what's a reaonable curfew for a 16 year old?

[Nicole M]

How do you handle curfews?

 

Our son is not super-social, but occasionally he hangs with buddies, at a friend's house. No parties, no girls, just boy stuff. We never set an actual time, a curfew for our son, because this is only the third time, maybe, that's he's had an opportunity to be out late. I get up at the crack of doom, and it's very hard for me to stay up past, oh, 9. I made a noble effort last night, but could not do it. The first thing I did this morning was check to see if our son even came home. I don't want to ever have to do that again.

 

My husband, who is the most caring, doting parent alive, doesn't feel it's necessary to wait up for the kid, because no one waited up for him when he was a teen. It just did not occur to my husband that waiting up was necessary. I am flabbergasted by this (but not bashing!).

 

First, I think we definitely need a time, an hour. I'm thinking 11pm if it's not a school night. We probably also need a reasonable consequence for not coming home at that hour. (Suggestions?) I'm also thinking that he will need to wake me when he comes in, perhaps. Or! My step-mother had a little lamp in her room that I was required to turn off when I came home. I think that might be a good idea.

 

I'd love to hear your ideas.

 

[ETA: E is not yet driving, which is why I think this hasn't come up sooner. But this is concerning, too, that we did not know how he was getting transported home from buddy's house. I don't want him walking the neighborhood late at night, obviously.]

[Parrothead]

First thing you need to do is find out how he is getting around at night. If the mom of the buddy is having to drive him, it might be reasonable to suggest that he spend the night at buddy's house.

 

I'd also talk to buddy's mom about when your ds should leave for the evening. She may have thought that all would be quiet on the home front by 9 pm, but it wasn't.

 

If buddy's family is a group of night owls then I think 11:00 pm for a 16 year old is very reasonable for a curfew - especially on a school night. With the understanding that if you have trouble getting him up for school the curfew may change to an earlier time.

 

Not implying that your kid or the buddy are types to get into trouble, but crap happens after midnight. This is coming from the ex-cop. There are trouble makers out there just cruising with nothing to do, and looking for trouble. I would suggest that you kid be inside (either home or at buddy's house for the night) by midnight.

[Nicole M]

"...crap happens"! No kidding. We live right near a college campus, so I know all about crap.

 

I think we just need a game plan, and you're right, I need to talk to buddy's mom. They are night owls, we're not. Last night, I assumed spouse had communicated with buddy's parents, and he thought I had. So now we look like the total slacker parents.

 

Thanks for the input.

 

Family meeting time!

[Parrothead]

"...crap happens"! No kidding. We live right near a college campus, so I know all about crap.

 

:lol: I guess you do.

 

I wasn't even thinking of college campus incidents. My line of thought was more toward gang warfare and drive-by shootings. Not that I had any reason to think you live in east LA or anything. That was just what popped into my head.:lol:

 

Good luck with the family meeting.

[HRAAB]

My dh always sleeps, too. I'm the one awake, waiting, listening. I have a 16 yr old - almost 17. The latest she's been allowed out was midnight, one time, special occasion, but she had to be in our house by 12:00 - no later. That is the legal curfew. Usually it's 10:00 or 11:00 depending on where she is and what she's doing. She has to call and check-in with us. On a school night, never later than 10:00 meaning in the house by 10:00. As far as consequences, I don't know. Not allowing them go out next time they ask. Taking away driving privileges.

 

Janet

[Cedarmom]

If he's walking then I would make it 9:00 or so. If you're picking him up, then whatever time before you're ready for bed.

My son drives and he usually leaves about 11:00 or 11:30. We don't have a curfew though. If you're in bed , can he come wake you up and say I'm home? 9:00 is rather early, to expect him home. Maybe he could spend the night. Most teenagers enjoy the freedom of being able to stay-up a little later. Or friend could stay at your house.

[Nicole M]

:lol: I guess you do.

 

I wasn't even thinking of college campus incidents. My line of thought was more toward gang warfare and drive-by shootings. Not that I had any reason to think you live in east LA or anything. That was just what popped into my head.:lol:

 

Good luck with the family meeting.

 

The worst we experienced was arriving on campus for a piano lesson on a Saturday morning and a frat party was still going strong. A projectile beer can flew in our direction, and we had a rather unpleasant "shower" - not fun.

[Nicole M]

Thanks, everyone. I'm glad to know I'm on track here.

 

Every once in a while I get a rude reminder that I have a teen. I keep forgetting, because, dang! I'm too young for this.

[love2read]

11am until they're done with high school and driving. The summer after their first year at college their curfew is 1am on non-working days if they are driving. That applies only if the child has shown responsibility at college. I go to bed, but turn the phone ringer on and ask them to stop by my room before turning in. You'll wake if it's after the curfew and they haven't come home or called.

[KidsHappen]

I think that this is reasonable for a kid who has given you no reason to worrry. I am personally a night owl and could not possibly go to sleep if all of my kids were not in for the night so I am not sure how to handle this aspect. Mostly likely I would have him wkae me to inform me that he was home and had locked all of the doors. Definitely check with the other parent to make sure that he is where he says he'll be and that this is fine with her.

[Danestress]

I always waited up for my son. I just felt compelled. But I am also a night person, and actually, when he got home we often would sit around talking a bit, and that was some of our best, most intimate time. It still is, actually.

 

I think we had a 12:00 on weekends when he was in high school. He had a buddy who lived nearby, and that's often where he was.

 

I think 11:00 is really generous for school nights.

 

Now my son is 20, and he doesn't really have a curfew when he comes home, but he usually tells me what time he will be home, and that works. He understand this isn't college, and that when you are home, you don't come in at 3:00 am just because you can do that in college. It's never been a problem.

 

Unlike other posters though, I felt very strongly that overnights needed to stop when kids got to the age when their friends drove. I didn't care where my son was or who he was with, I didn't allow spend the nights out in high school. I just told him I needed to see him sleeping in his bed at some point. He really didn't love that rule, but he did understand.

[Tracey in TX]

Our exchange students had a 12am weekend curfew, other than several special circumstances. (One was late once and he was grounded for infraction and not calling/answering phone.) School nights were typically 10pm unless it was a school function (ie travel sports game).

My children will have similar curfews. My parents were very strict and didn't make exceptions for anything. I won't make that mistake. Football games run late, car problems, friend's mom arrives late, etc. sometimes;)