoyed with her feeding issues, so I was able to get referrals from our pediatrician for speech/language and occupational therapy. Dd is now getting help (and she probably should have had it a long time ago but as you mentioned, it's hard when you feel like getting help for your child will cause contention with your spouse). We also did vision therapy which dh was completely uninvolved with and never asked about. I am constantly having to fight (advocate) for my dd, make modifications, ask for special help and support, etc. and dh is mostly unaware because he chooses to be. He doesn't ask about what she's doing in therapy, he has never asked for the reports (which totally support, with objective data, everything I've observed for years), etc. I think he's in a near-constant state of denial. Whether he is grieving or not I don't know. Our kids' problems are something we probably should be talking about but I deal with mostly alone. I'm just sharing this to show you that I'm going through something similar. It's a difficult place to be... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Miss Sherry Posted September 11, 2008 Share Posted September 11, 2008 I think he just cannot process the information instantly. Things that are difficult to accept are like that. It sounds like, given the kind of work he does and the distance to the Dr.s office, he is just not going to be able to get to the Dr.s office any time soon. Perhaps you could talk to the Dr. on the phone and let him know that you really need a summary of your sons dx in writing to share with your dh because he really needs to hear the diagnosis from someone other than you. Then once your dh receives the letter it would probably be a good idea to just let him process the information for quite awhile and not expect him to accept it at first. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TraceyS/FL Posted September 11, 2008 Share Posted September 11, 2008 Christina - i think that is a good point. I'm pretty sure that is what is with MY Dh in these areas. No one figured out he was dyslexic until about 6th grade. It was pretty late and a lot of school issues couldn't be undone. I'd venture to say he appreciates that i'm there to care what she is doing - since his family "missed it". Michele - my DH doesn't totally grasp the whole deal right now, and that is without any formal names on DD. We need to go formal, i'm just not sure how (or what the local school can offer). I hope yours is able to "get it" at some point, i know how hard it is. I at least have a genetic condition to start with - it creates a variety of processing disorders, so that helps mine out. In our case, we thought we had a slow growing child when we walked into the PEd Endocrinologist, and walked out with a genetic problem that clarified a whole bunch of other issues going on with her. It's been a whirlwind since! :grouphug: IT's a lot to process all at once, here is hoping with time it gets easier. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Quiver0f10 Posted September 11, 2008 Share Posted September 11, 2008 When a parent hears that there is something wrong with his or her child, they go through grief. As with any kind of grief, the place where each parent lands can very typically be quite different and then, as you observe, there is conflict due to the handling of the grief. You are still in shock, but also have some level of acceptance, because you have known for a long time that "something" was not right. Dh, not having the same level of interaction with the kids that you do as their mom/teacher is reacting to the grief with denial. It protects him from the grief for right now. People often clash when one is in denial and the other in anger or sadness or when one is in sadness and the other in anger, etc. I do think it would be helpful for dh to meet with the professional for a consultation, just like you were able to. That way, you do not become the bearer of the grievous news. He can hear it and process it on his own. Sorry! :iagree: I think my DH was in denial. He would say but he can do XYZ so he can't have trouble with reading or math or whatever. He just didn't want to believe it. It has taken a while, but he realizes this isn't going to go away on it's own and that our son needs the help. I would also recommend your DH meeting with the therapist, but I understand as my DH doesn't go to any of our appointments either. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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