Need help with balancing academics against ds' maturity level (please?)

[bkpan]

Ds is 7yo and a twin. He is #3 out of six dc. He is what dh and I privately refer to as our "gray hair" child. We love him to death, but he is SO hard to manage. I do not know if he is diagnosable, but he has been a handful since birth.

 

My problem is this. Academically, he is ahead. But, he reads very slowly (he does vision therapy every day), and works very slowly.

 

And he is very immature.

 

He is the ds that will run away to the bathroom, for oh, 2 hrs, if I don't force him out. He will disappear every time I turn my back. He would love nothing more than to play house and legos ALL day. His favorite playmate, other than his twin, is my 4yo dd. They seem to be very similar in maturity level. You cannot reason with this ds, he believes he is the victim every. single. time. He is very disruptive to our day, and it has crossed my mind more than once to send him to ps. (but I won't).

 

I have begun thinking lately, that maybe I should take away much of his academics, leaving only a bare minimum, and wait for his maturity level to catch up. What complicates this is that his 7yo twin is very academically motivated (when not being distracted by twin), and is already way ahead of him. The gap would probably grow considerably.

 

So, I'm sorry for the book :o. But I'd love any input. Do I continue to treat this as a DAILY discipline problem, expecting him to do the academics that his brother does, and his older brothers did at 7yo? Do I treat him as the individual that he is and give him an academic load closer to 1st grade or so? Both options seem to have real pitfalls. So, any advice or questions??

 

Thanks for your help,

Kim

[8filltheheart]

Based on other threads on the forum today, may I suggest having an evaluation done? It may or may not be a simple maturity issue.

[Carrie12345]

He sounds a lot like my son, who has Asperger's. Not that I'm dx'ing yours!

 

With J, we pretty much separate his "real life" and his "academic life." That pretty much contradicts my philosophy, but it works well for him. I only cut him a small amount of slack when it's absolutely unavoidable, because he seriously needs to work on his work ethic. If I let him, I know he would do nothing but play video games and read Goosebumps for the rest of his life.

 

I don't have a problem with taking breaks. When he was in regular school, I often gave him "mental health days" when things were really hard. But it was a break *from routine, not a routine itself.

 

It does make my life much harder, but I do believe it's for his benefit.

[Tammyla]

Seven is still pretty young. You might try your plan for a while and reassess later. If he wasn't a twin, would you feel differently? Speaking to your Dr. may ease your mind.:grouphug: Lots of little boys are wild. ;) Some more so than others.

[kaylk in tx]

that way it wouldn't be *as* obvious to the kiddoes that one son is not as advanced as the other. personally, i would back off academically for now. he's very young and may just need some extra time. i have 2 that sound very much like your son. the oldest just turned 8 and i've seen dramatic improvement over the past year. the other will turn 7 in november and we're waiting to see!

 

i once heard a speaker at teacher inservice (one of the few worthwhile ones i attended over many years) who said it this way. Being fair isn't treating every child exactly the same. It's giving each child what they need. So use the old mommy gut instinct, separate the academic issue from the twin issue, and just ask, what does this child need right now?

 

HTH

Kay

[Jackie in NE]

My gosh, if my little 7 yr old weren't sitting right next to me, I'd think he had run away to your house!! The disappearing every second..... Your son sounds exactly like mine. And this victim thing.... what's up with that? My son is literally in tears at least 4 times/day because he has been SO victimized (in his eyes). Dh and I think that if we ever direct his sense of justice/injustice productively, he'll be the greatest human rights advocate ever!

 

So I guess that's my answer. With each child I am trying to find "the thing" that clicks in their brain to motivate them to achieve and experience joy in learning. Hopefully, feeding and encouraging that "thing" will work. I wish I had more "right here, right now" advice for you, but I don't.

 

I'm especially struggling with the grade in school thing. My little 7 yos is 10 months younger than my other ds, but is going to fly by his brother in school this year. And the older of the two is sweet and sensitive and loves school. I'm considering completely doing away with the "grade" thing. But what is the first question that people ask of school-age children? "What grade are you in?" It is the way that our society "places" children in their mind. So I don't have an answer for that one, either.

 

But I'm glad you posted, and am enjoying the answers. Hang in there. I truly think that the situation with my ds is just normal boy behavior.

 

Jackie