kewb Posted July 3, 2014 Share Posted July 3, 2014 We are family friends with another family. Have been for years. Our 14 year old dds are best friends. Lately Dd has been feeling that she is just not as close with best friend. She says she feels like whenever they get together she is always doing what friend wants and they never do what she wants. To an extent, this is something I have noticed. Dd has been hanging out with some other girls in their social circle who share interests with her but best friend gets mad when Dd does this saying she is excluding her. I explained to Dd that sometimes best friends develop other interests and that is okay. There is nothing wrong with seeing a friend who shares an interest that the other friend does not. I also told her that sometimes we need breaks from our friends. That doesn't mean you are no longer friends but you are pursuing other interests at the moment. Dd is upset because she does not like feeling this way about her friend. And she is concerned because we spend so much time together as families. I told her to relax and to talk to her friend about how she is feeling that they always do what friend wants and to work out some compromises. We will play basketball for half an hour and then rainbow loom for example. I guess I am just looking for some ways yo help her navigate this tricky time. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Murphy101 Posted July 3, 2014 Share Posted July 3, 2014 You gave her reasonable advice for an unreasonable friend. If her friend feels excluded, then she should tell friend to join in if she wants to. She isn't being excluded if she doesn't want to do it. There's really nothing to be done in these situations except repeat this advice, back her up on it, and see how time goes. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
myfunnybunch Posted July 4, 2014 Share Posted July 4, 2014 I agree that your advice is reasonable. It sounds like friend senses that dd's other interests may eventually lead to the friendship growing apart. Your dd may be feeling the same way but not know how to handle it because they've been best friends for so long. 14 is such a weird age for friendships, and it sounds like it's giving both girls a chance for growth and learning about how to negotiate friendships. Your dd will get some practice setting boundaries and gently voicing her needs, and friend will get some practice in how to respond to boundaries and respect in friendship and in how to handle insecurity. I'd follow your dd's lead on whether this is a friend that might need some support and reassurance in order to preserve the friendship or whether it should become a situational/family get-together friendship. Cat Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SadieMarie Posted July 4, 2014 Share Posted July 4, 2014 This is about the age when I noticed my dd and her friends sort of rearranging their groups. She was in PS but a lot of it seemed to come down to different rates of maturity. It might be that by the time they are sixteen there won't be the same problems. In other words it could just be temporary and something that will resolve over time. And that might be sort of reassuring to your dd, that this is just temporary growing pains and not something to get very worried about. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kewb Posted July 4, 2014 Author Share Posted July 4, 2014 Thanka for the reassurance. You have clarified a lot of what I was thinking. 14 is a time of change. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AnIslandGirl Posted July 4, 2014 Share Posted July 4, 2014 I told her to relax and to talk to her friend about how she is feeling that they always do what friend wants and to work out some compromises. We will play basketball for half an hour and then rainbow loom for example. I guess I am just looking for some ways yo help her navigate this tricky time. Rainbow looms at 14 (incoming high school freshman age) sounds like one of the two is really on the immature side. That can make for an awkward dynamic at this age. From the sounds of it, they might just need a little time to each come into their own. Every friendship has their season. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wintermom Posted July 4, 2014 Share Posted July 4, 2014 I would drop the term "best friend" and just stick with "friend." There can be too many pressures and expectations among girls with "best friend" stuff. They are friends, and they have their own interests and lives. They are both developing and navigating through their lives, and allowing some space sounds like a good thing. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kewb Posted July 4, 2014 Author Share Posted July 4, 2014 I would drop the term "best friend" and just stick with "friend." There can be too many pressures and expectations among girls with "best friend" stuff. They are friends, and they have their own interests and lives. They are both developing and navigating through their lives, and allowing some space sounds like a good thing. I like the idea of dropping best friend and just be friends. There is a lot of ppressure with that terminology. As for the rainbow loom, I get what you are saying about immaturity but that is actually something they both enjoy. A better example would have been chess vs. Basketball. My Dd does not care for basketball and friend does not care for chess. To your point, they both have their immature sides and perhaps those are in conflict. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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