WWYD possible domestic violence

[shinyhappypeople]

Long story short: my gut tells me that a casual friend is in an abusive marriage. I've known her for about a year now.  When I see her and her husband together, warning bells go off. It's how he speaks to her, looks at her, and other things.   I won't go into details beyond that. 

 

I like this woman, but we don't know each other well and I'm in no position to ask her something as deeply personal as whether or not her H is hurting her.

 

I want to get to know her better.  She's smart, interesting, and fun to talk to.  I want to support her, but I think we're just not close enough (yet??) for me to do anything truly helpful, kwim?

 

So WWYD?  What, if anything, can I do?

 

My heart hurts.  :sad:

[Cammie]

Try to develop a friendship.  Ask her out to coffee, lunch, shopping.  I am always amazed at how quickly women open up about the most personal details of their lives.  It appears to be part of the bonding that women do.  I think that if she feels safe with you, she may share these details.  At the very least, if she feels safe with you, she might reach out to you when she needs help the most.  Be a friend, be ready to provide information about resources available to her.

[Hunter]

You don't need to know if a women is being abused, or for her to confide in you, to help a domestic abuse victim. The worst damage done to a woman is to her mind. Abuse is about coercion and brainwashing more than anything else.

 

Most abusive men will go to great lengths to isolate their wives. If he sees you as an ally, or source of empowerment, he will try and get you on his side, or drive a wedge between her and you. Expect something weird to happen.

 

The Artist's Way is domestic abuse recovery is disguise of creativity recovery. You could maybe start something up with that.

 

Build her up. Let her know you are there.

 

Understand that she may not even know she is being abused. I know that sounds weird, but when the brainwashing is severe enough, reality is really messed up in so many ways. So she cannot confide something she doesn't know is happening.

 

The line between what is abuse and what is "normal behavior" can be really gray. One of the most confusing things about "recovery" for me, is for care givers to use almost the same exact behaviors with me that my earlier abusers did, but try and brainwash me in to thinking what they are doing is different. They tell me that it's part of my illness that I can't tell the difference. NOT!

 

No one is entirely an abuser or entirely a victim. People want things, and use their power to get them. It's always about the abuser and never the victim. Parents, spouses, and caregivers of all kinds will cross boundaries and use their power to expand their safety zone at the expense of their dependents. And then crazymake to justify their behavior. It's the crazymaking that sometimes does the worst damage to the victim.

 

I'm starting to ramble. This stuff is hard, and often there in nothing or very little you can do. But, just...expect the husband to make a move, as soon as he sees you as any source of empowerment for her.

[Butter]

About her relationship with her husband, you can do nothing.  About your relationship with her, you can do a lot.  Just be her friend.  Be there if/when she wants to talk.  Support her.  Affirm her where it makes sense.  When things come up, remind her she is worth it and a good person.  Abused women generally have a very low self-esteem.  Build her up.  Care about her unconditionally.  Love her.  My best friend is working on getting out of an abusive relationship.  He's never hit her, but the emotional, sexual, and financial abused she has experienced have caused scars so much deeper than a fist ever could.  I knew she was being abused long before she would admit it.  Sometimes I'd try to steer her toward talking about it, but she'd resist.  Don't push her if you do that and she resists!  Over time, she was able to open up about things and admit what was going on.  Encourage her at whatever place she is at.  Just be her friend.

[clarkacademy]

. I will say having a friend is a good thing so go be one!!! Invite her out, talk to her set up play dates etc. That is all you can do until she is willing to see beyond the abuse and walk away. It is scary to live with an abuser but the devil you know is better than the devil you don't know and from my own life I can say the world is a scary place when you live like that. Just be a friend and pray for the best <3 I wish I could tell every woman living like this they can leave, it will get better, you will survive. I wish I never stayed for all the years I stayed but having a friend was one of my best things back then

[Beth in OH]

Encourage her to trust her own judgement in all things.  She's a fully functioning adult with a fine brain and is capable of making good decisions.  She may have to learn to view herself that way, and it will be a necessary step before she will be able to become healthy.

[umsami]

It takes on average seven times before a woman can leave an abusive relationship for good.  Leaving is the most dangerous time for a woman.  On average, four women in the US are killed each and every day by their intimate partners. Just please know that because she's in this relationship and has not left yet, it does not mean that she wants the abuse or condones it.  There are lots of very good reasons why women don't leave.

 

Be her friend.  That's the best thing you can do.  Know that her husband may try to sabotage the relationship.  Try not to hold whatever happens against her.

 

Know that the emotional wounds can take far longer to heal than physical ones (if he's physically abusive…it doesn't have to be to be domestic violence.)  

 

Here's some resources on bystander intervention:  http://www.icadvinc.org/prevention/for-bystanders/bystander-basics/